Let me scream
Let me run
Let me fall now from grace
Punching the walls until my knuckles bleed
Feeling you steal the very breath from me
And I stand here alone
Trying to dig you out of my heart
I never realized
You bound me so
Softly stealing the light in my eyes
Seeping into my skin like acid rain
I believed in your lies
But I tried to survive
And all the glass houses I built
Believing to be friendships
Are shattering around me
Because I believed your lies
I believed theirs
I believed
Someone was coming to save me
I gave until I was empty
Until I finally noticed
You hollowed out my heart
Enslaved me to these lies
That I could never matter
Violation
The nightmares of abuse linger still
Just when I thought I could rise above them
I find another disaster in my heart
That can all lead back to you
You convinced me
It doesn't matter
Three words
I built my world around
And I hate you for it
So I cry out to God
Humiliated and broken again
Desperate
For a Savior
Free me from the lies
Save me from my past
Amen

I'm shaking today
Biting all my nails
When I look to tomorrow
I have to look away again
In my dreams
Nightmares
You have left a hundred times already
But reality
Makes me tremble
At least this pain
This fear, this sorrow
This is familiar
If there's one thing I know
It's how to survive
No matter what happens
I will

Always


Survive

A little girl
Before her bright blue eyes
Faded out to gray
She watched the other children play
While she hid

Under the ***** of the slide
Beneath the steps
She watched the others
Climb and fall
Staring up at them
Through creaking wooden cracks
Gaps in the planks
A pain tugged at her heart
Telling her she should cry
Because people cry when they hurt
Don't they?
She rubbed at her collarbone
Feeling a gentle swelling
Bruises beneath her t-shirt
A dull ache
Memories of anger
Wild bolts of fear
Confusion
What did she learn that night?
A drunken rage
He tore up her artwork
It had won her a prize
She watched it flutter to the floor
Shredded
He snarled
Words of threat and hate
And finally let her go
Stunned
She barely felt the pain from the blows
Adrenaline heightens everything
She picked up the pieces
And threw them away

A little girl
Before her bright blue eyes
Faded out to gray
She watched her best work
Fall into the trash

Recess
She didn't want to play
But she didn't want to sit alone
Hiding under the slide
Her teacher asked her
If she was alright
No
She told the truth
My daddy got angry last night
About the artwork
He always gets angry
Her teacher patted her arm
And smiled
And told her she really should play
With the other children

A little girl
Before her bright blue eyes
Faded out to gray
Watched as her teacher walked away
And still she couldn't cry

Jesus
I don't even know what to say to You
I'm standing here
With empty hands
And broken eyes
Accusing You
Of teasing me
Of broken promises
Scorpions instead of bread
My soul feels brutalized
Bereft
In the wake of such violence
I'm reaching out
And grasping empty air
My hands are empty
As though the promise of eternity
Has passed through my fingers
I tried to hold the light
As though I could keep it in my hands
Only to find
It just fades away
I'm searching for You here
In these empty places
Only to find
I'm becoming more lost
And more is being taken away
I have stood here before
With empty hands
And broken eyes
Searching for a Savior
Who never seems to come
I gave my whole life to You, Lord
Built my world around Your promise
Counting on a Sun
That never seems to rise
My God, I feel so bitter
Empty and alone
Ripped apart
Abandoned
How can You possibly ask me to trust
When You only seem to hurt me?
I don't want to believe anymore
I just hide here in my room
Blocking out sounds
Of lives still in the sun
No one is coming
Not for me
Not for me
Don't You see me crying?
With these empty hands
And broken eyes
I just cry
I'm not strong enough
To be what You want, Lord
I'm just not enough
Is that why You left me alone?

I stand face to face with Death
And my heart is beating wildly
So alive
He opens his hands slowly
Gently and methodically
The hands of Death invite me in
There is a kindness in his eyes
And a truth I cannot evade forever
Right now
Death can be chosen or denied
He stands there
Patiently waiting for me to accept his invitation
Or I can turn my head away again
And go on
Running as hard as I can
From the figure standing just in the corner of my eye
Never absent
Never truly invisible
Right now
I can live as though I'll never die
And fight for survival
At all costs
Right now
The life I choose
Can be devoid of Death
Who I have cast
As the greatest enemy of my soul
Waiting to tear me to shreds
And devour me forever
All these years I have been running
Professing belief in a God who conquered Death
But unable to trust that victory
To believe in resurrection
In time
I have come to stop running
And at last I stand
Face to face with Death
He has always been there
Waiting for me
Not physical death to my body
That will come later, someday
But instead
Dying to myself
Dying to my fear
Dying to so many sorrows in my soul
This death is more frightening
Than any physical death
I am faced with the choice
To die to my own will
And to believe
That I will be raised
By the power of God
Into newness of life
I feel all the fear in my tortured soul
Looking into the eyes of Death
And I tremble
I fear
So afraid
So weak
So pained
But I've run out of places to run
To Whom shall I go?
Jesus followed this path
Walked into the arms of Death
And He forged a way out again
Words of eternal life
Yet for now
I just stand
Face to face with Death
And my heart is beating wildly
So alive

Don't you dare
Use religion as a banner
You hide your evil deeds behind
Have you actually fallen so far
You believe these lies are truth?
You put on such a big smile for the world
You laugh and cry at all the right times
Articulate and graceful
Dripping piety from your fingertips
How could anyone
Say you're wrong?
You say you're only doing God's work
Concerned for souls
Following a voice divine
You're so comfortable
In this tiny world you've built around you
Where everything has its place
And reality holds no sway
It may not be your fault
You've had help
Building those walls around yourself
So many voices
Teaching you about this false reality
They have put you up so high
On this pedestal of decay
You think yourself so far above
The poor little creatures below you
How your heart breaks
With false compassion
You pick and choose
The ones you shower your acid love upon
And you disdain the ones
Who don't belong in your little world
You hiss with venom
And you say it is the will of God
That they should be blotted out
Cast away into darkness
They have no place
In your little box of false holiness
But those walls are cracking
The Truth cannot be destroyed
You will fight to the death
Desperately trying
To hold that world together
Burning everyone around you as you fall
On that day
You will have a real choice to make
To meet God in the broken ashes of your reality
And let Him lead you to the light
Or to rebuild in the darkness
I pray for those in your wake
And I pray you will have the Grace
To let the poisoned world around you fall
So you can stand on solid ground
And that those who still love you
Will not be lost
Oh, false prophet
Such damage you cause
To hearts around you
In the name of God
You bring such suffering
I burn with anger for you
But I pray with fervor
To a God who sees
Every action you take
Casting down His children
Into darkness in His name
I pray for them
And I pray for you
God have mercy

Thank you
For sharing some of your heart with me
I promise I will keep it safe
And I will never walk away
I know it seems strange
That I should love your heart so fiercely
Precious in the eyes of the Lord
Is the death of His faithful ones
You have died a thousand deaths
And the Lord was never blind
He has chosen to let me see your heart
With the love held in His eyes
You are not forgotten
And you are not alone
Your heart bleeds love until its empty
And still you give
Desperately reaching
For something that can fill you
Before you become
Too hollow to survive
I know you've been betrayed
Attacked by those you love
And those who were meant to love you
More than anyone
Your soul shudders from the longing
For a mother who doesn't dig
Deep claw marks in your heart
For a father who doesn't leave
Such angry emptiness inside you
For a world that makes some sense
Because it shouldn't be this way
You carry such a burden
And you try so hard to hide it
These wounds inside your heart
Bleed out all the more with fierce compassion
You long to protect and rescue others
The way you never were
And I promise you this day
No matter how you wander
Or get lost in the storms
I will never walk away
I know the truth your heart has forgotten
I see it when I look through God's eyes
You are precious in His sight
So you are precious in my eyes
You say you are a burden
I say you are a gift from God
And I give thanks
That He let me stand with you
You may not understand it
Perhaps you never will
This side of Heaven
But that's alright
Just trust me when I say
You are God's gift in my life
You never have to apologize
You don't have to thank me
Thank you for sharing some of your heart with me
I promise I will keep it safe
And I will never walk away