when i'm reminded that i'm human
things swim out of focus
and my eyes work hard to catch up,
but they can't

and my heart races like a
man keeping beat for the band
and i can't help but realize
something the size of my fist
keeps the blood in my body
from sitting stagnant

and my brain wanders
to the darkest corners
covered in dust and cobwebs
behind the bookcases
that chronicle my 23 years
finding the most vile and disgusting
pages that make me up,
the ones i thought i had
torn out and thrown away

and you sit there with that
knowing smile, shaking your head,
because this isn't the first time
that i set myself apart from the rest

and i stare back straight into your
eyes and calmly whisper
that i'm not one of them

but my heart keeps on beating
and pushing the blood through
one piece of living
flesh to the next
and into the brain
that looks like any other,
and just like you,
without it, i'd be dead

i spend my sundays waiting for the sun to reach the edge of my sagging roof porch and
in the sprawling moments in which i wait i flip through pages which tell me of my destiny
and i try to figure out why the **** i care about a future that i may never know,
but good god do i care.

these words swim in front of me like creatures in an effervescent pool, glowing green,
because of some strange algae **** that sticks to them and their surroundings,
forever catching my eye and interest, though they will never leave the pool, or in this case,
the pages on which they lie.

i analyze each past moment in contingency with each morsel of advice this book has to offer
and i wonder how many times i've already ****** up on my karmic path,
but somehow i find comfort in the small intricacies that weave within my own existence,
time passed in the way the book spells it out.

i start to wonder if this is any different than witch craft, or religion,
and i find myself faced with another question, what exactly do i believe in?
suddenly i realize that the purpose of this book isn't to give me answers, it's to make me ask questions,
and that's when i slam it shut.

i'm sick of answering questions and wondering who i am, like i'm some ******* hero from an epic,
plus the sun's starting to warm the dark roof that scrapes my bare feet when i pace back and forth,
and the only thing that makes sense right now is going outside and
lighting my last ******* cigarette.

i sat on my roof and screamed,
i'm gonna revolutionize this
******* world if it kills me

and my neighbors all turned
and stared, interrupted from
mowing their lawns, washing
their cars, teaching their sons
to play catch, and daughters
to go fetch their morning papers

they quickly turned away at
the realization that it was just that
crazy neighbor girl who hasn't
done **** with her four year
degree, but create a fortress
in which she hides day after day

they smell that stanky marijuana
pluming out of her window
and watch her stumble home, drunk,
listening to her sing along to the music
that the devil has surely put on this
earth to corrupt good catholics,
like the one she once was

and they shake their heads and
hold tight to their son's shoulders
and even tighter to their daughter's
hands, because maybe, just maybe
if they hold on tight enough they'll
always be dumb enough to withstand

because the masses are the winners
and this is the spoiler,
we're being taken over by cookie cutting
stepford wannabe *******,
and they're gonna ruin the world

I want you to be there,
standing at the end of the road
that winds through mountains, over rivers, into canyons,
where ever this life takes me,
until it begins to head towards you
on an undeniably smooth and steady path

you'll stand there,
surrounded by sycamores
whose leaves have begun to turn
and as they begin their leap of faith to the ground
they will dance around you
because nothing in this world can deny you,
your magnetism is inescapable
the moment I lay my eyes
on your golden halo and fresh water eyes
I'll never look away

we'll meet there,
our roads becoming one
and I will walk with you forever
I'll never become bored or restless,
I won't wander, because,
what greater love is there
than the love between best friends?

I'll stay there,
with you, in this love, forever,
I will stay
because I could turn my skin inside out
and you wouldn't see a piece of me
that you didn't recognize
and you would still look me in the eyes and tell me,
"you're beautiful, but you already know that."

this city took me in
when all other plots of land
scorned me, with their
glacial shoulders and fire eyes

the boarded up houses
turned their sagging porches
into wide mouthed grins
and the sidewalks swarmed with
rats, roaches, and strays
singing their welcome

strangers held my hand
as I wandered the West Side
passing along dimebags full
of knowledge and love, as if
I were one of their own

and slowly, but surely,
I became a piece of the patchwork,
my limbs and core feeling each
forceful pierce of the needle

I was made one with this city
that needed me
just as much as I needed it

there is something beautiful about a sad girl who stands staring into her own soul,
leaning hard against a mahogany mantle wondering how quickly gravity would take her if she let go

clutching onto something solid reminds her that she isn't lost inside some ****** up dream,
that the twitchy movement on the edge of her peripheral vision isn't your ghost ready to bridge the then, there, and in between

yesterday's masccara leaves the perfect hangover smudge, and wild curls turned stale frame a face ridden with gloom,
sadness and beauty compliment each other so well, she looks herself in the eye and decides to say forever locked in this room

I am beautifully ******
in a zone wedged between
perfection and pleasure

perched on a throne of swans
with star's light illuminating my gaze

I wander through intricate plucking
into a field full of fresh, wet snow
I sway there, the sun warming my face

music ends and I'm still blissfully lost
next to the garden of my mom's first apartment

I stare into the tree of life's center
hoping that if I look deep enough
I'll find answers of what's to come and what has passed

Adam and Eve grin at me devilishly
and I want for nothing more than an apple

i have walked to the ends of the earth
and peered over the edge
sat with my feet swinging
like a little ******* a bench
wishing her limbs would grow longer, stronger

i have seen what lies beyond
and i'm no better than i ever was

in fact,

i'm worse

because all that i've learned
is that life in eternal solitude
isn't life at all

and all that i want is you,

telling me i'm too close to the edge
holding my hand so that i can't let go
reminding me that the beyond is for those
who can't figure out how to live and to grow

and i love you for the things
that you teach me when i don't want to learn

for the way that you make me see
something that's been there all along

i love you because you made me believe
that i'm not always right and that
admitting i'm wrong doesn't have to be
laying down and giving up my plight

i love you because you're not afraid
to look me in the eye and tell me
******* it, erin, don't be so terrified
that you can't let go and fly

i live in a world
of sheets littered with
pen marks, used tissues and sweat

mind you, the pen marks are black
because i only write in
black ink, blue is too foolish,
if that makes sense,
although i'm quite certain
that it doesn't

i lay my head on torn
out pieces of poems, better
left unfinished
and i breathe deep
mostly because i love the
smell of worn paper
and a little because i
don't want these words
to feel unloved

i'm a writer who knows
her mediums better than
she knows her self

tonight was the last time
i'd walk into my yard
without shoes on
and not lose my toes
to the frost that breathes on the back
of our necks
even though the shine from the sun
still freckles our faces

i stood there and held steady
as bailey ran figure eights around me
weaving in and out of the rhododendrons
knowing just how long his leash would reach
before his collar snagged on his windpipe

i looked over the fence,
saw that your light was on,
but i knew you were gone
being pumped full of formaldehyde
and by now they had cut you open
and taken out my favorite part of you

i thought of the time when i was just four
and you rolled over on that ride on mower
wearing that old hat you'd gotten
back when they called you the anaconda
your skin was like chocolate and i thought to myself,
now that man looks delicious

my daddy handed me to you over the fence
and i sat on your lap, we mowed your two acres together
you singing stevie wonder, me singing the beatles
back and forth we went until every last blade was clipped

i rolled down the sledding hill and you smoked your cigar
and laughed when i got up and couldn't figure out
if i was looking up at the sky or down at the earth

and when your big hands
held my tiny shoulders
the world stopped spinning
i looked down and there was
the tiny gold locket that i still have today

my momma called me for dinner
and you picked me up,
put me on my side of the fence
and winked at me like you always did
but that day was different, that day you said,
erin ann, you're the daughter i never had

i know that the blood
that runs from my heart to my brain
to my finger tips as they write this
is not the blood that no longer
races through your veins,
but lord knows,
that won't make
watching them throw the dirt
on top of you
any easier

bruises on my feet from
a night i can't remember
in that town that i can still
navigate with my brain
turned off and my body
left to it's own devices, a
dangerous moment, but
i've been here before

a zombie version of myself
wanders down main street
staggering back to a home
that's not mine to crash in
a bed that i once would hide
in, alone, and it's crushing
this spirt of mine

and when i wake up the
next day to peals of laughter
and look at myself and don't
understand, i'm a mess and
a martyr who just can't grow
up yet and i'm bitter and
wishing that time was on
my side

when i pick up the phone
it's you that i hear now and
i'd do anything to turn back
the clock, but it's me and i'm
alone and i can't reach the
hands now, and breaking
it is the only way of making
it stop

wild the way that summer nights consume us
as we lay mesmerized in the damp grass
by the tiny buzzing bugs
who's butts blink bright inches above
our shining foreheads, thick with the day's sweat

and as our fingers walk a thin line
from blade to blade
they begin to dance
around one another,
seemingly full of life,
but all they yearn for is a place to rest

our faces are but inches away
and i can see the freckles
on your shoulders
as i look down because you've
already caught me staring
one too many times

little do i know, you're studying
the way the moon picks up
the blonde streaks in my hair
and the scar that sits
next to my left eye
and makes me look tougher than i am

and if we could both burst open
we would and our insides
would explode into the sky
like giant burning rocks hurtling
through the atmosphere,
gravity tugging us closer and closer
until we finally collide  into one another,
a beautiful disaster

the night that the earth stood still
i backed up into a parked car
and ran away drenched in cowardice
with guilt dripping off of me in long greasy streaks
like oil leaking out, painting the pavement
a color that none of us quite understand

i played games and ****** ruthlessly
and gobbled up a luna that came from a place
where the sun was still shining
and people were going to drop off their minds

i wore boots and stomped loudly
up old creaky stairways
with lace curtains whispering
of past indiscretions,
but i didn't listen,
just breezed on by

and when morning came and i laid there in silence,
except for the jangling of my bracelets
as i searched for the words that would sail me back to you,
i knew all at once that i was a liar and fraud

the earth was now moving
and i loved you, god, i loved you,
but i have never been on time

oh you are all so *******
good and ******* righteous
with your Facebook statuses
and tweets and blogs
that you pour your hearts into
reposting better men's works and words
cowering behind a screen
that hides the fact that you've
resigned your life to nothing
but giving others the publicity
that should have been yours

perhaps the more pathetic
thing is that we live in a world
where this is acceptable
and the norm
where people are given the ability
to like, and reblog, and comment
instead of actually making contact
and establishing relationships
"**** it, if i want to talk to you,
i don't actually have to talk to you!"

and here i am, the eternal hypocrite
writing a ******* poem on my macbook pro
that i'll post to a poetry forum
so i can get off on all of the likes, reads, and comments
it collects

i mean,
who the **** am i if nobody else tells me who i am?

i look outside
at the green murky water
that fills
my in-ground pool
and i remember the day
i tried to clean it
but i was too small
and weak
and the heat was too much
so i quit halfway through

and now leaves drift
slowly to their watery graves
among moles, spiders, and frogs
who foolishly yearned
to take a refreshing dip
from which they never returned

the reflection of the blue
october sky and
sparse leaves
is beautiful and heart breaking
and i half expect
corpses to
float to the surface
and beckon me below
with their waterlogged
finger tips
and broken tooth smiles

i picture myself,
toes on the edge of the diving board,
ready to take the leap

i'll swan dive in
and sink to the bottom
and broken bodies
will hold me
as i learn to say goodbye

remembering to let go
of what i've been
clenching in my fists
for so long
hurts

in the same way
the hunting blade did
in the raeman cabin

at first it's all shock
and the blood explodes
and it squirts
everywhere
and it's on my face and hers
and my clothes and hers
and the floor and the walls

i just looked at her
and said,
"i cut my finger"

and when i went
outside
everyone gathered
around me and stared

i'm not even sure what that
has to do
with what i began with

perhaps it's the shock
of something tearing into
you so deep
when you least expect
it

or maybe
it's the sustenance
that still pours out of me
despite
my desperate want
to hold it all inside

or the fact
that no one can help
but gawk with their
gaping mouths
at you as you're
losing vitality by
the seconds that pass
in slow motion,
but so quickly, all at once

and then all you're
left with
is a deep aching pain
that reaches
places you didn't know
would feel the gnawing throb
that settles in deep
and won't soon vanish,
but rest assured
when you lay
on your
pillow
surrounded
but your
curls,
resiliency is not
something
that you
were slighted of

the day that we stood
in that empty tar lot
and felt the heat rise
from the ground
into the soles of our converses
behind the apartment
under the overcast sky
was when i first knew
that i wasn't going to let go

it was after we had traipsed
through the woods
with your sisters
and i had climbed the wall of stone
and leaped fearlessly
to the water below,
you tried to kiss me
through a waterfall
and i was too afraid
to touch your lips

and as we stood there
and prolonged the inevitable
you took my face in your hands
and tried to kiss
every freckle
and it took all of me
to keep my knees from buckling

and when you bit my lip
in that way that you do
i felt like i was going to explode,
i couldn't get close enough
even if i crawled inside of you

i drove away slowly
watching you walk away
knowing,
i wasn't going to let go

broken baby girl
screams of want
for the new world
just beyond the horizon

but she's been
sailing a sinking ship
with holes in the
sails and
an anchor that
drags through the depths

crew jumped
overboard
a thousand
leagues ago
and she stands
at the helm
compass in hand
perfectly unwilling
to live this one down

100 yards from land
she holds the hand of the
figurehead tight enough
that slivers work their way
throughout her palm

and as she breathes in
the salty liquid and watches
the sun streaked sky
littered with screaming gulls
fade away

she knows that she's finally
found a way
into the great unknown

the ease
of being bad
and doing wrong
is alluring

to cheat is simple,
to lie is easier,
and to run away,
now that, that comes
quicker than breathing

i'm practiced
in the art
of being a
girl who just
doesn't give
a flying ****

or maybe it's the
fact that i can
paint a pretty mask
and don it for all
eternity

and when they
lay me down
to rest
my youngest
grand daughter
will peer up
at me
and see a face
she never knew
cause the devil
doesn't want
nothing but the
naked truth

the stench of onions buries itself
underneath my finger nails
and no matter how hard i scrub
it lingers

earlier i chopped vegetables
haphazardly,
these days i do nothing with care,
hoping that one wrong stroke
will rip open an artery
and when they ask how i died
someone will say,
"she lost the fight with a bell pepper,"
as they try to fight the smirk
off of their quivering lips

and i'll be nothing but ashes
blowing with the wind
laughing at the fact
that my awkward ways are still
making others uncomfortable

we stood by the doors of the train
in the sticky heat that kept
me from wanting to sit
because i hate when my thighs
hold onto the plastic seats
like it's life or death

i stared into your irises
and noticed that they weren't
what i had always thought they were
in times when we were miles apart and
i had closed my lids tight and imagined
you staring back at me

a drunk man stumbled onto the train
and as we stood stagnant for
10, 15, 30, 45 minutes
he slammed and slurred about
public transportation and the *******
that just don't know how to do their jobs

you and i stood silently laughing,
and the happiness in our eyes
was all we needed

i hold onto pieces of time
like this and it's what keeps me breathing,
knowing that one day, i'll add to the archive

perhaps that's the hardest part,
the inability to make new memories together,
because in the end that's all a relationship truly is
and that's everything a relationship truly is

pen, paper, phones, computers, smoke signals, homing pigeons, bike messengers, telegrams, postcards,
none of them are you

i thought of you earlier
and the way that you rip my breath
right out of my lungs, up through my chest,
then my throat, and finally out of my mouth
and into your own

and as you breathe me in
i know that one taste is all you need
and you can read me like i'm some kind of
page ripped out of a well loved book

you've got shards of my soul
locked up within your own
and i can't help but look
into the depths of the bottomless pits
that reside heavy set in your face
with a relentless stare that i won't soon break

wordless communication

because we're all just animals
and the words that fall out of our mouths
haphazardly onto the laps of one another,
like heavy bricks falling from the top floor of a building,
are simply clattering noise to break the silence
that most of us cannot endure

i'm screaming fix it at the top of my lungs
and i'm inches from your sweaty forehead
and your eyes are the color of a sky
that's too pale, like someone's been stealing
the pigment one drop at a time

when you're unsure or sad or disturbed
they look down at the worn concrete
littered with cigarette butts and footprints
of drunken idiots just like us, not into my own

and we're sitting outside of the place
we all call home, where the ***** is too
cheap and the faces are all familiar
so much so that they start to blur
no matter if you're on your fourth, seventh, or twelfth

you're telling me the blame is
not going to fall on my shoulders,
but i feel it rain down like tiny pebbles
all pooling between bone and skin to
create one giant boulder inside of my chest

and perhaps it's because i know the words
that snake their way from your lips to my ears
will soon be covered in slime
from the regurgitation they will undergo
as they are repeated, perhaps with more conviction
the second time around,
but to another set of ears

it's interesting that as a woman i have
never felt more like an object than right now,
and it's at your hands, the man who promised
to never let anything compromise
the bond that tethered us together
through early afternoon games of catch, bowl smoking
before class, and long talks that left us out of breath

it seems you've erased who i really am in your
mind and replaced her with a giant
cardboard cut out - thinner, taller, more beautiful,
and much more compelling to stake claim over

in a world
where we
all crave to be
understood,
but different
and complex,
all at once
i was left
feeling as if
i were in
a cat's cradle -
undeniably
wrapped and tangled
around myself

for many moons
i tried to
believe
that it was me
and my lack
of an explanation
that could not
be translated
to the language
you had begun
to speak
that was quite
different
from my
native tongue,
but i began
to realize
that speech
had nothing to
do with it,
and it was
your refusal
to open your eyes
fully and drink in
all that i had
laid out
before you

i contemplated
myself often
and the idea
of change
flitted around
inside of my skull
like birds trapped
in a cage -
i knew i had to
set them free

it's been said to me
and i've said it
to myself,
i will find the one
who wears no
blinders,
who speaks my
language,
who wants me
fully

i will find that one
in due time,
when the timing
seems wrong
and i haven't
the time,
he will show up
and drink me
in and fill
himself completely,
and snip away
the strings
that have rendered
me useless
when it comes to love

sometimes i witness tragedy
on the silver screen
and it punctures a hole
right in my heart
and it makes it's way in
smooth and silent
without my knowledge
and the next thing i know
my heart hangs low,
low and heavy and full
and i've got strange thoughts
in my mind

odd how strangers
can impact us more
than those who
surround us day by day
and when i think
of the man
who loved liza
i want to weep forever

it's funny how technology
has made it impossible for us
to bury things completely
our past is never hidden
when all you have to do
is google a name
and a lifetime pops up on the screen

tonight i spent hours
reading the messages
you sent me
that said that you'd love me
forever and that you would
always be a part of my
happiness, no matter what

if this were 1953 i'd be
reading letters
and my tears would smear
the heart felt hand writing
that bared your soul

instead the salty liquid
sits stagnant on the
spacebar and i'm
holding on tight
to my screen
trying to force myself
to simply shut the laptop
hoping that closing it
will wake me up from this
dream, oh nothing is
going to wake me up
from this
says the inner realist
and i'm still typing away
about you
adding to the never-ending
archives of our love
or what it once was

we watched an airplane
eat a man alive
and as his body caused
the cylinder to explode
i couldn't help but laugh
because that's what i do at times
when i'm not sure how else to react

and as you laid your head on my lap
i knew that you wanted to kiss me
but i couldn't look away
from the ****** scene in front of me

you took my face in your hands
and when your lips met mine
it felt as if old friends were
embracing after years on the road

and when we ****** in your bed
i couldn't help but laugh
and i was surprised by the fact
that you liked being bit
but i didn't mind delving into
your skin with my teeth

three hours later and i'm still
messed up and you're still
making me wet
and the sun's coming up
and i'm not ready to let go
but it's time we go to bed

and there is some beauty
in listening to mouths
speak a language
that you may not understand
but at the bottom of the screen
stream the words
that leave the lips

you begin to realize
all you've got to do is read
and that you haven't
forgotten how to
take it all in

and as boys fall in love
with girls in cafes
and ride around on mopeds
and ******* their bodies
to men who needn't the money,
but the ***
because they haven't touched
their wives since
they gave birth
to their second child

you begin to realize
how beautiful
french truly is
and that you haven't forgotten
what montmartre's graves
look like in the evening's fleeting light

and as a girl falls in love
with two men at once
and they discover
how sordid lovers can be
while painting their
stories for all artistic
eyes to drink in slowly
and they lay on their
brand new queen,
because there just isn't
room for three
on a twin

you begin to
remember that spanish
is full of passion
and that you haven't forgotten
everything you learned in tenth grade

words may be formed
with different movement
of our tongues
and you may not have the
slightest idea what i'm saying
as i scrawl down these lines,
but i'm certain
that we've all found beauty
in listening to someone
pour their heart out
on the page

i stand in front of you
smaller than how
you remembered me
yes, i've been shrinking away
and my parents
throw worried glances
at the collarbone
that now juts out on my chest
like a sneering grin,
lifting on the edges
my father asks,
"will you waste away to nothing?"
and all i can do is shrug

i stand in front of you
and i wish that you would
open up your chest -
grab the sharpest thing
you can find and cut yourself
wide open-
just so that i can crawl
back inside
where i once lived
within your core

i want to feel the
damp warmth
that puts a strange
feeling in my nose,
for i can't decide
if i'd like to throw up
or **** the air in
deep into my lungs
again and again,
surround me, once again

i don't care that it
may **** you to open
yourself up to me
or that once i'm inside
i may find myself clawing
at the walls until
i've rubbed off
the skin on the end of
my fingertips so
that no one will
ever know what
has become of me

my selfishness
blinds all sense of reason
and innate want takes
over now, for
the one thing
i would like the most
is to be as close
to you as i can get,
without ever having
to look into your eyes

is it wrong
that those
in love
make me
want to *****
lying on my back?
so that the
900 calorie
barbecue cheeseburger
that i ate for dinner
kills me in a manner
other than
clogging my
already corroded arteries

once you're alone
it seems as if
everyone is together
and it makes you
wonder, who
was writing
sick, twisted
poetry
about you and
your lover,
holding hands
and staring into
each others eyes,
as if irises
hold all of the
answers and
promises
to a beautiful
life

i'm the girl
who lives
for the moment
when inspiration
strikes
who writes
more than
she speaks
because it
just feels
right

i'm the girl
who's loyalty
is all she
can see
with very
few humans
who truly
get me
(yes, i know
i sound trite
and ******
as can be)

i'm the girl
who speaks
volumes without
saying a word
the girl who's
thoughts are
often seen, but
not often
heard

i'm the girl
who falls down
and picks
herself up
without anyone's
hand to
give me a shove

i recognize
truth and
i believe in honor
i know myself
well and i
am always a
scholar

my brain likes
to eat
new knowledge
with fervor
when put
on the spot
i always
deliver

i'm the girl
who's guilt
often consumes her
who feels
more deeply
than most
could want
for

i'm the girl
who sees past
surface and lights
i can see who
you are even
on the
darkest of
nights

i live with passion
and stand by
what i do
you may not
know me, but
i probably know
you

i'm the girl
who is constantly
evolving
who's brain
is used for
magic and
solving

the girl
who won't sleep
because the
minutes are
never enough
who refuses
to let the
game
make her
too rough

i am who
i am and
i'll be who
i'll be
and chances
are you've had
some effect
on me

for humans
i let in
through my gates
most
definitely have
helped me
to decide
my fate

today i dreamt of the lower falls
and as we climbed
the hundreds of stairs
down to the landing to look up
we noticed that there
was a line forming at the top
of the canyon opposite us
and just as we clambered
down the final steps
they began
jumping one by one,
laughing as they went

and it wasn't that
gravity was taking them

for they floated
down like feathers,
light and beautiful
dancing with the wind

they had taken gravity
and thrown it away with
one fluid movement

and their laughter
could be heard ever
so slightly over the
plummeting water
that landed on the sharp rocks below
and it was the most
beautiful chorus i had
ever heard and i wished
aloud that the sound
would never leave me

it didn't occur to us
that they would eventually
land bloodied and mangled
on the rocks below
because they looked
far too in control
and graceful for such a
horrid fate

instead i imagined them
reaching the bottom
and vanishing,
simple as that

for it was obvious
that they had had enough,
even in my dream world,
i knew they weren't
jumping just for the
thrill of it

girls with twisted souls
stand together
and marvel at
the beauty of life

they feel the lowest lows
and take blow after blow -
head, body, head, body,
but they always pick
each other back up
and shove each other
in the right direction
for their souls
are twisted together

horrible little monsters come out to play
sink the sun for the rest of our days
scare one and all, make them scream
close their eyes tight as you whisper, "it's not a dream."
poke them and **** them hour after hour
lock them away in the world's highest tower
make them beg for water and food
shun them and say, "don't interrupt, that's rude!"
send them on marches down the coasts
walking over coals as they roast
and when they start to beg their God to die
smile and say, "there's no man in the sky!"
laugh as they double over in pain
smirk as they slowly become insane
and soon the world will all be one
full of horrible little monsters, your work is done

you walk in
i'm standing there
spritzing lingerie
to make it reek
like high class prostitutes
do after a night
when the cash flow
is non-stop

"Hi how are you today?"
"Grumble, grrrrr, grumble."
"Can I help you find anything?"
"Well, grrrr, I want the bra, arrrggghhh, I've got on. LOOK AT IT!"

i slowly approach,
postponing the inevitable
for as long as possible
as you lift your ancient
once black, now grey, turtleneck
and release an avalanche
of layer after layer of blubber
that jiggles ever so slightly
as it is disturbed by the movement

it is covered in a thick forest
of black hairs and
i swear i see a herd of lice
scurry off as i cautiously
lift my hands to inspect
the tag laying in the depths
of the jungle that lays thick on your back

the moment i make contact
with your skin
it takes all of my willpower
not to pull away in disgust
as my fingers go
for a ride on the slip n' slide that
is your back
it feels as if you have been
bathing in Crisco since
you were just a child

as i finally grasp the
worn and stretched material
and turn it over
i'm not surprised
to find that your bra
feels as if it just went for a swim
in Onondaga Lake
mmm, sweet, sweet radioactive sweat

i fumble around looking for
any indication of a tag
as you begin to tap your
foot with no rhythm at all
and suddenly you exclaim,
"OH, I cut the tag out of this ages ago!"
and storm away back into the mall
throwing bows and ***** looks
as you go

i'm left staring
as my sweat saturated hands
thinking,
"**** Victoria and her secrets."

everything is temporary
everything is temporary
everything is temporary
until it's permanent

the muscles in my right arm
break and rebuild
as i sloppily throw the mop
into the grey water
accented with glitter and swirling with paint
tiny finger and shoe prints
litter the linoleum
and i can't help but smile

fourteen hours later
i sleepily climb into my car
and i watch the sky as i drive, not the road
and the sun begins to lift it's eyelids
and it looks as if the sky is bleeding out
slowly, but surely

and as i drive on autopilot
i think to myself,

i can do this
i can do this
i can do this
until i can't

necessary means to an end

i found you one day
when i was only 15.
funny thing is,
you were only 15 too.

you were cut kinda funny,
so off they shipped you.
your color wasn't quite right either.

i tried you on for size
and you were perfect.

robin's egg blue.

since then we've done a lot,
and seen a lot too.

we've been coast to coast
and overseas.

spent summers at the ballpark.
handing out dip'n dots
and watching pop flies.

moshed, danced, drank, smoked, ran, biked, swam
together in fredonia.

climbed over mountains, deserts and everything in between.

one night we were in a three legged race
and that's when you got your first hole.
the lace pulled right through you.

since then you've gotten a few more
and your souls have worn thin.

i think of them as battle scars,
memories.

you tell my story better than i ever could.

all day
i've been thinking of tonight
that bitter taste in my mouth
lick and dip, baby,
that's all it takes

do you feel it?
i don't know
do you feel it?
i can't tell
how are my pupils?
huge!
how are my pupils?
sharked out!

ooohhhhh, we're feelin it

then the bass comes in
and crawls through the floorboards
slow and steady it makes it's way
through the tips of our toes
and sits heavy in our hearts

with each beat we fall
deeper and deeper
into the moment
and we feel the music wrap
itself around us
and we let go

each movement
is unplanned, but it's precise
because we've got something
in us
that makes us move in marvelous ways

when i get ****** up
it starts in my teeth
i can always tell
by the way my chompers feel

candy flipping,
rolling,
tripping ***** ,
smoking blunts

my teeth get this feeling
like they're not quite right
it's hard to explain
just how they feel
but i know that something
is quite unreal

they feel sort of fuzzy,
strange to the touch
i rub my tongue on them
and i can't feel much

then the rest of me starts
to fall into place
wave after wave
crashes over me
i begin to feel it physically
the next thing i know
my mind is wandering far
to lands that i haven't seen in awhile

i know that many
will look at me harshly
for this confession
but i'll be honest,
i love to be ****** up

why do i bother?
knowing that lifting you up
only makes me sink further
into the dirt

soon enough i'll be six feet under
scratching at the soles of your feet
but you'll smile and laugh and say,
"oh how that tickles!"

that's just like you
to forget who you climbed over
to get to the top
the only thing that matters
is where you are now
and i'm ashamed
that i've let this go on

will i always wear my wishbone
where my backbone belongs?

now i sit here among the bugs and rocks
watching myself decay
from my feet up
and as my bones begin to protrude through my skin
jutting out at odd angles
and ever so slowly breaking down
to become one with the earth
i realize, too late
that you weren't worth it

reality sinks in
like thousands of pins
piercing my skin

this is home
in the sense
that i've lived endless days here,
but i've never felt
more lost in my life

down the rabbit hole
   i go
only this time i'm
falling
         alone

things were much
simpler
when your hand
was always in mine

when i land
with a thud
at the bottom
of this long
tunnel
things are too dark
and my eyes
have trouble
adjusting

this time there's
no one to lead me

i crawl on all fours
through the dirt and grime
mud caked onto my fingers and toes
creepy crawlies
scuttle across my appendages
but i don't mind,
i welcome the company

feelings
that i thought
were my own
sloppily spill out
out of the ****
in my face
that you carelessly
made with the dullest of blades

i can't stop them from escaping
and my cheeks
burn crimson
as i watch my
most intimate thoughts, feelings, moments
drift away
down stream
the entire world standing
on either side
drinking in
my misery

you stand there
smiling
and try to strike up
friendly conversation
fully knowing
that i can't possibly speak
because of the
endless flow of emotional *****
that escapes me now

my earth eyes burn
you to the core
but you feel nothing

you never did feel anything
did you?

when i was a little girl
i drove a pink convertible
i didn't mind that it was
slow going
all i needed was the breeze in my hair

i would dream that i was driving
across the country
to california

i always knew that the east
would never complete me,
even at the tender age of four

now i've grown up,
physically speaking,
and i've had enough of this coast

one little taste was all i needed

sick of the east,
i'm gonna
run away, run away, run away
to the place that might sink,
but the sun shines all day

sometimes i look at the clock
and then i'll look again and
it seems that time has jumped

i wonder where it goes
and i feel sad

sad that i can't keep tabs on my minutes
sad that i'm unsure what i've spent the time doing
sad that those are wasted minutes that i'll never get back
sad that my life has become so obsolete and unlike my own

i used to take great pride and joy
in the fact that my time
was used doing things that
were important

now i have no idea
what important is

i'm not sure i ever knew

does anyone even know i'm still here?
covered in every holiday imaginable -
easter, christmas, halloween, even the last owner's menorah.

i'm full of dust
and i'm not sure of
the last time i saw light
from under the collection
of all things forgotten.

these curtains
that hang over my edge
have got psychedelic swirls
of orange and brown.
i can't tell
if it's *****
or a design.

eyes peer up
over my ledge
periodically, but
no one seems to see me
buried beneath
the mountainous
memories that i've collected.

loan gloves call out
for their partners
and their voices go hoarse
over the years,
but they never quit.
my ears grow tired of
their low pleading groans.

prized possessions
that once put human's
eyes aglow now sit
in sorrow and stew in the
realization that they have
truly been forgotten,
much like myself.

i remember the hands
that cut me
from an old oak
in mississippi.
i wonder if those hands
remember me.