Hewn from rocks and pebbles, ***** murky beginnings.
Forgotten over time.
The harder you hit me, the brighter I shine.
The harder you rub me out, the brighter I shine.
The darkness you put me in, the brighter I shine.
The more you break me, the brighter I shine.
From all facets of light, through life and endless time,  I shine.
I am precious.
I am unbreakable.
I am strength unbound.
I can cut through you, and you will still desire me.
For is that not, what I was made to do?
I shine.
From the core.
Dig deeper and there you will find me.
A rich mans commodity.
A poor mans treasure.
I shine.
Keep me safe, and I will shine for you forever.

I found you, by accident.
A pebble in the sand,  
You had been drowned by each overwhelming tide,
And battered and whittled down,
By other rocks around you.
And you ended up here,
Right in my sight, by my toes.
I bend down and pick you up,
With my hand.
I feel every smooth edge,
Every crack and every scar.
I marvel at you,
I think of the journey you had made,
To get here,
And all the years it had taken
For you to be in my hand.
I take you home, in my hands,
And place you on my bedside table,
And feel quietly serene at your closeness.
My treasure, my amazing find,
My Diamond in the rough.

Is a name of the sweetest kind

she threw me up - some old time movie kinda girl

busted some moves like she was a snake on a plane

poisonous i drank her deeply, cooly like whatchamacallit

yep i am feelin that vibe, i tell you

she is beauty perfected, she makes my heart thump

i never met her, never once did i see her face

she catches my breath and holds it, she laughs

at the way i try to breathe her in

she suffocates my soul because she knows i want her,

want her so bad

and i just think that when the wind blows

will it catch me and take me far from here?

i can see her laughing from the corner of my eye

i can spy on her, yet she doesn't know where i am

and still she makes it difficult to breathe

tendrils wrap round my body

cold, it throws me into shock

a swimming pool in the night

i can't catch my breath, i drown in her

she enters my skin and pulls at my legs

i am not grounded, when she is here

smile, she makes me

feel

warm inside, like i can survive this dream

and when i think i can't take anymore

i take some more

i take a deep breath and she is there before me

ready and willin to tear away my thoughts

i had before

come see me she says, come hold my hand

and i will

keep you

in my

arms

Whether or not you love me,
you have to walk out in this world,
and know there is something to lose
and some victory,
there is only something in you making history,
by falling in love, with me.

I took a picture on my phone,
of a man who was in front of me
who smelt of my fathers cologne,
just so that i could see if it was him
and so that you can understand
what it means to be scared
of someone who is supposed to unconditionally love me.
So when i tell you that
i don't believe in love,
don't try to make me see something
i cannot comprehend,
because God is an easier construct
for me to even entertain
than being told i am loved.

Sections of hairpins starting to fall,
relief in the cold as you cling to the wall.
Watching the rain as it shoots thru your eyes,
calming the feelings of all that you despise.
Hearing them screamin while you try and curse,
beginning to shout louder as the bubble bursts.
Breathing the the dark looking for a star,
marking your territory as you slide thru the bar.
Blind but painless, killing the light,
feeling the room as you grasp for the night;
then rolling your fingers thru your revelling brain,
wondering if your duvet will go insane.
Sweating out the blood from the memory of a stare,
calling a name, wondering is she was there.
Pinpricking the iris, the beauty of the eye,
hearing all the words in the inch of a sigh.
Walking on the magic of the silence of a tune,
grasping the carpet in the middle of your room.
Endlessly dancing with an invisible hold,
watchin and falling as the cards begin to fold.
To amazing to fall, too strong to cheer,
too beautiful by far to feel this fear.
don't run from the wind when the wind beings to turn,
instead ignite your soul and let your passion burn.....

Forgive me dear heart for my sin,
I never did what was written on the tin.
Poor lost broken and confused?
Blue, black and broken and abused?
I wasn’t no guitar solo ready to break
I am not giving - so you cannot take!
Who was that in the mirror, was it me?
I never was my cup of tea;
I was no conflict, no part of this war
But yet I understand what I’m dying for-
Who was that in the mirror, who was I then?
Not one but twice around and then again
It was not your heartbeat I felt in my hand
You think I was something you have planned.
Well **** me I was never that ****,
And if you think that’s rude, I’m just being blunt!
I don’t want no sorry, I don’t want to apologise
I am what I am, this is no disguise.
I do not listen to tales of woe or deceit
I do not think listen to myself on repeat.
I never did what I thought I ought to do
I am not a mirror image of you.
There is a department for your complaint
Don’t find me there coz I aint,
I don’t keep score, because I don’t play the game
Oooo the shock, the hypocrisy and the shame.
I hear a sharp intake of breath by my side
And here we go again around and down for the ride
Who am I? Who the **** are you?
Here’s your money back, now go take a pew
Oh heart, how dost thou love now?
I don’t, I never took no holy vow.
So forgive me and reconcile
Turn down those thoughts by the volume dial
And no I could never write a better rhyme,
Don’t give me your hand and then waste my time.
Forgive me dear heart for I forgot you were there,
I’ll remember tho for this ruin is too much to bear.

Here.
I am, again.
Happy as can be.
Lost, seems to be within my nature,
and people?
People are faces of meat that have died beneath the collar,
strangled by life,
and asphyxiated by the torment of being right, or wrong.
Walls are seeping around me,
there seems to be a change in the wind,
so i set my sails, again.
There is an essence of poison in the air,
though i know not of what it smells,
just how it looks,
and the it looks dark and heavy,
there is a storm coming, and i batten down the rigging.
Over and over again,
tossing and turning,
standing at the deck, overthrown by salty waves of disposition.
At last i arrive on a new shore,
my fingers are numb, my legs are weak,
all my possessions are lost,
and i become lost once again.
A vulture is circling the skies, and i run between the trees,
camouflage is not so good in this new world,
there are many of them, so many.
I have lost my footprints, there are no breadcrumbs here,
to lead me back home.
Home, so far from home,
there is no candle in the window for me,
there is no motif of my pictures on a wall,
so whilst i am hiding under fern leaves,
and there are many vultures, and poisonous insects are abundant,
i know there is no going back.
So here i am, left and abandoned,  by my own doing,
vultures encircling the sky, after the skin that is hanging from my bones.
And i finally find the desert,
too dry to find the water,
too wet to find the salt,
to raw to feel the wind,
and too blind to see the sun.
Surrounded by coarse grit, it becomes my food,
my bitters, my daily bread, my toothpaste.
And here i am,
on a road to nowhere,
in the middle of nowhere,
in the middle of nowhere,
with the people with skin hanging from their faces,
with their bones seen through their fingertips,
to the walls they have built,
to the ships they have sailed,
to the new land they have *****,
to the deserts they have drowned,
and here, i am.
Where is this place?

I would not want, to die,
without seeing the breath escape your lungs as you sleep like a child,
after a hard days work.
I would not want to leave this world,
without firstly seeing your eyes as they take in the  beauty you perceive in the majesty,
of your work.
I would not want to exhale my last breath,
without feeling the ever so delicate parts of your skin that keep your body together,
the one which takes my breath away.
I would not want to believe in my last moments,
that i had missed the exalted taste of your lips in a moment of passion,
for me, just as i am, as you see me.
I would not want to die.
Without first seeing your tears escape their boxes and forage their way out of your mind,
whilst you let me hold you, and catch them on my skin.
I would not want to see the light,
because i have guaranteed that i have seen this in you,
a candle in the window to light the way home.
I would not want to close my eyes for the last time,
in case they forgot the very memory of your face, and mine,
as we made ourselves in to the day and night of the world.
I would not let my body surrender to the dark,
without letting you know i had already surrendered to you,
body, mind and soul.
I would not let them take me away,
without knowing that the hand i had to hold, held me in a way,
that protected me without even wielding a sword.
I would not want to die,
without seeing you write better than you speak,
in legible handwritten desires of love and questions of life, and remarks of beauty.
I want not want to go into that place,
without knowing what the world i have lived in, was with you at my side,
and together we made a life of glory out of suffering and pain.
I would not want to go to that place,
because heaven wherever, or what that is, is right here,
with you in my mind, darling, and i cannot believe there is anything,
such a place anywhere else in mind, description or form,
because if i should die,
i would know that heaven already exists,
in you.
Then i would, go,
because i have known that all that life had to give me,
was given,
in sheer force, power, mystery, majesty and beauty,
by you,
lying there with your eyes closed, and breathing as if,
it was heaven you were already in.
My darling if i should die,
know this,
you were the one thing that kept me alive,
through all these things we call 'times',
and without knowing it,
you gave life to death.

I thought I kissed you and tasted a shooting star. Later on by the fire of the sunset, I watched as you burnt out against the mark of the sun. You left a mark in the grass between the car and its tyres. You reminded me of a shadow. I touched you and cut myself on your edges. Rusted by the fight between freedom and pain. Losing your way. Oh what a day. Oh what a week, a lifetime of me and you, between the tides of the sea. Breakdown on the way across the sky. Do or die? Do I die? Patience with this game was over a long ago. My attention span is only due to my lack of self control. Controlled I was by the beauty of you.

A coffee break is all you are to me. I never drink caffeine so think
yourself...lucky I made the risk. I never planned to jump into the room. I never meant to make you crash and BOOM. Curiously, curiously and curiosity killed the kitty cat. Black as a bat, I can't hear the fear in the night; I do NOT understand your fight. I wear my hat to the side because I like the way it looks. Beside my bed is a pile of adventure stories in antique books. You aint an adventure to me. I am bored by your ****, your *** is nothing compared to size of your mouth, that kisses as tho you were being filmed. That talks to me as tho I understand **** and look like it. No. Thank. You. I am gone, I am done, movin up, moving on.

I would marry him by the time I was 35 if I was still single and renting this rollercoaster ride. I will forget you stood by my side within a week or two. I will laugh tho at the times you though you knew me and really I was just bored. Of you. Name your price, make me feel I am worth your time. Blow my frikkin mind, you don't have to be cruel to be kind. I am not a monopoly game, do I look like  Miss ******* Scarlett? Don't try to make me see what you can. My eyesight is blind sided to thoughts of you and all I wanted to do to you. And I did. Your loss, some other girls gain. Someone else to call my name. Shallow you may think – oh no – this my dear is all a show.

My scar still bleeds from you. A tetanus jab was not required at this time. I am never wrong, I am sometimes right. I like to jump on my bed and dance to music in the mornings. I looked at you, sometimes, long ago, thought I could see your sunrise. You were already burnt out. I don't believe in creating miracles. We could talk all day about you, and I would know nothing. Good morning you. Watch as I walk away, into the crowd. I'll forget what you tasted like but I won't forget I tasted you once.

I am quiet, I am serene, I am wind and fire, I am, a queen. I am breathe and voice, I am heart and beat, I am sounds you cradle, I am the sole of your feet. I am carrier and word, I am thought and mistrust, I am heat and ice, I am *** and lust. I am fallen and hit, I am, sleep, I am dominant and stubborn, I am crushed and defeat. I am bells that toll, I am a philistine, I am hushed and centred, I am thou and thine. I am pulled, I am broken, and torn, I am consciousness and lost, I am reborn. I am woman, I am words and tongue, I am here and present, I am bullet and gun. I am wolf and fierce, I am protector of all, I am belief and faith, I am short and tall. I am fever, I am skin, and bone, I am a hug at night, I am a place you call home. I am sleep, I am dream, I am sufficient and loud, I am sewn and seam. I am lover and beauty, I am incredible and bereft, I am walk and talk, I am dumb and deaf. I am depth and substance, I am creator of life, I am misdeeds, I am trouble and strife. I am siren, I am power, I am forbidden fruit, I am the choir. I am fear, I am fright, I am creep and gentle, I am sense of right. I am tree, I am creature, I am autumn leaves, I am life's student and teacher. I am stop and halt, I am impe-tuous, I am starving, I am ra-venous. I am pelt, I am growl and claw, I am raven and rook, I am hammer and saw. I am flight, I am graceless, I am mercy, I am faceless. I am duty, I am bound, and enslaved, I am soar and breeze, I am story and fade. I am *******, I am almighty power, I am she, I am the tick, tock, tick, in your hour. I am beseeched, I am judged and shunned, I am a rough ****, I am powder in your gun. I am movement, I am forward, and pause, I am magic and mystic, I am the air in applause. I am brake light, I am crash and burn, I am wanton and demanding, I am 'when will you ever learn?', I am ex, I am honesty, and offence, I am lying naked and marked, I am dreaded intense. I am baker, I am cook, I am carer, I am all you took. I am forest, I am howl, and fang, I am bracken and bush, I am sung and sang. I am heave and sigh, I am a look of disgrace, I am tortured thought, I am disappointed face. I am halo, I am the barren chest, I am fortitude, I am armour and breast.  I am hot, I am spice, and flavour, I am between and in, I am reverence and saviour. I am bold red, I am bright and hue, I am sought and hidden, I am me, not you. I am the edge of forever, I am precipice and knife, I am forged steel, I am husband and wife. I am hedonism, I am beautifully free, I am arms wide open, I am everything of me. I am thought, I am prayer, I am darling, my darling, I am awake and aware. I am the trigger, I am a white flag of peace, I am the mother, I am desist and decease. I am climbing up higher, I am builder of bridges wide, I am swung high and low, I am by your side. I am cut grass, I am burnt toast, I am broken crystal glass, I am what you love to hate the most. I am a lady, I am a lover in the day and the night, I am restart, renew, I am a flame burning bright. I am gay and straight,  I am dual and nigh, I am man-lover undercovers, I am the apple of my eye. I am au-revoir in the morning, I am the last goodbye, I am something untold, I am the last time I cry. I am ******, I am drugged and tired, I am pain, I am high, and wired. I am level, I am calm and content, I am wink and thumb, I am the mortgage and the rent. I am fumble and tumble, I am drop and slip, I am smash and grab, I am slide and trip. I am laughter wide open, I am smile and teeth, I am depression and loss, I am the widow in grief. I am inner child, I am hurt and abused, I am friend and lover, I am wasted and used. I am survivor, I am strong in spirit and mind, I am a force to be reckoned with, I am resiliently kind. I am nature and nurture, I am tribe and race, I am society and people, I am colour and taste. I am within, I am without, I am shadow and hand, I am thought and doubt.
I am but, me. I am not.

I thought you would have made the most grandiose of lesbians, as women go, you were quite sublime. You caught me with your androgyny of  hair and your boyish shoes. Too safe to listen to country music, your exquisite headphones blasted out some beligirent cross-hatch nonsense. So i tailed you, so i went to where your footsteps had inwittingly left their mark. I followed you into bars with organic juices, and book shops for the intelligentsia. I watched you across a crowded room, in smokeless bars, whilst you laughed gently at friends jokes; and how i wished i was the punchline, what i would give for that mouth to smile at me. Mirror-red, i would take off your head if you would let me.....

How i wished you were dead, so i could mourn you in a proper fashion. Looking glass. Paper hearts. Ancient things i had forgotten when i looked at you - so exquisite, so shiny, so super and new. How everyone envied me. I had been so good uptil now - the modern bride, wedded to my mind. Singleton screams soprano from my face, orange peeled lips. Unzip me, my handbag head spills on the pavement. Confused by you, confounded by you. Oh you majestic awe-inspiring lesbian, you seem to tick all those (non-conformist) boxes. I, a brilliant lazy yorkshire matinee; you, a grandiouse west end friday night opening. I read the script, somewhat deja-viewed. Are you shocked i worked thee out?

A date with your phone. oh, how, very..... original. Though i cannot but tear my eyes away from what you are doing....a penny in a handful of silver. Drop from my fingers, remove your eyes from my sight. REmove, my sweet experienced delight. Watch as i drive away..the weight of my absence must crush you surely.....? Do alarm bells ring?...No wait..does the heaven sing and mourn your loss? what a pity, a-fly-by-the-night-at-any-cost-i-don't-care-because-i'm-toooooooo­o-cool-for-you, sorta pity? I am not your shadow, your stripes were blacked out by the light, i didn't care to see anymore, and i knew you would not follow so i chose my leave to go. (just so you know, this is me...leaving, you)

Too many lips for me to count, you talk tooo much. You sit there and all i can think of is lying you down and making you stop, talking. Too much? My oh My. Let me take you from here, make you forget who you are. Walk down a beach, hold hands, even if its raining. Too much to ask? Oh so many task. So many standards and obligations, too many notes and standard citations. I just want to do, anything, but listen to you talk. Again and again, i wonder when you will stop to look at me. I guess you would always be the girl, who was afraid to know, the truth. For the lack of you, do something. Four seems better than three, don't you think?

I can't remember the last time i had a real smile.
I lost it somewhere back in 2007.
It hitched a ride on the back of someone's fist and was gone for good,
ran out on me, like a linebacker for the pro's.
I have a smile, i made.
I found some superglue, and some matchsticks, and held it together with my eyes.
I used it to describe the way i wanted people to see me.
It was like a stretched piece of gauze,
because the original scars still cracked through,
and i didn't want people to see,
the real me.
I carry this smile with me everywhere i go,
It's only for public use,
at other times, i hide it away in the kitchen drawer,
with the bills, and important letters,
that i will deal with,
one day.
I sometimes wonder what happened to that smile.
Is it coming  back?
Is it taking a holiday?
Is it teaching me a lesson?
Is it fighting through the hard times to get to me, desperately?
Is it waiting until it is, well deserved?
But still, i guess, i will keep the glue,
as this one seems to be working,
and no-one seems to notice,
the difference.
And i appreciate that its not easy to be a faker,
but at least when you get so good,
you don't really remember who you really are.
And that's really ok,
because no-one needs to find that out anyways,
when you become what you believe,
and find it really does come true.

lyrics - not a usual poem*

It's time for me to go,
To a place I've never been,
It's time for me to fall in love,
With things I've never seen.

And if you should miss me,
Here's what I have to say,
Keep awake for the sunrise,
For tomorrow is another day.

It's time for me to leave,
Staying here is breaking me apart,
It's time for me to wander alone,
And find my own new start.

And if my face is lost from your mind,
Here's what I believe to be true,
My face is not important my darling,
For I am in the very heart of you.

It's time for me to put my shoes on,
And go very far away from here,
It's time to forget everything,
I once held so close and dear.

So if you should forget me, my love,
That would do just fine,
For if we were meant to be,
Love will find the time.

I heard somewhere
that there was fairies at the end of the path
some mystical love myth
some woe to end my wrath
but i walked these footsteps
i went through everything without any fear
and yet the one i lost made me cry
some silent tear
i loved without giving
i sung without being heard
she took all i gave her
and she took it without a word
i only got paid half the daydream
i had paid in for much longer
but she took it all ,
**** her i am better and stronger
and this is no sorry i love you
'i am sorry for what happened' *****
i just wish you weren't the one
i wished was here at night
and i wish you weren't the one
i had so much cause to care
because to be honest
you really quite *****
when you were there
oh my sweet angel
my deadliest ****** nightmare
there's no weight in your love
in your patronisin 'whatever' glare
i thought you were somethin
i cared to think there was somethin more
but to be quite honest
you were just washed upon the shore
i wait for the day
your time will come to pass
but take a good look bitach
this will be your very last.....

I want him.
Bare backed, muscle clawed, miracles clenched in fingertips.
Bruises on legs, cuts on fingers, and every, other, bone, that ,
Is exposed to nature.
I want him.
Kisses in the morning, lightly snoring, breathless words,
As he sleeps.
Dreaming of better days.
I want him.
Mud crusted fingernails, face flushed, arctic breath,
Head frowned in concentration,
To tell me what he has read.
I want him.
Morning enlived, running abandoned, feet askew,
Eyes are open wide, wider, widened,
To tell me of that I do not see.
I want him.
Dancing enraptured, limbs snaked, head weightless,
Circle turning, arms led to mine, enclosure,
To remind me of what is, safe.
I want him.
Body *****, skinless, shirtless free,
No thing has an ounce of him, no thing,
Except, my want of him.

i wonder why she ever felt the need to give herself away like that

why she could never look in the mirror

and see what i can see

she doesn't need to be anyone or be anybody

my perfection is met by her alone;

It was me that was dented and bruised

i don't want deceit or lies or breakable promises

i'm lost in a whirlwind of memories

i'm blinded by a beauty unique

its sorry that i am when i feel her there

that she had that and i wasn't there

i wonder where is that person i used to be?

i was poisoned a long time ago

someone made it a game of who can hurt the most

she drew a line in the sand and out poured my blood

everytime she talks its as if she is speaking a different language

she is a stranger from a distant dream

she destroyed my self worth

and i do not know how to come back from that

i'm scared because i was drowned in a previous life

she held my head underwater til i suffocated

and i lost it, that piece of me

she finally punched the wind out of me

and dragged me up to teach me it was my fault

she won, i have no fight anymore

i don't want to fight, she makes it hard to think, to breathe

a noose around my neck, my hands, my mind

i just want to be, to be here and be here with my love

to hold her hand and not to apologise

for every single little thing, because i am not sure of who i am

because, the other one, the one of whom i cannot speak

she took it out of me

and made me nothing more than worthless and pointless

and now i fight, for me, to find myself

she is weak, i am strong and she broke me apart to show me i could be weak

then laughed,

then she spat on my grave as she walked away with another girl

I close my eyes. Feel your words inside my head. Whispering carefully they say the sweetest things, on my thoughts they do tread. I feel the beat of your heart, it pushes from beneath my skin. Oh. My. Lord. My saviour. I cannot withstand this heat from within. I feel no breath to breathe from, no more. No ending, no beginning of my hand to your lips; from where the waves meet the shore. Tender music is made and formed from the shell of my ear. No-one will believe the symphony I hear. I crave the touch of your fingers. Thought I should let you know. You lie with me, myself and I. I am addicted to the very idea of you. You became my labyrinth, my torso, my rabbit hole. I tied you in a knot around my neck and left you there to hang.

And he held my head in his hands, looked at me and told me that he was at home. He took my eyes from the world and gave me a universe to see. It’s a miracle. I was blind, now I can see. Take my breath and I am still free, to breathe. Where does the time go when I am laid in your arms? I could be here forever and never know the sunshine, the air, the rain or the wind. No night will seem so dark. I watch you talk to me, and I am lost in your words. I forget myself. I forgive myself. We conquered the world that night. We made new revelations with our silence, and killed the silence with the laughter. Oh my god the morning after. La la laaaa la. Sorry do I cry tears right now. Do I look at you and make my vow?

Phe-nom-ne-nom. I sing along to you in my head. Reliving our moments. Rethinking what you said. Jefferson Airplane never said it so well. Woodstock was where this moment was born. I cut off my locks, I was reborn. Samson was not I. Running round walls I never thought were there, catching the moment before it was lost in the air. I listen to music before I never knew how to exist. To love, to cry, to believe, to fly; I was kissed. Traipsing my hand across your back, I listen to you. I try to hear what you’re saying. But all I can hear is myself. I revel in my wealth. I was lost, I was lost, I was lost. And , man, it feels so **** good.

it beats to a different drum

and i thought if i marched then they would come

to love me more than i thought i knew

but they didn't just you

now i know things have been said unkind

you must understand if only i could rewind

i would but i can't and now my heart beats alone



my hair it feels different without you here

words feel different in my ear

my spotlight dims and the world turns

and all my heart begins to burn

i never wanted you to let me go

and i am sure you love me still so

so who i am to hang on to?




Some beautiful angel who slept so sweetly

some girl who fell in love deeply

and she is the one of this i am sure

every heartbeat is an overture

and when i am thinking she is not here

i don;t know which way to steer

i am lost without you



my head is useless

my heartbeat is weak

my dreams are worthless

even as we speak

she turned me inside out and confused my soul

why aren't i whole?




I wish she could only see the marching band

that my heart plays for her by her very hand

but no, alas, alack, i am not worth what she feels

inside outside cart-*******-wheels

i wish she could see her beauty defined

no move made is misaligned

sweet surprise my beautiful




so as i sit here and my heart does weep

i wonder what song does feel its beat

she left me now inside a battle of will

of hurt and pain and yet still

i fight till i am bleeding from the tears in my eyes

i know she hates, i can feel her despise

and who am i to you




my heart it beats to a different tune

one that moves in the beauty of you

tho, i am scared to admit she is long gone by now

she made a pact with her head, a sacred vow

and to whom does her heart march, which soulful song?

and when did i ever feel so out of time, so wrong

my music beats in you....

I love you like i loved you, like the sun burns the sky and is a torch for those who are lost and alone and depressed. I love you like i would carve it into a tree, to live forever with the sky and the lovers that pass, lying underneath in the grass; i love you like i would carve it deep into my forearm as though it would scar my skin and i would have it forever lain in front of me. I love you like the ocean feels the sand, and moulds a new earth each time it moves, silently strong and forceful in its journey to meet the shore. I love you like i have lost a thousand hearts and found one in the aftermath of joyous destruction and creation of myself.

I love you like a wall clings to the cold, as i cling to the cold wall, as the wall stands strong and upright and strangely comforting in its form. I love you like i loved you, before the moon rose from the forest, and the sun went to bed in the desert, and each day was renewed at the same time it was ending. I love you like the music that never stops but gives me a ferocious appetite for passionate forever afters, and fairytales of magnificent lust, loss, betrayal and denial, and finally the happy ending. I love you like the birds love the sky, how the wings feel the freedom in flight, how the flap of a wing creates an invisible echo through the invisible air.

I loved you like i loved the scent of the forest after the rain, after the time had stopped and started again, and there was a moment in all of the moments, where i could see the drop of rain die upon the ground and begin again in the earth. I love you like i lost you; an old penny from my purse, an old reciept for that thing i wanted to return but never did, like my mind that runs from the heart that beats inside of me for you. I love you as i love the old time western movies, I love you like i love the good times from my childhood, innocent and happy, i love you as i remember those things i had forgot in forgetting the bad times.

I love you like the grass that lives on despite what horrid beings we are in the way we trample over it with no respect for its grace of being alive for us, and has withstood the test of time to be here. I love you like i loved you, like the stars internally combust to be born, a black firework that no-one can see, hear, feel, touch or sense, like the dried coffee cup laid out to be cleaned with remnants that you were 'here'. I love you like i love words, I love you like i love the meaning in the verb, the noun, the alliteration, the juxtaposition, the allegory of sea faring tales of pursuit, courage and defiance and success.

I love you like i love you. I love you like i expect to love you. I love you from my mistakes, my pride, my egoism, my negative voices, my shaking hands, my pain. I love you from my freedom of loving you, from the cartwheel, candy floss, on-the-edge of the world, 'hold on to your pants', rollercoaster, anticipation of unspoken words, the promising anticipated kiss and the touch from your skin to mine, kind of once-in-a-lifetime, love.

I loved you like i love you, like i love you, like i loved you.
For all these reasons are unknown and known and forgotten and remembered,
I love you, with every cigarette stained breath, from every sip of *****, from every regretful one night stand.
I love you, from the ink stained fingers of writing forget me not, from the abundance of joy in my heart, and the exploding passion in my volcanic mind, and from the look in my wise deserving eyes.

I loved you, for loving you, for loving's sake, and for you, for me and for, love.

These times are rough my friend.
No ship is ever meant to be anchored in a harbour.
Rough seas, storms, and titanic waves come at us, and we get through it, we soldier on, we are in the middle of the ocean using a broken compass to find our way.
We maybe lost, but the boat still sails, night, noon and day.
Some day we will run aground on new shores and we will understand what it was all about, and realise our tears that we thought we were drowing in, they were just a puddle, and we will stand on two feet and realise this it, we made it, we are strong again.

Put your two feet on the ground, and tell yourself you are grounded, you are grounded, you are part of this earth, you have a purpose, a gift and a future.
This one person in the great cosmological scheme of things, is merely a speck of dust on the band of time created by moments in our lives, to make memories, to make us stronger, to take that time, and gently strum your fingers across it and make a new type of rhythm, and new kind of time, a new future.

This person is not worth the love, time, attention you have given to them.
This is your time now.
This is your time.

Get passionate, get loving, let go of the chains that bind you to them.
You are your own person, and you are grounded.

Write and write and write, til the tears have fallen from bitterness, to rage, to depression, to ending, to believing and to end all the sadness.
This too shall pass.

Believe in you. You can do this. You are no mere mortal. You have survivied a thousand, billion, millions years of evolution to be here, your ancestors, ancestors, ancestors, all did it. You are a product of unimaginable surivial..

You have beautiful eyes to see this, look around you, hear with your willing ears, feel with your drowning heart and realise with your spinning, chaotic mind, that you will never ever see, feel or touch another time or moment like this ever, in the time of your life.

You have a potential 60 years of your life to live.

This person does not have the ground beneath their feet, nor the eyes in their head, nor the heart to recompense the hurt they have caused.

They are not you, you are not them. You are not longer their life, you are no longer beholden to them - however hard they hit you, with words, or pictures; remember you are a diamond amongst the rough, you will shine brighter and brighter.

Just be wary because moths, are always attracted to the brightest of lights which reside inside of the most internal and eternal beautiful people, who have shone through the darkest times.

Go take a walk, listen to your favourite music and remember you are you, and that is a beautiful freedom in itself.

I am always here, my arms open wide for a hug, and the kettle on the boil for tea, and a bottle of jack for when the stars appear, and when they do i will tell you, we are merely specks of dust riding on a planet through a never ever expanding universe, and you, my friend, are to be one of the most unimaginable, beautiful, proud, passionate creatures to survive the apocalypse of love, heartbreak and pain.
You are NOT alone. Ever

I take solace in you, in the very essence, of you. Something so pure and enraptured. With some beauty broken and unseen. Wrecking havoc from behind the nuance of distant piano music. Hidden by dark corners in backstreet bars, poorly lit by penny dropping candles, I wait, my love. Where you stride in a hat, with a cloak, and dagger. Mystical, whimsical, she sits far too serious for the barman’s liking. The soft tread of footsteps behind your right ear. Is that them, are they near? My heart feels brazen tonight. My passion is white metal heated from the flames that ride on your words as you stare at my eyes. Who am I to see? I am blinded by your beauty. I have nothing but blind faith and your hand to lead my way through these crazy backstreets that lead to places called Love, and Happiness Forever After.
 
She sits divulging her time between counting the panes of glass in the ***** window, to naming clouds; she recalls in a day dream the hop skip jump of counting sheep under a blue pearlised sky whilst she laid by your side and the dream turned to light and the nightmare began of where she was chased and she fell and she ran and ran and ran til she was in your arms again. Take a breath now, no more midnight shuttles hold your answers. No more driving to the end of the world to see the beauty of an eclipse that turned out to be a mirage, or something like that. Moth to a flame. That was how I would describe myself now. My insubordination to the logistical temperament that loves within, lives within, sorry resides within my head. It was a short term let, now a foregone conclusion that a permanent resident you have become, naturally. For who am i, if I am not a full sum of all my parts? And in the night when you turn to me, it is I that sleeps soundly dreaming of you. No-one else.
 
I remember the days which we had forgotten about and I smile because in this movie-scene you are holding out your hand for me. God such a fool to be needed, to be wanted, to be succeeded and included and evaluated to come up smelling of roses. And now, all I can see is you, a lifetime of audit of love, and oh my sweet, what a pleasure it is to love you, to just love you. My heart tonight could defend from dragons, and rockets and wolves and, and, and...I, my sweet, never has my heart beat so kindly, so daringly than when it beats for you. Turning over in sheets on a bed we made from our bodies in the night before from the morning after, our eyes have not left the pillows and we pray for the day to never end. For evening comes and we have to bend and break and move from our respective shapes from our loves nest. Put on your hat and your very Sunday best. Come let’s leave this place and make people wonder what we have been doing.
 
I dance in your music, I am enamoured by your passion and your laughter. Your heart beats wildly like a caged butterfly on your chest. No-one to anchor your pride, you float by my side, uplifted by balloons, each one brightly multicoloured filled with an air of a previous flight of fancy. And my, your smile for me, for it is just for me, too many times have I been knocked dead on my feet, you slam the air out of my body with that very look. The whole world falls away and you are just looking right at me. Hold my hand and I shall surely drop down the cracks in the pavement. I hear you, I see you, I feel you, I taste you and in everything I sense you. You are never not far from here, tho I sit in the backstreet bar lightly counting moments, you are coming to me, my love with nothing to your name but the thought of my hand in yours and a candle to light my way.

A rose blossoms yet she knows her petals must fall, and in your hand lays the very reddest of roses

i held your hand, it fit like a glove
we talked about me
we talked about you
we talked about life and you really listened
you looked at me and it was right there in your eyes
you touched my leg at one point, told me to carry on
i had forgotten what i was sayin in the middle of my words
it made my hands shake
i babbled on, i didn't know what to say
you made me feel so right, just right
when you told me of that girl
the one who didn't love you right
it made me smile
we had both been burnt and it was ok
later when you kissed me it felt like you were meant to be there
i didn't expect it
you held my head so delicately
you held my hands by their fingertips and entwined your little finger around my hand
i looked at you in a new way
we stayed up all night
we talked and laughed
we agreed and moved in a way i had never known
there was no rips or tears at the seams
you didn't pull my hair or scream at me
i didn't push too hard
i just fell into being
i looked at you and felt ok
you smiled and i smiled
we got drunk and stayed til the sun came back out again
and in the morning when i had to leave
you held me all the way to the door
we mumbled goodbyes and kissed at the door
i felt young
i felt me
i feel good
i feel ok
you took me away and brought me back again
and never once did i get scared
you, made me smile
and made me want to see you again
you think it was just words
but we were poets in our own book
and we wrote the most wonderful lines
then when i see you again
we will make it so
that it will be ok
and it will be safe
and we will touch fingertips
and it will feel like we never said goodbye
thank you

I will make of you a face. It will turn to me in the night, breathe a sweet sigh of a dream and pose unanswered questions to hang above us in the moonlight. Your lips will be marveled, your lips will sit upon the greatest words ever told, and on your lips i will hang my soul , and on your lips, i will hang my soul. I make of you a bridge for your nose up on which your forehead will sit, it will stand high and heavenly upon your nose, and i can place my toes, grounded, bit by bit. Your nose will ***** downwards towards my whispers and silence my monologue and soliloquy, upon your nose will i bear my vows, and my vision, like a precipice hanging over the sea.

I will make of you a face. It's chin will cup my hand, and it will hold my bones and fingertips, your chin will stroke my face, as it stokes a fire, poker in the wood, drinking fire by the sips. Your cheeks will be broad and tight, and hold my defences and my punches and blows, it will move with the wind, and catch the first light, and catch my tears and absolve my woes. I will make of you your jawline, a structure so bold by any a man, it will proudly stand fierce to gain some ground, battle hardened by the burning grass, and cutting efface and rock hewn, without a ink of a sound.

I will make of you a face. Your temples will be where i worship, my prayers will be my hands, i will send you bidding of heaven and watch as they grin and bear tight across my rough seas and dry lands. Your eyebrows will be a gourd, they will frame and catch the sun, they will shadow the morning, day, noon and night, they will find catcher in the rye, a thief on the run. I will make of you your eyes, my irises are yours my sweet love, I will cut them from marble, coal and the universe, i will chisel them with great care, for these are mine, the glory and the power, the greatness and the worst.

I will make of you a face, my dear love, for if i make for you this great vestige of vision then, my powers  they are yours, as they see me, only me, and they will understand my ever expansion of succinct precision, for in the making of you a face, my greatest work that has ever been, i see your face, as it sees me, and perfection is gained from something wholly, and magnificently unseen.

This is a new angle for me....rather an opposite to those men who treat women like objects
Best reading whilst listening to this....http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N8LZGQ4MkvQ*


I don't think you get, me.
You. Do. Not. Understand. 
I am not like those other girls.
I do not want to lie at your feet. 
I do not want your secrets,
I couldn't give a flying ****
about your absent mother,
or your lost abusive father. 
Your pain does not bother me
in the slightest.
But i know you will **** me like i understand it,
You will **** me with your grief, despondency and pain
You will **** me like you're hitting them with your words.
You **** me like you're ******* the world,
Sticking ******* up at 'them'.
I know this.
I know you.
I know what you're all about.
I smelt it in the air,
caught your scent.
As soon as we met, 
I had you at ten-to-two.
I listened with my big-ole-blues,
and made the right noises,
touched you in the right places,
made you protect me from the ghosts you told me were there
I made you believe.
I gave you one or two whisps of a my story.
To be truthful?
You aren't the man for my heart,
No sonny jim,
my wee man,
You aren't strong enough for my battlefield,
You have no more strength than you think you believe.
Your ****** prowess becomes your gun,
you **** me, BOOM
you think you've won.....
Hands on heart....?
Oh **** me, please....
(And that has two meanings, by the way)
You think i lie here for you?
No i lie here for Me.
I don't want no musclebound man 
who means with his heart what he says.
The easy ***** are far better these days. 
Coming from men like you.
I'm not ready for that ****, 
Love and romance, 
woooaahhhh not one ******* bit.
****** up lil cutie.
I'll make you mine, come here you lil beauty.
(Sorry to slip a rhyme in there, then and now,
makes it more interesting, more, i don't know how)
And **** me sideways til Tuesday,
I'll make you be the King of my World.
Ha.Ha Jack my boy
****. me. Like. You. Mean. It.
Doesn't mean i am a two-bit *****
just know I've found a man i'm looking for,
and i'll stick around til he's spent all his bullets 
And walk out the door.
To a new bar.
Silently as i sit here with a gin and tonic.
Silently laughing.
*******, ironic.
And you thought you had me at hello.....

I would have this girl, she would have a black bmx. We would ride chest to back, my hand prints burning on her shoulders. As she wore her brown raybans, she would call out to the cars nearby, she would howl like the mutt dog, and race after tailpipes. I would love her slender hips as they twisted over the seat and her legs tinted by the sun as she pulled tricks no two-bit dollar ***** had never seen, just to catch some sun. It looked like she was thirsty for the heat, and she was packing it, whooo-whee, she was packing it. And I loved her from her helmet head to her scuffed cons, from where she had put the brakes on, just to turn around and kiss me in the rush hour.

Anything to have you near, girl, I would tie streamers to my wrist to make it look like we were flying as we rode past the world. I would stand back and hold my arms high, wearing my scruff deep headphones, and a tie to clip her heart to. She wore her grandfathers cap, on her days off the ramp. It was too cliché to wear what the others wore, and she soon too became an article of clothing, many tried to copy and clone. We would lie on the grass, chipping beers bottles and picking daisies, that she would string around my wrist, promising to one day buy me a sidecar.

I tied a plastic rose around her handlebars, and left it for her to find in the morning. She woke me up with a kiss and a cracked mug of tea and told me we had some riding to do. I climbed on the back of her, and tied my arms around her charity shop tee, tight. We zipped between traffic and I told her ‘its a lipstick jungle out there’  and placed my nose behind her ear as she sought out new paths for us to sneak down. When the evening drew closer we found each others hands, and kissed parts of the skin that had arrived pink with the sun, and melted every so slightly into each others hips.

And then the wind came, it threw us off the park and past the roads. She left in the morning dressed for different days. She came home caked in mud and I washed her hair in the bath as she lay with her head in my lap. I told her tales of battles on ships, and stories of fighting, surrender and rising again in the new light of day. At nights we sat by candlelight and sipped ***** wearing lilies in our hair. We sat ink to ink, in bed and watched forgotten movies and laughed till we cried from the sham of it all. We understood each other, her pants hung low from the moment she moved to the time she stopped. Her, my girl, the one with hat and the black bmx; She was my street fighter in a pavement world.

I wrote it on the back of my hand one day, I told you that I needed you – you wiped the smile off my face with your thumb, like I had smudged the words right out of my mouth. You taught me invaluable lessons I am sure never to forget, I was schooled by you, in ways I never really understood. I was a child, innocent by the very lapels on which you grew me up. Dragged me up, scuffed my shoes at the front and back. Untied my bra strap with your little finger and told me, listen here, love, I know exactly what I am doing. Made me believe in you, you did. Made me fall for every word. Made me fall for every whisper of love. Tenderly I was hooked by you.

You were the machine of my creation. Your greatest ever work of art. You sculpted my very inner being, tied me to my soul with burnt fingers and made me believe I was worth nothing more than ****. Your purpose was excellent. Completely fooled I was, your succinct underhand ways grievously ruined my sight. No longer could I see reality, living in world prepared for, cooked up and served by you. I lost a lot of blood in those first few years, a lot of good stock died. My passion became my greatest detriment, for should I talk you would take the words from my mouth and mark them in the air; deconstructed with a red pen you would make me realise my mistakes.

Thank you for all you have done. To me. For me. With me. My ear is no longer connected to your mouth. I can breeeeeathe without having to miss a step. All my love that I was proud to possess had been given away, but I was proud to have failed you, I was proud to weep under you, I was proud, to have loved you and not gotten away with it. I take full responsibility for all my tremendous actions, the ones I gave for you, laid down in honour for you, to wipe your pretty little feet all over the back of my head. I turned around to face you and slapped that face right off your mouth

Loved I was by you. Needed I was by you, to be, you. I wrote *******, on my ******* fingers and shoved them up your ****. Now you talk my language, now you wait for me to see you. Now you know I am no longer your dishrag, your teatowel or your muse. Got it back I did, got back my heat, my fury, and glory. Action packed with honour and fire, loving and loved. I learnt from you lessons which I shall never forget, I was schooled by you. Wanted to thank you, for I am no longer afraid, my sweet ******, of you and your heart. This is a glorious world, one which you will never feel.

I wanted to love you forever
I wanted to think you were gorgeous for the rest of my life
I would grease my hand with ******
For it to explode at your very touch
So you would know how privileged I was to be with you
I would sit still for you forever
If it meant you would only look at me
.......for the rest of your life.
I wanted to give you my patience
And learn how to cook with you,
I would let you do my washing up,
And start fires in the bedroom.
I would learn how to be happy
And to not to take you for granted
I would learn to stop, and just be, me.
I wanted to take you to places you had never been
And that isn’t a metaphor
I wanted to write these poems for you
Because it would show you how much I loved you
Yet it was more than love, and whatever that is.
I wanted to show you off to the world
Be proud of you for the rest of my days
I wanted to make you better than you ever thought you could ever be
Make you believe you were worth it,
Worth the wait
Worth me.
I wanted to wake up for a thousand mornings and bring you tea
I wanted to wake up every morning for the rest of my life
And watch you sleep
And think ‘I could never love anyone as much as love you right now’
And find it all hard to breathe,
Even if you had snored all night long.
I wanted to get in a car with you and drive without a map
Get lost, take wrong directions and laugh about it later,
Drive around a roundabout 3 times because it was ‘our’ thing
I wanted to make a lot of things with you.
I wanted to split open my chest and show you
How very much my heart beat just for you
How this very muscle that keeps me alive
Is in love with you
And you are my life-long support machine.
I wanted to kiss the end of your nose every evening
And tell you, ‘you are the most beautiful thing,
In the entirety of the universe’
I wanted to tell you that your very essence,
Your very ****** soul and your being
Is my entire reason for living
My entire reason for waiting for you,
For my entire lifetime and its worth.
I want to make moments and minutes
And pictures and laughter
I wanted midnight walks down empty beaches
I wanted forever and ever
I wanted happily ever after.
I wanted a lifetime of lifetimes.
I wanted always and always.
Til the end of time.
But you ****** it up.
Really
If I’m honest....

i can't talk too loud
i think my whispers are stolen too often
by those who have no clear thoughts of their own
i'm not paranoid
just used to it, these things they came true
long ago.
Thoughts swirling around and above my head
i look up only to see nothing but words
i can't reach them
there's too many
the air is a maze
and its too loud for me to get through.
Everywhere is the slightest bit of air you pushed out
i thought i could catch it
i thought i could breathe it
i was wrong
i was naieve in my ideas
about you.
Never thought something like this could hold me
wrap me up in tight bonds of love
hold my hands by the ceiling
my body left to be devoured by you and your hands
and i am consumed by a spark
glowing in the dark
a thousand miles away.
You sit me down and i am on fire
i am not able to see my self again by the light
the morning light
the night, the night
and i break inside, down
and its closer than i have ever broken before
and we sit here stillness
in the silence
and **** green lollipops.

Love.
I am desert sand. I was lost in the sun. Blinded
Black. Hearted. Ice. Cold. Veins.
Rebel ruined.
Not one single drop of water was spared.
Desert sand. Strained through your fingers, looking for diamonds.
In the heat of the sun. Starched white to the bone.
Devastated by my very nature.
Lost in allegiance to my morality.
Look at you, look at you....me oh my.
My love, has no eye, for a single derision, of indecision, of loss or fate or something along those lines,
behind the broken front gate, and the new pane of glass in the bedroom window.
Did you really mean to make me cry.
I was too loved, for you to get by?
Not 50 per-cent, of a hundred of where i needed to be.
Sitting on your knee.

Love.
I am parched.
Sand grits between your teeth, as you swallowed the ocean within me.
Countless times i wandered around, these dunes.
My darling, darling, i lost you when i loved you.
Where did you go?
Are you hiding from me, hiding from my knee, from my coddling, and, you're not listening to me.
For, i talk too much.
Too long I have sat in silence over you.
For you hold me in your arms but you hate with your eyes, and i am lost in the ****** sand; you dried me out, you make scream for you, in the rain, and i lost sight of you, but i never forgot, how you felt, when i laid in your arms.
Did you really mean to do that?
Reborn in your grief.
You spat me out between your teeth.
From a mouth which made me think heaven, existed on earth, in someone like you.
Eyes of blue.
Scorched with hate.

Love.
You found me.
Trickled water in to my lips and made me believe it was from the gods.
Cold. Hearted. Girl.
Illusionless. Defeated.
I Fell For You.
An oasis, you, appeared to me.
Heat burnt from the inside out, sustainable combustion, which left through my mouth, and made you a man of worth, bespoke with grace, that you never had, but i endowed you with my broken self.
If only to believe i would never, leave.
Ask me, why i love you.
and i will tell you, i have to run.
Running from the sun.
From the fall-out of the world from my chest, on to the floor.
Flying out the front door.
As i drown in sand,
and you let go of my hand,
and my face, becomes a mirage of a hue.
Death, in me, becomes you.

You Learn

After a while you learn the subtle difference
Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,


And you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning
And company doesn’t mean security.


And you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts
And presents aren’t promises,


And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes open

With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child,

And you learn to build all your roads on today

Because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans
And futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.


After a while you learn…
That even sunshine burns if you get too much.


So you plant your garden and decorate your own soul,
Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.

And you learn that you really can endure…
That you really are strong
And you really do have worth…
And you learn and learn…
With every good-bye you learn.

Jorge Luis Borges

I have left a handful of bullets from you,
I have held them dear to my heart,
i treasured them,
as a seashell treasures sand.
I held them in my fingers,
whilst i moved beneath my shadow,
and sharpened my mouth on cut glass mouths,
pretty from dark ***, on a night for scotch,
and let fine tobacco smoke me out from the inside,
whilst hands tried to write their stories on my skin.

I have broken many mirrors of my face,
I broke each, one, of them.
I smashed each piece of silver for each piece,
it couldn't give me in return.
For even a window would have given a prettier view,
i held many a head in my hands looking for some recognition,
many a glazed eye of which i could reflect from,
and paid the blind to paint what they could see,
pulled many hearts apart to see what it, could,
possibly look like to be, me.

I have dreams of what gun you would choose,
if you would bring one,
to this dog fight, of this bed in my room,
where you get to see the tobacco-skinned rags, of me.
For my bullets are only good when they scar the skin,
and something is left behind, to stare at,
for those who want to trace poetry from my heart,
and use their fingertips to paint over bruises,
don't forget to bring the blind with their brushes,
and the silvers of glass to make sure,
i feel myself,
reflecting here,
once you leave.

Funny feeling this. Sense of loss. Who could’ve thought it would have ended like this. Because I never cared or gave a second thought. I filled my life with a roundabout of drama, it took my mind off this. Of what I should have done or be doing. The guilt crept in and I melted it away with money and pride. Who am I, when it all burns out, who am I? We fill ourselves up with what we think we should do, be or what they think. What does it all mean in the end? What was the purpose of that kiss, that word, that heartfelt moment? That hug that meant so much, the way my head was turned, the way you woke me at 4 in the morning to laugh about something random. It was something, that was nothing. I’ve been down this road before.

I spent the night lying on your kitchen floor, because I had never known words like yours before. I could not lie next to you knowing this was what you felt. I could not have made it better with the cards I was dealt. I am sorry for knowing how to be. I thought being myself was enough to be free. Tho I cried and weeped into your linoleum, I whispered words in to your fridge door. I thought I had been heard every time the lights came on. But you never checked on me. You walked straight past the door. I thought I was your forever more. I lost track of time. I lost the touch of your skin upon mine. Your lips, my god, they were lost. I cannot remember your face the last time you smiled. I am sorry. To feel this way.

Such a sense of loss. I cried over you. At what it had cost. Us. And yet in all grand schemes, what does it matter; what did it mean? I can’t help it if you made me feel good. What with the Jacobs Creek wasn’t it was meant to be? Funny feeling this. Sense of loss. Sense of bliss. Being able to smile when I want to die. Without you. I wonder if you think of me. If you remember me in the quiet times. And I like to think you do. And I smile a half smile because I am half paralysed by you. Maybe I have sinned, maybe I was wrong. Maybe this is not real, but something to make you think I have wrote a real song. Because I felt bad, I regretted my woes and still you, yes you, made it worse than what I already had.

Funny feeling this, this sense of loss. Nothing can quite erase the pain. And I have nothing to take you away. No painkiller, no chardonnay, no woman, can make you quite. Go. Away. Go. Away. No more making thoughts in my head. Seeing you reminds me of being dead. Of living without breath. Of being the **** in the situation in my own head. No nothing whilst you go on, go on, with yourself, living your majestic life, can make this situation any better. Baby steps eh? Sorry I must repeat, sorry; I always am, I can be no less. Loss, a familiar thing you would think. Eh? God this is so confusing, when will you stop being what I don’t want you to be?

What if I told you,

I give you everything, you ever wanted,

But you had to give up everything, you ever had?

Would death, seem therefore so sweet?

I think sometimes you are not there,
not where i need you to be.
Oh you,
you that i love without judgement or logical thinking,
you that i love with judgement and logical thinking.
You that i love,
with the face that you have between the night and the stars,
between the day and the sun,
my activism between the sheets and the words i write,
is blind and unforgiving.
Maybe i am going about this all wrong,
maybe there is something in the nothing of you,
in the everything of you between me the air and the oxygen and the exhale.
I breathe, something of you,
even though i think you are not there.
Within me you are, without me you are not,
My love,
my blood, inside races with a beat so strong not even a runaway train,
would survive the car crash of our mangled hearts.
Oh you,
I would like you to find me, in your thoughts,
in your air,
in your nothingness, without me,
not being there.
Are you there?

She had a lost smile
there was something somewhere
a someone who knew where it had gone
but yeah she moved as if she didn't care
i knew different i knew her face
had fallen from grace
her mouth turned a different way
to the sound of the tide turning

I searched high and low
around corners of her past
i moved boxes of heartache
and they retracted back into place as i turned
around
i fell over my feet, tripped sideways
i caught my heart on my way down

They say a lesson is learnt
when there is nothing taught
her face floated away like a butterfly
caught in a hurricaine
i thought her smile was there somewhere
but it just couldn't be found
i wonder where it hides now

Sometimes I find love,
where love is not wanting to be found -
How beautiful it is to find treasure in you,
Where you find only dirt.

Exquisite sadness.
A tragedy that only my heart knows how to break for,
Over and over
A swell of boom or bust.

Where X marks the spot,
But x means stop,
Means unknown
Means incorrect
Means keep out.

I wonder if anyone will find the love in me,
If I stop giving out free maps.
"The stars live here"

Maybe if I just wrote "home"
Underneath my skin
I would be more easy to find
When you touch me,
Before you leave.

I am not some street cowboy punk
i am a quiet sweet rampant drunk
i play the spoons with the air of a saint
i have a tongue that can swallow paint
sour and acrid, the tone of my voice
i have never left without a choice
punched back sideways
even more today than tomorrow
for your heart i will bed, steal or borrow
Superman don't have ***** on me
don't need no wings now i am free
saving the restless, curing the weak
you can laugh at me when i dance like a freak.
I will kiss you when i drink too much wine
when i am restless and hungry you will be mine
I will do nothing when you are nothing to me
i will drive you crazy with all you can be
no more talkin no more of that ****
i'll hold you apart, break you bit by bit
if you're too polite i'll bite my tongue
i'll whip you and shake you, then i'm done.
carefree to be careless, shareless boy talk
tell me to go and i will surely walk
don't ask me to be kissed or hold my hand
i am not that girl that you left unplanned
i am a midnight demon on ferocious terms
i grasp you and hold you tight and firm.
I am not lost, or fragile or broken bound
i am not looking for someone to make a sound
i am no paige boy scarlet harlot wild child thing
i am not yours, can't you hear your telephone ring?
I am a sordid freak of gigantic endeavours
i will solder your heart regardless of your tremors
i am torturous and painful and weak to the bone
i am the mightiest fallen, can you not see my throne?
i have a **** me, buck me, tie-me-tight gaze
if i look at you slowly, be patient but don't wait
i want everything and all and i want it now
i am no gleaming bronze statue know-all-know-how
i am surely what you ever thought you knew
i am surely what you never thought when i met you
i am free to please anyone at night
i am free to sit and cry by candlelight
alright now, oh baby its all right now
**** me gently and i'll show you how
to be nothing more than anything is something i suppose
but i really can't tell for the state of your clothes
you dress me up slightly more than your vision
i've never met a person with such succint precision
and well here i go, superbly astute and blunt
never did i see such a spectacular *** ****
and well that is really the way that i go
i fly here, there, everywhere i flow
i am not some pretty naieve little thing
i am a mess of entirety with 2 engagement rings
i'm living with despondence and its ******* me off
******* batman i hear you cough
come see me, come stay a while
come see me, come see me, and i will ******* in style

Reminds me of time before i was even began. Before i even had to understand, before i knew what i had to lose to love again. Before the times i had to learn a lesson, before the games. When i was new and shiny and not rather cool. When i wore my hair down, and couldn't care less about people like you. When i never knew what beauty was or thought about when i would kiss you next. Before i would waste all my heart on a girl who i would sit up all night and txt. Before the days i would take off work to mend a broken heart. Before i met that girl would dance with me in the dark. When i knew to be lost was never a good thing, where i broke my heart but wore her ring. When the irony was lost and i was drowning and suffocating in the pressure of it all.

I would look for every crack, for every little fissure of light. I wouldn't look for the good and bad, or expect the moon, the world or the sun. I never told all those girls 'you're the one'. Looking back now with a smile on my face, and a sadness in my heart. I think of how i really played my part. Which role was i to stumble upon, what would be 'our' song? Reminds me of a time when i never really listened to begin with. I was never really fully understood. I would talk forever and a day and you would never really understand. Remember those girls who were to cool to hold my hand. Or the one i used to watch whilst she slept, or the one who used to weep in her sleep; the one who swore her love, the one who wanted me but had to let go, and the one who just went and stole the whole ****** show. Remember, remember the one i talked to for over a year? Well she was just a daydream, it was to appear.

I was oh so pretty, and so very amazing and nice. So ****** perfect but just a little too good at being me. Memories. Reminds me of a time before. We talked the whole night through. I made more effort than you ever knew. Tried so hard. Gave up twice before. Once i just straight walked away through the front door. Reminds me of a time when i finished her sentences and she finished mine. Thought she was my soulmate and we were forever entwined. Of a time when i laughed just because it was funny and i cried because it was sad. And how time changes and how it seems like the end of the world. Each time i fell, i thought she was my world. All throughout forever. Reminds me of a time before. When i was younger, more naieve, willing and so sure. How i became trapped and guilty, shunned and broken. How i rose like a phoenix. Winds of change; at my best i was deranged. I was to pity the fool i became with each time, i would sit here and write a new rhyme.

Reminds me of a time before i even began, to become who i am today.

Sometimes, i think,
'if i died, how long would it take for someone to miss me?'
And that's a true thought.
It lays heavy on my soul.
Because life is heavy.
It is suffocating,
Like someone is sitting on my chest,
not an elephant, that's silly,
No,
an actual human being,
one that i love,
but is content
with watching me die,
and probably being busy with, "something",
whilst i struggle to live.
So,
Let's talk about that heaviness,
how it creeps in,
sometimes you don't know it has a pulse,
that it's something actually living,
a parasite that you grow to love,
stockholm syndrome.

Oh man,
people,
are,
heavy.
They think their weight on a scale
bares their true worth,
not knowing that their
wearied shoulders carry the burden of truth.
The heaviness that you bring with you,
through life,
that you carry with you like a dead body,
dragging by the ankle,
behind you,
for who you think you should have been,
and a boulder you push in front of you,
with your other hand,
for everything you're trying to be,
whilst struggling, choking for air,
whilst dragging your legs through invisible tar,
whilst trying to keep your eyes from drowning in sand,
and all the while your heart
covered in lead,
your **** beautiful, ****** heart,
keeps beating.
Oh, man,
The anxiety of living through this,
the beautiful exquisite torture,
the utter privilege,
of living a heavy life.

Oh man,
how,
heavy,
people,
are,
and how they do not know how to stop
looking,
at the numbers,
on the scale.

I am not ashamed to love you
As i sit here and cry
I am not ashamed to have love-d you.
No I am not ashamed to cry for you.
I am not ashamed to love you.
With every fibre of my being.
With every sin, with every moral
with every, ****** hair on my head.
I am not afraid to love you.
I am more afraid of not loving you, than loving you.
I am afraid of you loving me.
I am more afraid of you loving me more than i have even been afraid in my life.
Because than that makes love real.
I lost my love a long time way back when.
It's not important.
There's details in the details.
But my faith in loving you will not wane, falter, stop or die.
I am not ashamed to cry waterfalls of salty tears into my hands for you.
I am not ashamed of messaging you 3am in the morning to see how you are.
and getting no reply.
I am not ashamed to know that my attempts to love you are futile.
Yes, you.
You who would want to punch me in the face, the throat, the clavicles of my heart
to stop me, from loving, you.
I am not ashamed to love you like you were my only love.
I will sing for you in the car my love, i will hold your hand, i will bake you muffins,
My love.
And you would want to **** my very smile with your eyes.
I am not ashamed to lie on my bathroom floor with arms in my chest, with pain in my stomach, and my eyes blind,
from loving, you.
I am not.
I am not.
I am not.
I am not ashamed to be the laughing stock of my friends, family and lovers past;
for loving losers like you,
for loving someone like you,
for loving someone who didn't deserve me,
treated me like ****,
beat me,
use me, washed me up and dried me out, hung me out.
No i am not ashamed.
I am not ashamed to cry these tears because i lost you.
I am not ashamed to cry these tears because i am not in your arms.
For my heart beats strong.
For all these years,
through all these lovers,
through all these partners,
through all these ******, *******, tears.
For i love you more, each day.
For in this world where there is more hatred, pain, sorrow, suffering and loss
I would rather be ashamed for loving you,
than hating you for loving you once.

'We can only truly hate something we once also loved'
Logic eh? What else makes sense in this world?

I am not not selling my soul to the devil tonight,
not for a 10 bob shilling note or a ***** hoody with your deep scent of pain lined within its seams.
I am not selling my nature,
for my nature has roots as big as the old oak tree that grows in the deepest forest and shelters those that seek.
I am not forgetting my place,
it's right here, next to you, by your side;
it's right here, in front of my son, holding his world in my arms, and his love in my heart;
it's right here, projecting from my heart, arms that encompass the world.
I am not drilling for oil,
I seek no riches from ill gotten gain,.
I am not your past journey,
I walked my own road to get here, i laid those bricks down piece by piece.
I am not who is knocking at your door,
for i am not the fear your heart dreads at that sound of that knock.
I am not here for you to sum up,
I am not a number, an equation or problem you have to solve.
I am not my emotions,
as they are an extension of me as my words are my mouth, and my actions from my hands.
I am not a box of wonder,
I am a clearly written masterpiece of wonder and intrigue, and i love the very soul of me.
I am not your head,
my arms lay weary at my side for the troubles you carry within your mind are too heavy for me to hold.
I am not a carnival horse,
that swings around and around, for applause, for the fame and the glory.
I am not a catch,
a fish, a lock to a door, a bubble to burst.
I am not a master, a magician, a hooligan or a carpet burn *****
I am here, open, here, honest, here, just here.
I am not,
I am not,
I am not, you.

lost and wandering with out a story

a midnight lampshade stretched out over glory

not tricks or tracks up my sleeve

no more wanting, no more to grieve

a silent not darkness has swallowed my skin

sallowed and sickly the light moves within

and deep in the counscious lying there

is my soul flying naked and bare

never wrote more truer story of romance and sin

and it got thrown out with the cat food in the bin

and now it is different the air smells alive

i can feel her beneath me making me drive

and there are no words, tho i use far to many

for every time i screamed **** i found a new penny

and she was there all along just under my pen

i'd already written about her in everything back then

and oh what is love, i hear the bells cry

it was not those girls who chose you to die

for their misfortunes and weakness and what the **** evers

i am neat, petite, i keep it together

i kept myself for her tho i never knew her before

she was number 3 behind the door

i knew before she was there, she was my wife

i knew that she was an end to my lesbian strife

too many women to **** me around to many times

too many the focus of my love rhymes

what for? whatever...what the ****...?!!

sssshhh...i even tried to write one a book!!

oh i can laugh now, oh i can laugh at myself

who was i back then, what was with the red pen?

and now she is my eyes, my heat, my kiss

every moment is a feelin of bliss

she's everything i searched for without knowing

and every night in the wind its blowing

her name, the air is breathless when she is here

and yes i have cried a salty tear

for all the thousand pieces of my heart i have given out

she is worth a million more, with no doubt

and i am sad for those who cannot feel like i do

i am sorry for telling all those girls 'i love you'

because it was not real, i'm sorry it was something else

maybe something that carried some sort of wealth

they were not even close to how my garden grows

how could i be so blind to what was right under my nose?

oh my sweet sweet girl, oh my sweetest love

there is nothing else i can give you but all of this

and my arms have fallen inside out for you....

I remember when we used to sit on the swings, we would laugh and play with the sky. I watched your legs as they flew through the air wanting to touch the unknown, eager to feel freedom from the ground. I remember when we would lie on the grass and feel diamonds in our backs. We never moved and we wore sunglasses because the sun exploded as we turned our heads to talk. I remembered how much I love you, I remembered how I would look at you from the corner of my eye so you wouldn’t see, and wince at your beauty. I remember you being beautiful.

There were many memories to keep and lots to discard. Everyone feels this way, everyone feels lost at what to do. It’s ok, you know, to feel, this, way.  I imagine you thinking of this, as I do of you. There is some old time 50’s tunage seeping through the background to this picture, it spurs me to get to my feet and dance with you. Your hand in mine, feels like I am touching a firework; like there should be a warning label attached to your ***. Whoa girl, do you know what you just did? I am the coyote, you are the roadrunner. You are the music, I am the encore. You are, you are, the be all and end all. You are the night-time that the day awaits. You are the star in my shine.

You make me feel like this is possible, even to write these words makes  my mind blow like a dandelion in a august hurricane. I never knew rumours would grow into whispers. I never knew my heart would ache like you had hit me with a truck, full frontal, BAM. I never knew your lies. I wished I had listened. I wished I had taken the time to not know better. I wished you had taken the time to know me before the cigarettes and the alcohol and the late nights where I wished you would dance with me instead of watching, waiting and seeing. I got lost somewhere, your words lost their meaning.

I wish you a beautiful happy ending, forever ever after

The only thought that is keeping me going;
Is the vision of your fingers,
Putting pen to paper,
Tapping words in to the keyboard,
Dreaming of my scent,
Visualising my kisses,
Tasting my liquid passion
Hearing me call for more,
Feeling me in your grasp,
Eating me with your delicate words,
Guiding my way with your body,
Taking me to places I've never been,
Giving me your tongue to speak a new language,
Whispering sweet nothings to me,
Lying next to me sleeping effortlessly,
Writing a letter of you,
Ink stains on your fingers,
Cooking dinner in your kitchen,
Holding hands in the park,
The touch of your eyes to mine.
Keeping me going, you are the coals to my fire.

I'm not a pretty girl,
But I don't expect you to notice that.
You see you easily turn left,
When I turn right, at the last second.
I have issues with my odometer,
And there are cracks in my peripheral vision.
There are burn marks between my thighs,
And my veins are pockmarked,
From the deprecation of free running love.
And when I play the piano,
When I can't,
I expect you to be near,
Placing a hand on my high held shoulders,
Decompressing the weight of a thousand clouded blue skies,
And imprinting a lifetime of security into my collarbone.
You see I have razors in my oesophagus,
Words spit out like dying blood,
And I feel like I'm dying from the inside out,
And, and, who can carry this load?
There is nothing but a mile in me,
To carry this, these feelings,
Because sometimes my legs don't work, and,
The 'Trying' is hard.
And my pelvis is tilted from the burdens I bear,
Nothing fills the void.
You see, where my heart is,
Is a storm, a tsunami contained
In a tri-vector of trust, fear and hope,
And it cuts my hair short,
It makes my tongue poisonous
And my eyes innocent.
You see I'm not that pretty,
But I don't expect you to understand that,
When you don't understand the times that I am.

You see my eyes hold a thousand memories of love,
And within these thighs burns passion;
My shoulders carry the weight of those that I have saved,
My oesophagus has eaten a thousands words of pain,
And my tongue has survived the most toxic kiss.
My hair is short because I wanted to lose the weight of,
Who it was they wanted me to be,
My legs, my ****** legs carry it all,
They just, keep, going, going, going, gone.
My heart, the tsunami, is entirely made of passionate storms,
That will consume you with love,
If you let it.
My pelvis rocks slowly in candlelight to carefully rock,
To sleep, the burdens i bear,
To music only a piano can make,
And through my veins courses courage, determination and strength......

You see I'm not pretty,
Because you don't see,
How astoundingly beautiful, I am.

Maybe one day,

We will be we,

Instead of:

You.

and.

Me.

My beautiful hands,

have so much to say.

They can open the night,

And caress the day.

They can rip you at the seams,

they can gently hold your dreams.

Maybe one day,

We will be we,

Instead of my hand

and your hand,

letting us be.

I felt it, i had it, 16 times down the road, i had it. cut like ***** clean on ice down the back of my throat. Tickled my tongue with wishes of lust. 34 days crashed into 3 and half hours of manic words, thrown out in to the air accompanying articles of clothing i wished we'd never worn. I cut it open early, i could smell the beauty of the fight that was to come. I would not protest, because 'thou does protest too much' you would say as you clamped my hands behind my head and threw me down like a linebacker making his 100th play with the cheerleader watching from the sidelines. I threw pictures at you, ones i had taken when you weren't looking, ones that you wished juliette lewis had been in the background, sashaying some old country moves. I found eyelashes in places i had never felt before, counted a thousand wishes off the palm of your hand.

Zipped me right back up like some old vintage boots, turned me around six times and downed your beer and told you to try it just once, and i would kick your ***, bruce lee style circa 1982. I lost my lines, found them under your footprints, lost my voice and found it imprinted underneath the lipstick you left on my inner thigh. Breathless i watch you walk towards me, like a mirage, like you were swimming underwater, fully clothed. And whoooo-weeee HOLY cow, i gave you one more over-the-shoulder-knock-me-out-backwards-she-was-the-rumour-i-tol­d-ya-about stare, made you wonder eh? Made you think i was something else eh? Never think i am anything more than what you think i am. I wore those boots, i frikkin owned those boots, and **** i looked GOOD.

This is a moment. How great is this? I am not waiting around for it, for you, because waiting means i have lost time. I would rather dream of you, idolise our future, walk around like i owned the place, hold my head high and make nuclear footprints down weary roads. Every day, is like this to me, i am not perception, i am not thought, or theory or idea or time....i am no-ones government.I bent high and low, warped and wrapped my face around forces i could not understand, stretched my arms wide open around the world and its sons-of-a-*******, and it still didn't fit, so threw the ****** off.  My heart is tattooed on my arm, slightly above my scar from that second-time-round-relationship that got me nowhere, but i cut it out, that's me, that's how my love rolls; thats why my love rocks; bad *** high roller, floating, fighting-til-it-dies, beautiful awesome heart.

So i packed up with my cigarettes and my phone in my back pocket, met you at the car with a bottle of JD and two limes. I thought you looked too good, your hair like that, and your half smile. I wanted to make you a movie star of local proportions, so that the credits would hold your name and mine together in lights, and local boys would be too scared to ask your name. I made you a cd, sat with my camera and took pictures of the places you said you hated, watched as your collarbone played hide and seek with your hair, your mouth moved to songs you didn't know. 16 times i turned, 16 times you got me, i had you at that. So i took off my socks and shoes and got ready for the drive of our lives, because the needle was better than the reality.