The damage is done
Blade already ******
Brain already shut down
Now numb and empty
So void of feeling
Hollow to the core
Substance is long gone
What is left?
Empty shell of a girl
Already damaged, done
Vacuous and blank
Like a sheet of paper
Not yet tainted
With lies already written
By my own devilish hand
A blank slate with
Room left for life
To be lived and loved
What is left?
Nothing, emptiness
A blank book with room
For written words
By my own hand
What is left?
Hollow to the core
An empty shell
Already damaged and done

So here I sit, contemplating
Alone in my thoughts
Wallowing in self pity
Alone in my own head
Wanting for something
Not sure what
Needing for something
Unaware
Of some tangible thing
Something to hold
Such a thing
Does not exist
Such a thing
I cannot have
Just beyond my grasp
I see others enjoy
Laughing in frevolity
While I sit in contemplation
Drowning in my thoughts
Unaware of those
All around me
Laughing with joy
While I sit alone
In silent contemplation
Dreaming of a life
I will not have, dreams
I will not reach, hopes
I will never see
So I sit in quiet thought
Alone in my own head

I was never good enough
Hit it and quit it
That describes me
I don't deserve anything
Nothing more than that
That proved true
Sad existence
Lonely

There is I story I must tell
The tale of a broken girl
She always knew who she was
Until her dreams were taken
Snatched away by evil men
The took away her fight
No longer was the girl
Biting, clawing, and scrapping
She was weak and lifeless

This is  the tale of a shattered girl
With a fairy tale childhood
Except that everything was ****
She was torn then and destroyed now

After many years of fighting
Anyone would eventually give up
This damaged girl is no different
She has no more fight inside
No more strength in her bones
All out of stamina for battling

The tale of a battered, broken girl

The world moves around me
People go about their days
No one the wiser, in tune
They see content and peace
All the while, I scream
At the top of my lungs, but
All the comes out is a squeak
Where has my voice gone?
That was taken too, surprise
No more *dignity, virtue, or naïveté *
That was stolen, I am HOLLOW
A walking "vision" but no guts
Nothing, simply a human suit
A sack of "I'm fine" and "just down"
No one can fully know me
No one wants to see that
A hollow girl with nothing
Not a thing to offer others
The world continues on and on
No knowledge of the pain
That fills my very being, soul
Make up and long sleeves, they hide me
They are my shield and cloak
No one wants to see what
Is under my armor, no one
A hollow girl, no substance

The weight removed
From my very chest
Heavy and debilitating  
                Breathe
My thoughts silenced
Only for a moment
Then back again
                Breathe
Self hatred inside
My soul being drained
Earthly body fragile
                 Breathe
Breakable with touch
The weight lifted
Lungs are full
                **Breathe

How much time have I wasted?
Being sad and low
How much time have I wasted?
In hospitals, on gurneys
How much time have I wasted?
Hating instead of loving

The days go by and by
The flow effortlessly past
Such as breath from a mouth
Simple even, child's play

Days months, and years pass
No more wasting time
Time to make the best
Of this forgotten time
That we can now enjoy

At first I believed the lies
That you were my friend.        
        You took away my anxiety
        You took away my pain
A feeling of numb overwhelmed
        You took away the good too
        You took away my laughter
        Happiness, joy, and solace
When I chose to leave you
A hole formed in my soul
        You took part of me with you
The tears flowed and cries echoed
When I chose to leave you
So much of me did you take
        I lost my identity
        When I left you

Oh how I dream of summer nights
When you lay that old blanket out
The dewy grass of the football field
No lights are on, but you remember
Games lost and won on that field
Sitting in the stands and cheering
Those were the days of innocence
Days when you were free and naive
The band playing, crowd roaring

But now the field is empty and blank
No cheering students and parents
Nothing except for the two
On the old blanket in the dewy grass
Looking up at the stars
Remembering

      Time lost and gained

The two of them laying
In the dewy grass of the field
Peaceful and reflecting

My grip on reality is loosening
My hold on this earth is slipping
Fish flying and birds swimming
No note rhyme or reason
There are elephants the size of ants
And bees like 747's dropping bombs
What's real and what's imagined?
Am I in one dimension or another?
Gravity doesn't exist and smiles are insults
Shaking hands is an act of war
Going on one million times over
War happening in the palm of my hand
Which way is earth? I live underground
My guitar weeps tears of blood
Coming out of every string and fret
Shadows come out of my fingertips
Nothing is safe, objects have mace
Ready and armed for an attack
On the human race
Human race

Life isn't fair, is it?
**** happens to good people
Bad people reap rewards
For some twisted reason
There are those that defy
The norms of humanity

What faith is left?
What truth is there?

Truth isn't fun
Truth isn't nice
The truth is sad
The truth is depressing
The truth is that life
Well, life isn't fair

Time to grow the **** up

GROW UP

Stab

Right into my flesh
Twist the blade
Make me squeal
Twist and turn
Writhing in pain

Strike

An elbow in my jaw
Sharp and accurate
Sure to leave a bruise
Teeth knocked loose
Now wired shut

Sear

A hot iron bright red
Pressed into my hand
Leaves delicate flesh
Charred and dead
Burns in the 3rd degree

You made me feel vial
Unlovable and *****
You planted a seed in me
One of anger and rage

I have never been the same
Never thought the same
But I've come to realize
I don't want to go back

For months I wished
For nothing more
Than a time machine
To go back to that day

That awful, terrible, horrid day
When my virtue was taken
My self respect
POUNDED out of me

I felt broken and weak
Lifeless and hollow
I wanted to die, be done
Why didn't they **** me?

I always wondered why
They should have ended
The life they destroyed
Just ceased my pain

Life is not that easy
Nor that simple
Life is suffering and pain
Without it we would be

A colorless painting

I am a tree

                My roots are my past
                Branches, my growing future
                One day my branches
                They will be longer

Longer than my roots
Stronger than my past
They will reach high
into the air they will climb

                Then there will be me
                Climbing gear
                Ready to climb
               Up to the very top

When will that day come?
When I have the courage
To reach that top
And find true unadulterated

                  **BLISS

You don't understand how I hurt
You can't know the pain you caused
When I even think of you
My very insides boil
How can you influence me so?
How I view myself
I look in the mirror and see
The wrath of your actions
I throw out a half assed smile
You don't understand how I hurt
Deep, hot, throbbing pain

Children in costumes
House to house for candied treats
Too much energy

Everyone sees me smile
They assume so many things
Most of them false
Far from the truth
They see a smiling girl
But in reality I am
Someone who doesn't belong
Not here, locked away
Put here for my own protection
They think I simply take up space
Space for someone with real problems
Not a dumb little girl
Someone who can't cope
I should have it all together
Why do I flounder?

I smile like I am happy
I laugh as though I feel joy
I joke like I am jolly
But the reality is much dimmer

My heart is not filled with joy
My soul is not bubbling with love
When I look in the mirror, I cry
I feel so much emptiness
I only feel sadness and despair

The masks I wear keep me safe
They allow me to function
With in the constraints of society
Without my masks, I would be raw

My raw self is vulnerable
It can be beaten, hurt, and bruised
I can never allow that

Never let people know my weakness
I must be strong, at any cost
So I wear them, my many masks
Hiding the little girl afraid

You took my innocence
You took my sense of safety
You took my ability to trust
You changed my feelings on intimacy

But you gave me much more
You gave me awareness
You gave me caution
You gave me a blazing fire

A fire that burns inside
A fire to fight with
You had absolutely no idea
How much stronger I would be

You took my sense of safety
My ability to trust
But you gave me even more
A am forever a fighter

Fear is all consuming
A black hole in space
Slowly ******* me in
Swallowing my entire being
Fear is constant
It changes forms often
Shape shifting all the time
It is tricky and cunning
It weasels its way in
To every facet of myself
Fear is panic
The overwhelming feeling
feeling that your heart has
Made it way to your throat
Your palms are clammy
the anticipation of tragedy
That all dwells in fear
No hope of an end
No promise of a resolution
Fear is all consuming

People ask me why I cut
People say "Why would you do that?"
I'm too young to be this sad
People don't understand
I cut for me, I cut for pain
Emotional pain makes me sick
It is unbearable and all-consuming
Emotional pain in which I wallow
Physical pain is easier
Physical pain is short term
It allows me to Focus
Focus on the thin red line
The drops of blood pooling
I don't have to think at all
Nothing comes into my brain
Nothing but pain signals
No remembrance of ****
Abandonment and abuse
Cutting is my escape, my salvation
I am full of so many demons
When I cut I bleed them out
Each drop of red is a tear I've cried
Many tears and many red droplets
Physical pain overcomes me
Wraps me up in a ****** up blanket
Cutting is my drug, my escape
I am given the chance to numb
The ache in my heart is released
Through the valleys in my arm
Valleys carved into my flesh
Released through the blood
Pooling on the bathroom floor
A puddle of pain and demons
This is a puddle of me, all the
*****, nasty, unlovable, *******
Then there is a moment of bliss
That moment when I numb
Like right before they put you to sleep
The numb feeling of emptiness
I don't think about the demons
The demons in my head, screaming
They are no longer in my brain
They are in the puddle on the floor
No longer inside of me
Gone for a moment but not forever
Pain always comes back
This is why I cut, to quiet the pain

People ask me why I cut
People say "Why would you do that?"
I'm too young to be this sad
People don't understand
I cut for me, I cut for pain
Emotional pain makes me sick
It is unbearable and all-consuming
Emotional pain in which I wallow
Physical pain is easier
Physical pain is short term
It allows me to Focus
Focus on the thin red line
The drops of blood pooling
I don't have to think at all
Nothing comes into my brain
Nothing but pain signals
No remembrance of ****
Abandonment and abuse
Cutting is my escape, my salvation
I am full of so many demons
When I cut I bleed them out
Each drop of red is a tear I've cried
Many tears and many red droplets
Physical pain overcomes me
Wraps me up in a ****** up blanket
Cutting is my drug, my escape
I am given the chance to numb
The ache in my heart is released
Through the valleys in my arm
Valleys carved into my flesh
Released through the blood
Pooling on the bathroom floor
A puddle of pain and demons
This is a puddle of me, all the
*****, nasty, unlovable, *******
Then there is a moment of bliss
That moment when I numb
Like right before they put you to sleep
The numb feeling of emptiness
I don't think about the demons
The demons in my head, screaming
They are no longer in my brain
They are in the puddle on the floor
No longer inside of me
Gone for a moment but not forever
Pain always comes back
This is why I cut, to quiet the pain

Who really cares?
About a lost little girl
A silly lost girl
Who really cares?
For a girl with scars
All up her arms
Down her sides
Who really cares?


Please show me who
Please tell me you care


Who really cares?
About a ****** up girl
A scared little girl


Who really cares?
About my silly little problems
Of a silly little girl

What is it to purge?
Why do people suffer
Purging makes me numb
It takes many forms
Emotional pain
Physical pain
The lesser me
Would purge sustenance
I purge differently now
I purge words
Like the ones on this page
I purge my feelings
All up and down the paper
Less damage to my body
Nourishing my soul
This is how I purge now

Monsters are real
They do not live in
Closets or under beds

They live in our heads
Clawing and yelling
Trying to get out