to say my heart has been misplaced
could not be further from the truth.
i know exactly where it hides,
because it was i who put it there.
deep beneath the dirt
that crawls with worms and centipedes -
underneath the rock
that's laid for years and years and years -
layer after layer
telling stories of earth's youth -
down into the molten fire
that burns forever more -
to the center
where a chunk of ice sits heavy.

won't it melt?
you ask yourself,
but this answer i do not have.

in the ice right at the center,
that's where my heart does lie.
and only the greatest of adventurers
even entertain the thought
of poking into the earth's entrails,
where man should never go.
but most don't believe that ice can exist
where molten fire roars.
so they arrive there and are disappointed,
their souls deceive their eyes.
for they cannot believe in things
that don't add up like math.
they sit and ponder
and then give up, their journey gone to ****.

i myself, chuckle under my breath,
until my sides do hurt.
what did they expect?

i sit and i listen,
and nothing sounds right.

i want it to be deep.
i want it to be painful.
i want it to emulate what's in my heart.

then i realize
that it can't.

the only way for that to be possible
is for me to create it,
and i can't help feeling sad.

i wish that i could help
people to understand.

but i know that i can't,
oh i know that i can't .

i sometimes think
to myself,
'i'm the loneliest girl in the world.'

i don't pity myself,
for i know,
it's me who's done this.
only i could have done this.

today i sat
in my living room
and i clicked
and typed
and clicked
and typed
and clicked
and typed
and then i found something.
something that would change me.
something that is changing the world.

it began as a group of men
marching peacefully.
carrying flags
and speaking their beliefs.
young and old came together
for one reason-
to defend their rights
as man.

they walk past palm trees
and tall city buildings,
on the streets that were once
their daily commute to work.

they come to a barricade
and are the army wastes no time.
they are fired at.
all hell breaks loose.

men fall,
men cry,
men run,
men die.

i'm still sitting in my living room.

i dream of bad things
and when i open my eyes
they swirl around in my brain
like a cocktail being stirred
slowly my brian is poisoned
by these strange feelings i've got
and the rest of my day is tainted
by memories that aren't memories at all

i try to believe
that everything's got meaning
but sometimes i wonder
if i believe too much

you stood there in a dream
and then we ran from something
in an old house
that i didn't know
i tried to kiss your cheek
and i couldn't reach

i search for meaning
in everything
i wonder if maybe
there is none

a life without meaning isn't life, right?
at least that's what i've repeated to myself
so many times that i feel
as if those words are etched
on the inside of my skull
so that when i close my eyes for sleep
that's the last thing i see

I have consumed myself with heartless adventuring
Forgotten from where I come
Dumbfounded and shocked my family stands
As they see their daughter, sister, friend on the run
There’s something that eats me from the inside out
My soul becomes a shrinking stone
Soon I will skip it across the great water
A keepsake for those back home

She consumed me from the start
I never stood a chance
Even before we met this world
She found a way to win
Now I am the piece that just can’t fit
In this puzzle made for five
A tumor on each of them
But I do not bog them with my words
I do not have her swiftness
I manage on my own
Watching them all in silence
I see what they cannot
Those who say too much
Cannot hear

Now I have lost who I once was
I have been fixed
But who can say what fixed really is?
My mind is a clock missing its cogs
Time is askew and the hands have gone wrong

you are my people!
i shout it from the tops of these absaroka mountains
to the bottom of the canyons and beyond
i know you can't hear my bellowing
but it comforts me to let it out
and i know in the depths of your souls you feel it

because you are my people
we are tied eternally
in a web that will never be broken
from our days of yellow jerseys
and sunday school with bowl hair cuts
to smoking cloves and cutting class

you were always my people
when we lost control
we would come together again
and there the balance would be
the world would keep spinning
but our world would slow down

you will always be my people
when we're old and grey
wherever we may be
i will reach across continents
and hold you close to me
our love will span the land
and i will say, these are my people

we're dancing in a bar
i'm wasted
you're pretending to be wasted
the band's alright
but let's be honest
i want the drummer
i always did have a thing for percussionists
i don't even know you
but you're acting like i do
i roll with it
hand on my back
i can roll with it
you're a good dancer
i'll give it to you
now things are going fast
i'm spinning round and round and round
you lean in and say
"you can't lead yourself"
god, if i could have stopped right there
and told the whole bar
what you said to me
who the **** are you?
you are no one
no one no one no one
clearly you have no idea
who i am
i lean back in and say
"i don't need anyone to lead me"
smile my prettiest smile
and spin away
spin away spin away spin away
i'm gonna spend the rest of my days
spinnin away

why is it
that i have to sit here
and be complacent?
you don't like your life?
it'll get better,
but first you have to wait
for six months.
so what if you're doing
something you hate?
necessary evils
to get to where you want.
but why, oh why?
why are there necessary evils?
why is it that
this green ****
controls the world?
stupid *******
flimsy pieces
of ******* paper
with dead dudes
heads on them
control this world.

twist around my pinky
round and round you go
like a little slug
you take your sweet time
you slurp and ****
holding so tight
i've been sprinkling salt
for years now
but not enough to make you die
i think i secretly like
always having you stuck
i torment you and myself

i watch the clock
and count down the minutes
until you and i are together again.

i thought of you earlier as a perfect circle,
spinning round and round,
forward, onto the next thing

and there i am,
some oblong shape
that has no name.

i can't move more
than a few awkward rolls forward
and i lay there
watching you fade into the dust.

i sat and you laid and i wondered,
wondered where my life had gone
where it was going
how it had gone so quickly

i thought of things i couldn't hold onto
the things i would never let go of
the things i should release from my tightening grasp,
but for some reason i only held on tighter to them

i cried for the things i had lost
the things i had found
the things i couldn't have
the things i never would have

i let myself float away then
and i rose up and up and up -
up to the rafters and through the roof,
into the muted sky that seemed to expand for lifetimes

i looked at the clouds that seemed too big and noticed they stood still,
much like i did
i tried to push them, but i fell through them
and gravity pulled me down down down

i stood on the ground in the forest and felt alone and crowded all at once
the trees looming over me,
knowing all, seeing all, being all
i was frightened and comforted

they saw me for who i was and who i didn't want to be
they laughed at me and told me the truth,
"we're all bits and pieces of who we hate."
and i knew i couldn't argue, i knew

i wanted to push off the dark earth that stank of moss and damp wood,
but my feet sprouted roots and i felt less grounded than ever
i pulled at my legs, but they had turned into trunks
and my arms, branches, reaching for the sky that turned dark overhead

the stars flew out in masses, like fireflies, and i stretched higher
a leaf brushed one that flew through the universe
my heart skipped a beat
and i began to let go

i floated upwards again and this time the clouds swirled around me
i danced with them and all of the stars put their tiny spotlights on me
i felt a sense of wonder and joy and i knew
i was alive. alive, alive, alive.

i hate that my brain consumes me
completely entirely in every way
i feel as if it's a bunch of caves
that i've gotten lost in
i haven't seen the light in awhile
and god, do i miss it
this cave system is intricate
and i swear that someone is moving the walls
every time i see sunlight
and head in that direction
the next thing i know
it's gone
these caves are dark and dank
and ****, do they smell like rotting
the corpses of half lived dreams
litter the ground
i climb over them
stumbling often
landing disgusted on forms
that instantly turn to dust
i wonder if i'll always be trapped
but deep within myself
i know i've got a map
tucked away in my back pocket