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This is the moment.
A tambourine plays the last 4 beats as a kind of finale.
Ghostly applause.
The slamming of the wooden doors.
And the background music never played so well as she ran out in to the night.
Devolving, revolving back to when the crescendo was building pace.
Never did I see such a smile on a face.
Am I no longer an extension of the day?
Grieving skin, chattering teeth and my eyes will lie to you.
Four walls, kindly take a bow for me.
Two names that no longer sit side by side.
I broke through all those Sunday shoes
Scuffed the edges.
Made my pledges to blank vacant faces.
Lost passion, pride is futile.
Dancing around trees in the sunshine with the breeze in our hair.
Running for the waves
Big tears we do cry.
For we are big girls now.
For we are all grown-ups now.
I took those ten years
and threw them in the bin
being distracted like before
i let you win
but as i picked up old photographs
and all those i love yous
i realised it was a power you took
and used it to abuse
i took those feelings a
and let them all go
so that when you come crawling back
you'll have nowhere to go
I breathe you.
You are but 26 letters
put in to a description and explanation,
a full stop. And a question mark?
26 letters,
made into something revolving around words;
A white page in a black bound book,
Is ready for you.
It's panting and heaving, for you,
the pen is lit, it's flame is dark,
the extraction of a sentence,
and the binding begins to sigh.
These pages flicker through my hand,  
as the white becomes a blur
of black letters of you;
every full stop causes the corners
to heave and quiver in anticipation
of being turned and began,
You, I breathe You,
I'm the ink between my fingers,
on the pure white leaf
in my hands
and I create a book of YOU,
that has become alive in my mouth,
through silent words uttered
as I write,  
these 26 letters of moulded ink into love.
I breathe life,
In these pages of You.
I felt you kiss the back of my neck,
there was nothing there,
just a lack of respect.
And somewhere in your illicit, dulcet tone,
I found the sweetest sympathy of home,
and i found myself walkling back to you.
I heard your voice,
I felt my pain,
I whisphered, a thousand times the same,
Thoughts drifting through my head..
Is this really us?
Are we not dead?
And still i reply with a smile on my face
that nothing you can do will erase,
and with my sweetest tipped monotone
i wipe my hands and make for home.
And how i wish, this was not me or you,
it wasn't something you'd do,
that i could just be there and never far,
never following that elusive star.
And a thousand times i scream your name,
but this is not me
i am not the same,
Every breath i give, heavy and lost,
I gave up your kiss
and felt the cost.
And my head is weary, my hands are tired
my thoughts drift
exacting and wired.
I expected less-little, no more...
and still your breath upon my neck,
I drop my head and close my eyes
forgive myself and all those i despise
Me, us, them and you
there is nothing to prove,
nothing to do, no running away
let me learn to walk before i learn to stay.
And with each brusied moment, each repetitive tone
i take my words to worship at home
as i have no disfigurement, no-one can see this loss
but i wish there was something
but there are no what if's, what now or buts,
there are no scars, there are no cuts,
there is no wonderment or lust
I just wanted to take you here, take you there
hold your hand
feel the weight of your stare
I swallow my breath, i sing your name
i dance in circles around you
and still i'm the same
and how can i end this?
what is appropriate at this time?
I tell the truth, i swallow my rhyme
and on bended knee, dirtied and torn
i forge through the night
close my eyes
and dream of you, and being reborn
I was there when she turned her back
shook her head and blew her breath at me.
i was there when she talked to me
when she was so ****** wasted,
she wanted me.
I was there when she smiled and laughed,
when she cried, shouted and groaned,
I was there thru the tea being made,
thru the potatoes being peeled
and the tattoos we thought we'd get,
as a symbol of love.
I was there when she came to me in the dark night
I was there when she thought i was nothing,
when she played her guitar
and played the one song i loved
over, and over, and over.
I was there when she held my hand
in the silence i was there
I was there at the bottom of the garden
behind the tree, by the pond
waiting for her.
I was there.
I was there when she asked to meet me 2 hours away,
when she laid next to me naked
and i never made a move because she didn't move me that way
I was there when she asked me to dance
yet she couldn't at all.
I was there when she wore my hat
played a song of a thousand clowns
where she wore a multiple of colours
and the girl never left my side.
I was there when the dad left,
when the baby cried
when the mother ******* and the eyeliner bled.
I was always there
never not
when the time was too hard, too long, too weak.
I felt long and hard
and it was still there
every single time i felt it.
I was there
never not
just be she said, just be
let it lie,
but i was always awake
My words are beyond all reproach

I wear my heart like a ****** brooch

Sinking in the flesh tearing at my skin

Writhing my brain, my demons within

I cut my hair and ink my arm

And all to keep this girl from harm

I want to sink, I want to curse

I want to steal some of her verse

She speaks in moments

Her words have found my heart

And in her move she made her mark

I want to tear it apart and scream from my voice

I want to tell you I had no choice

But alas, alack I have no shame

I heard her scream and I shouted her name

She looked at me with her eyes in her head

And then I knew her hands were dead

It was not me she had found

I had run aground

Again, again, again I yell

No wants to know the stories I tell

I met her again and I met her again

I watched her write my story with a black pen

And she looks like I would melt within her gaze

But its not her mouth that I crave

And how was this possible this thing that I knew

Because I had found it out with all I am due

I wrenched out my insides dragged with tears

And in the night I told her my fears

She pulled at my face, bit my arm

Told me that, "baby you'll come to no harm"

I didn't want that *******, that fake ****** joke

Coz she told me forever when I taught her to smoke

She gave me a pulse something to lean upon

And even tho she's here there's something very wrong

Again, again, I followed her words

She tore me down in her hypnotic verse

I thought I was better, I thought I wrote her out

But when she came, I felt my eyes shout

You are not me, you don't know this sound

I was not there I was run aground

I thought she was there in the night in my bed

But no she was not she was a dream in my head

When she finally touched my skin it burned

It forgot all of the *** that I'd yearned

Forgot all that had held me and all that was true

Forgot that I had left everything in you

Scream for me baby, roll your eyes back in your head

And I'll make you forgot that your heart is dead

I'm pulling out now, I'm rippin at the seams

I'm tryin to be someone else in my dreams

I cut my hair, I don't bite my nails

Inside out donkeys tails

Who is this *****, who have I become

I am not me, I am technically numb

I was lost when she found me standing there

I was lost when she found me naked, unaware

I don't want non of this ******* drama no more

I lost a something when I walked thru my door

I want to bite something hard and feel it bleed

i want to hurt, to lose, to learn how to grieve

power beyond power, her beauty caught me up

nothing more than a storm in a teacup

and yes i am rambling, vehemtly blasting away

my words feel like sores covered in clay

i am lost, i am lost, i am running free from myself

i need to find some beauty in her wealth

i don't want this, or you to tell me no more

because I WAS THERE washed up on the shore

so i paint my skin with ink from a pen

and then when i'm lost, i'll be found again

just walk away no, you are no longer here

i don't need your hand to take away my fear

so ******* all, i'm a gender dysfucksional *****

bend me over forwards and i'll give you what for

my heart, for ***** sake is nothing beyond a line

give me a story, give me the time

i cannot finish you without being breathless

i cannot finish you with out too much stress

so come see me and sit with me

come and tell me who i can be

play me your guitar, sing me a song

maybe one day you'll be right and i'll be wrong

then when i see you next week come to my place

and i'll tell you how beautiful you taste

my words are lost and beyond all reproach

and i'll ***** your skin with my hard-hearted ****** brooch
This is my power.
These are my words.
It is not a tattoo, or a life story, it is not a cage of rattling birds.
This is my meaning and my light to which invoke.
I want to sit here and i want to sit and smoke.
I want to tell you i love you and have no reprise.
I do not want to listen.
Hypocrisy? Welcome to my demise.
I felt you.
I, felt, You.
Before I even met you.
I had dreamed of you since the 90's
and never known it;
Through episodes of byker grove and Dawson's Creek,
I longed to be the rebel in the story,
and we would ******* into the sunset.

I felt you
In every GCSE and A-level result;
Elation and deflation of achievement,
which led to me to feel the same
in kissing one boy, whilst dating another,
like I was tasting ying-yang in my mouth
pretending it was double dip; sweet and sour,
and realising I never much liked sweets anyway.

I felt, you,
From the take-off at MCR
through the greyhound at NYC central station,
to the VIA rail stop at SBURY.
I felt you in the air of the smoking car,
in the hard ******* in the train toilets,
to falling in love with a twist I was never meant to curl.
And 10yrs later I can still tell you what that tasted like.

I felt you.
In every dance move I learnt to attract a beneficial gaze.
In each time my lover ****** me and left me.
When I was lost in textbooks
and I fell in love with the wrong type of girl;
And as she drowned me in champagne, and I ****** her with my eyes,
I felt, I was a fool for, you.

I felt you,
Each time the make-up *** started,
to when the bruises began to heal;
To when I walked away and became the hunter,
with my tequila shot eyes casting a weary bedroom glaze.
I felt you as I licked each shot glass clean through,
and put on my moves, snorted a line of gunpowder,
and ****** to the beat of the dance.

I felt you,
In every ***** I kissed,
Knelt on my knees, watching the time,
as ***, sweat and spit filled my mouth and nose,
and I thought thank god for that, when it was over,
and I got to light a cigarette,.
I felt you,
As she whispered, panting and hoarse,
'no-one's ever ****** me that good'

I felt you.
As I brought the girl home for the first time,
and she threw red wine round the flat
and ****** me like it was my birthday on the 4th of July whilst celebrating Holi.
She ******* made me that night.
She was ******, and she still tasted like water after getting lost in the desert.
In the red wine we drank, I felt you,
from the seed, to the sun, to the water, to the grape,
as you fell dripping down my throat.

I. Felt. You.
The first time a man undressed
in front of me and I blushed,
whilst running my tongue across my teeth, tasting lust and my heartbeat.
I felt you in each ******, each stare that wanted to slap me for *******, then **** me harder each time; in each bead of sweat that would be licked from my body, to the way I was smelt, to the look in his eyes
and each cup of tea we drank copiously throughout the night.
I felt you as a power was unleashed and surged throughout my body and mind in cruise control.

I felt you.
In everything I ever wanted in my teenage rebel dreams.
In everything I ever wanted in learning the bitter sweet crescendo of taste
In everything I ever wanted in a worldwide love affair.
In everything I ever wanted in a 5yr cocktail world with a dancing girl
In everything I ever learnt from a hidden bruise
In everything I ever wanted in salt, lime and a gunfight, stalking my prey
In everything I ever licked, ******, devoured and became a karmic bruise on my heart
In everything I ever found in the never-ending well of love and heartbreak
In everything I ever learnt about loving something that was broken.

I know this.
I felt it as you kissed me,
and I felt you move
like the universe was between us, within us
and we were joined once more,
by a lip's caress.

“I am not like other women.
I am deceptively ravenous.
I do not throw myself at others.
When I want something, I take it,
Grab with both hands, Dig my nails in.
If that is simply more than you can handle,
Stay out of my reach.”
— deform & dysfunction

I am ravenous.
This is true.
I am hungry.
I salivate,
over the thought of eating you whole,
Your juices running down my tongue, lips and chin.

You're easy to capture,
For I am like a flitting, fluttering, irresistible, piece of the earth,
You seek, and sought.
I pay you a compliment;
I like you.
You're stunning.
I want you to **** me like you hate me.
You eagerly run to me; you try to play it cool, as, ****,
But I've read you right from wrong,
Left from right
Up from down.
And you come to me,
You listen to me,
You want me,
You're scared to take me,
I know this,
I know, you.
And when you finally have me,
I will leave you,
And leave you with a sweet taste in your mouth,
A ******* good memory in your head,
And a good hard wanting, in your pants.
You don't really, know,
I will never leave you,
Though physically, emotionally, mentally,
You think you make me leave,
You know I'm the most intensely intoxifying glimpse of a thing
You could ever have had,
And your heart beats harder, in fear,
Because I am the best thing you never had.
And you try to run away.
But my darling,
A huntress never leaves her prey alive.
Easy, you were.
But alone I will be,
For people like you,
are too easy for me,
And not suitable in the long term....
I am not your peppermint fudge.
I will split you in t/wo.
I will vehemently hate not but one, but every single second of you.
And i will cry, boy, i will cry,
over how i let myself be treated, by you.
And what are you,
as you spray your words across my face and into my hair,
who are you to even dare?
I am not your morning afterglow,
I will divide your morals thrice/ly.
I will take your hate and i will console you with pity,
I will be pretty, boy, i will be pretty.
And who are you,
to make life such a toy and play love as it t'was a game,
i look at you with embarrassment and shame.
I am not your cup of evening tea.
I will drive you a/part.
I will look at you a different way, now,
I will take a bow, boy, i will take a bow.
And you are you,
and i am sad for the man you seemed to become,
run home and fetch your steak and your gun.
I am sacrilegiously, done.
Let go, of the chains that bind you.
Push them in to an overflowing box,
Tie it up with chains,
Lose the keys to the locks.
Take Rejection,
and ***** it tightly in to a ball,
throw it out over the touchdown line,
watch it fly in to space,
like a message in a bottle,
it's a feeling to let go and erase.
Take Fear,
and coax it out in to the sun,
tell it to 'stop now' and 'go no further'.
Take it's hand and place it over your heart.
Make a stand,
bid it farewell,
'dear friend, go to a new land'.
Take Emptiness,
dig it out from the hole,
that lies just beneath your breast,
claw it out with your fingers,
collect in that vest you keep of your ex,
throw it in to the air,
take all the fake glitter and ash,
and say out loud,
'this too shall pass'.
Now please,
Take Your Heart.
Hold it like your newborn child,
coddle it like any new parent would,
hug it so very tight,
to heal the cracks and fissures,
like any new parent would.
And believe, now it's unbound and free,
that this heart is beating,
and say out loud,
'this heart is beating for ME'.
Break these binds and I promise you,
as your heart beats hard and red,
You will become you,
and lie more easily in your bed.

Much love **
You told me you loved me,
a cursed lie from the cracked dead lips of a dead one.
You see your words are rotten and putrid,
flys around me like decayed flesh down to my very bones.
Consumed I am now the living dead,
my eyes are blind, my desire is you,
and nothing will stop me til i taste you.
You told me you loved me,
from eyes that are old and weary.
Seen things they shouldn't have,
they are blind to the living.
Exceptional delusional deceiving wonders of light,
in the darkest deepest most terrible night.
You tell me you love me,
from areas of your body you knew never existed before.
I am black and blue from arms that never held me,
from the *** we never had.
I am consummated by love and death,
my virginity laid within your lifeless, blistered hands.
You told me you loved me,
and there are flames in your words.
They lick the very part of me, like paper, i am ash,
Falling through my own fingers, I am death known,
and to myself i wonder, this is really love?
As i watch love destroyed by love.
I want to be your starting line; the last bullet from your gun. I want to feel your chest against my back, I want to be your one. I want to be the only one on your stage, under your spotlight; I want to be your morning, your noon and your darkest night. I can’t be distracted by you even for second; for your very smile with your very mouth, makes my heart beckon. I want to see you straighten your tie, and fix your crooked hat, I want to see you be with me, I want to see us looking just like, that.

I don’t want no drama, I just want some fun and laughter, let’s not worry about the future, let’s not worry about the happy forever, after. Just let’s take this moment, and let it run. Take a ribbon from my hand, twist it, plait it, wrap it round your heart. Let’s just not care, and let that be the start. Don’t leave me to die within your beauty, don’t leave me dancing without you. Lets take pictures til our batteries die, and let the night foreafter ensue. I want you to be my one, I want to be your golden hour, your only golden setting sun.

(I want to be so wrapped up with you. Enveloped in your arms and legs so tightly, so that I can smell, your smell. So in 10 years time, when I am stood in the supermarket and you are no longer around, I will smell that smell and think you are stood right beside me, holding my hand. I want to be so in love with you, that every time you leave, I feel deflated, depleted and dramatically fall to the floor screaming to the stars, for your return)

I want you to be here, to feel my heart beat for you. I want you to be here, to be here just for you. And when I look across the room, I know that you are there, that you are looking at me, looking with that deep intense passionate state. I want to be your full stop, the point from which you do not pass, I want to be the ending, of your loneliness, the one, the only, the last. I want you to read this, this nonchalant article of faith you cannot withstand, I want you to read this, look at me, and take my hand.
Anarchic dreams of blind faith....
I want to be your starting line; the last bullet from your gun. I want to feel your chest against my back, I want to be your one. I want to be the only one on your stage, under your spotlight; I want to be your morning, your noon and your darkest night. I can’t be distracted by you even for second; for your very smile with your very mouth, makes my heart beckon. I want to see you straighten your tie, and fix your crooked hat, I want to see you be with me, I want to see us looking just like, that.

I don’t want no drama, I just want some fun and laughter, let’s not worry about the future, let’s not worry about the happy forever, after. Just let’s take this moment, and let us run. Take a ribbon from my hand, twist it, plait it, wrap it round your heart. Let’s just not care, and let that be the start. Don’t leave me to die within your arms, don’t leave me dancing without you. Lets take pictures til our batteries die, and let the night thereafter ensue. I want you to be my one, I want to be your golden hour, your only moonlit forest flitting sun.

I want to be so wrapped up with you. Enveloped in your arms and legs so tightly, so that I can smell, your scent. So in 10 years time, when I am stood in the supermarket and you are no longer around, I will smell that smell and think you are stood right beside me, holding my hand. I want to be so entangled with you, that every time you leave, I feel deflated, depleted and dramatically fall to the floor crying to the stars, for your return

I want you to be here, to feel my heart beat for you. I want you to be here, to be here just for you. And when I look across the room, I know that you are there, that you are looking at me, looking with that deep intense passionate state. I want to be your full stop, the point from which you do not pass, I want to be the ending chapter, the one, the only, the last. I want you to read this, this nonchalant article of faith you cannot withstand, I want you to read this, look at me, and take my hand.
I’m whirling with two feet above the ground, I am lost, I am found. I am held, tantalised by your merry-go-round. And there is a sweetness to your skin, not known before. Sometimes I wonder what you’re fighting for. Confused. Your weakness is my gift. I appreciate your beauty. In the sunlight. Sometimes I can’t handle you being there, because you know too much, and I see it in your hands.

Another day comes up and we stay til the stars are bright reflecting in our eyes. When we sat on the scaffolding naked outside the house. We talked. We kissed. I dreamed of your reflection in the music I kissed. Your eyes they care nothing for me, they take delight in what they can’t see. And you are a poem in all that I write, you, I take away from the dark as it leads to the night. She, you must understand, is beauty divine, by the second hand. My love for her, is deep and wide. She is a beauty to be beheld by my side. I can’t hold her hand for I fear she will let go, even though, I know. She will never, never walk away. Lay your head down on my knee, my sweet, let me run my hands through your hair and tell me about your day.

Twisted by a mirror, running from the gun, you feel my heart is bled and numb. In the mentality of the situation, my words are futile to your ears, I could tell you ever-y-thing, I could tell you my innate fears. And yet I know, just by looking at your face, that I am saved, and this is why I cannot let myself. Fall. Wanting, needing, desiring for that something, that nothing that we all hunger for. I always be here, by your side, ready for the ride. God I laugh for it is benign that I should choose to think, you only want me after a drink. Or two.

She walks across the room and there is a whisper in the air. A wanton look, a wanton glare. Everyone turns to see, to see she is looking at me. I tell you, I tell you, oh man, I. TELL. YOU. To be the object of her affection, to be her means and her every objection, it cuts the very core. Of me. To feel her hand touch mine, her eyes stare at mine; this is what it feels to fly and be free. And I know I have sung this song before, many a love story, many a war; and there is many a lover to curtail the night, but this path I will not fight. This road I will eagerly strap my indiscretions to my back and joyfully skip in the sun. Because I do not want to give my heart away. Today.

Is there music when she plays with me? I think there is. There is no weighty stare. From her. She seems to know, she seems to have sought me out. And no matter how much I scream and shout, she is there. She is there. For I am something, if I was nothing before. And I have an embrace, a secret code, that only I should know. But it gets distracted from the one-trick-pony-show. Thank you, thank you; Thank. You. No-one can make this moment feel a lifetime like you, and yes I give you your due. Please don’t try so hard, my silence is unmanned, do not confuse me with futile supply and demand. Sometimes what I am trying to say, is nothing. At all.
I am:

I am not:

Personal mantra
Maybe i am going insane,
and nobody notices,
because they're all kinda crazy too.
But not my crazy.
It's said that everyone is on a road to somewhere,
so don't be upset if someone is not walking with you.
But i am tired, and i am lost,
and these feet are weighing me down,
my mouth, it voices abuse, that my ears, can't handle,
my brain is my noose,
my hands seek refuge from listlessness of not being held.
My eyes are tired, they weep tears of nothingness
because my road is being paved
and i must walk it anyhow, without you
And how i miss those moments,
when i had you with me,
those few fragile moments when our paths collided.
And i am sorry i fell apart
because i couldn't bare another person walking with me
because i was so used to being alone.
And how i miss you, and your words
and your conversation, and i could watch your mouth move,
I can't look back because its too hard to remember
but i know i miss you,
and my brain is heavy from it all
and my heart is wrapped in sticky tape
and i blu-tacked your name to the back of my hand
so i would never forget you, and i am scared to forget, you.
But you were not my crazy, some other kind, but not mine
and maybe i am going insane
but not your kinda, insane...
so i had to walk away,
for my sanity, what is left of it, tagged me on the back, and said 'it's time'.
Still my hand hangs listless, waiting for your touch,
but my arms know there will be no holding you tonight.
Oh god, i cry, but i don't believe in such things..
Funny old thing, in this world, love,
because it comes and goes, at a cost,
and its why my head hangs low from all the insanity that my heart has brought to the table,
in loving you.
I became the bottom of a shoe. Worthless, unwarranted, but there, needed.
Rubber and worn, worn away to the thinnest part, and still used.
Hands became words, and hugs became extinct, tears became invisible, the 'childhood' was erased.
Diabetes became my mother, known as rejection, and depression, her twin, known as rage.
Insulin and Fluoxetine became my equally demanding toddlers; I was feeding a family of 6 at the age of 8.
I watched my brother become a tortured child, in his sleep - the sound of his waterproof sheets would keep me awake, as i lay worried that his screams were words he could not utter at his age.
I watched my sister grow cold as she watch her house burning down around her, and crying tears at the loss of her childhood, her eyes burned at me.
As i looked in the mirror, when i cried,  i would flush the toilet just to hear what it feels like to be washed away.
Disappeared down the drain.
I shrunk 4 inches in 4 years, one inch for each bottle of poison, that said 'drink me'.
I shrunk 4 inches in another 4 years for every word that said 'eat me'.
I shrunk so that I could not grow, up.
Later still.
I became broken, hard to 'fix'.
I became lost, without a cause.
I became the rebel, odd-one-out.
Family grew fractured, broken mirrors lay on all our floors, that we skirted around, lest we should bled it all out, what had happened.
Relationships broke, one after another, after, another, after, another, after....
Faces lost feeling, words became laws, feelings became problems, love became, raw and unused.
We dissipated, dissolved, into a million pieces of broken, into the world, held together by very thin words of 'family'
I am not a child anymore.
It's time to be heard.
She wears feathers in her hair, so when the wind blows, her mind flys with the breeze,
She wears red lipstick to rub off the kisses she believes aren't meant to stay.
She wakes up each morning to realise the world is still here for one day more,
so she cuts parts of herself to make herself fade away.

Pick me bunches of lavender so that we may go to sleep,
but don't buy me tissues, so i don't have a choice to weep.

She looks past the mirror and sees a image of a different girl that doesn't exist,
and every-time she reads their lips they speak words that come out with a view to ****.
Perfect she speaks and moves when she is outdoors and in a crowd,
but at home she is silent for there lies a fear that a single word will break her still.

Pick me bunches of daisies so that we may feel the grass,
but don't write my story as memories as they are not meant to last

She sleeps openly for nothing, for she does not believe in true love or its fairytale,
she takes affection coldly and wonders why she abundantly sits alone.
Yet in the darkness of being held in someones arms and not seeing the day,
she's a seeker of harsh words so she may run and run away on her own.

Let me watch you work so we can see the beauty you manifest in the air,
but don't tell me you love me because you know i won't care.

There you are, come see me, there you are, come be by my side.
A could tell you a story,
an epic tale of gigantic proportions,
of heroic endeavours,
where women swooned at my feet,
and men were envious of my secret ways.
I could make you sit,
ears tantalising on fire,
awaiting the blazing crescendo,
of love, romance, abuse and, loss,
and still you would want more.
I could wrap my words around your mind,
and delicately place images,
in your head that you want to see, feel, taste and touch,
of a woman meeting a man,
for the first time, and it lasted in fairytale romance.
I could sit you down,
next to me,
and hold your hand,
look in your eyes,
and give you my world, heaven, hell, moon and stars.
I could give you a story,  
that not all women are beautiful,
and not all men are men,
and maybe you could understand, conceive, accept
what, my story is.....
My body is wet, and slick
writhing from pain somewhere within
and still there is a smile on my face,
for every grimace for every single sin.
I don't mean to be this way,
it's a coping mechanism, long been taught
and i live this daily battle,
til my mind is subconscious and overwrought.
I mean to love you,
and i'm sorry if it's just too much,
that it begins with some words,
and it begs for my sublime touch.
For i am superbly subliminal consciously,
with every note i speak,
and i cannot help that i love you,
for my heart is tough but weak.
And the crowds are laughing,
the cupboard is lacking and bare,
and i sit here and sigh,
whilst you sit with them and stare.
Wait for me to fall for you,
then beg me to stay,
tell i am beautiful, enlightening, precocious and rare,
and then take it away.
I can hear my heart pushing at the black of the sweat,
and i am partially here nor there,
and i am partially yours whether you want me,
under the weight of your succinct stare.
But your victory over me
is not through the love for me that you wish,
it is rather through your rejection,
best served cold, in a hand for a dish.
Nevermind my worries, nor my cares,
I know i am of no consequence nor thought,
of everything in your daily life,
but trouble i seem to have brought.
My dear, my darling, my love, my quarry,
I seek nothing but silence with you,
for i know at least your words,
once uttered, is a missile projected from you.
I am sweat and hard work,
I am scary, new and everything you fear,
but your rejection, though rough,
is what i expected, my dear.
There is nothing i can expect,
you will not allow yourself to become tainted by me,
and my devils they call to my aide,
to show you the wrong side of being free.
You are not willing through self righteous fear
of being covered in the dirt of my love and care,
and when you are not looking,
i am always really, just here, and there.
To want is to suffer,
of this i know which is to be true,
i was sent you in a lesson to learn,
and i was meant to learn from, about, and in you.
I have a wet, slick, black wanton spirit,
there is no innocence in my blue eyes,
for everything i love within myself,
is equally something there to despise.
There is no crowd now,
there is abrupt silence in the dried up air,
intake of acrid, wanton, holy breath,
to see if you really do truly care.
And this aint no love song,
there are no guitar rifts or longing in the chorus of a singular word,
i merely cannot understand you, to love you
and my flight is as free as a bird.
I am wet, and slick, from lack of sleep,
there is something of you inside my head
and every night i wish i was dreaming,
but i think of you instead.
My love,
my quarrel,
my fear,
my future.
Never have dis-pleasured someone so much,
with a singular, single, millimetre of tingle of a touch.
So by my hat, i take my leave, bite my tongue and begin to grieve. I take in your eyes, as they watch me go, and see your heart and its breaking sor-row. And by my hand, a broken hold, which once was yours, now grows lifeless and cold. I left you waiting and wanted alone, i left you sitting next to my ivory throne. And i am not here, nor there or below, i move with less effort than the wind or the snow. My heart has grown weary, tired and broken, for all your promises you made are lost and mis-spoken. I miss your hand, your arms and your kiss; i couldn't stand your tears, your venom or fists. I am surrounded by you when you're not here, and so i sit and cry some solemn squeezed out tear. You broke me down, you wore me out, you didn't catch me falling, or hear me shout. And where are you when i need you the most? Wandering in self-pity with the air of a ghost.
So adieu my love, au reviour, and good luck, so lay me down and let this be our last ****........
She was a woman like any other women, she spoke the language of the moon and the night, and by day she reconciled with the clouds to find the stars. She moved as if the world was watching and talked as if no-one was listening. Her mind wandered down lonely paths as she sought to a road to take. Her silence communicated what she was trying to say. Her thoughts were not empty. Her vision was coloured and blurred. Life, passed by with watches and strings, and many a wondrous and blinded thing. She was judged, by judges that no-one had met, yet kneel at the altar of. Her face was a precipice that many fell upon, fell down, and landed on their own two feet. And these words were what I wrote for her.

You twist like a serpent around my head, you lie like a river in my bed. And the sheets that we lay upon are cold and perturbed, that they are not being stolen or being disturbed. Your beauty is blinding to those that feel the sun, the glare, the heat, whispers of being the one. I repeat, repeat, eject, eject. I’ve built you a majesty of mountains you find hard to collect. Pebbles of gold found in the shallowest stream, are fragments of the sun of which you dare to dream. I think of you, of you, you. And I run for cover, one amongst many, of many a lover. You see without looking, you hear without thought, you buy without drinking, you drink what you bought. And all of this I assume you have not dared to know, that clearly I see you and the seeds that you sow.

It is not easy for me to lie here and gaze at you sleeping, for it is far easier for me to hold you whilst you are weeping. I will take care of those troubles that lay in your head, but most likely I will forget you whilst I make my bed. I bite on my teeth, I pick at my hands, I cannot but daydream about our future I planned. Mostly I laugh, for it is nothing I know, but for sure it is rather my own soap opera show. Although I watch you quite quietly in the quietest of times, I sit here alone and write you these rhymes. I wish you would be silent and think of nothing at all.

So she sits in her ivory tower, a majestic sight to be held, built by many a weary lover. Innocuous to all attempts. Failed by the mightiest standards. If you asked me to, I would silence my heart, I would scrawl sweet nothings on bathroom walls, I would take care of you, I would do what was required. Tho I am not your deadliest sin, I am not your usual flame, I am not what you would call a surmise, a full pardon or expletive expectation. A breath is all it takes to bring you back to life, moth to a flame, enflamed and explosive by the light. Oh what a fright. What a fear. That I may just be the one to lie in your arms and be content and never ask for anything more.
I have this scent.

Run around in circles.

Come find me.

Seek me out.

Find me.

I await your hunger.

I await your thunder.

I await your dark eyes.

I await your despise.

I have this scent.

For you.

Come see me.
I see people writing poem after poem on here,
and i wonder,
did you write them all by candlelight, and save them up for when you found your audience?
Or did you sit and get drunk and write them whilst smoking cigarettes, and crying,
all over the keyboard.
Or was it a carefully, logically, formatted feeling that you had to edit, to, get, it just, right?
I wonder if you know what you are saying.
If you know that your infinitesimal pieces of work, are akin to a 16yr old's journal from circa 1984?
That if you could read it from this angle, or that angle, it could mean one or two things, and i am sure that you meant neither of them.
And i am thinking, that if i could i would throw away the internet and its black hole, that we all get ****** into,
I would give you one gold plated pen with black writing ink,
and a limited supply of scrolls of parchment made by sunlight and cotton;
because i wonder whether you would be so flippant with your words,
your feelings,
your punches,
your understanding,
your emotions,
your reflection,
your heart.
Because this makes us quicker, faster, harder, stronger.;
holding out for a white page to fill with words,
for lightening bolts of appreciation.
Is this not the cycle you wish to escape my love?
Was this not what you wanted?
Did you not want him to walk away?
Did you not want her to cheat?
Did you want them to fight, see you more clearly, understand you better, expect a little bit more respect, demand a little bit more attention, more patience, loving acceptance, a mutual respect?
What are you doing with these words, that you throw down like a gauntlet?!
Like you throw down venomous poison that you are trying to rid from your body, out from your curs-ed mouth, through your fingers, on to a keyboard, and out in to a a-nomy-nous world.
I wonder if you think of these things as you listen to love songs, driving in the rain, in the dark, suffocating on tears?
Do they fester in your head all day as you serve self-righteous morons who have no idea of your tortuous pain?
Do you lightly tread, whilst someone is sleeping in your bed, to the keyboard and type out how much you love them, and how much you are in love, alone, to the monitor, to nameless faces.
Do you have a soap box? Have you hammered on the desk in the rising light of your passion and dignity, and justice for all, in the name of love?
Have you wrote a letter lately?
When was the last time you held a pen for more than a few seconds?
When was the last time you cried into the ink, sprayed it with perfume, or S.I.W.A.L.K?
Or told someone you loved them with a million reasons why, with your own voice, into their eyes, to their face?

I just wonder, how much these words are worth, if we don't say them,
out loud.
Lost and wandering with out a story
a midnight lampshade stretched out over glory
not tricks or tracks up my sleeve
no more wanting, no more to grieve
a silent not darkness has swallowed my skin
sallowed and sickly the light moves within
and deep in the conscious lying there
is my soul flying naked and bare
never wrote more truer story of romance and sin
and it got thrown out with the cat food in the bin,
and now it is different the air smells alive
i can feel it beneath me making me drive
and there are no words, though i use far to many
for every time i screamed **** i found a new penny
and it was there all along just under my pen
i'd already written about them in everything back then
and oh what is love, i hear the bells cry
it was not those girls who chose you to die
for their misfortunes and weakness and 'what the **** evers'
i am neat, petite, i keep it together
i kept myself for him though i never knew him before
There was a number behind the back door
too many women to **** around too many times
too many the focus of my love rhymes
what for? whatever...what the ****...?!!
sssshhh...i even tried to write one a book!!
oh i can laugh now, oh i can laugh at myself
with a encyclopedia of ****** wealth
That was me? Who was i back then,
What did i correct? What was with the red pen?
and now there is my eyes, my heat, my kiss
every moment is a feeling of bliss
There's everything i searched for without knowing
and every night in the wind its blowing
their name, the air is breathless in here
and yes i have cried many a salty tear
for all the thousand pieces of my heart i have given out
there is to be a million more given, without a doubt
and i am sad for those who cannot feel like i do
i am sorry for repeating all those 'i love you's'
because it was not real, i'm sorry it was something else
maybe something that carried some sort of wealth
they were not even close to how my garden grows
how could i be so blind to what was right under my nose?
oh my sweetest love, my sweetest kiss,
there is nothing else i can give you but all of this,
I begged, stolen and borrowed hearts, black and blue
and my arms have fallen inside out for you....
Thinking, In the meaning
Of things,
There is no meaning. Just being.
There are no answers,
Just, actualitys.
i have one hell of a mean appetite,
my brain is stuttering
and my fists are ready to fight.
Feel my mettle,
heat the core,
watch my face,
as my feet hit the floor..
Come one step deeper,
one head **** behind,
they say scream harder,
as i begin to lose my mind.
But there's no vouch in my voice,
and no breath beneath my chest,
i can hear the thunder roaring,
in the beating within my breast.
And i can't see the boundaries,
between where me and i begin,
you want to see me roar,
as if the game is ready to win.
I'm one step caning it,
3 steps naked on your floor,
I beg you to be harder
as you come through the door.
No-one asked for this music,
as i turned the juke-box on,
but i danced the night away til my feet bled,
and sang where there was no song.
I am 10 beats harder hitting,
My heartbeat is keep time,
throwing my hands up to the sky,
and i look for the horizon line.
Pull me in harder,
throw me out with the acrid air,
that you left with the ruffled sheets,
and memories of me being there.
I have a deep insatiable hunger,
that is lost upon the ground,
and i have a rumbling scream,
that is vacuum packed in sound.
Running, running like there are care packages,
being dropped from the sky,
yet everything is an illusion,
and i'm left digging through a 'wondering why'.
Shadow boxing in candle light,
with someone i barely know,
and i am ready, and i am ****** willing,
for you to enjoy the show.
*******, harder, faster,
til the sweat becomes pearls of dew from my lips,
and i bite hard down upon some skin,
and rip apart the sheets with my fingertips.
I taste, and choke, and i come up for air,
Hunger; hungry desire is written in my skin,
and i let my body release endorphin's
and i dance with the passionate demon within.
Eat me, excite me, exhume my heart,
my hands are shaking with pure white heat,
so i will sit quietly breathing nothing,
and calm myself from the soles of my feet.
do i have an appetite,
Come feed me
with cucumber sandwiches,
and cups of tea.
click clack, sound of the track
busted lighter, jilted firefighter
****** mosquito bleeding blighter
coffee cup, record stuck
panicked post boom stuck in a rut
had you'd never seen her, been her
watched her fly by
is it a plane, wonder bush, brick lane spy
fallen tree, dropped whispers ina wood
shoulda, woulda but never could
pushed by the wind, running around
set off faster, harder, leavin the ground
seen more war than a nu-rave punk
hit the pavement harder than a skool boy drunk
deeper, lower than before
been round the world 3 times over
prayed harder rollin around in clover
teemin, screaming anticipation, panick buy
obsessed with cuckoo, escape with a sigh
darker, lighter, tougher, cornered and lame
call my breath, take my name
shame, dusted, glory be no more
music drags me back from the shore
vacumn packed, culture vulture sister
pierced hot poker, stoke her, twist her
throwin pieces, jigsaw puzzle in the grass
pull my hair, bit my cheek, slap my ***
shorter, tighter loved a whole lot longer
pushed behind, throw back 80's stronger
straightened, heated from a blue rinse dude
i am sitting her 3 minutes from rude
throw me away from here, take a stand
eating raw from inside the hand
ruined, borken levelled tiger print sweater
20 marlboro, 2 strokes and its better
dangermouse, grotbag loved forever
tether me, feed me, clothed in dried leather
Bowie, polka dots, illuminated lights
star brights, fist fights, just rights
scuffed my heels on your broken walk
shut your mouth when you talk
broke you, stalked you, wounded you down
turn away from rain as we run thru town
just like a fire
black crow eating berries from the briar
sacred high, dancing beauty
eyes black and smarting, ****** up cutie
batman, she-ra, Holy ****** Cow!
Look at me, **** me
I'm a big girl now
'I've had my chances and I've been burned, but I wouldn't trade the pain for what I've learned'

too ****** true, listen you never can take away what you lost but you can take away a lesson learnt.

No-one is ever worth you makin yourself forget who you are and if they are, they are not the one. No wonder it never works if someone is controllin and manipulative and takes everything from you and worse still they blame you for it fallin apart and say things like 'i don't know who you are anymore' - well duh!!! ya think!

No wonder if they suffer some deep heartache and you just can't help make better, they can try to patch it up but if you can't actually dig it out and feel the pain and then try to heal it does that actually mean something - i'm not a fixer, i can't heal i aint frikkin jesus!!

No wonder they can't accept apologies because they think the world owes them somethin, and thats because they can't accept the world owes them nothin, you make your own choices, own decisions, own life. You make the choice to be happy, you make the choice to have a good day, you make the ****** choice!!!!

I am too tough and also too weak, i bend at rejection and balk at love, its a ying yang thing. I loose myself in relationships, fall far too easily for sweet words and a few kisses, but the *** is never good enough with the good people and the hugs just never quite reach all the way round, the actions speak louder than words!!

I have realised that life is funny old thing, but you know what i am proud of myself, i never give up until the last fight, i never walk away til there is nowhere left to walk. I am stronger than i realised and i am ready for a new life on my own and follow my path wherever it may take me

I love my son, he is the light of my life and i take it for granted sometimes until someone comes along and ***** him up, i mean two lesbian mums who don't get on, adopted from a druggie mum and then there's some girl(s) who take him and 'love' him like he is there's - no i don't think i do not think so, you took his mums love and made it hurt, you made him see her cry, you made him ask questions he don't really understand and he misses you for no reason apart from the fact he thinks you are his best friend...he's 3 for gods sake

I am a passionate, proactive person, sometimes it don't come across right, i expect everyone to get it, i can write poetry from my heart and make my words come out right, but surely there are some people out there where this will make sense?

I am ready now, i am me, i am crazy, mad and up for life, i don't need no narcotics, i don't need no false hope or fake love. I want someone - not right now, but i want someone older, more emotional intelligent than a what i've had, and that can fight a good fight with me, tell me when to shut up because i go on...which i do, but you know what my voice is the strongest thing i have and i will fight with it till you have no more breathe to take, but then i will have no more breathe and you will have to catch me when i fall wherever i might be!!!

Loss only hurts when you realise where it comes from, this recent loss comes from believin in someone who couldn't believe in themselves, i don't care what they do, who they are with and what they say when i am gone because i believed no matter what she was worth more than what she gave herself....never lie to yourself x x
I want to read you,
run my fingers across you
like you are braille and your body is my book.
I do not know you,
but i want to see you, through your skin,
I want to feel your past memories imprinted
on your muscles,
and read them, as i spread your arms apart, like the pages on a well worn book.
I want to sound out the names of the stars,
from behind your back,
whilst running my fingers down the vertabrae of
your spine, counting each one.
I want to feel the creases of your mouth
as you tell me about your day,
and the laughter
and the pain in the creases
in your eyes.
I want to hook my fingers around your ribs,
and read about your heartbeat's
daily news, and stroke the bruises
left there in.
I want to stoke the coals in your *****,
like i am reading a book by the fire,
and i am immersed in you
so badly,
nothing can distract me,
from you.
I want to read you,
with my body,
with my fingertips, and my lips,
and my eyelashes,
and legs,
I want to delve in,
You are the story of my life,
there are the words of my future,
knitted together in the palms of your hands,
in the corners of your smile,
and the pool of your iris.
You are my never-ending book,
I can't wait to open,
sit down and read.
I dream of you,
by a white oak tree.
I dream of you, i dream of you, i dream of you.
There is a ribbon tied to the tree.
I don't know the connection, but suddenly it is lost.
You open your mouth and there are words flying through the air,
gaps between your teeth,
pauses in your ribs,
and i still can't see your face.
I dream of you in a white shirt,
beige trousers.
Pretty bland, holding out your hand.
But i am not on the ground, i think you cannot see me,
I am flying up here, my darling,
up where i am free.
I have no tether, i am not portable,
I am free.
I dream of you, i dream of you.
I dream of you where there is no keyboard in my hands.
Where my fingers can touch you,
Where i can connect to you from within and without,
and you can feel my skin to yours.
But there are words floating around me in the air,
I cannot breathe,
I am scared.
I dream of you.
Silently i dream of you.
Obstinately i dream of you.
Sacredly i dream of you.
Ritually i dream of you.
Petulant i dream of you.
As only dreamers can do,
As only lovers can do,
when dreams are love,
and i am a bright red balloon.
If you see my ex girlfriend can you tell her,
tell her i took her t-shirt and ripped it up,
tell her i made something good, **** good out of it;
can you tell her, tell her,
i still have her shelves she left me,
and on the shelves lies a card she wrote for me,
because it reminds me to be strong,
and tell her this card,
even thought it sits on her shelves,
it is no way a regard to thoughts of her, now, still.
Can you tell her,
I threw away all the kitten food i had left over,
I took the kittens to a new home,
because they would be better with someone else,
i thought, that was for the best,
can you tell her that?
Can you tell her that,
I miss her, but i don't mourn her,
I don't care to feel anything for her anymore,
as i look at the pictures,
i left of us, messing around,
in the park,
the two most beautiful girls we knew.
Can you tell her it took a year and another girl to get over her?
Can you tell her,
it was her that made me get over her?
In her hoody as i walked home,
from the night before,
i realised i had cried so many tears for the wrong person,
but i still loved who she was,
can you tell her?
Tell her that i love her and always will,
because there is something inside of me,
that is broken,
broken like a record,
and it never stops, going around, and around,
like she was the record player,
and i was the record,
and she scratched me,
and i was never the same.
And now can you tell her,
tell her that i killed me to love her,
and she should never be afraid to die for someone she loves,
because i want her to know,
that in the midst of all the broken pieces,
i was inside of her, outside of her, and had her,
but i never let her know,
because like a broken record,
i was stuck at the same spot from the last ride.
Can you tell her?
Tell her i think about the times she made me laugh,
and the time she officially asked me out,
and i had no clue,
and i loved her for that.
Can you tell her,
she is missed, and loved,
and though we will never be,
she played me a song i had never heard before,
and i fell in love with the music right then.
Can you tell her?
If you see my ex girlfriend can you tell her,
tell her i took her t-shirt and ripped it up,
tell her i made something good, **** good out of it,
and it fit real well,
in all the places i've got left;
can you tell her, tell her,
i still have her shelves she left me,
and on the shelves full of heavy books and antique cameras,
lies a card she once wrote for me,
because it reminds me to be strong,
and tell her this card,
even though it sits on her shelves,
it is no way a regard to thoughts of her, now, still.
Can you tell her,
I threw away all the kitten food i had left over,
I took the kittens to a new home,
because they would be better with someone else,
i thought, that was for the best,
it was for the best,
can you tell her that?
Can you tell her that,
I miss her, but i don't mourn her,
I don't care to feel anything for her anymore,
as i look at the pictures,
i left of us, messing around,
in the park,
the two most beautiful girls we knew,
that i never deleted.
Can you tell her it took a year and another girl to get over her?
Can you tell her,
it was her that made me get over her?
In her hoody as i walked home,
from the night before,
i realised i had cried so many tears for the wrong person,
but i still loved who she was,
can you tell her?
Tell her that i love her and always will,
because there is something inside of me,
that is broken,
broken like a record,
and it never stops, going around, and around,
like she was the record player,
and i was the record,
but something scratched me,
and i was never the same,
played in repeat, over and over, again,
a line sung of love, hate, misery and lust,
in a song that never stopped playing.
And now can you tell her,
tell her that i killed me to love her,
i wore my heart proudly,
bleeding on my chest,
from old battle scars and war wounds,
and tell her,
she should never be afraid to die for someone she loves,
because i want her to know,
that in the midst of all the broken pieces,
i was inside of her, outside of her, and had her,
but i never let her know,
because like a broken record,
i was stuck at the same spot from the last ride.
Can you tell her?
Tell her i think about the times she made me laugh,
really laugh til my soul fell out,
and the time she officially asked me out,
and i had no clue,
and i loved her for that
because she made it part of us.
Can you tell her,
she is missed, and loved,
and though we will never be,
she played me a song i had never heard before,
and i fell in love with her music right then.
Can you tell her?
She left a legacy, and changed the clocks when she left.
Can, you, tell her?
I don't find limiting myself with a title,
There are no boxes left for me to fit in,
Or burst out of....
I find it's excitingly horrifying to be,
This lost.
There's a similar difference between identity and persona,
I am what I am, am I?
What am I?
Do you think the men I have only half loved,
But stroked their meek egos of,
And the woman I have cowered at,
As they screamed my name,
Know what I am,
Is not who I am?
There is a solace to be found in being wanted;
Are you the one they fall to on a late night,
When they are alone and drunk?
What about when their beds are cold?
When they cannot see you because, they are blinded,
By their quest to find themselves more, and you,
And you,
My dear,
Oh my sweet you,
Who is no one in this world,
Are a literally stepping stone in under their feet,
As you wish to be a moon in their stars.
What they don't tell you,
About surviving trauma when your brain is developing,
Is that your world turns to opposites,
Chaos is home
Drugs are home
Hate is home
Fear, is home;
Here secreted beneath my pallid skin,
I try to find them all a home,
Knowing I'll never find mine.
If self care and therapy was literal exercise,
I could bench press all of you, and more,
And save you all;
My motivation to not be broken is stronger than my will to die,
And they'll never know that,
As they try to break me,
Over and over, and over,
And over again.
Everyone's broken.
No sorry, everyone has cracked edges,
Mishandled a few times
Not broken, slightly damaged.
We, the ones filled with gilded light, and songbirds,
We know the ******* difference between depression,
And eternal internal sadness,
From not understanding love, to
From seeking solace in the extreme,
To running away from arms that seek to confine.
Where for art ******* thou?

We are not here for your pleasure.
But we are.
How could we be, but anything else?

I tired.
I tried.
Driving too fast.
Telling them.
Saving them.
Being everything.

This isn't a shopping list.
It's. Not a bucket list.
It's what we do to survive,
When you're born without love.
Why would you pity such a sweet thing?
Give her your heart and then walk away?
Why would you pity such a sweet thing?

Sing her sonnets in the sunlight
and talk her to languages she don't understand?
Magic thoughts out of fairytales
in a dream she once had?

Why would you care for such a sweet thing?
Tell her all that she desires and drop your hand?
Why would you care for such a sweet thing?

Show her mountains and oceans
and take her on adventures unabound?
Light her fire with a single match
and watch as it dies out beneath your feet?

Why would you taste such a sweet thing?
Have your fill and eat some more besides?
Why would you taste such a sweet thing?

A fountain flows more lightly than a stream
with no point for beginning or end
Why begin on a journey with no map
Why become the enemy and not the friend?

Why would you pity such a sweet thing?
A lost swallow falling in flight?
Why would you pity such a sweet thing?

Heart....How doust thou love now
trapped in a wall of freedom
of your own doing and tears..
Heart...blind i am to your beat

Would you pity such a sweet thing?
A long time coming*

Blurring the lines between what is real and what is fake, i think of you when i am dreaming awake. There is a man in a chair, within his hands he holds a gun, he wants a show, to show you, you are the one. He has 6 bullets, in his hand and his time has arrived, he awaits for the moment, love and death marry at his side.
He sits with his back to me, his shoulder is a blur and shift, i reach out to him to reassure him, and my mind starts to drift. My thoughts of you are not the only ones, i do not want to sit here watching you cleaning your guns.
I know my darling, that time has been hard, i know that at times i wish my heart was your bodyguard, i know you have seen things, that we both cannot of speak, my own heartbeat, is torn, its mouth is wretched and weak. I hold in my hands everything i thought i knew, i hold in my hands my love and memories of you, though they are marred from my own distaste, from my own assaults and my own bruised face. I watch him sit there and stare at the sun, i watch him sit there, on his lap is a gun, and i am real, am i real, or am i fake, i cannot tell if you are dreaming or i am awake.
I know times have been hard my love, i know this, i know it to be be true, i feel, i fell, i ran away into the arms of you. My own weary hands hold a gun i am not sure how to shoot, but i sit by your side, as you clean your military boot.
There are times i know, they have been hard, my brain is heavy, my memories are marred. When death has come and death has gone, how can we be the ones to walk away and carry on? How can i marry love, and hold hands with death, my eyes hold secrets and i grieve quietly and bereft. I held his hand once, i held it ****** tight, i held his face, as he fell asleep into a dreamless night.
My thoughts are heavy, it holds this gun, it hears bullets whip past my face, i see his face as he sees the sun. I hold my hand out for you, as you sit in your chair, i want to believe you are no longer there, but you are sitting with your gun in your hand as you sit on my throne, and my hand cannot let go, it is not its own.
My heart beats wildly, like a bird caught in flight, and i watch and i watch and i remember how you welcomed the night. I cannot see if you are real or if i am fake, i cannot tell what i see if i am dreaming or if i am awake. And every day and every where this is life in my vision, and i battle it down, swallow this view with succinct precision, and everywhere i judge upon peoples values, my morals of this mans decision.
I held his hand, i held his face, i held his dreams as he wandered darkly, blindly to some other place. I wanted to put my hand on the back of his chair, and whisper in his ear, it is me, i was really there. I want to know if this was real, was it something i dreamt? Were my inconsolable tears worthy of their lament? I want to take his gun and empty bullets on the floor, i want to turn him around and push him towards the door, i want to make him see that i am there, that i was here, and that i care. I want to believe that there is some good, as he began to see the night, i want to know he was ok, that he was alright.
I am marred, and i am torn, i was a purist, and now i am darkly reborn. I am frightened as i feel this, this man, and this bullet, in my chest; i wish i was your helmet, your boots, your pressed love letters, in your pocket in your chest. And i am tired, and i am weary of carrying this man, it was not that way, it was not that plan. It was not explained, nor can be, there is nothing more left in him, than there is in me. And i walk on and as i do i turn my head to the side, i take his bullets and all the tears i have cried, i take all these nameless faces that i pass by in  the street, and i want to scream at them, and fall down and beg at their feet. I want them to see him, i want to show him their pain, i want him to see he did not die in vain. But my mind is cluttered and thoughts are impaired, and i am fearful, and i am ******* scared.
I am dreaming when i am awake, because that is what we do when we give and we take. I am here, i whisper, i am here, i say, i watch him sit by himself, in my dreams during the day. I keep myself awake with everything i do, because my memories are riddled with red, white, brown and blue. Therefore dreaming is no longer a nightly passion, it is a daily occurence, it is coping, in a fashion.
And majestically i throw my love outward and upward into the air, to show that i was thankful and that i care, and i reach out my burnt hand to his shoulder, as he sits in his chair. Take the bullets, and fire, just one more time, let me hear that sound, that heat, let the clocks unwind. Am i real, or am i fake, this is a question that keeps me awake.
Drugged and alone, i lie and  try to sleep, though you still sit on your chair, and i watch you and weep. I am love, for you, i am loved, for you, i am 6 bullets in your chest, i am your helmet, i am your vest, i am your blue grey eyes, and your ***** smile, i am those stupid jokes you told once in a while, i am your friend, your companion and your light and your life, and my promise is that i will one day marry death and fall in love as his wife.
Do not worry, empty your gun, death has come, there is no need to get up and run. I tell you this in my dreams, as i lie awake, for everything you are, that you gave, I will gravely take your chair and make no mistake, in being your last goodbye.
'Bite me' he said as he stuck out his jaw,
And I took my teeth, and scored a century of venom into his tongue
I ****** his words from his mouth,
Til he couldn't breathe anymore air,
Then I sat on his chest, put my hand across his throat,
And said 'talk to me'.
And his lips turned blue, and mine turned red,
I realised how it is when the very part of you,
Becomes bruised when you suffocate the very thing, that keeps you alive,
And I wanted him to know,
This is what my heart felt,
Every time he said 'i love you',
Because words are easy to utter,
But loving is not,
And only when I can show you how it feels to lose the one thing you hold so dear,
I can show you how it feels to love you.
My darling,
I remember,
when you laid in my arms, and i watched you sleep,
like it was the most simple thing you could have done for me to fall in love with.
You held my hand against your chest like it were attached to your heart,
your very lifeline entwined within my fingers.
I watched each rise and fall of your chest,
and it was the only thing in the world i knew that was keeping me alive.
Your face looked as if it had found heaven,
and as i slept i found mine in yours.
I wanted to dive in with you, in to your dreams
and see what you were seeing,
and feel what you were feeling,
because i wanted nothing more to be everything,
your entire world.
I remember,
when we used to laugh and the safest place i felt,
was in your arms,
and when we used to laugh, it was like our world collided in the air between us,
and exploded like a firework in an indian night sky,
the space that we used to stand apart between,
was now joined as one.
I remember,
you had the most beautiful eyes i had ever seen,
and my brain forgot how to formulate words when you looked at me,
I went dumb,
and  i was ok with that,
being lost in thought at you.
You used to tell me how i was the most beautiful thing you had ever seen,
and i was loved more than i ever really knew,
you used to tell me that i had saved you,
that you wanted to be my forever,
I remember now,
I remember.
I remember,
how you thought i was your everything,
when really i was drowning without you,
suffocating without your laughter,
blinded without your eyes,
and numb without your hand.
Memories of you,
the best thing i ever lost.
You saved my heart,
as i was drowning in a sea of pain,
you threw me a line,
after line,
after line.
I remember now,
how i loved you with all my being.
And you really did save my life.
They say come, as you're stood by the door,
and place you in a rocking chair, when you feel like you're the floor.
Then there is a smile that you've seen somewhere before,
and you know that you're dying,
and you don't know what for

They like to hold your head in their hands
and hold your hands in their grasp, as you try to swim for air.
Then there is a look in their eyes you see as they stare,
and you could drown in a puddle
and you know they don't care

They whisper reassurances as if it could mend your heart,
and open their ears and swallow words as you fall apart.
Then there is a black hole in the  middle of their bed,
and you try to jump and fly away
but you fall down and they take your head.

They say you're not crazy, but whisper you're not sane,
and you're not sure if its dice you throw in this game.
So when they break you into a jigsaw, and you lose another piece,
know they do it for the glory and for the fame,
and they won't hesitate, to do it again
I don't care if you are the water or the groove of the stone. I want a place In your arms that feels succinctly like home. I want to be encircled like an old oak tree, with a breeze in the air that smells radiantly of you and me. I don't care if you are the tongue or the groove. I want a place within which all these walls I can remove. There is a river that cascades between us that keeps us far from home, but I don't care if you are the cancer or the broken bone. I don't care if you are the sweetest peach or the rattle of the snakes tail. All I want is for you to arise each time you fail.

I don't care of you bruise easily or become yellow from the inside out. I don't care if you walk away silently or you scream, stamp your feet and shout. I don't care if you are the water and I am the stone. I do not care if for your secrets I have to atone. I want to you to seek the hiding places I hold so tightly,  and I want you to seek them daily and nightly. I don't care if you think this is overdressed, or I show too much flesh. I want you to see how I look for you when I calmly undress. I don't care if you are the thunder in my storm. I don't care if you call this safety or if you call me home.

I don't care if you are the salt or the falling tear. I want you to know that me not caring is not what I fear. I want you to know that true love is true acceptance In it's ultimate form. I don't care to know if you're broken or you are torn. These words I asked you, but they are routine and true. I could repeat , dry my face and carry on, but I don't care to do that for you. I don't care if you are weak and strong together. I care about you whatever the whatever. I don't care if you wish to compete and you have won. I want you to know that those secrets were already awake and done.  

I don't care how many times you walk away, I care about the how many times you stay.

I don't care, because In the end nothing matters, and in here, we're all mad as hatters.
I wish sometimes I could lie in your bed. Just to know I was close to you. Once. Give me love, beauty, money, fame, happiness, and besides all I want is the truth. I hear you smile down the phone. I have a centrifugal soul, it allows me envelop you. To carry your heart without letting it break. Wrapping around you. It is a silent force, like the middle of a hurricane I am safe from the chaos at large. I try to kid myself It didn’t matter but the truth is you’re all I ever wanted.

God I am only 4 songs down but it feels like you have been here forever. Sat with your hand on my hips, your kiss on my lips, I waited for this. Where fairy lights twinkle around our heads, as we laugh and play, making music in our minds. Forging new memories to erase the old. Of times when you walked away because you were scared you’d be left. When times were made illogical because love got crazy and emotions exploded. Yet I look into your eyes and I am found. Feels like home? To me.

You’re the only one who can run your hands around my head, knotting my hair around your delicate fingers. Its fatal, fatality is worked through your hands. Soon we’ll all be breathing the same air. When we’re driving to nowhere, I catch you watching me out of the corner of your eye, smiling. You don’t know it, but you never looked more beautiful. It’s like reading a book and it just gets better, and you can’t put it down but you don’t want it to end. I want to dance, with you. Hear you laugh. Its divine providence that we are here, together.

It’s late, we haven’t talked for hours. We need not say a word. The sunlight never felt so good. Happiness is only happiness when shared. Not left in an empty room to be squandered away dreaming of forevers. And here I dream with you. In my mind. I like that. Taking my breath away just by lying here with me. That’s how I know that I am blessed with you by my side. Makes so much sense when you think about it.
I skip you in a beat,
I skip you in my feet.

I find you found where you are found lost,
I am found with you because, because.....

I leave the lights on for you, when you're not home,
when you're out chewing on some juicy marrow bone.
It's hard to describe how I feel;
Feelings get too much,
My head is bound and sensitive to your touch.
I am chaos in a tea-cup,
the wreckage before the storm,
and the siren before the tsunami.
Constant pain, blinds my vision,
My reality,
and I can't help it if,
You don't understand me.
Believe me, it's not e-a-sy.
I am not harmful,
But I leave a quake in the earth,
the math in the after,
the torn in the apart,
Do you think this is easy for my heart?
Chronically in pain,
I do not adjust well to others,
I become shy in the fold,
the awakening in the rude,
the disgruntled in the few,
the impatient in the *****,
the erratic in the words,
the misunderstood in the gesture,
Do you you not see I am confused and unsure?
I'm intelligent enough to know this,
chronically broken apart,
I built myself back together,
the donkey in the *******,
the rough in the diamond,
the sand in the cement,
the best in the very,
the for in the ever,
Do you not think I am at the end of my tether?  
So chronic,
that in judgement you fail to understand,
that as many times as I have been broken,
I rebuilt myself by my own hand.
And as strong and weak as I am,
As tough as I am soft,
I offer my hand and I ask for your love.
I am the colour of skin
the bruise that i left the night before
i am monotonous and drained
as an empty wine bottle on your kitchen floor
I was you
a while before i could see
I was what you never were
what you can never be
I am the hair
that you pull before you cry
I am the colour of nightshade
and your ***** memories floating by
I am hate, i am pain
i am the look on your face
I am worn but new
I am the colour of distaste
I will be
the one you adore
i will be
forever mine my mind torn
I was the end
of the burn on your lit cigarette
i was the one and only
the one you regret
I am the girl
who will question always why
I am the girl
who will fustrate, who will throw, who will cry
I am the one
that never gives in, gives up
i am the one
that you drank from a old china teacup
I am now
something rare, something lit and flyaway
I am now
what you call your something, your someday
I am the colour of sunshine
breathtaking skies blue
I am the colour of your breath
i am the colour of you......
She said to me I tasted like a overripe cherry,
I told her she tasted like dust.
I told her she tasted like a storm, an electrical one,
I told her it wasn't good weather for setting off,
But she still smiled and unfurled a sail.
She told me I didn't listen and I sounded like the ocean,
I told her, her words were like a black hole
And I didn't have an airlock,
I told her she was the tears after a hurricane,
And her words were like dead leaves on the ground,
But still she talked like she was the universe.
She told me I loved like i like always letting go,
I told her I'm not a lifeboat,
I told her I'm an anchor that hasn't be winched up,
And I dragged along the murky bottom of her love,
And I was too strong to keep going,
And still she said she loved me when I'm weak.
She said I ****** like it was going out of style,
I told her that this wasn't the trend,
That I was old-fashioned and sonnets cried in bed,
Are worthless as the air they're written on,
I told her that ******* wasn't the problem,
And still she laid there bare and pen in mouth.
I said I am not a conditional type of person,
And she said I'm not a red pen waiting to mark your wrongs,
She said I wasn't good enough to waste the time on,
Trying to put together in her mind,
Because love should be easy.
So I said no, but it shouldn't be this hard.
I watched her lips get wet, as she took a drag from her cigarette. I held her close when I heard her shout, because she finally knew, I had her figured out. Don’t be so pretty, don’t be so coy. Don’t walk away, don’t act like a boy. Don’t question my feelings or make me sore. Don’t, just please don’t, walk out of that door. I want to be the only person, in. Your. room. I want to feel your eyes on me. I want to be the one that you can only, desire. Kissed by a moment. And if you can convince me I am pretty, I will marry you.

So many rules, too many ways to be right. Oh, but please, don’t get me so wrong. Don’t interrupt, don’t guess who I am, or come on too strong. You may not understand that I am myself. Please don’t let my deficit be your burden of wealth. I just want you. To love yourself. Too much to ask? Too much to grasp. I want to feel your arms around me, feel your heart against me. And know, that you are there. No two bit stamp on the back of my hand, a fleeting night under the sheets. No, convince me I am pretty, and I will walk with your shadow til the sunsets.

I am not your buddy, I don’t facilitate second-hand-emotion. I do David Bowie, I do listening to the rain, I do dancing drinking, I do living without shame. And of these words that have been said before, keep gett-ing, left behind with the close of a door. Isn’t it shame you tried so very hard? Clouded, misjudged, may be a bit plus-****? I hate apologies, or the shame of self defeat, where is your fight? Please ground your feet. I am getting bored of myself; the intricacies of freedom hidden in a secret box. Convince me I am pretty, for your are the one who only would know.

I watched her eyes drift to the side, as she held back tears she could never cry. I held her closest when she pushed me away, and when she told me to leave, I made myself stay. Do be you, do smile when you can, do hold my hand, do act like the man. Do make me talk, don’t make me talk ****, just make me realise, you love me just even a little bit. And when I convince myself I am pretty, I’ll be fine, just fine.
I can't hear your bassline
and i can't hear you clap in time
I tried to understand your rhythm
but someone deleted the rhyme
You have blank ink
and your hair is a mess
you'd never look at me,
i'd never see you undress

i'd hear all your silences
and intepret them in my dreams
Then i'd get it so wrong
and we'd unravel at the seams
I'm not the one
that you want back like you want more
i'm not the one
the thing you are searching for

I see you smilin
and it blows my ambitious mind
all is erased and i laugh,
and all my seams unravel and wind
you shouted through a snowstorm
and i caught your words on my tongue
but alas alack dear you
i am not the one

i read you with affection
i draw your heart on my sleeve
and that i watch as it melts slowly
and the ink begins to grieve
you see what i cannot
i think in colours and words
you think in bubble wrapped clingfilm
and sing silently as a bird

your flight is in rapture
you carry a weightless air
i stop looking for the moment
because you are not here nor there
my mind is colours awash
with thoughts of what is an illusion
its not the rhyme but the rhythm
that gives me this confusion

I am on the gravel
my toes drag behind in the dust
i see what you think you want
its not true love its lust
A bountiful treasure, you told me
this is what i am and are
but i saw your kind once
and you are no shooting star

your eyes look upon me
like you think you know somethin of my mind
but i got fed up with your waiting
your too cruel to be kind
a labyrinth of a maze
is what you seem to be
a mystique within a riddle
i can't figure you out, you see

i thought you were a rainbow
i thought you were the wind
it turns out i was blind
it was me that had sinned
and in all of this whirlwind
this wizard of oz daydream
i pick at my stitches
and unravel at the seam

i thought you were a diamond
but you were just cut glass
a thing of beauty once
now just a piece of ***....
Dear John,
There are things about my life,
that are not understood,
not by me,
not by anyone.
It's the emergency room on a tsumani night,
It's the silent room after surgery failed,
It's the silence in the dark after everyone has gone to bed.
It is not the calm after the storm,
It is the wreckage in the aftermath,
It is the middle of the tornado.
I am the bandit on the highway of love,
I am the runaway bride from hell,
I am the scared, the fear, the innocent child.
Dear John,
I am the carer in the giver,
and I want to give you all i can give,
I want to give you all that life can give,
But i need to give myself air to breathe,
like a fine red wine,
that i would down like it was moonshine.
Dear John,
I am the old oak tree faltering in the breeze,
I am the wheat sheaf, tall and ready to be cut down,
I am the end of the beginning.
But i feel you and it feels me,
and i am so involved but so distant,
I am blue and i am black,
but yet i am bright and i am shiny.
Dear John,
Please be the ***** socks on my bedroom floor,
Please be the voice that tells me to stop using the hot water,
Please be the cup that doth runneth over.
This and that, this and that, this and that.
Dear John,
be the moisturizer on my skin,
be the sublime and the settled,
be the heaven and show me the light there.
I wish i could peel off my skin,
and let you all in,
and see the beauty beneath and my wonderous treasures within.
Dear John,
don't give up,
I am here,
though i am not.
This is me, Rachael.
I would die from a papercut and blame it on the finger.
I would argue with an eraser if the words didn't look right.
I would tell the moon to shine all day just to ******* the sun.
I see colours in my imagination; my dreams are wild and beyond comparison.
I tend to love too hard and quickly get burnt by the one I flew so high for.
I read too much and believe in past lives.
I forgive but don't forget.
My trust is willing but protects my heart like a guardian of fate.
I will be silent when someone talks ****, because I don't take fools gladly, and a wise man never responds to defecation of verbal ignorance.
I willingly argue my point in my head til you know I have analysed my response.
Nothing is taken lightly.
I would argue that the road is really hard and quite weary, and curse my boots as they hit the hallowed ground.
I am impetuous, I rush in, I seek thrill and danger.
Hedonism is my game; I play deftly with an air of mastery.
I am sensitive. As skin is to the weather. A gust of harsh wind could ******* away.
This is me; only a slight composition of who I am, and what I am made of.
And I make no apology.
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