There was a man, once, he told me 'you have a wise soul, i can see it in your eyes'. I took his words and held them in my hand, held them til they wore out to dust, and blew away with the wind. It's times like this i tell myself, we're not so wise. I cursed his ****** face. I look up to the horse shaped **** hole of a sky and i wonder where those words, that burned on the back of my eyelids, had flown to. I had seen and been wise, once. I had it written in the night sky as i held hands with strangers and drunk whisky out of old cups. These were the days my friend, ****, why did they have to end?

There is a hole in your eyes, it drowns me to the centre of your be-ing. I will be waiting at home with a pie on the sill cooling for you. I wait for you to come to me with a note in your pocket that says 'these are the days, they will never end'. Someone once told me that we all living on borrowed time, so steal it, take it and run away with it, eat it, stuff it down your trousers, and we'll hide in sewers, you and i. We'll hide until time comes to an end, and we'll eat our words to keep us from starving, and we'll burn our goodbyes to keep us warm.

There is a plant *** in my very core and there grows a lilac, or is it a lily, one can never tell at these times. I feel it growing, its roots, feed their way to my feet. I am ground-ed. I am at one. I am at peace with the earth. My eyelids open and i stare at that horse **** sky and i push out all my obscenities and i cry for the sake of all i am, fall to the floor, that this is not the rest, this is not the, best, that life can give, to me. My arm vicariously feel for something in the wind to cling onto, a wise word or two, something i can turn my hand to? Maybe, this seedling growing inside me, has different ideas, different places to go, wherever the sun faces, i have to be, there. And in the cold of night, i furl into myself, a fetus, of my former self, ready to renew myself for the next rise of the day.

There is beauty in you, i believe that no-one has ever seen. There is a grace from you, that i think your heart exudes. I grab at the air and nothing comes. I lost it all. My eyes, my eyes, my lies, my lust, my longing and my mistakes...burnt and spread across the ground  like ash, underneath my feet. And there you are pulling at the centre of me, drawing me out. There is a rush of wind in the air and selflessly I grab again and again, like a newborn child finding it has arms and hands. I find some words. I find some things. I find some part, of, me. Last thing at night before i close my eyes, i eat my words and keep them, to stop myself from a time i think i might be starved of you.

You know we all live, we all die. But there is something in just being, here, that makes me feel, alive. We can live but can not always be alive. The gravitational pull is inconsequential but the fall is extraordinary in its attempts to pull from me what i cannot lose. I hid those words so deep that it would take a miner a light year to figure out just how to light his torch within me. I hide you from this, i hide you from this, so that you can unfurl and keep me warm when the night has has grown cold from being rejected by the sun. My handsome, son of a gun. You spit bullets as you talk, and i catch all of these, one, by one.

I need you to sit the **** down.
Sit down and don't ******* move from that spot, until i give you permission to go.
You have attached yourself to me, i created you, i manifested you into some sort of greatness;
now you wrap around me, in me and outside of me.
You permeate my heart, my lungs, my tears, my thoughts and my tongue.
You encapsulate the deep space inside myself; You sit in my mind as if it is your home.
You make my world a bubble of a vacumn.
I cannot see to reason, or hear to clarify.
You have surrounded me on all sides, you have become my ev-er-y-thing.
Making me blind, insane and lost. I need you, yet despise you.
I gargle nonsense, dawn til ******* night; where when i sleep we are together, you and I.
And in my dreams you say 'yes i wanted you from the very beginning'.
You tell me you love me
You tell me i am the one
And we **** like two beasts with bare backs in the moonlight.
Till i awake and there you are, so far, yet sitting on my left shoulder whispering sweet nothings.
I have lost all concept of respect.
I have lost all concept of friendship, promises and attachment.
I have de-tached myself from life itself; as if a sticky black tar has crept from the earth and moved in to my body.
You are absolutely alien to me; yet i created you.
You are my reality denied; fantasy accepted.
You need to see that i will **** others, who will not be you, yet they will become you.
And you let me cry after, because of the fear i cheated on the very nature of you, in the instance that you, care-d.
You need to sit, back, *******, down, on that chair.
This is my time.
I need to breathe and not breathe you.
I need to feel and not feel you.
I need to stand up on my own two feet without you pulling me up.
I need to believe in my internal voice, not your manipulation of my words
You who i ******* created, I love you, you know that?
I *******, love, you.
I love every piece of you within my skin, for you are in my veins and i can't pull you out....
But you need to sit down, sit in that ******* place i made for you.
Because this is me and my time
This is me, and not you
And as i gave all of me to you
You took nothing, no less than i offered.
You beautiful, amazing, masterpiece of a God, who resides within the very clavicles of my heart.
I need you, to sit, down.
Give me a chance to do this alone, please,
for i will leave you there,
Until your time is up.

The understandings of your very nature
that you despise
so you lock them away
forever.
Dreamer of fanstastical stories to tell the neighbours
and girls and boys in who's arms you rest at night
And the love you have is boundless
but you're empty all the same
And the arms you have harmless
but you have no-one to hold
And your morals and standards are above the beanstalk
yet there is no 'Jack' to reach them.....
And my mind is wondrous goldfish bowl
of a kaleidoscopic fancy and dreams
And there is love and princesses and avengers of hurt
and there are brave superheroes and friends, and happiness....

Yet in my home, it is empty
In my home, nothing is mine
Yet in my home, I am alone

By choice i tell myself, it is this way
I am strong, yet i fall
I am spiritual, yet i am lost
I am lost
I tell myself i am not meant for this world
too much of a rebel
too flighty
too much of a dreamer
too much of 'i don't care'
too much of 'what is the point'
too much of 'why?'

....Because there is a child locked inside my body
that is scared of growing up.
She lives inside a closet that she binds with strings
there she hides when she hears shouts and words
closing her eyes and covering her ears
there she runs from and pays avid impatient attention
when she hears wanting and 'i need you'
there she jumps and dives head first and strains
when she wants and sees love and affection
love!
love....
love?
there she hides from the notion of love
wetting herself in fear when she feels it at the door
there she hides when she is in reproach and failed
covering her naked body with a invisible cloth, her face turned straight
there she hides from being found out
face languidly ashamed and swollen from crying.

And i sought her out...I sought her out
and we hold hold hands,
because we are petrified
we are scared
because we lived in fear our entire lives
and hid from this world

This is our beginnings....

My dad says I'm too nice, and laughs 'never let them feel safe'
My mum says I try too hard, and is fustrated. 'it will be ok, I promise'
My friends see my heart on my sleeve, and despair. 'I don't know why you do it to yourself'
And I stand back, see this happening.
Like my friend is being hurt, and I'm too chicken to help.
Like a game, I was never meant to win.
So when it happens again, there is no-one left to blame, but myself
A child, unable to learn a lesson in ****** up world.
The rules keep changing. I am lost.
People keep getting hurt.
Those people hurt people
Those people hurt people
Those people hurt
Me.
On the ride of my life unable to get off.

My hand.
My sweet hand, its long fingers, hold out for you. It feels for you, to guide you through this storm. I can feel you, just out of reach, your arms are turned away from me, crossed to protect you, shielding the darkness within from escaping, as if pushing back the rise of a storm, that your heart, can no longer contain.
There is a storm coming.
I can see it in your eyes, as they look behind me, unable to see me, unable to see, me. As if my very visage is a reminder that you can no longer be alone, as if my very eyes tell you that you are here with me, and all, will be, ok. And your very eyes, and your very chest and your very shoulders, they seem to die a thousand deaths before me, exuding defeat and terror and defense, and relief, all at the same time.
I. cannot. reach. you.
Hold. out. your. hand. My. Love.
You sit, you stand, you walk away, you ignore my hand. You want to do this alone. Alone, without me. With me, alone. But my heart beats only for you, you can hear the sound distantly, from the pulse inmy wrist by my hand, and it widens your eyes and stirs you. And, I can see, the very depths of your soul in each breath you release. In every expletive you throw at me, for being here, for making you realise that, I am not, her. I am not, her. I am not, them. Your soul, it unleashes hell, fire, ash and a deep darkness you cannot bear.
My love. My sweet sweet love. Hear me:
I am safety, i wear an orange vest and headlamp. I am clear skies, and sunshine. I am a long open road to nowhere. I am teenage butterflies. I am the chest with the ******* that you will lie your head on during the night and find security. I am the shore after the wreck. I am freedom, beauty, passion, laughter and forever after. I am shelter, with blankets. I am the fullness of your void. I am the full stop to the end of your questions.
There is a storm coming.
You have tied yourself to the rigging. You are stood ready for the hurracaine. You glance briefly at me, and in your eyes is a child that is lost, that is lost, that is longing, that is hollow and alone, and does.not.understand. Why?
There is a storm coming.
The dam in your heart broke and the arteries flood your brain with, life, fear, and belief.
Take my hand, my love. I will be here. I will  not be, moved.
I am, a rock, to cling to. I am a storm shelter. I am a end to your beginning.
I will not leave. I will not go.  I be here in the fall, the ruin, the despise, the bitterness, the anger, the rejection, and the destruction. I will be here, with my arm, hung out to dry amongst the linen and the memories you drew on them to protect yourself from me.
My hand, it can hold your world. My hand can protect you. My hand, we can conquer the world, my love. My hand is yours, my hand is yours, my hand, is, yours.
Take it.
Fall to your knees, place my hand on your face as you weep the storm in to my world, and release the whole hurracaine within you. I will take that storm and absolve it from itself.
My hand, your cheek
My pulse, your heart.
My love.
Take my hand, release your storm.

*(now read again, whilst listening to this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uffjii1hXzU&feature;=share&list;=AL94UKMTqg-9Ay9pKcP7K4WLmlE_GjKuqE)

You were,
my love,
for a while,
I adored you,
wanted you,
needed you,
wanted your fingers on my lips
your nose against my skin
your **** against my cheek...
My love.
I. Loved. You.
for a while..
then you became a memory.....
of sweet lust...
And i still want you,
but you will never know.
You weren't husband material,
You weren't father material,
You weren't my material.
You just fit, me,
for a while....

I made this path my own
I laid these stories out like bricks upon the ground...
As i walked they rose up behind me to create a wall.
An archaic brick by brick, blow by blow, defense.
At the moment i learnt to write, my name,
and to the fists that grabbed my hair, made my breakfast and told me,
'I find it hard to love you';
there began, the foundations of my wall.
Stories about the loving punches of a lover,
the cheating of a best friend, who took my trust to town,
and the loss of my father's approval.
Lines were dug, and the stones laid, down.
Subconsciously i forgot to feel love.
I forgot what it was like to feel another's voice in my ear,
whispering sweet nothings,
of my beauty and the whole entirety of sweet rapture i exulted.
And my path stacked up behind me.
I forgot what it was like,
the thrill of a hand slipping into mine, a kiss on the neck,
it made me blush.
And my wall rose up proud and fierce.
I got scared, adrenalin coursed through my veins,
as i wondered what this new sensation was
and i questioned the very nature of the action.
And my wall rose to the occasion and flung off the feeling of security.
I forgot the thrill of the chase,
compliments rebounded from my ears,
and i laughed at the words 'i love you'.
And my walls closed in.
I forgot the feeling,
of being safe.
Of lying in someone's arms and feeling it was just o.k,
to be like this.
And my walls became an alleyway.
I walked and walked,
sometimes i ran,
but i never, ever, ever looked back.
I stuffed these compliments, hand holding and back-to-chest memories
in the bricks
and scribbled on them
'love is not real', 'you are unworthy', 'love is just a word'
in black marker pen, bold and thick in line,
so i could one day i could find them,
maybe take them down and find my way out.
But these bricks had become 2ft, 3ft, 4ft deep.
I searched for new lovers, new friends, new beings,
to show me what love was,
but each time i made the same mistake;
I believed in the beauty i thought love was,
because i had forgotten,
but my lesson wasn't learnt.
I scribbled my insecurities on those bricks.
And how i miss those days of those **** infernal butterflies,
those **** feelings,
those feelings, i tried so hard to lose so long ago.
My feelings, set in mortar and concrete.
I understand my path is not set,
my past is behind me,
but i am lost,
i am lost,
I. Am. Lost.
Love is not logical.
Love is not set in stone.
Love is not to be captured, or held over by dominion.
I cannot understand love, or to be loved; it's written somewhere in my past.
Someone once held my face and called me beautiful,
and i lost the will to believe it,
and i made this path my own.
And now i subconsciously walk alone.

Right.
First things first,
I am not your enemy, tho you may do your worst.
Call me a *****, a ****, bi-polar or mad.....
Oh i'm sorry are you missing your dad?
Dear father where art thou?
You forgot i know this, and i know how;
I know how you long for love after the lust
but you can't, oh you must'nt, you just,
can't, fall in love.
You call me names and think that's ok,
think you gave me free-dom by letting  me 'sleep around',
sorry i am not a dog like you, you ******* hound.
You give out words like there is no tomorrow,
but you can block me, but you will feel the sorrow.
Me, oh christ, man i feel free,
nothing can move this woman;
i know who i am and what i be.
(Oh i feel so so good)
You little boy, oh, you have a fit,
I ask for you only, and you don't give a ****.
I am not who you want, but who you need to ****,
but the one to love you; holy cow, wouldn't that be your luck?
I am far beyond you, your words have no reproach,
you love nothing and your ego is a joke.
I give everything to you, because that is who i am
(you're not ******* special, don't you understand!)
But you see this as a threat and your logic takes hold
you start to judge me, and lo and behold!!
I am a "cheater, a mother-****** and a little girl";
well i tell you sonny jim,
you live in a seriously, ****** up, world.
Because i don't need you now, nor did i before,
i was something you could handle,
oh and n.b. i was not your ex before.
And when you lie at night with all those 'easy wanton' girls
you will know they are nothing compared to me,
and my awesome world.
But you lost me, boy,
oh you lost me in the first hour,
you forget that i had the understanding,
the intuitive (i know who you are) power.
Goodbye sweet lover, goodbye little man
because i am done with you now,
I hope your head can understand.

This is a new angle for me....rather an opposite to those men who treat women like objects
Best reading whilst listening to this....http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N8LZGQ4MkvQ*


I don't think you get, me.
You. Do. Not. Understand. 
I am not like those other girls.
I do not want to lie at your feet. 
I do not want your secrets,
I couldn't give a flying ****
about your absent mother,
or your lost abusive father. 
Your pain does not bother me
in the slightest.
But i know you will **** me like i understand it,
You will **** me with your grief, despondency and pain
You will **** me like you're hitting them with your words.
You **** me like you're ******* the world,
Sticking ******* up at 'them'.
I know this.
I know you.
I know what you're all about.
I smelt it in the air,
caught your scent.
As soon as we met, 
I had you at ten-to-two.
I listened with my big-ole-blues,
and made the right noises,
touched you in the right places,
made you protect me from the ghosts you told me were there
I made you believe.
I gave you one or two whisps of a my story.
To be truthful?
You aren't the man for my heart,
No sonny jim,
my wee man,
You aren't strong enough for my battlefield,
You have no more strength than you think you believe.
Your ****** prowess becomes your gun,
you **** me, BOOM
you think you've won.....
Hands on heart....?
Oh **** me, please....
(And that has two meanings, by the way)
You think i lie here for you?
No i lie here for Me.
I don't want no musclebound man 
who means with his heart what he says.
The easy ***** are far better these days. 
Coming from men like you.
I'm not ready for that ****, 
Love and romance, 
woooaahhhh not one ******* bit.
****** up lil cutie.
I'll make you mine, come here you lil beauty.
(Sorry to slip a rhyme in there, then and now,
makes it more interesting, more, i don't know how)
And **** me sideways til Tuesday,
I'll make you be the King of my World.
Ha.Ha Jack my boy
****. me. Like. You. Mean. It.
Doesn't mean i am a two-bit *****
just know I've found a man i'm looking for,
and i'll stick around til he's spent all his bullets 
And walk out the door.
To a new bar.
Silently as i sit here with a gin and tonic.
Silently laughing.
*******, ironic.
And you thought you had me at hello.....

I am a.... philanthropist at heart.
It's written on my face, tattooed on my right arm, and runs in my blood


I love you.
Yes, you reading this.
I love you.
I love the colour of your eyes.
I love the way your mouth smiles.
I love the way your face moves
I love the way you push people away,
that love you.
I love the hugs that you give
I love the way you sing when no-one is listening.
I love you when you look in your mirror and find all your flaws.
I love your fingertips that press the buttons on your keyboard.
I love the txts that you send
I love it when you miss out on the world because facebook is more important
I love you when you give money to the homeless
I love you when you walk on by
I love your dark sins, your demons and your prison of fear
I love your altruism.
I love the shoes you hate and don't like to wear
I love you when you think you're fat
I love you when you work out
I love you when you are loving someone else
I love you when you are laid on the bathroom floor unable to breathe from hanging onto the world
I love you when you look away
I love you when you think you can't take anymore and want to die
I love you when you are angry, bitter and detest these words
I love your accent
I love the hairs that grow on your toes.
I love the way you part your hair
I love you despite the fact you think you are not meant to be loved.
I love your goofy dance moves
I love your tired face and 'talk to me and die' look
I love you when you're weak and afraid
I love you when you think you're invincible
I love you when you are addicted
I love you when you are lost and alone
I love you when you are in love
I love you when you steal, beg or borrow
I love your thinking face, your thunder face, and your 'hold me' face
I love you when you are a thousand miles away
I love you when you snore next to me
I love it when you swear, curse and reject me, and my love
I love you when you question my love
I love you when you turn your back on me
I love you when you hurt me, beat me, abuse me, and take my heart and crush it like a tin can
I love you,
Always, now and forever.....
I love you, because i see you, because i know you, because i know you are worthy of love.

Philanthropist. Look it up.
<3

Sections of hairpins starting to fall
relief in the cold as your back hits the wall
watching the rain as it shoots through your eyes
calming the feelings of all you despise
Hearing them scream while you try and curse
beginning to shout louder as the bubble bursts

Breathin in the dark lookin for a star
finding your way as you search for the bar
blind but painless, killing the light
feeling the room as you grasp for the night
then rolling your fingers through a revelling brain
wonderin if your duvet will go insane

sweating out blood from a memory of a stare
calling a name, wondering if she was really ever there.
Pinkpricking my iris, the beauty of the eye
hearing all the words but hearing a sigh.
walkin on the silence, a memory of a tune
grasping the carpet in the middle of the room

endlessly dancing with an invisible hold
watching and falling as the cards start to fold

too cheerful to fall, too strong to cheer
too beautiful by far to feel this fear
running from the wind when the sky begins to turn
i watch as my passion begins to smoulder and burn

I ******* around with my hands behind my head
and there i saw you moulding hearts like bread
shittin bricks on a hot tin roof
i am the girl with a cheshire smile
come see me
stay a while
coy as a boy with a flower in his hand
i took your words and i made a stand
and i never thought i'd be hiding you there
peekin out from the covers of delight
throw me away, throw me to the night
and when you are lost and have nothing to say
come see me
come see me and stay
hold my hand and i will run far and wide
catch a ball thats 10 feet high
forget my name and i'll drive my car
touch me alone
i like you
fallin over broken bones like a stumble in the dark
and like a silent movie you made your mark
pirates ahoy - i jumped overboard and over the moon
now its come to the senses much too soon
and i broke a thousand times a thousand times the sand
much too much over a forgotten, barren land
sing me a song my dear, whispher in my ear
i held your hat and you held my tears
scrunched up slowly between your tail and bone
i am not me i am not my own
thoughts are drifting and now i'm away
come find me
come for another day

I am the colour of skin
the bruise that i left the night before
i am monotonous and drained
as an empty wine bottle on your kitchen floor
I was you
a while before i could see
I was what you never were
what you can never be
I am the hair
that you pull before you cry
I am the colour of nightshade
and your ***** memories floating by
I am hate, i am pain
i am the look on your face
I am worn but new
I am the colour of distaste
I will be
the one you adore
i will be
forever mine my mind torn
I was the end
of the burn on your lit cigarette
i was the one and only
the one you regret
I am the girl
who will question always why
I am the girl
who will fustrate, who will throw, who will cry
I am the one
that never gives in, gives up
i am the one
that you drank from a old china teacup
I am now
something rare, something lit and flyaway
I am now
what you call your something, your someday
I am the colour of sunshine
breathtaking skies blue
I am the colour of your breath
i am the colour of you......

I am not some street cowboy punk
i am a quiet sweet rampant drunk
i play the spoons with the air of a saint
i have a tongue that can swallow paint
sour and acrid, the tone of my voice
i have never left without a choice
punched back sideways
even more today than tomorrow
for your heart i will bed, steal or borrow
Superman don't have ***** on me
don't need no wings now i am free
saving the restless, curing the weak
you can laugh at me when i dance like a freak.
I will kiss you when i drink too much wine
when i am restless and hungry you will be mine
I will do nothing when you are nothing to me
i will drive you crazy with all you can be
no more talkin no more of that ****
i'll hold you apart, break you bit by bit
if you're too polite i'll bite my tongue
i'll whip you and shake you, then i'm done.
carefree to be careless, shareless boy talk
tell me to go and i will surely walk
don't ask me to be kissed or hold my hand
i am not that girl that you left unplanned
i am a midnight demon on ferocious terms
i grasp you and hold you tight and firm.
I am not lost, or fragile or broken bound
i am not looking for someone to make a sound
i am no paige boy scarlet harlot wild child thing
i am not yours, can't you hear your telephone ring?
I am a sordid freak of gigantic endeavours
i will solder your heart regardless of your tremors
i am torturous and painful and weak to the bone
i am the mightiest fallen, can you not see my throne?
i have a **** me, buck me, tie-me-tight gaze
if i look at you slowly, be patient but don't wait
i want everything and all and i want it now
i am no gleaming bronze statue know-all-know-how
i am surely what you ever thought you knew
i am surely what you never thought when i met you
i am free to please anyone at night
i am free to sit and cry by candlelight
alright now, oh baby its all right now
**** me gently and i'll show you how
to be nothing more than anything is something i suppose
but i really can't tell for the state of your clothes
you dress me up slightly more than your vision
i've never met a person with such succint precision
and well here i go, superbly astute and blunt
never did i see such a spectacular *** ****
and well that is really the way that i go
i fly here, there, everywhere i flow
i am not some pretty naieve little thing
i am a mess of entirety with 2 engagement rings
i'm living with despondence and its ******* me off
******* batman i hear you cough
come see me, come stay a while
come see me, come see me, and i will ******* in style

Lost and wandering with out a story
a midnight lampshade stretched out over glory
not tricks or tracks up my sleeve
no more wanting, no more to grieve
a silent not darkness has swallowed my skin
sallowed and sickly the light moves within
and deep in the conscious lying there
is my soul flying naked and bare
never wrote more truer story of romance and sin
and it got thrown out with the cat food in the bin,
and now it is different the air smells alive
i can feel it beneath me making me drive
and there are no words, though i use far to many
for every time i screamed **** i found a new penny
and it was there all along just under my pen
i'd already written about them in everything back then
and oh what is love, i hear the bells cry
it was not those girls who chose you to die
for their misfortunes and weakness and 'what the **** evers'
i am neat, petite, i keep it together
i kept myself for him though i never knew him before
There was a number behind the back door
too many women to **** around too many times
too many the focus of my love rhymes
what for? whatever...what the ****...?!!
sssshhh...i even tried to write one a book!!
oh i can laugh now, oh i can laugh at myself
with a encyclopedia of ****** wealth
That was me? Who was i back then,
What did i correct? What was with the red pen?
and now there is my eyes, my heat, my kiss
every moment is a feeling of bliss
There's everything i searched for without knowing
and every night in the wind its blowing
their name, the air is breathless in here
and yes i have cried many a salty tear
for all the thousand pieces of my heart i have given out
there is to be a million more given, without a doubt
and i am sad for those who cannot feel like i do
i am sorry for repeating all those 'i love you's'
because it was not real, i'm sorry it was something else
maybe something that carried some sort of wealth
they were not even close to how my garden grows
how could i be so blind to what was right under my nose?
oh my sweetest love, my sweetest kiss,
there is nothing else i can give you but all of this,
I begged, stolen and borrowed hearts, black and blue
and my arms have fallen inside out for you....

i can't talk too loud
i think my whispers are stolen too often
by those who have no clear thoughts of their own
i'm not paranoid
just used to it, these things they came true
long ago.
Thoughts swirling around and above my head
i look up only to see nothing but words
i can't reach them
there's too many
the air is a maze
and its too loud for me to get through.
Everywhere is the slightest bit of air you pushed out
i thought i could catch it
i thought i could breathe it
i was wrong
i was naieve in my ideas
about you.
Never thought something like this could hold me
wrap me up in tight bonds of love
hold my hands by the ceiling
my body left to be devoured by you and your hands
and i am consumed by a spark
glowing in the dark
a thousand miles away.
You sit me down and i am on fire
i am not able to see my self again by the light
the morning light
the night, the night
and i break inside, down
and its closer than i have ever broken before
and we sit here stillness
in the silence
and **** green lollipops.

They ask me why i might not fight
and i tell them i have no will
no quiver to set in my bow
no archer will fight my battle
i have no pride
my lions mane has fallen from here
there is no more golden glint of sun
They ask me if i'm alright
and i tell them i have no crimes left to deal
no more cards left to give
and no more my pen will write
and i tell them why i do not fight

They ask me why i walk away
but my footsteps weren't borne for this
my soles are ragged, weeping and torn
bleeding from the inside out
i have no footprints for this
i hear that there is music in the air
and yet i am deaf
to that brillaint electric sound
They might ask why i move that way
its a wrong thing to place such a word
and i am blind to their sight
and i tell them why i do not fight

they ask me why i do not speak
yet my words are silent
clauses bore of broken hearts and mixed promises
and they become dry
i have no sound
the wind blew it away
dried up the air i was left to breathe
and now i drown
They might ask me why,
and all i would commit
is that my heart feels heavy of light
and this is why i do not fight

I'm a juxtaposition, a correlation of the perverse dark and a beautiful light. I am your mark of gigantic endeavours, the tremble of the lip when you feel my tremor. I am not quite what i want you to think i am, i am a beautiful beacon of shining light, i will guide you through the storms with my gentle words and kisses. I will rip you apart, my wounds harsh, my tongue lethal, i will barrage your intimate space with your own miserable defeat. I am Constantinople, you are the pinnacle. You are nowhere to be found, yet hang in every essence of me. I am what you know you think you are, yet are too scared to find out. I am everything but a time when you thought i was....write me down and read me, i am your red pen in your correctional facility, i lost the meaning and didn't find it in you.

i held your hand, it fit like a glove
we talked about me
we talked about you
we talked about life and you really listened
you looked at me and it was right there in your eyes
you touched my leg at one point, told me to carry on
i had forgotten what i was sayin in the middle of my words
it made my hands shake
i babbled on, i didn't know what to say
you made me feel so right, just right
when you told me of that girl
the one who didn't love you right
it made me smile
we had both been burnt and it was ok
later when you kissed me it felt like you were meant to be there
i didn't expect it
you held my head so delicately
you held my hands by their fingertips and entwined your little finger around my hand
i looked at you in a new way
we stayed up all night
we talked and laughed
we agreed and moved in a way i had never known
there was no rips or tears at the seams
you didn't pull my hair or scream at me
i didn't push too hard
i just fell into being
i looked at you and felt ok
you smiled and i smiled
we got drunk and stayed til the sun came back out again
and in the morning when i had to leave
you held me all the way to the door
we mumbled goodbyes and kissed at the door
i felt young
i felt me
i feel good
i feel ok
you took me away and brought me back again
and never once did i get scared
you, made me smile
and made me want to see you again
you think it was just words
but we were poets in our own book
and we wrote the most wonderful lines
then when i see you again
we will make it so
that it will be ok
and it will be safe
and we will touch fingertips
and it will feel like we never said goodbye
thank you

I can't hear your bassline
and i can't hear you clap in time
I tried to understand your rhythm
but someone deleted the rhyme
You have blank ink
and your hair is a mess
you'd never look at me,
i'd never see you undress

i'd hear all your silences
and intepret them in my dreams
Then i'd get it so wrong
and we'd unravel at the seams
I'm not the one
that you want back like you want more
i'm not the one
the thing you are searching for

I see you smilin
and it blows my ambitious mind
all is erased and i laugh,
and all my seams unravel and wind
you shouted through a snowstorm
and i caught your words on my tongue
but alas alack dear you
i am not the one

i read you with affection
i draw your heart on my sleeve
and that i watch as it melts slowly
and the ink begins to grieve
you see what i cannot
i think in colours and words
you think in bubble wrapped clingfilm
and sing silently as a bird

your flight is in rapture
you carry a weightless air
i stop looking for the moment
because you are not here nor there
my mind is colours awash
with thoughts of what is an illusion
its not the rhyme but the rhythm
that gives me this confusion

I am on the gravel
my toes drag behind in the dust
i see what you think you want
its not true love its lust
A bountiful treasure, you told me
this is what i am and are
but i saw your kind once
and you are no shooting star

your eyes look upon me
like you think you know somethin of my mind
but i got fed up with your waiting
your too cruel to be kind
a labyrinth of a maze
is what you seem to be
a mystique within a riddle
i can't figure you out, you see

i thought you were a rainbow
i thought you were the wind
it turns out i was blind
it was me that had sinned
and in all of this whirlwind
this wizard of oz daydream
i pick at my stitches
and unravel at the seam

i thought you were a diamond
but you were just cut glass
a thing of beauty once
now just a piece of ***....

I was there when she turned her back
shook her head and blew her breath at me.
i was there when she talked to me
when she was so ****** wasted,
she wanted me.
I was there when she smiled and laughed,
when she cried, shouted and groaned,
I was there thru the tea being made,
thru the potatoes being peeled
and the tattoos we thought we'd get,
as a symbol of love.
I was there when she came to me in the dark night
I was there when she thought i was nothing,
when she played her guitar
and played the one song i loved
over, and over, and over.
I was there when she held my hand
in the silence i was there
I was there at the bottom of the garden
behind the tree, by the pond
waiting for her.
I was there.
I was there when she asked to meet me 2 hours away,
when she laid next to me naked
and i never made a move because she didn't move me that way
I was there when she asked me to dance
yet she couldn't at all.
I was there when she wore my hat
played a song of a thousand clowns
where she wore a multiple of colours
and the girl never left my side.
I was there when the dad left,
when the baby cried
when the mother ******* and the eyeliner bled.
I was always there
never not
when the time was too hard, too long, too weak.
I felt long and hard
and it was still there
every single time i felt it.
I was there
never not
just be she said, just be
let it lie,
but i was always awake

you were always meant to be there
the silence in my fractured air,
the rapture before the breaking dawn
the silent cough, the stifled yawn......
Its like i just saw the sun for the first time
you were meant to rise to be only mine,
and as you slept i watched you dream
i began to unravel at the seams..
i never can forget the look on your face
the way you were my saving grace.
Its like you never were here or there
its like i lost you with the weight of my stare
and now its like we never had dared,
we never kissed, we never shared,
i never held you in my shortened arms
never said i'd keep you from harm
and we were just like butterflies you and i
and just in the spring we started to die.
Its like i cannot rid myself of your smile
i cannot pick up the phone and begin to dial
you lost me afore i'd even began
I am not that person, your not my man
I gave you my heart, to have and to hold,
gave you my hand for when we grew old
and still you crushed it and tore it away
and now you haunt me every single day;
for what they cry, the don't understand
its like a new language from a foreign land,
but they can never understand what i saw in you,
how i could love someone so black and blue?
Its like i never should have ever let you in,
to let you go, was for you to win
and its like a dancing moth to a dying flame
when i think i hear you call my name
but no its just the wind in a long lost dream
and nothing is real or what it seems.
Its like you never were, or never was
but you must have been, for i always was,
your one

This scent of you, it clings to my skin,
it clings like a rash that's boiled over from within.
I scratch at this poison that has marked my flesh,
the scent of you, at your very ****** best.
I throw off the covers and hit the wall with my fist;
should lust be a sin, if lust is like this?
And no matter what with who, how, what or where,
everytime i sleep i can feel your ****** stare.
And the weight of your fingers on the back of my neck
drives me to nightmares, and meaningless ***.
Tinged by the moment and forgotten by the hue,
my arms are brusied easily by the scent of you.
I'm running wildly through bracken and fire,
i'm running as a beast would run from apathy and desire.
I, the lone wolf, i'm moonlit, i scratch and i howl,
at the memory of your face, and your sneering sharp scowl.
I, the lone rider, in flight fearless, reckless and abused,
I jump fields, catch branches, torn, bleeding and bruised.
I hide in the woods, and float in the sea
I'm hiding myself from the deepest memory of me.
You're the poision ivy to my deepest forest of bark,
You're the drifting snow to my deepest vision of dark.
This scent of you, it clings to my lips
and i bite my tongue as i stretch my fingertips.
There is no sense in this dirt that flies through my hands
my thoughts are lost as stone is lost in beached sands.
I rip at my skin and i tear at my voice
I made this my dealing, at my beck, at my choice.
I draw upon my body like a breeze skims the ground,
there is no more wanton whimper, than there is my sound.
And at night when the nightmares come and i scream in my sleep,
the scent of you overwhelms my body, and i sow what i reap.
I lightly collect my feelings and throw them in a box,
I wrap in chains and cover it in locks.
I have been fooled, i have been fooled and blinded by you
and this scent lingers, in a memory of a distant bluish hue.
I watch as you walk away, your hips sway, tail high
And i howl and i scream and i sit and i cry.
And whilst i linger alongside this sharp vivid movie scene,
i count my bruises and feel quietly serene.

I am not not selling my soul to the devil tonight,
not for a 10 bob shilling note or a ***** hoody with your deep scent of pain lined within its seams.
I am not selling my nature,
for my nature has roots as big as the old oak tree that grows in the deepest forest and shelters those that seek.
I am not forgetting my place,
it's right here, next to you, by your side;
it's right here, in front of my son, holding his world in my arms, and his love in my heart;
it's right here, projecting from my heart, arms that encompass the world.
I am not drilling for oil,
I seek no riches from ill gotten gain,.
I am not your past journey,
I walked my own road to get here, i laid those bricks down piece by piece.
I am not who is knocking at your door,
for i am not the fear your heart dreads at that sound of that knock.
I am not here for you to sum up,
I am not a number, an equation or problem you have to solve.
I am not my emotions,
as they are an extension of me as my words are my mouth, and my actions from my hands.
I am not a box of wonder,
I am a clearly written masterpiece of wonder and intrigue, and i love the very soul of me.
I am not your head,
my arms lay weary at my side for the troubles you carry within your mind are too heavy for me to hold.
I am not a carnival horse,
that swings around and around, for applause, for the fame and the glory.
I am not a catch,
a fish, a lock to a door, a bubble to burst.
I am not a master, a magician, a hooligan or a carpet burn *****
I am here, open, here, honest, here, just here.
I am not,
I am not,
I am not, you.

click clack, sound of the track
busted lighter, jilted firefighter
****** mosquito bleeding blighter
coffee cup, record stuck
panicked post boom stuck in a rut
had you'd never seen her, been her
watched her fly by
is it a plane, wonder bush, brick lane spy
fallen tree, dropped whispers ina wood
shoulda, woulda but never could
pushed by the wind, running around
set off faster, harder, leavin the ground
seen more war than a nu-rave punk
hit the pavement harder than a skool boy drunk
deeper, lower than before
been round the world 3 times over
prayed harder rollin around in clover
teemin, screaming anticipation, panick buy
obsessed with cuckoo, escape with a sigh
darker, lighter, tougher, cornered and lame
call my breath, take my name
shame, dusted, glory be no more
music drags me back from the shore
vacumn packed, culture vulture sister
pierced hot poker, stoke her, twist her
throwin pieces, jigsaw puzzle in the grass
pull my hair, bit my cheek, slap my ***
shorter, tighter loved a whole lot longer
pushed behind, throw back 80's stronger
straightened, heated from a blue rinse dude
i am sitting her 3 minutes from rude
throw me away from here, take a stand
eating raw from inside the hand
ruined, borken levelled tiger print sweater
20 marlboro, 2 strokes and its better
dangermouse, grotbag loved forever
tether me, feed me, clothed in dried leather
Bowie, polka dots, illuminated lights
star brights, fist fights, just rights
scuffed my heels on your broken walk
shut your mouth when you talk
broke you, stalked you, wounded you down
turn away from rain as we run thru town
just like a fire
black crow eating berries from the briar
sacred high, dancing beauty
eyes black and smarting, ****** up cutie
batman, she-ra, Holy ****** Cow!
Look at me, **** me
I'm a big girl now

I do not live in a castle, or upon a cloud
I try not to be too naive or too proud
I do not sit on a pedestal or in an ivory tower
I do not pretend to have all the power
I do not have the knowledge or hold the key
I do not pretend to be anyone, just me
I make mistakes like all the rest
I am weak when I am at my very best
I speak a good story I don’t tell no lies
I don’t listen to myself so I’m not so wise
I wear my heart on my sleeve like a gun
I spend all my bullets when I am on the run
And no-one can follow me I am elusive to love
Yet I seek from below, I seek from above

I never deemed myself perfect
I’m stupidly stubborn when I believe I am right
I will sit and argue my piece through the night
I will not know what I want and then decided on a whim
Wanting to be loved is my only sin
So suffer away shall I alone and unique?
My heart is strong my will is weak
My impatience is a virtue I try hard to heed
It leads me to a labyrinth of emotion too confusing to read
But yet I know in my soul who I am and what I know
But yet I still believe you reap with what you sow
And I exhaust myself time and again to understand myself
Because I believe someday I will find a mountain of wealth
And really I know the truth - I know my fear
I am not lost I am already here
I forgot to believe that what will be, will be
And yes it is ok, that I am me

I felt you kiss the back of my neck,
there was nothing there,
just a lack of respect.
And somewhere in your illicit, dulcet tone,
I found the sweetest sympathy of home,
and i found myself walkling back to you.
I heard your voice,
I felt my pain,
I whisphered, a thousand times the same,
Thoughts drifting through my head..
Is this really us?
Are we not dead?
And still i reply with a smile on my face
that nothing you can do will erase,
and with my sweetest tipped monotone
i wipe my hands and make for home.
And how i wish, this was not me or you,
it wasn't something you'd do,
that i could just be there and never far,
never following that elusive star.
And a thousand times i scream your name,
but this is not me
i am not the same,
Every breath i give, heavy and lost,
I gave up your kiss
and felt the cost.
And my head is weary, my hands are tired
my thoughts drift
exacting and wired.
I expected less-little, no more...
and still your breath upon my neck,
I drop my head and close my eyes
forgive myself and all those i despise
Me, us, them and you
there is nothing to prove,
nothing to do, no running away
let me learn to walk before i learn to stay.
And with each brusied moment, each repetitive tone
i take my words to worship at home
as i have no disfigurement, no-one can see this loss
but i wish there was something
but there are no what if's, what now or buts,
there are no scars, there are no cuts,
there is no wonderment or lust
I just wanted to take you here, take you there
hold your hand
feel the weight of your stare
I swallow my breath, i sing your name
i dance in circles around you
and still i'm the same
and how can i end this?
what is appropriate at this time?
I tell the truth, i swallow my rhyme
and on bended knee, dirtied and torn
i forge through the night
close my eyes
and dream of you, and being reborn

He takes your breath away, he steals the night before you, constricting your sight and your eyes, he lies, next to you but his mind is a seafare away, in fact his presence is valid only by the point you feel lost and dejected, hands rejected. He moves in your head, your head, he waltzes in slow motion, grasps at straws, gasps for air, because you drown in his heavy stare. A thing of beauty, you paint him a picture in your mind, he takes control, changes the colours of the mood, lost you find yourself to be.

Two feet on the ground, the stars collapse and combust under the pressure of his gaze. He holds your hand, your hand is not your own, it is fragile as glass, an extension of your heart, your head, your head. Can you move your feet? Step, two, three, four. I am lost in your smile, it steals my eyes, stings to the touch, cold as the ice I walk upon. Are you there, where is he, going? He laughs and dust settles, He laughs and you are mute, he laughs with her mouth wide open, he will steal your breath. He wears a novel in the brim of his hat, he wears a footprint on her hand, he walks, he talks, he moves, in a language unknown to me. You lie still, belie me, tread a little carefully, dance a slow jig to my music. Listen carefully for I will say this only once.

Do not hold my hand, my words are dissatisfied with the mark they make. A beauty unsurpassed, sur-passable by my standards. Do not make me a mirror, I have no vision left to see, my head that you walk in, is running away with time. Smile, you make me. Tear your gaze from mine, I lose you, you are somewhere else, not here, I am blind, dumb, deaf and numb. Forgive me, if I know not what to say, sometimes I can do nothing but think analytically. Your touch mystifies my soul, I lose all sense of control, with no reproach I start again at the beginning. Of time.

An introduction to me is to be made. He is a thief by only the most awesome standards. Your muscles contract as his words, her mouth moves to yours. The taste of air, is sweet on your palate, shapes are made by candlelight, his scent is of positive delight, he feels like the night. Dark, endless, fulfilled by the moon. Delighted by the sun, you go on the run, not looking back but you drag your fingers behind you, longing to let go. Ready for the show, you undress with minimalist perfection; you take all but his direction, and watch for his musical face. Nothing is something, when it is not even there, because you can feel it, and you don’t even need to see what I mean to understand. By my second hand, I unwind.

I am not here, I am not there, I am not, anywhere. He seeks me out, I hear him call. I hear him shout. Each movement is a ripple, I feel him like a butterfly in my hair. Turns my head, makes me cry, makes me wonder why. Each breath tells a story, each kiss is a new chapter. He will write you a novel in a night-time of passion without a desperate loaded ending. He will whisper your name so that it no longer sounds like air through his pursed mouth. Blondie plays in the background and the candles dance in tune to the beat of the song. You move your fingers like they need to grasp his words. And nothing comes to your touch. Drowning in happily ever afters, forevers and forget-me-nots, love becomes a thunderstorm in a teacup....

She walks, her hand trails a memory behind, alone in a crowd with thoughts to be her friend, follows a path that never ends. Around and around, a way that seeks not to find, the truth. The truth? Fever burns beyond your eyes, embers are threatening to die out. When you scream and shout there’s no sound in your words. Held back by a tendril so soft and wary, umbilical in nature, empty in force. No force, no faith, no way. She wraps her hair around your mind, blinded you are by her night. Darkness follows the light. Light follows the day. Come what may.

All that I have left of you is half a cup of tea, more than a half an hour of your time. More than half a lifetime spent unwinding time, til it slips from your hand burning from your touch with thoughts about her. For where she touched your palm an imprint lies untamed. Forced by nature, the universe calls your name, taints your shame and holds your hand. Words unplanned. Words despite words. Movement in the air, tear and tear. Find the difference? She holds it there in her smile, beauty untouched for a while. Heavens are unknown to man, but women whisper in corners about paradise follied.

Her eye, they are not seen to be beheld. Watched as no-one sees. Who are you? Who are you? An explosion beneath my chest, rapid oceans cannot hold me down, I float, I float, I float away towards you. Gravity, grave in its subject, deep and shallow, two separate wheels turning in motion to the rhythm of my mind. Just a little bit of imagination is needed here. And I seek, I do not fear, your retribution is but a figment of my imagination. You will go, you will hide, you will fidget standing my side, my side. How you are oblivious to the jigsaw we are. I drain my drink and watch the stars.

You are pure imagination. You are wisdom made delight. I wish for sweet nothings, I wish for you by candlelight. I think of you and dance, I think of you and close my eyes, I think of you, I think of you. She lets me fly, and swoop and fall. Who am I to call on you? I feel you next to my skin, where do you begin, where do I end, who am I to pretend? A favourite memory to make, created with fortune misled. I think about you in my head. She will, she will follow and fade, a star to compare to the night. Will you lead me? A secret in her mouth, waiting to jump out, waiting to shout. Actions speak louder than words, and I never heard her speak

She was a woman like any other women, she spoke the language of the moon and the night, and by day she reconciled with the clouds to find the stars. She moved as if the world was watching and talked as if no-one was listening. Her mind wandered down lonely paths as she sought to a road to take. Her silence communicated what she was trying to say. Her thoughts were not empty. Her vision was coloured and blurred. Life, passed by with watches and strings, and many a wondrous and blinded thing. She was judged, by judges that no-one had met, yet kneel at the altar of. Her face was a precipice that many fell upon, fell down, and landed on their own two feet. And these words were what I wrote for her.

You twist like a serpent around my head, you lie like a river in my bed. And the sheets that we lay upon are cold and perturbed, that they are not being stolen or being disturbed. Your beauty is blinding to those that feel the sun, the glare, the heat, whispers of being the one. I repeat, repeat, eject, eject. I’ve built you a majesty of mountains you find hard to collect. Pebbles of gold found in the shallowest stream, are fragments of the sun of which you dare to dream. I think of you, of you, you. And I run for cover, one amongst many, of many a lover. You see without looking, you hear without thought, you buy without drinking, you drink what you bought. And all of this I assume you have not dared to know, that clearly I see you and the seeds that you sow.

It is not easy for me to lie here and gaze at you sleeping, for it is far easier for me to hold you whilst you are weeping. I will take care of those troubles that lay in your head, but most likely I will forget you whilst I make my bed. I bite on my teeth, I pick at my hands, I cannot but daydream about our future I planned. Mostly I laugh, for it is nothing I know, but for sure it is rather my own soap opera show. Although I watch you quite quietly in the quietest of times, I sit here alone and write you these rhymes. I wish you would be silent and think of nothing at all.

So she sits in her ivory tower, a majestic sight to be held, built by many a weary lover. Innocuous to all attempts. Failed by the mightiest standards. If you asked me to, I would silence my heart, I would scrawl sweet nothings on bathroom walls, I would take care of you, I would do what was required. Tho I am not your deadliest sin, I am not your usual flame, I am not what you would call a surmise, a full pardon or expletive expectation. A breath is all it takes to bring you back to life, moth to a flame, enflamed and explosive by the light. Oh what a fright. What a fear. That I may just be the one to lie in your arms and be content and never ask for anything more.

She writhes in your head like an old time movie scene, moves in sepia on a multi faceted screen. And I say multi in an American way, to make it more real, to make my language more spectacular, because the scene becomes wooden and fragile, portraying what could have been. I feel what I feel, I feel, I feel, I fell, sweet dreams are made of these. Of her. Of her. It’s just a moment, one moment, a forever moment, a moment to last forever. Return, return, delete, rewind, eject, Play. Nothing but silence. Black eyes, black hair, splayed across my pillow. My cheekbones feel the cold, but there is nothing in the air but an hour of her beauty.

I see her tears, those that she has which to cry. They have built a mountain in her mind, drowned the molehill she never even saw. I drive away, I feel the gears crunch beneath my feet, the pressure on the accelerator, the music takes me away. The movie is static now, click, clack, the sound of the track. Ball bearings roll around the inside of my mind. She becomes the centre of gravity, the room spins and envelops all the background noise, the lights flicker and burn, your skin tingles and hairs freeze in anticipation , for her. Her. Her. Her. Time is nothing but time, man-made affluence which becomes influential in smoky rooms and dried out bars.

She has the kind of smile, religious in its endeavours , it wears a medal honouring the highest bravery that humankind can commit. She gives you a moment of peace and it lies beneath your feet waiting to settle on your skin. There is rain in the air, it starts in the west and rises with the sun, follows your footprints when you are on the run. Grasping at her clothes, her arms follow yours, you talk with your eyes, a language, of love, under the starriest skies. Lost in her whirlwind, I feel grounded in her grace, lost in the moment in the beauty of her face. And to think that she is an illusion of the majestic kind, her arrogance and emptiness have left her spurned and blind. And my footprints begin to fade.

Dancing in the garden underneath the stars, to music not heard by human eyes. Looking for belonging, looking for hope, sacred artefacts not found in the eyes of a lover. Shaking my head, shaking my bed, playing hide and seek with memories of snapshots taken before you were reborn. Lovelost and forelorn. Candles dance in the darkness, making shadows against the wall, fingers grasp for her, to feel her in your arms, to hear her speak your name, your name, your name, is beauty on her lips, sweet and hungry are those words which we wish to hear, felt by fear. Feelings, feelings left in a box on a shelf ******* with a bow, a gift, a wanton surprise.

Define real, define reality, define fallen. She wants a need she knows not of. How does this beginning end? I remember her as once we played with fire. Her introduction to me is not made. All I have to pay you with is faith and trust. She did not suffer once on this journey, she found her way in my arms, and found was I in her loss.

She is not the cure to your cancer, that toxic heartbeat you hold so wearily, that blackened hand you hold so scarily. Tick tock sound of the clock. And yet her heart beats on in your song, her smile is sat down and made to wait a while. She’s an excellent choice for you my dear, if only you wasn’t so queer. If you only didn’t sit in my seat, if only you didn’t make the tea, if only you were a bit more like me. Like you, like you, like, who? You? A mirrored image is that what I have become, I am not here, I am not one, with you. You want to see yourself in my smile, to make me sit and play with you for a while...for this time shall too pass my sweet. I meet your hands with a full on gaze, a full on face, I am not what I seem, I am not what you chose to taste.

What a spectacle, too powerful to behold and yet you are beheld in her grace, you can see the mark you leave upon her face. Her novice ways to you are upsetting, you have too much time to let her forget sin, and happiness leaves a crown upon your face? You laugh, she laughs, you sigh, she cries, you swoop, she falls, you live, she dies. Embers burn brightly in her eyes when you talk sweet nothings in her ears, If I were to understand you would it make much sense? Does god look for you around corners in dark bars? Her sweet breath becomes tainted in the morning light, you watch as she searches for dreams untold. She was never pure, never here, never an apology. Oh woman of mine, sweet divine being, I will not betray your trembling sight.

There is beauty in the fact that you are not there. Left behind, she looks to the sky, learns to live, learns to die, without. You. Heartbeats shatter and fumble around your ears, colours explode to your left and there she stands, to your right. Job done. Move on. Left, left, left, right, left. Full stop. C’est suffit. She gave you something from the folds of her dress and the car rides down the dusty path. Heralded by a greater cause, no with, what or who for’s, no silence begging for attention, you are preceded by your own detention. Beauty, beautiful, beatific, be still, sweet girl around my head. Hold my hand, let me walk with you by my side. You are my introduction to be made.

Crisscrossed in the night, arms and legs are making shadows in the moonlight, sign language only lovers can hear, noises that escapes from even the most pursed lips, hits my fingertips; drag me with you, tear my throat as you hear me. Sigh. A midnight dancer , she misses the spot on which you had her stand, lost the grasp of her amazing hand, and by my sight, by which I see, she is a most superb delight, the most gracious flight you ever did heed. And let my love be born from holding you in my arms, from when I watch you and you, in return cannot see; your ignorance is that of the most majestic kind, your internal war I can see in your person, you are not a battle scar, though a battlefield is more apt to the tune you dance to. Your lonlieness is sometimes too large to bear, my back is small and weak, my hands only hold your heart first, your tears must fall, fall, failing, to the ground.

Smile. You make me. Dance, I for you. Hear, the night sounds of your dreams. Touch, my heart with your words. Write, me a sonnet made of lies and imagination. Paint, me a picture. Fire, in my eyes, for you. Burn, burn, burn out the night sky. The stars have all combusted and dropped out of the sky for this. Me, I am acceptable in the shadows. You, play a violin unaccompanied to your nightmares. We, make this our own. Belief, a hope i have for you.

I’m laughing without breathing, my heart can’t make no sound, I feel myself lie in your arms and your arms held my ground. I’m the only pebble on the beach. The wind skims my skin and wraps around my neck and head. Blowing through my ears, until the sound of the clarity rushes through my lips. Does your heartbeat relinquish your fragility? No, Rachael, because this is not your dream, this is my reality. This beat, this tempo, is a rhythm of accusation, whilst your words defy meaning and lack concentration. You are but a fragment of light. Be still my dear heart, quiet my wandering mind. Be still. Do not flicker or quiver under this light. This sun’s dream is not for your day.

I’m exhausted by the very thought of you. By the burning flame I find smouldering in your eyes. My mind finds no peace. Here. You cause me to ask questions that I cannot answer. The very thought of you exhausts me. Your lack of integrity astounds me, your ingenuity befalls me; your haste quickens my desire. You are but a prism, a facade to bury the light. Your darkness is but a shadow of your former glory, your effort is benign and lacking, there are holes in your story. And when you are alone at your loneliest hours, your drink from the heart of those who live with light in their eyes.

I feel the heat on my fingertips, lost in the moment of a kiss from your lips. And as I lie, I lie, complete in your arms, my lack of worry enhances your charms. I cannot begin to beg to differ with your mind, your words are cruel, your body is kind. Restlessly I drag my hands across your back, making a movie, a different soundtrack. Why can’t some other conviction lie crestfallen at my feet? My belief is astute, my morals are neat. I do not heart you. I am not lost without you. However I feel useless and bound, whilst I watch you run aground, and I see you drowning up on the shore, I realised this is not me, the one I was looking for.

I feel my sides, my ribs ache for your arms. You, you, you I see from the corner of my eye. Counting the moments under your breath, whilst you kiss the back of my head and ask me how I’m doing. I’m fine, I’m fine, I repeat after time; for shall my ribs crack and my hips stretched out for the story, I wish I had nothing more than to feel your glory. To fit in your hand, to be lifted to the wall. I hear her voice it takes the beauty from me; for you just to lie down and take asylum and be free. And this is not your story, no, it never was, it was a reason why, it was your reason because.

And i? I am mindful of what we choose to do. I am mindful that life beats with you. But still, again, but still, I can’t help to recompense, that the size of your heart leaves me feeling immense. Her body is lost to me, my hands useless and found, for I hold your hand, whilst you run aground.

I’m whirling with two feet above the ground, I am lost, I am found. I am held, tantalised by your merry-go-round. And there is a sweetness to your skin, not known before. Sometimes I wonder what you’re fighting for. Confused. Your weakness is my gift. I appreciate your beauty. In the sunlight. Sometimes I can’t handle you being there, because you know too much, and I see it in your hands.

Another day comes up and we stay til the stars are bright reflecting in our eyes. When we sat on the scaffolding naked outside the house. We talked. We kissed. I dreamed of your reflection in the music I kissed. Your eyes they care nothing for me, they take delight in what they can’t see. And you are a poem in all that I write, you, I take away from the dark as it leads to the night. She, you must understand, is beauty divine, by the second hand. My love for her, is deep and wide. She is a beauty to be beheld by my side. I can’t hold her hand for I fear she will let go, even though, I know. She will never, never walk away. Lay your head down on my knee, my sweet, let me run my hands through your hair and tell me about your day.

Twisted by a mirror, running from the gun, you feel my heart is bled and numb. In the mentality of the situation, my words are futile to your ears, I could tell you ever-y-thing, I could tell you my innate fears. And yet I know, just by looking at your face, that I am saved, and this is why I cannot let myself. Fall. Wanting, needing, desiring for that something, that nothing that we all hunger for. I always be here, by your side, ready for the ride. God I laugh for it is benign that I should choose to think, you only want me after a drink. Or two.

She walks across the room and there is a whisper in the air. A wanton look, a wanton glare. Everyone turns to see, to see she is looking at me. I tell you, I tell you, oh man, I. TELL. YOU. To be the object of her affection, to be her means and her every objection, it cuts the very core. Of me. To feel her hand touch mine, her eyes stare at mine; this is what it feels to fly and be free. And I know I have sung this song before, many a love story, many a war; and there is many a lover to curtail the night, but this path I will not fight. This road I will eagerly strap my indiscretions to my back and joyfully skip in the sun. Because I do not want to give my heart away. Today.

Is there music when she plays with me? I think there is. There is no weighty stare. From her. She seems to know, she seems to have sought me out. And no matter how much I scream and shout, she is there. She is there. For I am something, if I was nothing before. And I have an embrace, a secret code, that only I should know. But it gets distracted from the one-trick-pony-show. Thank you, thank you; Thank. You. No-one can make this moment feel a lifetime like you, and yes I give you your due. Please don’t try so hard, my silence is unmanned, do not confuse me with futile supply and demand. Sometimes what I am trying to say, is nothing. At all.

The denigration of western society has been slowly been created by ourselves, we are the cog within the machinery. Anonymously we have in turn allowed ourselves to become part of the problem. We are silenced by those who had the loudest mouths who really say nothing at all. We live in awe of respect for those who have the power to change the world but do not. Though we as the majority have the power to do so, but have no self-belief. We are innately bound to this oppressive weakened society where capitalism and consumerism have become our churches and our footballers and celebrities are our saints. Never could they sin as bad as your brother or your sister, yet you would pay some media company to know it all, to see that their problems are your problems, that you are part of their world, that you secretly yearn for a place in this world that is more than what you have accepted. Because yes, you accepted this life. You accept this is the way life is, that you should suffer and be manipulated by greed and power. And to think how frustrating that is, that you accepted this, and however much you hate it, you feel powerless to do anything about it.

And what of love and passion? Even altruism has become anti-altruistic “he/she’s only doing it for the fame/power/money";  it quickly becomes a commodity. Where are the true lovers, the true passionate keepers of dreams and firer of fireworks? They are ostracised by society. They work in jobs we class as thankless tasks. They keep close company with people of their own kind however they are our key to being happier, they love equally and fully. They represent what many of us spurn but secretly wish to be or what we want. Freedom to act, to be individual, ‘to break free from the chains that bind us’. We are constrained by a secret institution, where ‘they’ are our gods. We live by their rules. It is in our minds. Positive mental attitude never hurt anyone, only fear and fear of fear, leading to hurt, anger, control has always been consistent when looking at manic depressive societies – when the only time we get truly excited is when a major chain store brand has a major boxing day sale.

Oh to think we don’t belong to anyone – we can actually be who we want to be, how freeing is that? To think that we don’t need to find love in the arms of another, to be loved is to be fulfilled. Really? What about the love for yourself? You can only be loved as your capacity is to love yourself, because that is how you will understand love to be.How to feel that free and to be in love and to be loved - What a freedom. Loneliness is a evil of the mind, bore by love stories created by the media, that we need to find our soul mate, someone to live with forever; to try to have that perfect relationship, and that someone with whom we are compatible with – when why not just be, be loved, love in return, **** happens. We break, we fall, we get back up, we are not alone, we can turn around and life be changed in an instance. But we never stop being. Accept who you are. Because this is enough. There is no check list. How you are perceived does not mean you are defined by just this. Don’t be defined by your dictionary term. You are loved. You are wanted. You are amazing and beautiful in your own right.
We are born, we die, this is what we are sure of; inbetween is the path that you make. So make it a good one. Smile more, because you really are beautiful when you do so.

I think there’s something you need to understand, I’m not half the man, you want me to, be. I am but burning embers; that is all that is left, of a time that was blessed with love, life and forever afters. I watch you lie whilst you are asleep, never have I seen anything so sweet as just to see you quiet and at peace. And when you awake it is as if, you never were here, and I long for the girl I saw dreaming of blind nothings. I want to see your sun, rise. I want to breathe freely with you. I want to sit with you and think of nothing, at all. I don’t want to hear your queries or handle your questions. I don’t want to be your placebo or neutered affection.

You have the capacity to bend and break, to give and take. But it’s like a language you don’t understand. Your fragility to me is something you cannot see. You believe in a faith I see is unkind, you believe but I think you are blind. But this is just my observation. And I have been proved wrong many times before. Who am I, to think that your words are wrong and don’t make sense to my heart? I listen with great in trepidation to what you think you are saying. I wish I could understand you. I try my best. Sometimes it’s not good enough. I am deemed weak to your tough. I am too heady, living in the clouds. And yet I do not doubt, you; rather you should doubt me, and I be less in your eyes, I can see them, benign with distaste, at something you don’t understand.

I think you look pretty. Your eyes sparkle with anonymity to their shine. To me. Sorry for what I have done. A million times before; to think you are something more. Too many expectations blur my vision, to give you too much to aspire to and the let you feel my derision. Here is peace. In my arms. I wait for you. I promise. I take off my grief for you, my hat is laid on the bed, for here I am at home. Turning your head to the east, I look to the west, I watch you put on your Sunday Best. For you would never show yourself naked to me. Never undress fully for me. Never look at me, except in a moment of passion, when I can see you. And I mean the blinding beauty that you hold within you.

I turned off the telephone, because I was waiting for your call. For I could feed you a thousand times a day, and still your hunger would not be fulfilled. So here I am left here, wondering, what is your exact use for me? I am not your mirror, nor your aficionado. Maybe you should come with a list of instructions because I am as lost as I was found before I met you. You look beautiful tonight, in that dress, in those shoes. And I thought you were going to leave. Me. I think I kinda like it. Because although you can’t see it, I am smiling, at you. That your beauty is only skin deep, it seems.

I wish sometimes I could lie in your bed. Just to know I was close to you. Once. Give me love, beauty, money, fame, happiness, and besides all I want is the truth. I hear you smile down the phone. I have a centrifugal soul, it allows me envelop you. To carry your heart without letting it break. Wrapping around you. It is a silent force, like the middle of a hurricane I am safe from the chaos at large. I try to kid myself It didn’t matter but the truth is you’re all I ever wanted.

God I am only 4 songs down but it feels like you have been here forever. Sat with your hand on my hips, your kiss on my lips, I waited for this. Where fairy lights twinkle around our heads, as we laugh and play, making music in our minds. Forging new memories to erase the old. Of times when you walked away because you were scared you’d be left. When times were made illogical because love got crazy and emotions exploded. Yet I look into your eyes and I am found. Feels like home? To me.

You’re the only one who can run your hands around my head, knotting my hair around your delicate fingers. Its fatal, fatality is worked through your hands. Soon we’ll all be breathing the same air. When we’re driving to nowhere, I catch you watching me out of the corner of your eye, smiling. You don’t know it, but you never looked more beautiful. It’s like reading a book and it just gets better, and you can’t put it down but you don’t want it to end. I want to dance, with you. Hear you laugh. Its divine providence that we are here, together.

It’s late, we haven’t talked for hours. We need not say a word. The sunlight never felt so good. Happiness is only happiness when shared. Not left in an empty room to be squandered away dreaming of forevers. And here I dream with you. In my mind. I like that. Taking my breath away just by lying here with me. That’s how I know that I am blessed with you by my side. Makes so much sense when you think about it.

Funny feeling this. Sense of loss. Who could’ve thought it would have ended like this. Because I never cared or gave a second thought. I filled my life with a roundabout of drama, it took my mind off this. Of what I should have done or be doing. The guilt crept in and I melted it away with money and pride. Who am I, when it all burns out, who am I? We fill ourselves up with what we think we should do, be or what they think. What does it all mean in the end? What was the purpose of that kiss, that word, that heartfelt moment? That hug that meant so much, the way my head was turned, the way you woke me at 4 in the morning to laugh about something random. It was something, that was nothing. I’ve been down this road before.

I spent the night lying on your kitchen floor, because I had never known words like yours before. I could not lie next to you knowing this was what you felt. I could not have made it better with the cards I was dealt. I am sorry for knowing how to be. I thought being myself was enough to be free. Tho I cried and weeped into your linoleum, I whispered words in to your fridge door. I thought I had been heard every time the lights came on. But you never checked on me. You walked straight past the door. I thought I was your forever more. I lost track of time. I lost the touch of your skin upon mine. Your lips, my god, they were lost. I cannot remember your face the last time you smiled. I am sorry. To feel this way.

Such a sense of loss. I cried over you. At what it had cost. Us. And yet in all grand schemes, what does it matter; what did it mean? I can’t help it if you made me feel good. What with the Jacobs Creek wasn’t it was meant to be? Funny feeling this. Sense of loss. Sense of bliss. Being able to smile when I want to die. Without you. I wonder if you think of me. If you remember me in the quiet times. And I like to think you do. And I smile a half smile because I am half paralysed by you. Maybe I have sinned, maybe I was wrong. Maybe this is not real, but something to make you think I have wrote a real song. Because I felt bad, I regretted my woes and still you, yes you, made it worse than what I already had.

Funny feeling this, this sense of loss. Nothing can quite erase the pain. And I have nothing to take you away. No painkiller, no chardonnay, no woman, can make you quite. Go. Away. Go. Away. No more making thoughts in my head. Seeing you reminds me of being dead. Of living without breath. Of being the **** in the situation in my own head. No nothing whilst you go on, go on, with yourself, living your majestic life, can make this situation any better. Baby steps eh? Sorry I must repeat, sorry; I always am, I can be no less. Loss, a familiar thing you would think. Eh? God this is so confusing, when will you stop being what I don’t want you to be?

I weigh myself on these scales as I’m keen for you to know I exist. I wanted you to answer my letters, realise that these words I write with dedicated perfection and chardonnay are for. You. I wanted to be your only to exception to the rule. I wanted to be your fool. I wanted to be. Just me. And that was to be enough, but the road was too rough. Drowning in pity, suffocating in sin. My words were too pretty and delicate. Worthless to the deaf ears they fell upon. My tears, my tears they fall wasted to the ground. Ravaged by my mis-communicated sound. The way I gave my body to you. I let you in. I let you feel my grief and you buried your way in. Deceitful you. Beautiful you. My life, my soul, what happens in heaven now?

I thought too many times I would be forgiven. This person was too much for even you to take. I kept falling. I kept going too fast and not using the brake. I thought I had finally landed, grounded myself from this stupid obsession. That someone once made me feel I gave the wrong impression. Too needy, too weak, too vunerable, too loud. Wore stupid clothes that stood out from the crowd. I gave too much then held it all back. Click, click, click, ******* clack. Where were you when I called your name. When I took you and held you in vain. There was my shame. There was my guilt and pride. Took you along for a ride? Are you sure my dear? Are you sure? Fed up of being told what I am worth waiting for. Yet I would make a pilgrimage for you.

Faster and harder braver than before. But you never liked that. You showed me the door. My light too bright, too shiny, too new. I was overall, too much, for you. For your highly expectations I was bound to fail. Just one small girl in an overpowering world of you. This power, this lowly pleasure, of giving you your due and then to hear your whatever. I am lost, I am lost, I am lost. I am bound by your words by their very cost. I never expected to borne to this, I thought I could just get on without your redemption. Lies and lies and more from your hand. This is not my world, your ideas are too un/planned? Who are you, who were you back then? To tell me that I am not right, I need to change from within. No. What? Your preaching’s are confusing to even the most intelligent man.

My body, my life. My heart, your strife. Not done with everything, you wanted more. Hell over high water, you threw me up on the shore. Please, oh please, oh pretty little please, wait, hang on a minute whilst I fall to my knees. Let me know when you’ve made your decision. Thanks. I’ll just wait a little lon-ger. Tell me. How does your faith instill such emotion? It’s all false love and devotion. Popular back in the day, the 80’s I may say, back when kids were high and it was easier back then, easier for me to write without a red pen. So you invented love as your folly, to prey on the weak, the young and the sought after. So you could fill your life with the ***** of your laughter. Ever-y-thin-g is so long and drawn out; be wild, be shy, be quiet. Don’t shout, so LOUD. At me. I need to hear what exactly you are telling me. To be.

I feel the cost of this illusion, the blow of those soft words to my very delusion. As you sat and drank coffee whilst I drank tea, I should’ve known I was terrified by the words you had written in the steam. I could see the turn of your mouth as we sat talking about nothing and I became hypnotised by the bruises they left on the air. I wanted to follow you but I can’t explain what you meant, or what I understood. Maybe you have forgotten I am here, did you make me disappear? Make me someone I was not. Made me realise I was just a hand to hold, to make you more bold. You were someone I looked at when I was asleep, realising that I had fallen too deep, into something I was presupposed to drown, from. You were the boy from the right side of town. You were the man, the boy I understood. Once.

Somewhat I remembered what I had been told, that men like you were too young to grow old. That your heart and your head where at war with each other, that you despised your father and hated your mother. Too long had I spent waiting on the front line, for you, to being, to tell me when the time. Was right. Which was right, what was wrong? Who was I in your song, the chorus, the verse, who was i? But your first...mmm the way you make me think, nor the way to feel. Some old time girl, some old time reel. Some laughter, some silence, some hurt in the air; never the one to turn down a party or worse to hear my stare. I was the girl against the wall, never too young, never too tall, never to say boo, or worse to say no. To you.

Turning curtains with the morning, the sunlight stayed all night. The wonder of ***** and the brilliant taste of light. I can taste the sweet lament in your skin; I can taste the beauty within. I can taste the disgust on your sweat as it reeks havoc on my mouth. The star you stand on holds less weight than before; you are thinking of leaving, thinking of the slam of the door. And my words have no breath, no effect on your eyes, and you leave in the morning smelling of your despise. I raise my hand to my head, my level to yours, I thought I had read your mind and opened your doors. This circus of fear, moral panic of hours, I was right about you, I knew you didn’t want flowers.

I was holding your hand once, I felt soft and right. The jigsaw puzzle I started, ended that night. No more with the wine, no more with the fat; I chewed and chewed, but enough, of that. I’m glad to feel this pain in my chest, I thought it could be something else. Some futile promise you made one day, you watched me cry, then I walked away. The addictive pain and passion rises within my chest, my mind is racing my head can’t rest. There are things I need to say to you, but I lost the train of thought, you attacked me with my own words. You were written on the back of my hand, to remind me of what I had to do. An ink stain, is what I put it down to.

I close my eyes. Feel your words inside my head. Whispering carefully they say the sweetest things, on my thoughts they do tread. I feel the beat of your heart, it pushes from beneath my skin. Oh. My. Lord. My saviour. I cannot withstand this heat from within. I feel no breath to breathe from, no more. No ending, no beginning of my hand to your lips; from where the waves meet the shore. Tender music is made and formed from the shell of my ear. No-one will believe the symphony I hear. I crave the touch of your fingers. Thought I should let you know. You lie with me, myself and I. I am addicted to the very idea of you. You became my labyrinth, my torso, my rabbit hole. I tied you in a knot around my neck and left you there to hang.

And he held my head in his hands, looked at me and told me that he was at home. He took my eyes from the world and gave me a universe to see. It’s a miracle. I was blind, now I can see. Take my breath and I am still free, to breathe. Where does the time go when I am laid in your arms? I could be here forever and never know the sunshine, the air, the rain or the wind. No night will seem so dark. I watch you talk to me, and I am lost in your words. I forget myself. I forgive myself. We conquered the world that night. We made new revelations with our silence, and killed the silence with the laughter. Oh my god the morning after. La la laaaa la. Sorry do I cry tears right now. Do I look at you and make my vow?

Phe-nom-ne-nom. I sing along to you in my head. Reliving our moments. Rethinking what you said. Jefferson Airplane never said it so well. Woodstock was where this moment was born. I cut off my locks, I was reborn. Samson was not I. Running round walls I never thought were there, catching the moment before it was lost in the air. I listen to music before I never knew how to exist. To love, to cry, to believe, to fly; I was kissed. Traipsing my hand across your back, I listen to you. I try to hear what you’re saying. But all I can hear is myself. I revel in my wealth. I was lost, I was lost, I was lost. And , man, it feels so **** good.

Reminds me of time before i was even began. Before i even had to understand, before i knew what i had to lose to love again. Before the times i had to learn a lesson, before the games. When i was new and shiny and not rather cool. When i wore my hair down, and couldn't care less about people like you. When i never knew what beauty was or thought about when i would kiss you next. Before i would waste all my heart on a girl who i would sit up all night and txt. Before the days i would take off work to mend a broken heart. Before i met that girl would dance with me in the dark. When i knew to be lost was never a good thing, where i broke my heart but wore her ring. When the irony was lost and i was drowning and suffocating in the pressure of it all.

I would look for every crack, for every little fissure of light. I wouldn't look for the good and bad, or expect the moon, the world or the sun. I never told all those girls 'you're the one'. Looking back now with a smile on my face, and a sadness in my heart. I think of how i really played my part. Which role was i to stumble upon, what would be 'our' song? Reminds me of a time when i never really listened to begin with. I was never really fully understood. I would talk forever and a day and you would never really understand. Remember those girls who were to cool to hold my hand. Or the one i used to watch whilst she slept, or the one who used to weep in her sleep; the one who swore her love, the one who wanted me but had to let go, and the one who just went and stole the whole ****** show. Remember, remember the one i talked to for over a year? Well she was just a daydream, it was to appear.

I was oh so pretty, and so very amazing and nice. So ****** perfect but just a little too good at being me. Memories. Reminds me of a time before. We talked the whole night through. I made more effort than you ever knew. Tried so hard. Gave up twice before. Once i just straight walked away through the front door. Reminds me of a time when i finished her sentences and she finished mine. Thought she was my soulmate and we were forever entwined. Of a time when i laughed just because it was funny and i cried because it was sad. And how time changes and how it seems like the end of the world. Each time i fell, i thought she was my world. All throughout forever. Reminds me of a time before. When i was younger, more naieve, willing and so sure. How i became trapped and guilty, shunned and broken. How i rose like a phoenix. Winds of change; at my best i was deranged. I was to pity the fool i became with each time, i would sit here and write a new rhyme.

Reminds me of a time before i even began, to become who i am today.

This is the moment.
A tambourine plays the last 4 beats as a kind of finale.
Ghostly applause.
The slamming of the wooden doors.
And the background music never played so well as she ran out in to the night.
Devolving, revolving back to when the crescendo was building pace.
Never did I see such a smile on a face.
Beauty.
Am I no longer an extension of the day?
Grieving skin, chattering teeth and my eyes will lie to you.
Four walls, kindly take a bow for me.
Two names that no longer sit side by side.
I broke through all those Sunday shoes
Scuffed the edges.
Made my pledges to blank vacant faces.
Lost passion, pride is futile.
Dancing around trees in the sunshine with the breeze in our hair.
Running for the waves
Big tears we do cry.
For we are big girls now.
For we are all grown-ups now.

I watched her lips get wet, as she took a drag from her cigarette. I held her close when I heard her shout, because she finally knew, I had her figured out. Don’t be so pretty, don’t be so coy. Don’t walk away, don’t act like a boy. Don’t question my feelings or make me sore. Don’t, just please don’t, walk out of that door. I want to be the only person, in. Your. room. I want to feel your eyes on me. I want to be the one that you can only, desire. Kissed by a moment. And if you can convince me I am pretty, I will marry you.

So many rules, too many ways to be right. Oh, but please, don’t get me so wrong. Don’t interrupt, don’t guess who I am, or come on too strong. You may not understand that I am myself. Please don’t let my deficit be your burden of wealth. I just want you. To love yourself. Too much to ask? Too much to grasp. I want to feel your arms around me, feel your heart against me. And know, that you are there. No two bit stamp on the back of my hand, a fleeting night under the sheets. No, convince me I am pretty, and I will walk with your shadow til the sunsets.

I am not your buddy, I don’t facilitate second-hand-emotion. I do David Bowie, I do listening to the rain, I do dancing drinking, I do living without shame. And of these words that have been said before, keep gett-ing, left behind with the close of a door. Isn’t it shame you tried so very hard? Clouded, misjudged, may be a bit plus-****? I hate apologies, or the shame of self defeat, where is your fight? Please ground your feet. I am getting bored of myself; the intricacies of freedom hidden in a secret box. Convince me I am pretty, for your are the one who only would know.

I watched her eyes drift to the side, as she held back tears she could never cry. I held her closest when she pushed me away, and when she told me to leave, I made myself stay. Do be you, do smile when you can, do hold my hand, do act like the man. Do make me talk, don’t make me talk ****, just make me realise, you love me just even a little bit. And when I convince myself I am pretty, I’ll be fine, just fine.

I want to be your starting line; the last bullet from your gun. I want to feel your chest against my back, I want to be your one. I want to be the only one on your stage, under your spotlight; I want to be your morning, your noon and your darkest night. I can’t be distracted by you even for second; for your very smile with your very mouth, makes my heart beckon. I want to see you straighten your tie, and fix your crooked hat, I want to see you be with me, I want to see us looking just like, that.

I don’t want no drama, I just want some fun and laughter, let’s not worry about the future, let’s not worry about the happy forever, after. Just let’s take this moment, and let it run. Take a ribbon from my hand, twist it, plait it, wrap it round your heart. Let’s just not care, and let that be the start. Don’t leave me to die within your beauty, don’t leave me dancing without you. Lets take pictures til our batteries die, and let the night foreafter ensue. I want you to be my one, I want to be your golden hour, your only golden setting sun.

(I want to be so wrapped up with you. Enveloped in your arms and legs so tightly, so that I can smell, your smell. So in 10 years time, when I am stood in the supermarket and you are no longer around, I will smell that smell and think you are stood right beside me, holding my hand. I want to be so in love with you, that every time you leave, I feel deflated, depleted and dramatically fall to the floor screaming to the stars, for your return)

I want you to be here, to feel my heart beat for you. I want you to be here, to be here just for you. And when I look across the room, I know that you are there, that you are looking at me, looking with that deep intense passionate state. I want to be your full stop, the point from which you do not pass, I want to be the ending, of your loneliness, the one, the only, the last. I want you to read this, this nonchalant article of faith you cannot withstand, I want you to read this, look at me, and take my hand.

Sections of hairpins starting to fall,
relief in the cold as you cling to the wall.
Watching the rain as it shoots thru your eyes,
calming the feelings of all that you despise.
Hearing them screamin while you try and curse,
beginning to shout louder as the bubble bursts.
Breathing the the dark looking for a star,
marking your territory as you slide thru the bar.
Blind but painless, killing the light,
feeling the room as you grasp for the night;
then rolling your fingers thru your revelling brain,
wondering if your duvet will go insane.
Sweating out the blood from the memory of a stare,
calling a name, wondering is she was there.
Pinpricking the iris, the beauty of the eye,
hearing all the words in the inch of a sigh.
Walking on the magic of the silence of a tune,
grasping the carpet in the middle of your room.
Endlessly dancing with an invisible hold,
watchin and falling as the cards begin to fold.
To amazing to fall, too strong to cheer,
too beautiful by far to feel this fear.
don't run from the wind when the wind beings to turn,
instead ignite your soul and let your passion burn.....

I felt like you had flown me to the stars to see the moon rise, and then dropped me. My heart broke before I hit the earth. As I fell I watched you drifting further and further from my eyesight. I miss you but not as much as I miss her. That is why I can bear this stick and stone kinda hurt. I watched you put on a hat and tie for me. Twirl your moustache for me. “Call me if you need me” you said. “I love how you smile” you said. “I think you are beautiful” you said. All the things you said. Seems like a stupid ridiculous pop song.  How life can be so real. How you made my world turn, like a shiny disco ball you projected magnificent images across my wall, my bedroom wall, the walls of my mind. And soon they shattered into tiny ambiguous pieces.

A blister on my thumb. A spot on my jawline. Broken legs, broken heels. My mouth is sore for you. I fly like an empty wrapper around your feet on a dusky night. My words ***** at you from a white sheet where you are always the headline. And yet somewhere in the air there is music only you and I can hear. And you will never read me or will never hear me. A Caucasian homosexual feminine intelligentsia is on the prowl Be. Ware. I watched you dance on a festival sunset. I watched you smile, just at, me. I cut my tears on your, words. I have never hated someone so quickly as I have loved you. Panels of light beam from the floor as you walk along. My heart follows you like a lost red balloon.

You lie on me as a small child would to their mother. I want to make you dance across the room, wearing my shoes, playing a small ukulele, listening to my radio of songs you’ve never heard before. I want you to smile; I want you to be fearless; I want you to forgive me; I want, I want, I want...small pretentious, unforgiving, pedantic child. I am. Impatience. I crave your touch. I crave your ****** touch and your smile. Too much to ask? One can dream. Some would say dreams are nothing but empty thoughts. My dreams are nothing but you. So my thoughts are of you. I spy with my little eye, a disco ball, a shattering mirror falling to the ground with the pieces of music splintering into a million decibels on my ears. I cannot make this nonsense make sense. All I know is, I love you. I love you with an earth-shattering heartbeat that defies the sonic boom. i.love.you.

We all fail. This is redemption. Keep your money; all I want is the music.

I don’t tell you I love you to let you know I care. I don’t love you because of why you think I love you. I know you would be too scared. I wait, wanton, wanting and wasted. My morals are misconstrued. You play like a bad memory in my background. An old time movie I wish had never been made. I came, I saw, I fell over. We all dream out of nothing of life we cannot but dare to dream. Who am i? Is this something you endeavour to understand? Everything is ok, no? My love, my heart, its splintered, its fragmented. And you stand there watching the wall, waiting for me to say the right words.

I feel, free. I can look without waiting for a reply. Do not go so far, that I cannot see, you. All this for no picture. We just have to remember it. You will have to remember this always. That we made this journey. For no-one, for nothing, for no end, we made this journey. And all of you, this entirety, I will miss, all of you. I have learned to love you, I have learnt, in this house, in this mind, in this heart, that I have given you the right to live and dwell. You are not written in a book. Though I wish you were. I am not a blanket, I am not a regret. I am the one you will never love without, the one whose love you will always, always, always without question, doubt.

For the one person who gave me everything for every time I needed your time. I do not see your horizon. I do not see your end. I do not see your time twist and bend. I want you to take me down back streets, in perfumed alleys of life I can call my Home. You are not wanted except by me. I am your sultan, your majesty, your majestic, forever. Will I know this, but once? Will I know what the sunlight feels when it caresses your cheek, the way your heart feels when that, that very fecking music plays; I very much doubt this. I do not, Trust. I do not, Trust, your fall. I do not, I do not at all.

Forever. And ever. And ever. I remember once when the car broke down, it somehow made us closer and I really wonder now, above all else, why? You are not the music in me, I know I can fall and you are not there. There is such a tragedy in love, to know your heart rests in someone else’s palm , fragile as a fragment of air, ready to be encompassed, suffocated by the fists that very much bound them. Do I love you, because you love me? Do I follow because that’s the only way I can see? You took me all, dragged me through the dirt. And now who is left, but me, with a memory of disgust and hurt.
I am not here, I do not lie here...

So by my hat, i take my leave, bite my tongue and begin to grieve. I take in your eyes, as they watch me go, and see your heart and its breaking sor-row. And by my hand, a broken hold, which once was yours, now grows lifeless and cold. I left you waiting and wanted alone, i left you sitting next to my ivory throne. And i am not here, nor there or below, i move with less effort than the wind or the snow. My heart has grown weary, tired and broken, for all your promises you made are lost and mis-spoken. I miss your hand, your arms and your kiss; i couldn't stand your tears, your venom or fists. I am surrounded by you when you're not here, and so i sit and cry some solemn squeezed out tear. You broke me down, you wore me out, you didn't catch me falling, or hear me shout. And where are you when i need you the most? Wandering in self-pity with the air of a ghost.
So adieu my love, au reviour, and good luck, so lay me down and let this be our last ****........

I thought you would have made the most grandiose of lesbians, as women go, you were quite sublime. You caught me with your androgyny of  hair and your boyish shoes. Too safe to listen to country music, your exquisite headphones blasted out some beligirent cross-hatch nonsense. So i tailed you, so i went to where your footsteps had inwittingly left their mark. I followed you into bars with organic juices, and book shops for the intelligentsia. I watched you across a crowded room, in smokeless bars, whilst you laughed gently at friends jokes; and how i wished i was the punchline, what i would give for that mouth to smile at me. Mirror-red, i would take off your head if you would let me.....

How i wished you were dead, so i could mourn you in a proper fashion. Looking glass. Paper hearts. Ancient things i had forgotten when i looked at you - so exquisite, so shiny, so super and new. How everyone envied me. I had been so good uptil now - the modern bride, wedded to my mind. Singleton screams soprano from my face, orange peeled lips. Unzip me, my handbag head spills on the pavement. Confused by you, confounded by you. Oh you majestic awe-inspiring lesbian, you seem to tick all those (non-conformist) boxes. I, a brilliant lazy yorkshire matinee; you, a grandiouse west end friday night opening. I read the script, somewhat deja-viewed. Are you shocked i worked thee out?

A date with your phone. oh, how, very..... original. Though i cannot but tear my eyes away from what you are doing....a penny in a handful of silver. Drop from my fingers, remove your eyes from my sight. REmove, my sweet experienced delight. Watch as i drive away..the weight of my absence must crush you surely.....? Do alarm bells ring?...No wait..does the heaven sing and mourn your loss? what a pity, a-fly-by-the-night-at-any-cost-i-don't-care-because-i'm-toooooooo­o-cool-for-you, sorta pity? I am not your shadow, your stripes were blacked out by the light, i didn't care to see anymore, and i knew you would not follow so i chose my leave to go. (just so you know, this is me...leaving, you)

Too many lips for me to count, you talk tooo much. You sit there and all i can think of is lying you down and making you stop, talking. Too much? My oh My. Let me take you from here, make you forget who you are. Walk down a beach, hold hands, even if its raining. Too much to ask? Oh so many task. So many standards and obligations, too many notes and standard citations. I just want to do, anything, but listen to you talk. Again and again, i wonder when you will stop to look at me. I guess you would always be the girl, who was afraid to know, the truth. For the lack of you, do something. Four seems better than three, don't you think?