I would rather care too much
Than not care at all
That way I'll be the one waiting
When you finally fall

I don't hurt too much now
Though I may at times cry
As I'd rather live with love
Than regret and remember hate as I die

I felt you.
I, felt, You.
Before I even met you.
I had dreamed of you since the 90's
and never known it;
Through episodes of byker grove and Dawson's Creek,
I longed to be the rebel in the story,
and we would ******* into the sunset.

I felt you
In every GCSE and A-level result;
Elation and deflation of achievement,
which led to me to feel the same
in kissing one boy, whilst dating another,
like I was tasting ying-yang in my mouth
pretending it was double dip; sweet and sour,
and realising I never much liked sweets anyway.

I felt, you,
From the take-off at MCR
through the greyhound at NYC central station,
to the VIA rail stop at SBURY.
I felt you in the air of the smoking car,
in the hard ******* in the train toilets,
to falling in love with a twist I was never meant to curl.
And 10yrs later I can still tell you what that tasted like.

I felt you.
In every dance move I learnt to attract a beneficial gaze.
In each time my lover ****** me and left me.
When I was lost in textbooks
and I fell in love with the wrong type of girl;
And as she drowned me in champagne, and I ****** her with my eyes,
I felt, I was a fool for, you.

I felt you,
Each time the make-up *** started,
to when the bruises began to heal;
To when I walked away and became the hunter,
with my tequila shot eyes casting a weary bedroom glaze.
I felt you as I licked each shot glass clean through,
and put on my moves, snorted a line of gunpowder,
and ****** to the beat of the dance.

I felt you,
In every ***** I kissed,
Knelt on my knees, watching the time,
as ***, sweat and spit filled my mouth and nose,
and I thought thank god for that, when it was over,
and I got to light a cigarette,.
I felt you,
As she whispered, panting and hoarse,
'no-one's ever ****** me that good'

I felt you.
As I brought the girl home for the first time,
and she threw red wine round the flat
and ****** me like it was my birthday on the 4th of July whilst celebrating Holi.
She ******* made me that night.
She was ******, and she still tasted like water after getting lost in the desert.
In the red wine we drank, I felt you,
from the seed, to the sun, to the water, to the grape,
as you fell dripping down my throat.


I. Felt. You.
The first time a man undressed
in front of me and I blushed,
whilst running my tongue across my teeth, tasting lust and my heartbeat.
I felt you in each ******, each stare that wanted to slap me for *******, then **** me harder each time; in each bead of sweat that would be licked from my body, to the way I was smelt, to the look in his eyes
and each cup of tea we drank copiously throughout the night.
I felt you as a power was unleashed and surged throughout my body and mind in cruise control.

I felt you.
In everything I ever wanted in my teenage rebel dreams.
In everything I ever wanted in learning the bitter sweet crescendo of taste
In everything I ever wanted in a worldwide love affair.
In everything I ever wanted in a 5yr cocktail world with a dancing girl
In everything I ever learnt from a hidden bruise
In everything I ever wanted in salt, lime and a gunfight, stalking my prey
In everything I ever licked, ******, devoured and became a karmic bruise on my heart
In everything I ever found in the never-ending well of love and heartbreak
In everything I ever learnt about loving something that was broken.

I know this.
I felt it as you kissed me,
and I felt you move
like the universe was between us, within us
and we were joined once more,
by a lip's caress.

Man,
i have one hell of a mean appetite,
my brain is stuttering
and my fists are ready to fight.
Feel my mettle,
heat the core,
watch my face,
as my feet hit the floor..
Come one step deeper,
one head **** behind,
they say scream harder,
as i begin to lose my mind.
But there's no vouch in my voice,
and no breath beneath my chest,
i can hear the thunder roaring,
in the beating within my breast.
And i can't see the boundaries,
between where me and i begin,
you want to see me roar,
as if the game is ready to win.
I'm one step caning it,
3 steps naked on your floor,
I beg you to be harder
as you come through the door.
No-one asked for this music,
as i turned the juke-box on,
but i danced the night away til my feet bled,
and sang where there was no song.
I am 10 beats harder hitting,
My heartbeat is keep time,
throwing my hands up to the sky,
and i look for the horizon line.
Pull me in harder,
throw me out with the acrid air,
that you left with the ruffled sheets,
and memories of me being there.
I have a deep insatiable hunger,
that is lost upon the ground,
and i have a rumbling scream,
that is vacuum packed in sound.
Running, running like there are care packages,
being dropped from the sky,
yet everything is an illusion,
and i'm left digging through a 'wondering why'.
Shadow boxing in candle light,
with someone i barely know,
and i am ready, and i am ****** willing,
for you to enjoy the show.
*******, harder, faster,
til the sweat becomes pearls of dew from my lips,
and i bite hard down upon some skin,
and rip apart the sheets with my fingertips.
I taste, and choke, and i come up for air,
Hunger; hungry desire is written in my skin,
and i let my body release endorphin's
and i dance with the passionate demon within.
Eat me, excite me, exhume my heart,
my hands are shaking with pure white heat,
so i will sit quietly breathing nothing,
and calm myself from the soles of my feet.
Man,
do i have an appetite,
Come feed me
with cucumber sandwiches,
and cups of tea.

My darling,
I remember,
when you laid in my arms, and i watched you sleep,
like it was the most simple thing you could have done for me to fall in love with.
You held my hand against your chest like it were attached to your heart,
your very lifeline entwined within my fingers.
I watched each rise and fall of your chest,
and it was the only thing in the world i knew that was keeping me alive.
Your face looked as if it had found heaven,
and as i slept i found mine in yours.
I wanted to dive in with you, in to your dreams
and see what you were seeing,
and feel what you were feeling,
because i wanted nothing more to be everything,
your entire world.
I remember,
when we used to laugh and the safest place i felt,
was in your arms,
and when we used to laugh, it was like our world collided in the air between us,
and exploded like a firework in an indian night sky,
the space that we used to stand apart between,
was now joined as one.
I remember,
you had the most beautiful eyes i had ever seen,
and my brain forgot how to formulate words when you looked at me,
I went dumb,
and  i was ok with that,
being lost in thought at you.
You used to tell me how i was the most beautiful thing you had ever seen,
and i was loved more than i ever really knew,
you used to tell me that i had saved you,
that you wanted to be my forever,
I remember now,
I remember.
I remember,
how you thought i was your everything,
when really i was drowning without you,
suffocating without your laughter,
blinded without your eyes,
and numb without your hand.
Memories of you,
the best thing i ever lost.
You saved my heart,
as i was drowning in a sea of pain,
you threw me a line,
after line,
after line.
I remember now,
how i loved you with all my being.
And you really did save my life.

Love.
I am desert sand. I was lost in the sun. Blinded
Black. Hearted. Ice. Cold. Veins.
Rebel ruined.
Not one single drop of water was spared.
Desert sand. Strained through your fingers, looking for diamonds.
In the heat of the sun. Starched white to the bone.
Devastated by my very nature.
Lost in allegiance to my morality.
Look at you, look at you....me oh my.
My love, has no eye, for a single derision, of indecision, of loss or fate or something along those lines,
behind the broken front gate, and the new pane of glass in the bedroom window.
Did you really mean to make me cry.
I was too loved, for you to get by?
Not 50 per-cent, of a hundred of where i needed to be.
Sitting on your knee.

Love.
I am parched.
Sand grits between your teeth, as you swallowed the ocean within me.
Countless times i wandered around, these dunes.
My darling, darling, i lost you when i loved you.
Where did you go?
Are you hiding from me, hiding from my knee, from my coddling, and, you're not listening to me.
For, i talk too much.
Too long I have sat in silence over you.
For you hold me in your arms but you hate with your eyes, and i am lost in the ****** sand; you dried me out, you make scream for you, in the rain, and i lost sight of you, but i never forgot, how you felt, when i laid in your arms.
Did you really mean to do that?
Reborn in your grief.
You spat me out between your teeth.
From a mouth which made me think heaven, existed on earth, in someone like you.
Eyes of blue.
Scorched with hate.

Love.
You found me.
Trickled water in to my lips and made me believe it was from the gods.
Cold. Hearted. Girl.
Illusionless. Defeated.
I Fell For You.
An oasis, you, appeared to me.
Heat burnt from the inside out, sustainable combustion, which left through my mouth, and made you a man of worth, bespoke with grace, that you never had, but i endowed you with my broken self.
If only to believe i would never, leave.
Ask me, why i love you.
and i will tell you, i have to run.
Running from the sun.
From the fall-out of the world from my chest, on to the floor.
Flying out the front door.
As i drown in sand,
and you let go of my hand,
and my face, becomes a mirage of a hue.
Death, in me, becomes you.

I'm trending love.
I'm trending hate.
I'm trending the fact that you always reply a little too late.
I'm telling you that you are less than enough.
And when you **** me, its a little too rough.
Pounding away like you're shooting a gun.
All too soon.
I never come.
Too pretty to make you feel let down.
Fake it always, you're the shittest rodeo clown.
Take off your ****** face.
Eat me wide, go on, give me a taste.
Sink your teeth into my bare flesh,
feel my history in my blood
seek me out in all my mess.
I am showing you darling
in my very sweet tones
that my succinct naivety is nothing more,
than what you want from your white ash bones.
I am trending you
I am trending your ****.
I am trending the look you wear
and the music you rock.
I am seeking a feeling more than text, a wink or smiley face.
Look, At, ME.
Am i that easy to replace?
Bitterness is found in the sweetest pill
i'll bend your ***, i'll bend you over,
I'll ******* at will.
I will move my trend towards your neck
outpour my lack of interest in your ear,
tell you what it is you want to hear.
*******, and **** your nation.
**** your distinctive'taste',
and your senseless judgement and interrogation.
I am not some sweet-***-****-drive-by-shooter-girl,
I have ******* brains,
I am seconds away from tearing apart your world.
I am living safely from behind my defensive line of white hair,
**** that ****, i don't want closeness
rip my clothes off, don't leave till i'm wanton and bare.
Oh and i am trending your messages
I am trending all of you.
I am not trending depression, ****** up or feeling blue.
I am trending love, trending the great divide.
I made it through and over, to the other side.
I am not what you will ever believe me to be
a glimmer, of a hint, in a riddle, is all you will see.
I am trending what is insane, and what is not,
I am thinking, your thinking of,
'what the **** has this girl got?'
I am not here to make you laugh, or for you to wish for more,
I am here to be left broken and wet,
on your kitchen floor.
I am trending honest, i am trending passion and life,
I am trending a big fat ****** smile,
Because I am not your possession or your future wife.
I am not trending your **** size, or  your 16 positions in one night,
I don't want you to cry on my shoulder
I am not trending 'your mother', i have earnt that right.
Look, At. ME.
Second chances rarely come as few
and when i walk away, i will walk away with a taste of you.
I am sweetness, i am luxury divine,
make me bite you, scratch your back, forget the time.
But at my cost, at my control, this will be,
you are not my attachment,
my soul is not your key.
I am trending love, i am trending ME
for what is locked within, is never for free.
****.
Me.
What a trend

There is something there, in the essence of this, something that i tasted, salt and sweat, dripping from your fingertips. There is footsteps in the stairway around my heart, i hear them creaking in the moonlight, as you find your way in the dark.
Where is my vision?
I don't tend to look at your eyes, i cannot, i do not have to be that strong. I found a million pardons, when i was asking if there was something i did wrong. I feel the scoop of your hand on that familiar place on my back, and i headily breathe you, as i hear your knuckles crack, from the weight of my familiarity.
Where do i come from?
What is that whisper in the ****** air. The dreams that i have are so absent and so bare. I lost and i lose and try to walk again, on broken ankles, with broken toes, my legs have the strength of ten men. And i am lost, i am lost, and i will say it again. But i am lost in being lost, so is this my religion, my prayer and my a-men?
Where is my heart?
Free me, throw me into the air, shoot me, ****** me, act  like you don't care. There is no obligation in an ounce of your tone. Your music is denotation, your heartbeat becomes a microphone. And you sing, you sing, a love song to me 'Dorothy you are home'
Where is my place?
Dreaming of second comings, and i desperately seek your face. I want to kiss you, to kiss you, with my lips, i will erase. You are nothing more to me, than a seeker in this battle of sun-down to sun-up. Find me, come hide me, come fill me with your cup.