how tricky these traps are that i set stealthily in the deepest dark nights for myself

the desperate stench of desire wafts up and reminds me of every moment i chose a him over me, simultaneously

i look into your eyes and see the fear that looked out of my own and washed over my world for so many moons

for this reason i am hardened and softened all at once, my legs moving before the decision has even registered in my brain

i weep then, not because of loss, but because of the growing pains that have finally manifested tangible change

tonight i count the ties
that keep me coming back
to this point, this place

i realize rope is just that, rope,
and it's my choice whether
i cut it or hold on

the slack loosens it's grip
and freedom unfurls that's
been between my fingertips all along

destiny discusses destination
with me as i sleep and keep
a mind that's as open as blue skies

i wake and sit heavy
in happiness, in understanding,
in self-propelled evolution

i hold myself and finally feel
pride for the strength i've used
to lift myself up time and time again

there are days
where i stand in the
steaming heat of the
shower and feel my pores
purge days of giving,
giving, giving, until
i'm nothing but a bag
of skin and bones

i stand there and repeat
to myself as many times
as it takes, "allow yourself
to be the woman you are"

this is what i call cleansed

i wish i were concrete,
resolute reality,
little to no confusion,
sure, steady steps in
any direction
whether it be north,
south, east, west,
that's not the point,
i just wish i was steady,
a rushing river,
a tree through the seasons,
with no wondering,
or wandering,
roots in the ground,
knowing myself
without any thought
because i was born
to be exactly
who i am

i lay at night on wooden planks
and watch the universe move
across the skies above, which move me

i see myself floating among them,
them floating within me, bursting through
eyelids as passions are revealed

gentle hands reach and run their fingertips
through wild hair, triggering memories that say
i am everything i've ever dreamed i'd be

my life, mired by tragedy,
defined by triumph, lived
as best as i can muster,
which is pretty good lately

i feel myself unfolding into
who i want to be, but still
there are points where the
transformation is nearly
unbearable, the height of
the discomfort that comes
hand-in-hand with change

i find myself proud, exhausted,
lost, sure, alone, but the
point is that i find myself,
a gentle reminder that i'm
doing alright simply by being

the voices in my head
become undead
the voices in my head
become undead
the voices in my head
become undead

and i am nothing
but a memory

the tree's roots reaching down to hell and branches soaring up to the heavens reminds of us of the duality that dwells within.

lest we forget our immortality, the fallen giants of the forest reminds us that immortality forgets no one - we all return to feed the earth.