You don't belong somewhere
Average.
You don't belong with someone
Ordinary.
And right now
Your life is grey and white
Not too dark and not too light
But I'm telling you, darling,
Don't let your life be newspaper clippings-
Born, Married, Died-
In cheap grey ink.
When you cut your ties and discover every color of your sunset
You won't have the patience for anything less than breathtaking.
I'm asking you not to have the fear
To settle for less anyhow.
I'm asking you to risk for you
To be selfish
To try the stormy seas instead of sitting in the harbor because
You are not a two car garage with a beige house attached
You're a castle, stained glass windows throwing rainbow cut outs of stars on all the floors.
You are not a November drizzle,
You're a summer hurricane.
Even if you never choose me
I'm begging you not to let your love be mediocre
Not to let your life be.
I'm asking you to go for what you deserve
Instead of what you fall into by accident.
You deserve the moon and the stars,
The sun and the planets.
You deserve the richest, loveliest of lives.
Please
Find your adventures, find your passion.
Just cause it's here
Doesn't mean it's good enough.
Don't let your life be newspaper clippings
In some old scrapbook under a bed.
Don't let yourself get caught in a practical, faded existence
Just because it seems like the safe thing to do.
You are not grey and white,
You are every spectrum, like a prism,
And it would be a crying shame
To let this life
Contain you.

I have a secret
That I dare not even whisper aloud.
It gnaws at me,
Makes me scared.
For years
My dream has been you.
For years and years, every single falling star
Has had your name attached.
Every wish I made
Was you.
Everything I wanted
Was you.
If somebody asked me
At any moment in time
What it was I wanted most in the entire world,
I would have instantaneously answered:
You.
And the thing that scares me so,
That I dare not say with my lips,
Is that
The other night
A star fell
And I wished
With my entire soul
To be with her.
And now,
Now if someone were to ask me
What I want more than anything in the world
More than breath
More than life
More than home
I am trying to avoid knowing
That my answer
Is no longer
You.

don't forget the strange lonely
chills you get at 5:15am
don't forget to look up the sky
for stars and for hopes
don't lose sight of the void
in your hearts and
your cold lone bones
don't forget those green
delicate veins under
your soft flimsy wrists
don't forget to leave those bleak
reflective yelling shards of glass
alone and out of sight
don't forget yourself
how you've stayed so strong
and even broke to pieces
don't forget you can finally
say that you are happy

I wonder if you're in his arms right now
And it makes me
Sick.
It's been nearly a year
And it hasn't gotten easier.
It hasn't gotten easier.
It hasn't gotten easier.
It always did wreck me, that I could wake up in the middle of the night
And wonder if you were in bed with him
Right then.
It always destroyed me
Because I never got that.
I never shared that with you.

You...
You were the only person
I ever wanted to sleep with.
And yet
You weren't the first.
You weren't the first.
You weren't the first.
Because you left.

The night it happened
I never told you I cried
Because you weren't the first.
(I wonder if I will cry
Every time.)
I wanted you to think
That I didn't care, that I could do what you did.
But inside
I never felt a thing but empty
And I will always be devastated that
You weren't the first.

And maybe
Maybe you won't be anything
At all,
Maybe I will never be that close to you
Ever.
And that's why nights like this
When I sit alone and wonder
If you are with him
Right
Now
Crush me just like always.
And inside I can feel my bones crack and splinter
Until I'm a pile of twigs and dust
And I change the channel on the television instead
Of splinting them back together.
Because I sort of want to stay crushed.
Because you are still
The only person
I want to be that close to,
The only person
I want to have
All of me.
My skin belongs to you
And to this day whenever anyone else touches me
Part of me secretly wants to push them away.
And I know I will have to live with that
Through your love affairs
Your marriages
Your children
Your divorces
Your choices
Your life.
I will have to live somehow
With that beating right next to my heart
Knocking it out of time, hitting it like a punching bag.

Tomorrow I will notch my chin higher.
Tomorrow I will smile.
Tomorrow I will be strong.
But tonight?
Tonight I don't want to pretend
I'm okay with it.
And no matter how high I turn the volume on the tv,
No matter what I read or listen to or draw or write,
I know that I will not be able to drive from my mind
The skewering thought
That maybe tonight
You are in bed
With him.

it is the color of a misty morning,
when the world is silent and
the dawn has yet to blot the last stars out of the sky.
it is the feeling of frost on your windowsill
but warmth in your bed.
you shut your eyes,
determined to keep the imminent sun at bay.

it is the color of dreams chased away
but consciousness yet to be attained.
of time standing still,
of a breath waiting to be exhaled.

this color is
calmness
contentment
quiet.
the shade of a prayer before bed and
a sigh upon waking;

the shade of peace.

adversely,
it is also the color of the clutches of loneliness,
of the weight of sadness.
it is the color of somebody's world crumbling apart
but with nobody to bear witness to their silent pain.

this color is one of falling, of screaming, of drowning--
but with nowhere to land
and no one to hear
and nothing to hold.

this color often associates with death.

it is the color of lips and veins
when the heart stops beating;
the color or cold and
the color of tears.

but always remember
that it is above all the color of beginning.
of the sea
and sky
and eternity.

it is an infinite color.

it is not the color of goodbye.