The ocean breeze caresses her skin
Though she's still in Math 103
It tickles her face and tangles her hair
Though she's still in room 118

The sun peaks out from behind the clouds
Yet she's still in Math 103
It warms the sand beneath her feet
Yet she's still in room 118

She falls in love with the sun and the sea
While she's still in room 118
At this point she's not sure she's going to pass
Pointless old Math 103

I'm happy for you
I truly am
But this smile is not the portrait of that happiness
It is a poorly formed mask
Used to hide my jealousy
And my pain
And worst of all my self-pity and self-hatred

I want nothing more
Than to smile once again
And to mean it
But the cavernous hole in my heart
That has yet to be filled with the love of another
Grows larger and larger with each passing day
Each week
Each month
Each year
And every day it becomes harder to even put on the mask to hide beneath
Every day a little more of the jealousy
The pain
The self-pity and the self-hatred shows
And I fear that when my heart can no longer bear the weight
Of the mask any longer
I will truly be alone

Why am I always the one left alone?
Just because I don't voice my every feeling, my every emotion
That doesn't mean I don't have them
So you walk away
And you share your feelings with each other
And I'll just sit here and die a little more on the inside
Again
Just because you haven't seen me cry
That doesn't mean I'm not weak
I am
I'm weaker than I let on
And I'm weaker than you would guess
And I'm tired. Of. Being. Alone.
But I won't cry
Not in front of you, anyway
I'll just sit here and die a little more  on the inside
Again
There is a hunger in my stomach, yes
But it is nothing compared to the one in my heart
The hunger that eats away at my very soul and mind
And begs for the touch of another
For the attention of another
But is refused time and time again
So I wait
And I sit here
And I die a little more on the inside
**Again

Are you kidding?
This isn't me.
This was never and will never be me.
Nobody liked her.
Nobody likes her.
I hid her away and I changed her.
I changed her so many times
even I don't remember what she was.
Who she was.
There are so many other hers, other me's,
that I can't find her anymore.
She's gone.
She's gone and all that's left are the 'upgrades'.
The upgrades remain and each one contains less of me than the next.
Who will I be tomorrow?
Who knows?
Who cares?

Let's cuddle in the blankets
And pretend we see the sky
We'll close our eyes and count the stars
Just us, you and I

Let's swim in a vast lake
And pretend we're in the sea
We'll fight off whales and giant sea snails
Just us, you and me

Let's fall in love forever
And pretend we'll never die
We'll cuddle and hug and ****** and love
Just us, you and I