She had teeth like razors, to cut you apart, and to make you bleed,
With this blood she took her tongue,
Her tongue was like a sword, one long frenzied blade of words,
That carved delicious and sharp sweet words,
Her veins coursed with uncut diamonds,; she bled like a queen.
Her arteries filled her body with imploding stars,
She electrified your very touch,
For when she grew in lust, her blood became so bright,
Her body felt like an explosion,
An vicious flow of lava pouring out of her skin,
Cooling to anew her very armour that held her together.
Her brain was a black hole, you'd vanish into her,
You'd be ****** in, by her very being....
Like a fire, you'd stand too close, til it ran low,
And you'd rush to fuel her, so that this moment didn't turn into ashes.
Her eyes were like the bluest skies, like a safe summers day,
Where you could lay and watch out for oncoming clouds,
And be on guard for storms in the distance
On her fingertips, love is carved into the whorls of the skin,
The lightest touch, and you'll be healed.
She is medicine and your cure.
Her body exudes light from beneath her skin,
She is the one you leave home to look for, for the light,
To leave home to fight for, for the light to remain,
And she is the light that you come home to.
Her caress fills you with safety, and belonging,
Fulfilling your emptiness, she becomes a blanket,
Long lost in your childhood.
And though she can howl in the night,
And run through the trees like the earth belongs to the soles of her feet,
You'll wake in the night, smiling, knowing she'll come to, you.
Her vivacious smile, with razor blade teeth,
Is a dangerous delightful sight,
You know you'll be cut open, and put back together.
And her lava skin that explodes like a thousand stars combusting,
Under the weight of your very gaze,
Is a feeling of soft renewal gently warmed by her fire.
And her heart, her heart,
is a thousand shores,
You look for in the storm,
When you are lost,
And can't see the light of home.

Maybe i am going insane,
and nobody notices,
because they're all kinda crazy too.
But not my crazy.
It's said that everyone is on a road to somewhere,
so don't be upset if someone is not walking with you.
But i am tired, and i am lost,
and these feet are weighing me down,
my mouth, it voices abuse, that my ears, can't handle,
my brain is my noose,
my hands seek refuge from listlessness of not being held.
My eyes are tired, they weep tears of nothingness
because my road is being paved
and i must walk it anyhow, without you
And how i miss those moments,
when i had you with me,
those few fragile moments when our paths collided.
And i am sorry i fell apart
because i couldn't bare another person walking with me
because i was so used to being alone.
And how i miss you, and your words
and your conversation, and i could watch your mouth move,
forever.
I can't look back because its too hard to remember
but i know i miss you,
and my brain is heavy from it all
and my heart is wrapped in sticky tape
and i blu-tacked your name to the back of my hand
so i would never forget you, and i am scared to forget, you.
But you were not my crazy, some other kind, but not mine
and maybe i am going insane
but not your kinda, insane...
so i had to walk away,
for my sanity, what is left of it, tagged me on the back, and said 'it's time'.
Still my hand hangs listless, waiting for your touch,
but my arms know there will be no holding you tonight.
Oh god, i cry, but i don't believe in such things..
Funny old thing, in this world, love,
because it comes and goes, at a cost,
and its why my head hangs low from all the insanity that my heart has brought to the table,
in loving you.

There is a boy i know,
inside the body of a man.
A Great Man.
A Man that has know the follies and endearment of love, dishonestly, mistrust and pain.
And this Man is a Knight.
He is not in shining armour.
He has been beaten many times in his quest, for love.
This man is my past, my present and my future.
He is the twin i never had.
We are so identical that our quests are forged from the same steel.
Alike in both identity, valour and honour,
we feel, every instrument against our chest.
And beneath the very skin of our shirts,
beats the same rhythm, the same beat to the same drum;
we are love, and love we do become.
He is my saviour, my leige, my mission and my lifes work.
He is without any shadow of a doubt my conscious worry, and my passionate war;
You, who i write this for, are my akin to my baby, my constant, my blood.
You are, by far, the best man i have ever met,
not a day goes by, that i wish i had done something more,
to help you,
in your growing up,
and your strife in love, your life and future thoughts.
You are a man, now, my boy.
You are always here, in between my ribcage, underneath my armour,
beneath my beat.
You make me proud to even be by your side,
and nothing with change that,
nothing,
no job, no woman, not decision or choice,
nothing.
Do not forget, you are not alone in these battles,
we are together, as one,
and i will stand my ground for you til the days end,
and the sun rises again.

She is not the cure to your cancer, that toxic heartbeat you hold so wearily, that blackened hand you hold so scarily. Tick tock sound of the clock. And yet her heart beats on in your song, her smile is sat down and made to wait a while. She’s an excellent choice for you my dear, if only you wasn’t so queer. If you only didn’t sit in my seat, if only you didn’t make the tea, if only you were a bit more like me. Like you, like you, like, who? You? A mirrored image is that what I have become, I am not here, I am not one, with you. You want to see yourself in my smile, to make me sit and play with you for a while...for this time shall too pass my sweet. I meet your hands with a full on gaze, a full on face, I am not what I seem, I am not what you chose to taste.

What a spectacle, too powerful to behold and yet you are beheld in her grace, you can see the mark you leave upon her face. Her novice ways to you are upsetting, you have too much time to let her forget sin, and happiness leaves a crown upon your face? You laugh, she laughs, you sigh, she cries, you swoop, she falls, you live, she dies. Embers burn brightly in her eyes when you talk sweet nothings in her ears, If I were to understand you would it make much sense? Does god look for you around corners in dark bars? Her sweet breath becomes tainted in the morning light, you watch as she searches for dreams untold. She was never pure, never here, never an apology. Oh woman of mine, sweet divine being, I will not betray your trembling sight.

There is beauty in the fact that you are not there. Left behind, she looks to the sky, learns to live, learns to die, without. You. Heartbeats shatter and fumble around your ears, colours explode to your left and there she stands, to your right. Job done. Move on. Left, left, left, right, left. Full stop. C’est suffit. She gave you something from the folds of her dress and the car rides down the dusty path. Heralded by a greater cause, no with, what or who for’s, no silence begging for attention, you are preceded by your own detention. Beauty, beautiful, beatific, be still, sweet girl around my head. Hold my hand, let me walk with you by my side. You are my introduction to be made.

Crisscrossed in the night, arms and legs are making shadows in the moonlight, sign language only lovers can hear, noises that escapes from even the most pursed lips, hits my fingertips; drag me with you, tear my throat as you hear me. Sigh. A midnight dancer , she misses the spot on which you had her stand, lost the grasp of her amazing hand, and by my sight, by which I see, she is a most superb delight, the most gracious flight you ever did heed. And let my love be born from holding you in my arms, from when I watch you and you, in return cannot see; your ignorance is that of the most majestic kind, your internal war I can see in your person, you are not a battle scar, though a battlefield is more apt to the tune you dance to. Your lonlieness is sometimes too large to bear, my back is small and weak, my hands only hold your heart first, your tears must fall, fall, failing, to the ground.

Smile. You make me. Dance, I for you. Hear, the night sounds of your dreams. Touch, my heart with your words. Write, me a sonnet made of lies and imagination. Paint, me a picture. Fire, in my eyes, for you. Burn, burn, burn out the night sky. The stars have all combusted and dropped out of the sky for this. Me, I am acceptable in the shadows. You, play a violin unaccompanied to your nightmares. We, make this our own. Belief, a hope i have for you.

You make me lose my words.
They seep out of me into the floor,
and hide under the boards with the dust and mice.
Candyfloss tongue, sandpaper throat.
Hurricaine thoughts, tsunami feelings.
I have lost my voice,
It lives in the air between our faces,
and gently settles on your lips.
Drowning eyes, burning ears,
volcano hands, earthquake chest.
I have lost my words,
they have dripped down my body,
and lay in the deepest part of me.
Grounded feet, rooted thighs,
stormy hands, falling breath.
I lose my words, my thoughts, my feelings, my actions, my response,
mmmyy iinnttreppid, stammering, heart,
in you.

Reminds me of time before i was even began. Before i even had to understand, before i knew what i had to lose to love again. Before the times i had to learn a lesson, before the games. When i was new and shiny and not rather cool. When i wore my hair down, and couldn't care less about people like you. When i never knew what beauty was or thought about when i would kiss you next. Before i would waste all my heart on a girl who i would sit up all night and txt. Before the days i would take off work to mend a broken heart. Before i met that girl would dance with me in the dark. When i knew to be lost was never a good thing, where i broke my heart but wore her ring. When the irony was lost and i was drowning and suffocating in the pressure of it all.

I would look for every crack, for every little fissure of light. I wouldn't look for the good and bad, or expect the moon, the world or the sun. I never told all those girls 'you're the one'. Looking back now with a smile on my face, and a sadness in my heart. I think of how i really played my part. Which role was i to stumble upon, what would be 'our' song? Reminds me of a time when i never really listened to begin with. I was never really fully understood. I would talk forever and a day and you would never really understand. Remember those girls who were to cool to hold my hand. Or the one i used to watch whilst she slept, or the one who used to weep in her sleep; the one who swore her love, the one who wanted me but had to let go, and the one who just went and stole the whole ****** show. Remember, remember the one i talked to for over a year? Well she was just a daydream, it was to appear.

I was oh so pretty, and so very amazing and nice. So ****** perfect but just a little too good at being me. Memories. Reminds me of a time before. We talked the whole night through. I made more effort than you ever knew. Tried so hard. Gave up twice before. Once i just straight walked away through the front door. Reminds me of a time when i finished her sentences and she finished mine. Thought she was my soulmate and we were forever entwined. Of a time when i laughed just because it was funny and i cried because it was sad. And how time changes and how it seems like the end of the world. Each time i fell, i thought she was my world. All throughout forever. Reminds me of a time before. When i was younger, more naieve, willing and so sure. How i became trapped and guilty, shunned and broken. How i rose like a phoenix. Winds of change; at my best i was deranged. I was to pity the fool i became with each time, i would sit here and write a new rhyme.

Reminds me of a time before i even began, to become who i am today.

Sometimes, i think,
'if i died, how long would it take for someone to miss me?'
And that's a true thought.
It lays heavy on my soul.
Because life is heavy.
It is suffocating,
Like someone is sitting on my chest,
not an elephant, that's silly,
No,
an actual human being,
one that i love,
but is content
with watching me die,
and probably being busy with, "something",
whilst i struggle to live.
So,
Let's talk about that heaviness,
how it creeps in,
sometimes you don't know it has a pulse,
that it's something actually living,
a parasite that you grow to love,
stockholm syndrome.

Oh man,
people,
are,
heavy.
They think their weight on a scale
bares their true worth,
not knowing that their
wearied shoulders carry the burden of truth.
The heaviness that you bring with you,
through life,
that you carry with you like a dead body,
dragging by the ankle,
behind you,
for who you think you should have been,
and a boulder you push in front of you,
with your other hand,
for everything you're trying to be,
whilst struggling, choking for air,
whilst dragging your legs through invisible tar,
whilst trying to keep your eyes from drowning in sand,
and all the while your heart
covered in lead,
your **** beautiful, ****** heart,
keeps beating.
Oh, man,
The anxiety of living through this,
the beautiful exquisite torture,
the utter privilege,
of living a heavy life.

Oh man,
how,
heavy,
people,
are,
and how they do not know how to stop
looking,
at the numbers,
on the scale.

I'd like to tell you i love you,
tho i am not sure you would understand,
i missed you for a while and forever
i'd like to hold your hand
I'd like to tell you i love you
tho i am not sure what the words implie
I turned to you in the night
i turned to you with a laugh and a sigh
its not that i fear or i'm scared
Its not simplicity of words or emotion
and its not that by speaking the words
they would lose their quality and devotion
I'd like to tell you i love you
but really its not that i think you don't know
that regardless of who you are
you are already aware of how i love you so

lost and wandering with out a story

a midnight lampshade stretched out over glory

not tricks or tracks up my sleeve

no more wanting, no more to grieve

a silent not darkness has swallowed my skin

sallowed and sickly the light moves within

and deep in the counscious lying there

is my soul flying naked and bare

never wrote more truer story of romance and sin

and it got thrown out with the cat food in the bin

and now it is different the air smells alive

i can feel her beneath me making me drive

and there are no words, tho i use far to many

for every time i screamed **** i found a new penny

and she was there all along just under my pen

i'd already written about her in everything back then

and oh what is love, i hear the bells cry

it was not those girls who chose you to die

for their misfortunes and weakness and what the **** evers

i am neat, petite, i keep it together

i kept myself for her tho i never knew her before

she was number 3 behind the door

i knew before she was there, she was my wife

i knew that she was an end to my lesbian strife

too many women to **** me around to many times

too many the focus of my love rhymes

what for? whatever...what the ****...?!!

sssshhh...i even tried to write one a book!!

oh i can laugh now, oh i can laugh at myself

who was i back then, what was with the red pen?

and now she is my eyes, my heat, my kiss

every moment is a feelin of bliss

she's everything i searched for without knowing

and every night in the wind its blowing

her name, the air is breathless when she is here

and yes i have cried a salty tear

for all the thousand pieces of my heart i have given out

she is worth a million more, with no doubt

and i am sad for those who cannot feel like i do

i am sorry for telling all those girls 'i love you'

because it was not real, i'm sorry it was something else

maybe something that carried some sort of wealth

they were not even close to how my garden grows

how could i be so blind to what was right under my nose?

oh my sweet sweet girl, oh my sweetest love

there is nothing else i can give you but all of this

and my arms have fallen inside out for you....

I weigh myself on these scales as I’m keen for you to know I exist. I wanted you to answer my letters, realise that these words I write with dedicated perfection and chardonnay are for. You. I wanted to be your only to exception to the rule. I wanted to be your fool. I wanted to be. Just me. And that was to be enough, but the road was too rough. Drowning in pity, suffocating in sin. My words were too pretty and delicate. Worthless to the deaf ears they fell upon. My tears, my tears they fall wasted to the ground. Ravaged by my mis-communicated sound. The way I gave my body to you. I let you in. I let you feel my grief and you buried your way in. Deceitful you. Beautiful you. My life, my soul, what happens in heaven now?

I thought too many times I would be forgiven. This person was too much for even you to take. I kept falling. I kept going too fast and not using the brake. I thought I had finally landed, grounded myself from this stupid obsession. That someone once made me feel I gave the wrong impression. Too needy, too weak, too vunerable, too loud. Wore stupid clothes that stood out from the crowd. I gave too much then held it all back. Click, click, click, ******* clack. Where were you when I called your name. When I took you and held you in vain. There was my shame. There was my guilt and pride. Took you along for a ride? Are you sure my dear? Are you sure? Fed up of being told what I am worth waiting for. Yet I would make a pilgrimage for you.

Faster and harder braver than before. But you never liked that. You showed me the door. My light too bright, too shiny, too new. I was overall, too much, for you. For your highly expectations I was bound to fail. Just one small girl in an overpowering world of you. This power, this lowly pleasure, of giving you your due and then to hear your whatever. I am lost, I am lost, I am lost. I am bound by your words by their very cost. I never expected to borne to this, I thought I could just get on without your redemption. Lies and lies and more from your hand. This is not my world, your ideas are too un/planned? Who are you, who were you back then? To tell me that I am not right, I need to change from within. No. What? Your preaching’s are confusing to even the most intelligent man.

My body, my life. My heart, your strife. Not done with everything, you wanted more. Hell over high water, you threw me up on the shore. Please, oh please, oh pretty little please, wait, hang on a minute whilst I fall to my knees. Let me know when you’ve made your decision. Thanks. I’ll just wait a little lon-ger. Tell me. How does your faith instill such emotion? It’s all false love and devotion. Popular back in the day, the 80’s I may say, back when kids were high and it was easier back then, easier for me to write without a red pen. So you invented love as your folly, to prey on the weak, the young and the sought after. So you could fill your life with the ***** of your laughter. Ever-y-thin-g is so long and drawn out; be wild, be shy, be quiet. Don’t shout, so LOUD. At me. I need to hear what exactly you are telling me. To be.

I would not want, to die,
without seeing the breath escape your lungs as you sleep like a child,
after a hard days work.
I would not want to leave this world,
without firstly seeing your eyes as they take in the  beauty you perceive in the majesty,
of your work.
I would not want to exhale my last breath,
without feeling the ever so delicate parts of your skin that keep your body together,
the one which takes my breath away.
I would not want to believe in my last moments,
that i had missed the exalted taste of your lips in a moment of passion,
for me, just as i am, as you see me.
I would not want to die.
Without first seeing your tears escape their boxes and forage their way out of your mind,
whilst you let me hold you, and catch them on my skin.
I would not want to see the light,
because i have guaranteed that i have seen this in you,
a candle in the window to light the way home.
I would not want to close my eyes for the last time,
in case they forgot the very memory of your face, and mine,
as we made ourselves in to the day and night of the world.
I would not let my body surrender to the dark,
without letting you know i had already surrendered to you,
body, mind and soul.
I would not let them take me away,
without knowing that the hand i had to hold, held me in a way,
that protected me without even wielding a sword.
I would not want to die,
without seeing you write better than you speak,
in legible handwritten desires of love and questions of life, and remarks of beauty.
I want not want to go into that place,
without knowing what the world i have lived in, was with you at my side,
and together we made a life of glory out of suffering and pain.
I would not want to go to that place,
because heaven wherever, or what that is, is right here,
with you in my mind, darling, and i cannot believe there is anything,
such a place anywhere else in mind, description or form,
because if i should die,
i would know that heaven already exists,
in you.
Then i would, go,
because i have known that all that life had to give me,
was given,
in sheer force, power, mystery, majesty and beauty,
by you,
lying there with your eyes closed, and breathing as if,
it was heaven you were already in.
My darling if i should die,
know this,
you were the one thing that kept me alive,
through all these things we call 'times',
and without knowing it,
you gave life to death.

Anarchic dreams of blind faith....
I want to be your starting line; the last bullet from your gun. I want to feel your chest against my back, I want to be your one. I want to be the only one on your stage, under your spotlight; I want to be your morning, your noon and your darkest night. I can’t be distracted by you even for second; for your very smile with your very mouth, makes my heart beckon. I want to see you straighten your tie, and fix your crooked hat, I want to see you be with me, I want to see us looking just like, that.

I don’t want no drama, I just want some fun and laughter, let’s not worry about the future, let’s not worry about the happy forever, after. Just let’s take this moment, and let us run. Take a ribbon from my hand, twist it, plait it, wrap it round your heart. Let’s just not care, and let that be the start. Don’t leave me to die within your arms, don’t leave me dancing without you. Lets take pictures til our batteries die, and let the night thereafter ensue. I want you to be my one, I want to be your golden hour, your only moonlit forest flitting sun.

I want to be so wrapped up with you. Enveloped in your arms and legs so tightly, so that I can smell, your scent. So in 10 years time, when I am stood in the supermarket and you are no longer around, I will smell that smell and think you are stood right beside me, holding my hand. I want to be so entangled with you, that every time you leave, I feel deflated, depleted and dramatically fall to the floor crying to the stars, for your return

I want you to be here, to feel my heart beat for you. I want you to be here, to be here just for you. And when I look across the room, I know that you are there, that you are looking at me, looking with that deep intense passionate state. I want to be your full stop, the point from which you do not pass, I want to be the ending chapter, the one, the only, the last. I want you to read this, this nonchalant article of faith you cannot withstand, I want you to read this, look at me, and take my hand.

Honey liquor. the sweetest taste on my lips,
to fall down to the inner sanctum, and rest,
beneath my chest in a silent humming desire.
I feel your breath across my teeth, as it takes in my edges,
the curved outline of my body, plays with the candlelight,
that was so sweetly lit for this moment.
In a flash, like a 1950's photography picture,
the want, turns to rage, to abandonment of what lays before you,
I lay before you.
You breathe me in.
You take me in.
You leave my skin with goosepimples, and i am not cold.
I want to roar, but i am lost with out my mouth,
as you hold it in fearful gaze that I might just breathe,
you, in.
You following my veins from my neck to my wrists,
you count the beats of my blood, with your ears,
pinned back, with your teeth white and sharp,
feared by the candlelight, they do not move, like my body.
I writhe and sink below you,
your hand is on my wrist, and my arm is locked behind me,
I am pinned,
I am put upon,
and yet, i have nowhere to go, but my mind is running from you.
I wait for you to take me,
an indeterminate amount of time passes as i look at you,
with your eyes closed,
taking your time, with your lips pursed and your chin turned,
just so.
And i feel the liquor burn within my chest,
it drips down each breast and across my navel,
as you nip the scant flesh of my inner thighs.
It is quick, it is swift,
the breath i held is exhaled through an open mouth,
a silent howl in a wood-less room,
and a den has been made.
I am not here anymore,
I am within you, as you are within me.
I am breathe, as you are the air.
There is suffocation as i come too quickly and i can't control my mouth;
It utters words in religious overtones;
'Let this be my Sanctum, OH, MY GOD'.
I am fixated by the sight of you,
my body breaks into a millions pieces and dances through the languid,
heaving sweat of the dormant room;
I watch my fingertips pass me by,
I can no longer see your face,
You have braced me for the final *******,
The Ultimate Fix.
And my legs crumple as quickly as your body does.
You are silent in your respite in having me,
there is no tangible evidence of love having taken place.
And sweet honey liquor burns at the back of my throat,
as i exhale and howl to the room, the air, the woods;
for in the space between the light there lies within some air.
To love a wolf, one must have to fight,
to love a wolf, one must have to forsake all,
and be reborn anew and to cry.
For to love you, you have to take me.
And i will drink the sweet liquor,
and retreat to the sanctum within, with a smile on my face,
a burning in my chest, and a tear in my eye.
For to love a wolf, one must be willing to die.

I can't hear your bassline
and i can't hear you clap in time
I tried to understand your rhythm
but someone deleted the rhyme
You have blank ink
and your hair is a mess
you'd never look at me,
i'd never see you undress

i'd hear all your silences
and intepret them in my dreams
Then i'd get it so wrong
and we'd unravel at the seams
I'm not the one
that you want back like you want more
i'm not the one
the thing you are searching for

I see you smilin
and it blows my ambitious mind
all is erased and i laugh,
and all my seams unravel and wind
you shouted through a snowstorm
and i caught your words on my tongue
but alas alack dear you
i am not the one

i read you with affection
i draw your heart on my sleeve
and that i watch as it melts slowly
and the ink begins to grieve
you see what i cannot
i think in colours and words
you think in bubble wrapped clingfilm
and sing silently as a bird

your flight is in rapture
you carry a weightless air
i stop looking for the moment
because you are not here nor there
my mind is colours awash
with thoughts of what is an illusion
its not the rhyme but the rhythm
that gives me this confusion

I am on the gravel
my toes drag behind in the dust
i see what you think you want
its not true love its lust
A bountiful treasure, you told me
this is what i am and are
but i saw your kind once
and you are no shooting star

your eyes look upon me
like you think you know somethin of my mind
but i got fed up with your waiting
your too cruel to be kind
a labyrinth of a maze
is what you seem to be
a mystique within a riddle
i can't figure you out, you see

i thought you were a rainbow
i thought you were the wind
it turns out i was blind
it was me that had sinned
and in all of this whirlwind
this wizard of oz daydream
i pick at my stitches
and unravel at the seam

i thought you were a diamond
but you were just cut glass
a thing of beauty once
now just a piece of ***....

I felt it, i had it, 16 times down the road, i had it. cut like ***** clean on ice down the back of my throat. Tickled my tongue with wishes of lust. 34 days crashed into 3 and half hours of manic words, thrown out in to the air accompanying articles of clothing i wished we'd never worn. I cut it open early, i could smell the beauty of the fight that was to come. I would not protest, because 'thou does protest too much' you would say as you clamped my hands behind my head and threw me down like a linebacker making his 100th play with the cheerleader watching from the sidelines. I threw pictures at you, ones i had taken when you weren't looking, ones that you wished juliette lewis had been in the background, sashaying some old country moves. I found eyelashes in places i had never felt before, counted a thousand wishes off the palm of your hand.

Zipped me right back up like some old vintage boots, turned me around six times and downed your beer and told you to try it just once, and i would kick your ***, bruce lee style circa 1982. I lost my lines, found them under your footprints, lost my voice and found it imprinted underneath the lipstick you left on my inner thigh. Breathless i watch you walk towards me, like a mirage, like you were swimming underwater, fully clothed. And whoooo-weeee HOLY cow, i gave you one more over-the-shoulder-knock-me-out-backwards-she-was-the-rumour-i-tol­d-ya-about stare, made you wonder eh? Made you think i was something else eh? Never think i am anything more than what you think i am. I wore those boots, i frikkin owned those boots, and **** i looked GOOD.

This is a moment. How great is this? I am not waiting around for it, for you, because waiting means i have lost time. I would rather dream of you, idolise our future, walk around like i owned the place, hold my head high and make nuclear footprints down weary roads. Every day, is like this to me, i am not perception, i am not thought, or theory or idea or time....i am no-ones government.I bent high and low, warped and wrapped my face around forces i could not understand, stretched my arms wide open around the world and its sons-of-a-*******, and it still didn't fit, so threw the ****** off.  My heart is tattooed on my arm, slightly above my scar from that second-time-round-relationship that got me nowhere, but i cut it out, that's me, that's how my love rolls; thats why my love rocks; bad *** high roller, floating, fighting-til-it-dies, beautiful awesome heart.

So i packed up with my cigarettes and my phone in my back pocket, met you at the car with a bottle of JD and two limes. I thought you looked too good, your hair like that, and your half smile. I wanted to make you a movie star of local proportions, so that the credits would hold your name and mine together in lights, and local boys would be too scared to ask your name. I made you a cd, sat with my camera and took pictures of the places you said you hated, watched as your collarbone played hide and seek with your hair, your mouth moved to songs you didn't know. 16 times i turned, 16 times you got me, i had you at that. So i took off my socks and shoes and got ready for the drive of our lives, because the needle was better than the reality.

I felt you kiss the back of my neck,
there was nothing there,
just a lack of respect.
And somewhere in your illicit, dulcet tone,
I found the sweetest sympathy of home,
and i found myself walkling back to you.
I heard your voice,
I felt my pain,
I whisphered, a thousand times the same,
Thoughts drifting through my head..
Is this really us?
Are we not dead?
And still i reply with a smile on my face
that nothing you can do will erase,
and with my sweetest tipped monotone
i wipe my hands and make for home.
And how i wish, this was not me or you,
it wasn't something you'd do,
that i could just be there and never far,
never following that elusive star.
And a thousand times i scream your name,
but this is not me
i am not the same,
Every breath i give, heavy and lost,
I gave up your kiss
and felt the cost.
And my head is weary, my hands are tired
my thoughts drift
exacting and wired.
I expected less-little, no more...
and still your breath upon my neck,
I drop my head and close my eyes
forgive myself and all those i despise
Me, us, them and you
there is nothing to prove,
nothing to do, no running away
let me learn to walk before i learn to stay.
And with each brusied moment, each repetitive tone
i take my words to worship at home
as i have no disfigurement, no-one can see this loss
but i wish there was something
but there are no what if's, what now or buts,
there are no scars, there are no cuts,
there is no wonderment or lust
I just wanted to take you here, take you there
hold your hand
feel the weight of your stare
I swallow my breath, i sing your name
i dance in circles around you
and still i'm the same
and how can i end this?
what is appropriate at this time?
I tell the truth, i swallow my rhyme
and on bended knee, dirtied and torn
i forge through the night
close my eyes
and dream of you, and being reborn

I don't find limiting myself with a title,
There are no boxes left for me to fit in,
Or burst out of....
I find it's excitingly horrifying to be,
This lost.
There's a similar difference between identity and persona,
I am what I am, am I?
What am I?
Do you think the men I have only half loved,
But stroked their meek egos of,
And the woman I have cowered at,
As they screamed my name,
Know what I am,
Is not who I am?
There is a solace to be found in being wanted;
Are you the one they fall to on a late night,
When they are alone and drunk?
What about when their beds are cold?
When they cannot see you because, they are blinded,
By their quest to find themselves more, and you,
And you,
My dear,
Oh my sweet you,
Who is no one in this world,
Are a literally stepping stone in under their feet,
As you wish to be a moon in their stars.
What they don't tell you,
About surviving trauma when your brain is developing,
Is that your world turns to opposites,
Chaos is home
Drugs are home
Hate is home
Fear, is home;
Here secreted beneath my pallid skin,
I try to find them all a home,
Knowing I'll never find mine.
If self care and therapy was literal exercise,
I could bench press all of you, and more,
And save you all;
My motivation to not be broken is stronger than my will to die,
And they'll never know that,
As they try to break me,
Over and over, and over,
And over again.
Everyone's broken.
No sorry, everyone has cracked edges,
Worn
Rusty
Mishandled a few times
Repainted
Cracked
Not broken, slightly damaged.
We, the ones filled with gilded light, and songbirds,
We know the ******* difference between depression,
And eternal internal sadness,
From not understanding love, to
Loving EVERYONE
From seeking solace in the extreme,
To running away from arms that seek to confine.
Where for art ******* thou?

We are not here for your pleasure.
But we are.
How could we be, but anything else?

I tired.
Sorry...
I tried.
Men.
Women.
Whisky.
*******.
Driving too fast.
Telling them.
Saving them.
Being everything.
Hating.
Fighting.
Drowning.
Breathing.
Exalting.
Cryi­ng.
Pain.
Pleasure.
Writing

This isn't a shopping list.
It's. Not a bucket list.
It's what we do to survive,
When you're born without love.

If you see my ex girlfriend can you tell her,
tell her i took her t-shirt and ripped it up,
tell her i made something good, **** good out of it;
can you tell her, tell her,
i still have her shelves she left me,
and on the shelves lies a card she wrote for me,
because it reminds me to be strong,
and tell her this card,
even thought it sits on her shelves,
it is no way a regard to thoughts of her, now, still.
Can you tell her,
I threw away all the kitten food i had left over,
I took the kittens to a new home,
because they would be better with someone else,
i thought, that was for the best,
can you tell her that?
Can you tell her that,
I miss her, but i don't mourn her,
I don't care to feel anything for her anymore,
as i look at the pictures,
i left of us, messing around,
in the park,
the two most beautiful girls we knew.
Can you tell her it took a year and another girl to get over her?
Can you tell her,
it was her that made me get over her?
In her hoody as i walked home,
from the night before,
i realised i had cried so many tears for the wrong person,
but i still loved who she was,
can you tell her?
Tell her that i love her and always will,
because there is something inside of me,
that is broken,
broken like a record,
and it never stops, going around, and around,
like she was the record player,
and i was the record,
and she scratched me,
and i was never the same.
And now can you tell her,
tell her that i killed me to love her,
and she should never be afraid to die for someone she loves,
because i want her to know,
that in the midst of all the broken pieces,
i was inside of her, outside of her, and had her,
but i never let her know,
because like a broken record,
i was stuck at the same spot from the last ride.
Can you tell her?
Tell her i think about the times she made me laugh,
and the time she officially asked me out,
and i had no clue,
and i loved her for that.
Can you tell her,
she is missed, and loved,
and though we will never be,
she played me a song i had never heard before,
and i fell in love with the music right then.
Can you tell her?

I remember when we used to sit on the swings, we would laugh and play with the sky. I watched your legs as they flew through the air wanting to touch the unknown, eager to feel freedom from the ground. I remember when we would lie on the grass and feel diamonds in our backs. We never moved and we wore sunglasses because the sun exploded as we turned our heads to talk. I remembered how much I love you, I remembered how I would look at you from the corner of my eye so you wouldn’t see, and wince at your beauty. I remember you being beautiful.

There were many memories to keep and lots to discard. Everyone feels this way, everyone feels lost at what to do. It’s ok, you know, to feel, this, way.  I imagine you thinking of this, as I do of you. There is some old time 50’s tunage seeping through the background to this picture, it spurs me to get to my feet and dance with you. Your hand in mine, feels like I am touching a firework; like there should be a warning label attached to your ***. Whoa girl, do you know what you just did? I am the coyote, you are the roadrunner. You are the music, I am the encore. You are, you are, the be all and end all. You are the night-time that the day awaits. You are the star in my shine.

You make me feel like this is possible, even to write these words makes  my mind blow like a dandelion in a august hurricane. I never knew rumours would grow into whispers. I never knew my heart would ache like you had hit me with a truck, full frontal, BAM. I never knew your lies. I wished I had listened. I wished I had taken the time to not know better. I wished you had taken the time to know me before the cigarettes and the alcohol and the late nights where I wished you would dance with me instead of watching, waiting and seeing. I got lost somewhere, your words lost their meaning.

I wish you a beautiful happy ending, forever ever after

I want to read you,
run my fingers across you
like you are braille and your body is my book.
I do not know you,
but i want to see you, through your skin,
I want to feel your past memories imprinted
on your muscles,
and read them, as i spread your arms apart, like the pages on a well worn book.
I want to sound out the names of the stars,
from behind your back,
whilst running my fingers down the vertabrae of
your spine, counting each one.
I want to feel the creases of your mouth
as you tell me about your day,
and the laughter
and the pain in the creases
in your eyes.
I want to hook my fingers around your ribs,
and read about your heartbeat's
daily news, and stroke the bruises
left there in.
I want to stoke the coals in your *****,
like i am reading a book by the fire,
and i am immersed in you
so badly,
nothing can distract me,
from you.
I want to read you,
with my body,
with my fingertips, and my lips,
and my eyelashes,
and legs,
I want to delve in,
to,
you.
You are the story of my life,
there are the words of my future,
knitted together in the palms of your hands,
in the corners of your smile,
and the pool of your iris.
You are my never-ending book,
I can't wait to open,
sit down and read.

Let go, of the chains that bind you.
Push them in to an overflowing box,
Tie it up with chains,
Lose the keys to the locks.
Take Rejection,
and ***** it tightly in to a ball,
throw it out over the touchdown line,
watch it fly in to space,
like a message in a bottle,
it's a feeling to let go and erase.
Take Fear,
and coax it out in to the sun,
tell it to 'stop now' and 'go no further'.
Take it's hand and place it over your heart.
Make a stand,
bid it farewell,
'dear friend, go to a new land'.
Take Emptiness,
dig it out from the hole,
that lies just beneath your breast,
claw it out with your fingers,
collect in that vest you keep of your ex,
throw it in to the air,
take all the fake glitter and ash,
and say out loud,
'this too shall pass'.
Now please,
Take Your Heart.
Hold it like your newborn child,
coddle it like any new parent would,
hug it so very tight,
to heal the cracks and fissures,
like any new parent would.
And believe, now it's unbound and free,
that this heart is beating,
and say out loud,
'this heart is beating for ME'.
Break these binds and I promise you,
as your heart beats hard and red,
You will become you,
and lie more easily in your bed.


Much love **

I have this scent.

Run around in circles.

Come find me.

Seek me out.

Find me.

I await your hunger.

I await your thunder.

I await your dark eyes.

I await your despise.

I have this scent.

For you.

Come see me.

No-one knows the amount souls I have kissed, for a slice, of a taste of freedom.....

Now I hold my own tongue, lest it should be so rude.

Words are diminished.

'We are Closed' sign eliminates from my lips

Mouth stays dry.

And I remain hungry for tomorrow.

Lest the souls come for me, for now, I remain

Hungry,

and

Free.

I think of you late at night, as I do blood courses through my veins, and my brain turns fuzzy, and my temperature rises, and i feel the familiar call of lust on my tongue.
I want you. Badly. Nothing, will stop me.
And though you and me have died a thousand deaths in our inescapable clutches from the other,
I still stalk you, like you are my prey.
I am desperate.
I am dying.
I am inculpable of my actions.
Each time i capture you, you burn me, you scald me, you tear me, you rip me, you score your name on my chest 17 times with a razor-blade until, now....?
It is just an open wound. For i know you will return.
I am not proud of this. You are of great shame to me.
And You, You come to me, You want me so badly but can't let yourself, and you die a thousand deaths in your mental battles, trying not to want me, and it weakens you each time, the love-me-yes, love-me-nots....
You hold out your hands to me, and I claw my nails into you.
You pull away, You have won, this time.
I have lost today
But i don't feel any pain, just a sweet faint trickle of a  memory, of you being here.
You are my drug, and i am addicted,
and it hurts,
but man,
you feel too **** good.

To be so in love with life,
With you, and then the only You;
Love is to die,
I grieve,
Only to find rebirth,
In learning, I died for, Love,

Within you,
My love, becomes immortalized,
And becomes the unwavering flame of remembrance,
And repentance,
Of the battles I fight, and fought,
And die/d,
for,
Your love.

And still I soldier on.
For,
To die for your love,
Is the most majestic honourable death,
I could ever imagine and crave.

I have blue eyes and racerback vest

a swallow and black heart tattooed on my chest

a girl in black jeans, and a pierced tongue,

reminds me of a time when i was young

listening to music i know i can never play

because i wasn't built that way

i like takin pictures of my friends and their moves

i like to dance to music in any groove

i wanted it all, now its all right here

and i can expect the unknown without any fear

i am nothing without her there

and my eyes i can feel begin to tear

she is my edge, the one i jump upon

(she is my feelin, the whisper in my ****** song)

and i thought better, i thought i had a clue

no, *******, i knew better than you

i told her straight, she is my all

she txt me back, when will you call?

and i thought, jeez, i am founded, i am gently aground

i am not shipwrecked i am now a new sound

and i write these words because i wanted you all to know

that you have watched me burn, reap and sow

and now i have no words that mean more than i love her

thoughts are colours, my speech a blur

and thinking is not the same

i laugh a lot, i have no shame

we danced on the bed and made love on the table

she is my foundation, my east wing gable

flowers fall where before grew a ****

she talked to me and planted a seed

and i was not scared i am now more stronger than ever

i can face my demons whatever the weather

prouder than **** i am of being with this girl

and she is my life, she is my world

i have a skull tattooed on my back and my hip

and secret swirl which a trace with my finger tip

i am found i am now found, i tell thee

i thought i was before but i was still marooned in the sea

so is it real, this?

no its a mother ******* starblazer of a good triple forever sequel

she is mine forever, transformers in disguise

fix up, look smart

come see me baby and tell me a story

like you did the night you held me till i fell asleep

i love you, i, love, you......

There was a man, once, he told me 'you have a wise soul, i can see it in your eyes'. I took his words and held them in my hand, held them til they wore out to dust, and blew away with the wind. It's times like this i tell myself, we're not so wise. I cursed his ****** face. I look up to the horse shaped **** hole of a sky and i wonder where those words, that burned on the back of my eyelids, had flown to. I had seen and been wise, once. I had it written in the night sky as i held hands with strangers and drunk whisky out of old cups. These were the days my friend, ****, why did they have to end?

There is a hole in your eyes, it drowns me to the centre of your be-ing. I will be waiting at home with a pie on the sill cooling for you. I wait for you to come to me with a note in your pocket that says 'these are the days, they will never end'. Someone once told me that we all living on borrowed time, so steal it, take it and run away with it, eat it, stuff it down your trousers, and we'll hide in sewers, you and i. We'll hide until time comes to an end, and we'll eat our words to keep us from starving, and we'll burn our goodbyes to keep us warm.

There is a plant *** in my very core and there grows a lilac, or is it a lily, one can never tell at these times. I feel it growing, its roots, feed their way to my feet. I am ground-ed. I am at one. I am at peace with the earth. My eyelids open and i stare at that horse **** sky and i push out all my obscenities and i cry for the sake of all i am, fall to the floor, that this is not the rest, this is not the, best, that life can give, to me. My arm vicariously feel for something in the wind to cling onto, a wise word or two, something i can turn my hand to? Maybe, this seedling growing inside me, has different ideas, different places to go, wherever the sun faces, i have to be, there. And in the cold of night, i furl into myself, a fetus, of my former self, ready to renew myself for the next rise of the day.

There is beauty in you, i believe that no-one has ever seen. There is a grace from you, that i think your heart exudes. I grab at the air and nothing comes. I lost it all. My eyes, my eyes, my lies, my lust, my longing and my mistakes...burnt and spread across the ground  like ash, underneath my feet. And there you are pulling at the centre of me, drawing me out. There is a rush of wind in the air and selflessly I grab again and again, like a newborn child finding it has arms and hands. I find some words. I find some things. I find some part, of, me. Last thing at night before i close my eyes, i eat my words and keep them, to stop myself from a time i think i might be starved of you.

You know we all live, we all die. But there is something in just being, here, that makes me feel, alive. We can live but can not always be alive. The gravitational pull is inconsequential but the fall is extraordinary in its attempts to pull from me what i cannot lose. I hid those words so deep that it would take a miner a light year to figure out just how to light his torch within me. I hide you from this, i hide you from this, so that you can unfurl and keep me warm when the night has has grown cold from being rejected by the sun. My handsome, son of a gun. You spit bullets as you talk, and i catch all of these, one, by one.

I want him.
Bare backed, muscle clawed, miracles clenched in fingertips.
Bruises on legs, cuts on fingers, and every, other, bone, that ,
Is exposed to nature.
I want him.
Kisses in the morning, lightly snoring, breathless words,
As he sleeps.
Dreaming of better days.
I want him.
Mud crusted fingernails, face flushed, arctic breath,
Head frowned in concentration,
To tell me what he has read.
I want him.
Morning enlived, running abandoned, feet askew,
Eyes are open wide, wider, widened,
To tell me of that I do not see.
I want him.
Dancing enraptured, limbs snaked, head weightless,
Circle turning, arms led to mine, enclosure,
To remind me of what is, safe.
I want him.
Body *****, skinless, shirtless free,
No thing has an ounce of him, no thing,
Except, my want of him.

A could tell you a story,
an epic tale of gigantic proportions,
of heroic endeavours,
where women swooned at my feet,
and men were envious of my secret ways.
I could make you sit,
ears tantalising on fire,
awaiting the blazing crescendo,
of love, romance, abuse and, loss,
and still you would want more.
I could wrap my words around your mind,
and delicately place images,
in your head that you want to see, feel, taste and touch,
of a woman meeting a man,
for the first time, and it lasted in fairytale romance.
I could sit you down,
next to me,
and hold your hand,
look in your eyes,
and give you my world, heaven, hell, moon and stars.
I could give you a story,  
that not all women are beautiful,
and not all men are men,
and maybe you could understand, conceive, accept
what, my story is.....

I know you think,
you're drowning,
But I came to tell you,
Its only a puddle.
Stand up,
You're body needs better,
And your brain needs the oxygen.
Breathe....
Rise...
Weather the storm.

Lost and wandering with out a story
a midnight lampshade stretched out over glory
not tricks or tracks up my sleeve
no more wanting, no more to grieve
a silent not darkness has swallowed my skin
sallowed and sickly the light moves within
and deep in the conscious lying there
is my soul flying naked and bare
never wrote more truer story of romance and sin
and it got thrown out with the cat food in the bin,
and now it is different the air smells alive
i can feel it beneath me making me drive
and there are no words, though i use far to many
for every time i screamed **** i found a new penny
and it was there all along just under my pen
i'd already written about them in everything back then
and oh what is love, i hear the bells cry
it was not those girls who chose you to die
for their misfortunes and weakness and 'what the **** evers'
i am neat, petite, i keep it together
i kept myself for him though i never knew him before
There was a number behind the back door
too many women to **** around too many times
too many the focus of my love rhymes
what for? whatever...what the ****...?!!
sssshhh...i even tried to write one a book!!
oh i can laugh now, oh i can laugh at myself
with a encyclopedia of ****** wealth
That was me? Who was i back then,
What did i correct? What was with the red pen?
and now there is my eyes, my heat, my kiss
every moment is a feeling of bliss
There's everything i searched for without knowing
and every night in the wind its blowing
their name, the air is breathless in here
and yes i have cried many a salty tear
for all the thousand pieces of my heart i have given out
there is to be a million more given, without a doubt
and i am sad for those who cannot feel like i do
i am sorry for repeating all those 'i love you's'
because it was not real, i'm sorry it was something else
maybe something that carried some sort of wealth
they were not even close to how my garden grows
how could i be so blind to what was right under my nose?
oh my sweetest love, my sweetest kiss,
there is nothing else i can give you but all of this,
I begged, stolen and borrowed hearts, black and blue
and my arms have fallen inside out for you....

There is a man, who sits on the bench down the road. During the day.
He looks like there is a world he has seen, touched, tasted and felt, and dreamt to reality, but now he has, nothing and nothing to say.
His skin, is sagged and loose, there is a gullet of old age in his neck.
I turn my head away out of sheer respect.
There are tears in my eyes.
I want to hold his hand and ask him, 'What happened? Did you see her? Did.She.Leave? Do your children still call? Is there anything left of you here, anything at all?'
I sit here and weep and i wonder what he saw.
Whether i had seen it too, and done it and missed it, and missed it because of you?
My eyes they are tired.
More tired than my back or my pain.
They are tired from saving the day, and from walking in constant rain.
I picked out some bullets from old scars from way back when,
there were hit with some fine target practice of fine 'love' writing in the dark with the punch of a pen.
So i sit here, and i wonder if one day he will be me.
Wonder if he sat and wrote little dittys for a world, that he could not see,
for people he never met, for lovers who had up and gone, for those who had no story, no strength, no howl or battle song.
There is this old man, and he sits and he waits.
I want to ask him, Is there a future in this world that he awaits?
And i don't so i sit here and casually think of him awhile.
Before my mind turns to someone else, i can think of and love,
in my own spectacular, unique, philosophic, apathetic style.

I want someone to help me remember the day again,
I want someone to wake me up with a tickling to the chin, and say, 'get out of bed, lazy head'
and when my son runs in, pulls back the covers and shouts 'next stop, the seaside'
I want someone to make me laugh, and see me when i am not laughing,
when i cannot laugh, for there are tears that need to be bled
from my mind, like blood from a rock.
I want someone to drive with me to the places i love best, and hold my hand because
pieces of me are falling apart, and i am an old weather, rusted, old painted house
waiting to fall down, when someone slams a door.
I want someone to hold me in their arms, hold me so hard, so fast, so ******, hard
that my arms will bruise and i will cry with how my heart beats so scared
with being held, that it wishes to burst open, and free the hurricane inside.
I want someone to help me remember how to smile,
and when i am not smiling i am laughing,
and when i am not laughing, you are filling in the words to the old 80's ballads,
i forget the words to.
I want someone to be here, to be right ****** here,
I want someone to move mountains and sink ships, and drag me back from falling off the edge,
and say 'I love you, I love you, I love you' with tears in their eyes,
that they want to drown in should i not believe them.
I want someone to make sure they know, i know, they know what they are doing,
because when i am so ****** lost and lonely, no-one can tell what i might do,
except i don't because i don't, why would i? But they take me and hold me anyways.
I want someone to whisper in my ear, 'it's ok i got this' when i need a hand to hold me
I want someone to say 'listen the birds are chirping and you may never get another moment in your entire life to hear this sound, like this ever again'
I want someone to ask me what book i am reading, and watch my face as i turn into princesses, and damsels and toads, and stallions on which princes ride, to slay the dragon
and watch me runaway with myself.
I want someone to take my side, and realise i am not what i always think i am,
and sometimes i need a liege to my throne and a circle of knights to swear upon my honour
they will sit and ride at dawn for me.
I want someone to listen to me, and hear what i say, what i really say, which isn't anything at all,
but they will hear me, and the words i am screaming from an earthquake behind my
eyes.
I want someone to hold me by the face whilst i am crying and tell me that their whole world lies within me, and the more i cry, the more i lose a slight part of my heart beat in each tear,
and that everything would be ok, if i just trusted them one last time,
that everything would be ok.
I want someone to take me by the hand and say, you are mine, i am yours, i am yours, you are mine,
and the grip be firm, and the heart beats strong,
and we sit in the car, as it rains, and you hold me, you just hold me,
and remind me to see the day.

Sections of hairpins starting to fall
relief in the cold as your back hits the wall
watching the rain as it shoots through your eyes
calming the feelings of all you despise
Hearing them scream while you try and curse
beginning to shout louder as the bubble bursts

Breathin in the dark lookin for a star
finding your way as you search for the bar
blind but painless, killing the light
feeling the room as you grasp for the night
then rolling your fingers through a revelling brain
wonderin if your duvet will go insane

sweating out blood from a memory of a stare
calling a name, wondering if she was really ever there.
Pinkpricking my iris, the beauty of the eye
hearing all the words but hearing a sigh.
walkin on the silence, a memory of a tune
grasping the carpet in the middle of the room

endlessly dancing with an invisible hold
watching and falling as the cards start to fold

too cheerful to fall, too strong to cheer
too beautiful by far to feel this fear
running from the wind when the sky begins to turn
i watch as my passion begins to smoulder and burn

If you see my ex girlfriend can you tell her,
tell her i took her t-shirt and ripped it up,
tell her i made something good, **** good out of it,
and it fit real well,
in all the places i've got left;
can you tell her, tell her,
i still have her shelves she left me,
and on the shelves full of heavy books and antique cameras,
lies a card she once wrote for me,
because it reminds me to be strong,
and tell her this card,
even though it sits on her shelves,
it is no way a regard to thoughts of her, now, still.
Can you tell her,
I threw away all the kitten food i had left over,
I took the kittens to a new home,
because they would be better with someone else,
i thought, that was for the best,
it was for the best,
can you tell her that?
Can you tell her that,
I miss her, but i don't mourn her,
I don't care to feel anything for her anymore,
as i look at the pictures,
i left of us, messing around,
in the park,
the two most beautiful girls we knew,
that i never deleted.
Can you tell her it took a year and another girl to get over her?
Can you tell her,
it was her that made me get over her?
In her hoody as i walked home,
from the night before,
i realised i had cried so many tears for the wrong person,
but i still loved who she was,
regardless,
can you tell her?
Tell her that i love her and always will,
because there is something inside of me,
that is broken,
broken like a record,
and it never stops, going around, and around,
like she was the record player,
and i was the record,
but something scratched me,
and i was never the same,
played in repeat, over and over, again,
a line sung of love, hate, misery and lust,
in a song that never stopped playing.
And now can you tell her,
tell her that i killed me to love her,
i wore my heart proudly,
bleeding on my chest,
from old battle scars and war wounds,
and tell her,
she should never be afraid to die for someone she loves,
because i want her to know,
that in the midst of all the broken pieces,
i was inside of her, outside of her, and had her,
but i never let her know,
because like a broken record,
i was stuck at the same spot from the last ride.
Can you tell her?
Tell her i think about the times she made me laugh,
really laugh til my soul fell out,
and the time she officially asked me out,
and i had no clue,
and i loved her for that
because she made it part of us.
Can you tell her,
she is missed, and loved,
and though we will never be,
she played me a song i had never heard before,
and i fell in love with her music right then.
Can you tell her?
She left a legacy, and changed the clocks when she left.
Can, you, tell her?

On the darkest night
on the whitest sands
i said goodbye
and shook her hands

I took her mane and threw her away
rode the dirtiest horse across the moonlit bay
i felt the wind in my hair
and the light at my feet
i watch the world turn
without missing a beat

I lost a heart echoed behind a waterfall
and rose again to a brand new call
I pushed against the clouds
and raised my head to the sun
i lost the feelin then
that she had been the one

I tripped over streams in my bare feet
i left my body to feel the heat
and now i feel renewed
by the swift swallow of the sky
i turned circles within waves
and dried tears that i'd cried

And now, who i am is who i will be
and no-one can break it, now i am free
and everyday there is a glisten of rain
i find a teardrop of fighting sun
i see your smiles and laughter
and i know i have won


Go swiftly, sweet serpent
go search beneath the night
ride away a further heartbeat
i no longer feel your fright...

The TV plays on in silence in the background,
and i watch it like it's a painting i no  longer understand,
nor want to.
I sit here amongst the noise,
silently hearing the voice in my head repeating the same
dead voices from the past,
though not from dead men, nor women.
And in the silences,
where i should be more aware,
I am, very too well,
as i should be more conscious,
I am, too well,
as i should be more mindful,
my mind, is full.
And if  i should be silent between the trees, breathing,
between the leaves, breathing
the branches, breathing
and the sky, breathing,
I should, take, a breath;
but my feet, they makes this sound
as i walk on  through  life,
reminding me ever so succinctly,
this is just one version of life.
And it should be by the ocean,
the breeze, I am breathing
and the sand, I feel like i am breathing,
where the silence should come to me,
easily, as i breathe......
But the waves, they don't care,
they're here anyway, to remind me,
this is life,
it goes on.
And in each silence in a conversation,
I am lost, because i forgot how to talk from being so quiet
in order to remember who i really am.
So i sit in front of a mourning picture, or i walk through a living
epitome of life, or i stand
at the precipice of the circle of life, and even now,
I am clearly forgotten, in the silence,
of being, me.

I’m laughing without breathing, my heart can’t make no sound, I feel myself lie in your arms and your arms held my ground. I’m the only pebble on the beach. The wind skims my skin and wraps around my neck and head. Blowing through my ears, until the sound of the clarity rushes through my lips. Does your heartbeat relinquish your fragility? No, Rachael, because this is not your dream, this is my reality. This beat, this tempo, is a rhythm of accusation, whilst your words defy meaning and lack concentration. You are but a fragment of light. Be still my dear heart, quiet my wandering mind. Be still. Do not flicker or quiver under this light. This sun’s dream is not for your day.

I’m exhausted by the very thought of you. By the burning flame I find smouldering in your eyes. My mind finds no peace. Here. You cause me to ask questions that I cannot answer. The very thought of you exhausts me. Your lack of integrity astounds me, your ingenuity befalls me; your haste quickens my desire. You are but a prism, a facade to bury the light. Your darkness is but a shadow of your former glory, your effort is benign and lacking, there are holes in your story. And when you are alone at your loneliest hours, your drink from the heart of those who live with light in their eyes.

I feel the heat on my fingertips, lost in the moment of a kiss from your lips. And as I lie, I lie, complete in your arms, my lack of worry enhances your charms. I cannot begin to beg to differ with your mind, your words are cruel, your body is kind. Restlessly I drag my hands across your back, making a movie, a different soundtrack. Why can’t some other conviction lie crestfallen at my feet? My belief is astute, my morals are neat. I do not heart you. I am not lost without you. However I feel useless and bound, whilst I watch you run aground, and I see you drowning up on the shore, I realised this is not me, the one I was looking for.

I feel my sides, my ribs ache for your arms. You, you, you I see from the corner of my eye. Counting the moments under your breath, whilst you kiss the back of my head and ask me how I’m doing. I’m fine, I’m fine, I repeat after time; for shall my ribs crack and my hips stretched out for the story, I wish I had nothing more than to feel your glory. To fit in your hand, to be lifted to the wall. I hear her voice it takes the beauty from me; for you just to lie down and take asylum and be free. And this is not your story, no, it never was, it was a reason why, it was your reason because.

And i? I am mindful of what we choose to do. I am mindful that life beats with you. But still, again, but still, I can’t help to recompense, that the size of your heart leaves me feeling immense. Her body is lost to me, my hands useless and found, for I hold your hand, whilst you run aground.

I need you to sit the **** down.
Sit down and don't ******* move from that spot, until i give you permission to go.
You have attached yourself to me, i created you, i manifested you into some sort of greatness;
now you wrap around me, in me and outside of me.
You permeate my heart, my lungs, my tears, my thoughts and my tongue.
You encapsulate the deep space inside myself; You sit in my mind as if it is your home.
You make my world a bubble of a vacumn.
I cannot see to reason, or hear to clarify.
You have surrounded me on all sides, you have become my ev-er-y-thing.
Making me blind, insane and lost. I need you, yet despise you.
I gargle nonsense, dawn til ******* night; where when i sleep we are together, you and I.
And in my dreams you say 'yes i wanted you from the very beginning'.
You tell me you love me
You tell me i am the one
And we **** like two beasts with bare backs in the moonlight.
Till i awake and there you are, so far, yet sitting on my left shoulder whispering sweet nothings.
I have lost all concept of respect.
I have lost all concept of friendship, promises and attachment.
I have de-tached myself from life itself; as if a sticky black tar has crept from the earth and moved in to my body.
You are absolutely alien to me; yet i created you.
You are my reality denied; fantasy accepted.
You need to see that i will **** others, who will not be you, yet they will become you.
And you let me cry after, because of the fear i cheated on the very nature of you, in the instance that you, care-d.
You need to sit, back, *******, down, on that chair.
This is my time.
I need to breathe and not breathe you.
I need to feel and not feel you.
I need to stand up on my own two feet without you pulling me up.
I need to believe in my internal voice, not your manipulation of my words
You who i ******* created, I love you, you know that?
I *******, love, you.
I love every piece of you within my skin, for you are in my veins and i can't pull you out....
But you need to sit down, sit in that ******* place i made for you.
Because this is me and my time
This is me, and not you
And as i gave all of me to you
You took nothing, no less than i offered.
You beautiful, amazing, masterpiece of a God, who resides within the very clavicles of my heart.
I need you, to sit, down.
Give me a chance to do this alone, please,
for i will leave you there,
Until your time is up.

mirror mirror, i  fooled you all
felt you, feel, before your very fall
i wrote your name with upon my skin
let you feel the blood within
and with my tears that fell awry
it wrote your name
against a white brittle sky
i wrote you of fortune, and misery alieved
my own private passion was worn upon my sleeve
i cried a thousand words from my bed
and in their ink they wrote
a story we'd wed
and it wrote how we'd founded a world untrue
it wrote how i was a knight not worthy of you
it wrote a nightime of lessons unlearned
and it wrote a passion of times untermed.
I cired from these tears
as i stabbed at my breast
these words i had wrote
so clearly across my brazen chest
under my left clavicle
under my heart
i wrote in the nightime -
'til death do us part' -
and i picked at the blood upon me
so honest and so true
and every drop
was blessed, with an ounce of you
for no matter no what
for no matter your name
i still would feel your loss
your rebuttal, your shame.
and i cried ink stained tears across my cheeks
and i wandered your loss
not in days, not in weeks.
And still as i write this with digital pen
i wonder if i am me not now, but then
my lovely, my wonder
my wonderous show
of how you showed me love so
long ago.
I sit with a pen and i wonder what to write
my ink blots are messy
and such a distaneful fright
that even i, as a woman
might seek light from the night.
I whispher sweet nothings to myself
as i cry with a teardrop so selfish, so rare,
and i mean as tho i cry, from a world, so selfish, so rare.
My nothing, my everything
my world end in sight
i long for you, play for you
each and every night.
Though i know you have left me
half starved, beaten and cold,
you have left my darling with a wiltering soul.
All i did was try to love you
that was never enough
and what might it take for you
to feel
my love?

Forgive me dear heart for my sin,
I never did what was written on the tin.
Poor lost broken and confused?
Blue, black and broken and abused?
I wasn’t no guitar solo ready to break
I am not giving - so you cannot take!
Who was that in the mirror, was it me?
I never was my cup of tea;
I was no conflict, no part of this war
But yet I understand what I’m dying for-
Who was that in the mirror, who was I then?
Not one but twice around and then again
It was not your heartbeat I felt in my hand
You think I was something you have planned.
Well **** me I was never that ****,
And if you think that’s rude, I’m just being blunt!
I don’t want no sorry, I don’t want to apologise
I am what I am, this is no disguise.
I do not listen to tales of woe or deceit
I do not think listen to myself on repeat.
I never did what I thought I ought to do
I am not a mirror image of you.
There is a department for your complaint
Don’t find me there coz I aint,
I don’t keep score, because I don’t play the game
Oooo the shock, the hypocrisy and the shame.
I hear a sharp intake of breath by my side
And here we go again around and down for the ride
Who am I? Who the **** are you?
Here’s your money back, now go take a pew
Oh heart, how dost thou love now?
I don’t, I never took no holy vow.
So forgive me and reconcile
Turn down those thoughts by the volume dial
And no I could never write a better rhyme,
Don’t give me your hand and then waste my time.
Forgive me dear heart for I forgot you were there,
I’ll remember tho for this ruin is too much to bear.

She was a woman like any other women, she spoke the language of the moon and the night, and by day she reconciled with the clouds to find the stars. She moved as if the world was watching and talked as if no-one was listening. Her mind wandered down lonely paths as she sought to a road to take. Her silence communicated what she was trying to say. Her thoughts were not empty. Her vision was coloured and blurred. Life, passed by with watches and strings, and many a wondrous and blinded thing. She was judged, by judges that no-one had met, yet kneel at the altar of. Her face was a precipice that many fell upon, fell down, and landed on their own two feet. And these words were what I wrote for her.

You twist like a serpent around my head, you lie like a river in my bed. And the sheets that we lay upon are cold and perturbed, that they are not being stolen or being disturbed. Your beauty is blinding to those that feel the sun, the glare, the heat, whispers of being the one. I repeat, repeat, eject, eject. I’ve built you a majesty of mountains you find hard to collect. Pebbles of gold found in the shallowest stream, are fragments of the sun of which you dare to dream. I think of you, of you, you. And I run for cover, one amongst many, of many a lover. You see without looking, you hear without thought, you buy without drinking, you drink what you bought. And all of this I assume you have not dared to know, that clearly I see you and the seeds that you sow.

It is not easy for me to lie here and gaze at you sleeping, for it is far easier for me to hold you whilst you are weeping. I will take care of those troubles that lay in your head, but most likely I will forget you whilst I make my bed. I bite on my teeth, I pick at my hands, I cannot but daydream about our future I planned. Mostly I laugh, for it is nothing I know, but for sure it is rather my own soap opera show. Although I watch you quite quietly in the quietest of times, I sit here alone and write you these rhymes. I wish you would be silent and think of nothing at all.

So she sits in her ivory tower, a majestic sight to be held, built by many a weary lover. Innocuous to all attempts. Failed by the mightiest standards. If you asked me to, I would silence my heart, I would scrawl sweet nothings on bathroom walls, I would take care of you, I would do what was required. Tho I am not your deadliest sin, I am not your usual flame, I am not what you would call a surmise, a full pardon or expletive expectation. A breath is all it takes to bring you back to life, moth to a flame, enflamed and explosive by the light. Oh what a fright. What a fear. That I may just be the one to lie in your arms and be content and never ask for anything more.

They say come, as you're stood by the door,
and place you in a rocking chair, when you feel like you're the floor.
Then there is a smile that you've seen somewhere before,
and you know that you're dying,
and you don't know what for

They like to hold your head in their hands
and hold your hands in their grasp, as you try to swim for air.
Then there is a look in their eyes you see as they stare,
and you could drown in a puddle
and you know they don't care

They whisper reassurances as if it could mend your heart,
and open their ears and swallow words as you fall apart.
Then there is a black hole in the  middle of their bed,
and you try to jump and fly away
but you fall down and they take your head.

They say you're not crazy, but whisper you're not sane,
and you're not sure if its dice you throw in this game.
So when they break you into a jigsaw, and you lose another piece,
know they do it for the glory and for the fame,
and they won't hesitate, to do it again

It's like your fingertips,
turned into lips and every sweet caress,
would transfer words of passion
through my skin.
Every time, i felt your spirit pour into me,
it was like i had found a new religion,
and you were my place of worship,
and our hands were the worshippers.
It's ok to watch the stars and wonder,
who they're shooting at,
for how could such a burning wish
fall so silently through the sky
and never land at my front door.
So as i lie here and i know there is time,
and that time will come,
i know that time is fleeting and forthcoming,
with the words you led into my mouth
through sweet rough kisses,
that want to tell me,
that we have all the time in the world.
To think that feelings could take on,
such an amazing allegory of stars,
rushing through my bloodstream,
as you lie with me, in a broken bed,
and i wonder if i should learn from,
my, previous, mistakes -
but stars burn brightly,
and only for such a short time,
so i took your mouth and made it holy,
and held your prophetic words in my throat,
grasped your fingers to count our congregation
who witnessed the sheen of our skin.
Seeing is believing some would say,
but
faith is taking tongues and carving words into crevices,
that even black holes wouldn't dare,
to challenge.
So take your fingers and draw on my skin,
and make me shine for you,
and we'll speak only words you can understand,
and pour, into me,
a soliloquy,
a mounting crescendo,
of bursting, burning, bright, exploding stars....

I have left a handful of bullets from you,
I have held them dear to my heart,
i treasured them,
as a seashell treasures sand.
I held them in my fingers,
whilst i moved beneath my shadow,
and sharpened my mouth on cut glass mouths,
pretty from dark ***, on a night for scotch,
and let fine tobacco smoke me out from the inside,
whilst hands tried to write their stories on my skin.

I have broken many mirrors of my face,
I broke each, one, of them.
I smashed each piece of silver for each piece,
it couldn't give me in return.
For even a window would have given a prettier view,
i held many a head in my hands looking for some recognition,
many a glazed eye of which i could reflect from,
and paid the blind to paint what they could see,
pulled many hearts apart to see what it, could,
possibly look like to be, me.

I have dreams of what gun you would choose,
if you would bring one,
to this dog fight, of this bed in my room,
where you get to see the tobacco-skinned rags, of me.
For my bullets are only good when they scar the skin,
and something is left behind, to stare at,
for those who want to trace poetry from my heart,
and use their fingertips to paint over bruises,
don't forget to bring the blind with their brushes,
and the silvers of glass to make sure,
i feel myself,
reflecting here,
once you leave.

I dream of you,
by a white oak tree.
I dream of you, i dream of you, i dream of you.
There is a ribbon tied to the tree.
I don't know the connection, but suddenly it is lost.
You open your mouth and there are words flying through the air,
gaps between your teeth,
pauses in your ribs,
and i still can't see your face.
I dream of you in a white shirt,
beige trousers.
Pretty bland, holding out your hand.
But i am not on the ground, i think you cannot see me,
I am flying up here, my darling,
up where i am free.
I have no tether, i am not portable,
I am free.
I dream of you, i dream of you.
I dream of you where there is no keyboard in my hands.
Where my fingers can touch you,
Where i can connect to you from within and without,
and you can feel my skin to yours.
But there are words floating around me in the air,
I cannot breathe,
I am scared.
I dream of you.
Silently i dream of you.
Obstinately i dream of you.
Sacredly i dream of you.
Ritually i dream of you.
Petulant i dream of you.
As only dreamers can do,
As only lovers can do,
when dreams are love,
and i am a bright red balloon.

She said to me I tasted like a overripe cherry,
I told her she tasted like dust.
I told her she tasted like a storm, an electrical one,
I told her it wasn't good weather for setting off,
But she still smiled and unfurled a sail.
She told me I didn't listen and I sounded like the ocean,
I told her, her words were like a black hole
And I didn't have an airlock,
I told her she was the tears after a hurricane,
And her words were like dead leaves on the ground,
But still she talked like she was the universe.
She told me I loved like i like always letting go,
I told her I'm not a lifeboat,
I told her I'm an anchor that hasn't be winched up,
And I dragged along the murky bottom of her love,
And I was too strong to keep going,
And still she said she loved me when I'm weak.
She said I ****** like it was going out of style,
I told her that this wasn't the trend,
That I was old-fashioned and sonnets cried in bed,
Are worthless as the air they're written on,
I told her that ******* wasn't the problem,
And still she laid there bare and pen in mouth.
I said I am not a conditional type of person,
And she said I'm not a red pen waiting to mark your wrongs,
She said I wasn't good enough to waste the time on,
Trying to put together in her mind,
Because love should be easy.
So I said no, but it shouldn't be this hard.

I have been away.
I have been away for a long, long time.
There are things to finish, that i never started,
that i never even planned for,
but it's there.
I have been lost,
I have been lost, for a long, long time.
There are things to find, that were never lost,
that i never even knew existed.
I have been complacent,
I have been complacent, because i didn't have to be,
that i never expected,
that have been waiting for.
I have been loving,
I have been loving, even when it wasn't warranted.
There was love without love,
that has been devastated and ruined.

You know why poetry matters to me?
Do you think this is all you can see
that this skin and bone pertains to be,
this is mouth and voice and identity
and ego and consciousness, this is me?
Though i am fallible and i am naive,
and i wear my heart upon my sleeve.
There is more to me that my face and speech
There is more to me than you can even reach.
There is so much to hear from the works of Ghibran or Neruda,
Or Poe or Elliot, Dickinson, or Plath.
And words from poetry is like sinking into a hot bath,
its like a dance in warm rain,
its like standing in the middle of a hurracaine
My words are not easy to speak
so i spill them out on pages of white sheet,
and they are hurt, bruised and frustrated
and its mostly about people i have dated.
And I would like to thank my past for its hard work and dedication
thanks to you my suffering became, my inspiration
Poetry is an art, a placebo, a cure, that i can 'do'
for i don't need no pills or physical freedom when i am blue
I simply find a safe room inside my head
and sit and write as i cry my tears in my bed.
These words are majestic and dance a ballroom waltz and trot,
these words are shameful, and ***** and seriously ****** up 'for-me-not's.
This is My moment, this is My silence, My ****** fears
This My rapture, My beauty, My steadfast tears,
and all alone a page they are written for one and for all,
and i hope desperately you can feel them and hear their call.
They are unique and potent, and deadly and insane,
for a wrote them at times when i had loved in vain.
And i started writing to find a way out,
of my life, my hurt, to let me quietly scream and shout.
These words are my breath standing on a canyon side,
these words are my juice, my burn, my life, my ride.
This is my love, my pain, my heart, my song,
its everything i did right, and all i did wrong,
its the moon, and the stars, and its the world in a day,
and it helps me to forget, forgive, with words i can't say.
There is something inside me stronger than my voice
and poetry helps me when i don't have that choice.
It's like a firework wishes to explode and i can't contain the heat,
and there are bullets are forming in my layrnx,
and there is tidal wave coming from my feet.
It's my labyrinth, my misunderstanding, my heart-******-break
it's my reflection, my questions, my wrath and my poisonous (Garden of Eden) snake.
It is my wanton lust, my passion and my unbridled perfect sin
It is my partition, my isolation, my grief, my inconsolable twin.....
It's my everything i am not when i am on the outside,
It's everything i am, even those parts i can't hide
It's everything i am.
It's everything i am not.
But, poetry matters
It's the very part of me.

See me here, and there, see me, pieces of me everywhere?
See those chains, broken pieces of wood, those broken locks?
See the dust flying and then, all the stopped clocks?
See the piece you ripped out, that girl you ripped from there?
That you ripped me like i was paper, without a care?
Like i were words that you had read and had consumed and become?
Well you read me, gave up, construed an new ending, and now i am not one.
See me standing here, strong, proud and defiant,
see my broken self on the floor, that i protect like a giant?
See that picture of me that shows all, is bare and naked, and true?
see this girl that is too young to understand, that you weren't really you?
see this girl ripped from my soul and my very inner, tenderly safe heart?
Because you had to take me, just, well just because, you wanted to take me apart?
And now i stand here, a warrior, armour, and an axe in my hand,
ready to cut down any predatory seeds you may have planned?
See me like a mother spoon feeding and holding til the morning light?
see her curl inside a foetal position, crying in candlelight.
See me trying to sew her back into place, to where she is safe from harm,
see her pulling, screaming from me, scratch marks down my arm.
See me telling her over and over, you are love, you are loved, you are....
see her wishing she could erase you all, make you die in a car,
or a un-fort-un-ate in-ci-dent, where you realise your deathly wrong,
or  Do you see me now, incomprehensibly, broken but beautifully, strong.
See this hand, holding out for a hand to hold
to gather this girl in her arms until she grows old?
So when you broke those locks and stopped a moment of my time,
you pulled a girl from inside of me, for she was all of mine.
So when you ripped that paper in half in an act of 'incidence'
I now hammer down these nails, steel upon fired steel, building rows of iron fence.
And this girl you forgot to address in your misdoing and ***** way,
now begins to stand, holds out her hand and we sit together and pray.
See me now as i build myself ten times, a thousand times, bigger, wider, than before,
I make a huge fortress in my body for my girl, and pick her up from the floor.
See me standing here, half written and half ripped and torn under the sun,
I can take all that you gave me, be renewed and reborn, we become one.
For she is back here with me now, as i stand tall, tainted and blissfully strong,
for i know to pull myself back together, i have to understand,
It was not my fault, you were in the wrong.

You will never be me, you will never beat me, you will never break us apart,
You will never find solace in your *****, weak, thirsty, starved heart.