i wonder what you said
to get her into bed

were they the same things
that you’d whispered to me
the ones that made me feel
like the only girl
in your world

how easy was it for you
to reuse worn-out phrases
and tattered words
and make them seem
brand new

how easy was it
to make her believe
there was no one but her

and how easy was it
to give yourself away when
for nine months
you told me i was
the love of your life
when i’d stayed true and
faithful

i wrote countless words
innumerable lines for you
and only you
but you showed me
how easy it is
to transfer these elsewhere

he can fit perfectly
into the empty spaces
in any one of my poems
the ones that used to
have your name
hung up like a
do not disturb sign

i thought i’d never be able
to fall in love again
but life does continue on
this earth keeps on spinning

and i wonder what you said
to get her into bed

i bought that book for you,
and marked my favorite pages,
and highlighted my favorite lines,
all so you could know
the colors that were bursting
from inside me,
the things i always wanted to say
but never knew how;
but you never got the chance
to delve in and explore
the words that mirrored
those that were
running through my mind;
you never took the time
to know me as i am,
and not as you wanted me to be;
but there’s a part of me
grateful that you didn’t
and won’t ever be able to,
because i’m saving that moment,
saving myself,
for a boy who will actually care.

i’ll kiss another’s lips
to get the taste of yours
off of mine

and it was difficult at first,
the way he and i kept
bumping our mouths together,
because all i could remember
was the way ours used to
shape together

i wasn’t anticipating
his next move,
but rather waiting on yours

my own body was
turning against me

but i’ll learn the contours,
the curves,
the give and take
of someone else’s embrace,
because i know
that’s the path i need to take
to make my body my own,
and no longer yours

i deserve that much

“turn it up,” your friend said
that day in my car,
and you told him that
i don’t ever play my music loud,
like i was some sort of killjoy,
the rain on everyone’s parade;
like you were me and you knew why
i did the things that i did.

truth was,
i was so in love with you
that i wanted to hear every word,
every single breath that
came out of your mouth
without anything drowning you out;
i wanted the air to be filled with
beautiful conversation,
not with meaningless noise;
but you’d rather have listened to
someone else’s voice
than to the sound of mine.

i met a boy
who recently took me out,
and i could see the volume in his
dashboard turned all the way down,
and we talked and talked
without the need to fill the silence;
and now i know that i need someone
who will want to soak up my words
like they are sustenance,
who will sing along not to the radio
but to the notes and tones
in my voice.

someone who is
the complete opposite of you
in every aspect.

that night
we fought for the first time.

i opened my mouth
to kiss you goodbye
—you pressed yours to mine,
demure, unsure,
as if you’d never explored
my entire body,
let alone my lips—
but we were on different pages.

and i was suddenly aware
that something had changed,
that our world had shifted
like a car
swerving to avoid a roadblock.

and i was suddenly aware
how much
i still loved you and
how much
i wanted our world to get back
on track—
and never get back off.

i want to know what love is,
that what i’m feeling
isn’t just a mirage,
a trick of my dehydrated heart.

i want you to take my world
between your two hands
and stop me from spinning
in dizzy circles on my axis.

i want a guarantee that
i’ll never be looked at
by someone else the same way
that you look at me.

(i want you and only you.)