i wish time was able to go backwards:
we only got to have one kiss
before the earth shattered
and crumbled to pieces around us,
and i can’t help but think of all
the other ones we could have shared.
i want to go back to when you and i
were fused into one being,
but i keep overthinking
and stepping in my own way.
i don’t want you to be a vacation,
but a permanent home.
you left your mark on my heart:
just know that
you’re the one to whom
i compare everyone else in my life
who tries to fill the void
that you left behind,
the one you hung your name on.

countless were the minutes we spent apart,
and long were the nights i swam in my own regret.
you opened my eyes the day you came
back in my life,
and it was the easiest thing in the world
to tell you i love you like nothing had changed,
even though mountains separate us,
rivers and canyons that i can’t leap across.
it hit me like a punch to the stomach,
and i could see what i couldn’t before,
tears in the rain that had finally let up.
i hope you know that you awaken parts of me
that have lain dormant for too long,
an indescribable feeling that travels up my spine
and back down again.
the turn of the tide,
the changing of the seasons,
our own aging,
all of these things are inevitable in life,
and i want you and me to be one of them.
i could swear that yesterday was september,
and now it’s suddenly october,
and i can’t waste another minute drowning
without you there to save me,
so i’ll take my thoughts and false preconceptions
and wash them down the drain,
and this time i won’t let another opportunity pass by.
we all have demons that live inside us,
but you help me to forget mine.

i dream of the day that i become
the girl people do double-takes on,
the day that i’ll have smooth thighs
and a flat stomach
and slim arms.

i’ve learned to take in my father’s
criticisms (“you shouldn’t eat that,”
he tells me) and how to ignore
the hunger in the deepest parts of me,
the sharp pain clawing at my inside.

every word seeps under my skin,
into my blood,
poisons my thoughts until the day
i become just skin and bones,
angles of a girl who used to be.

i’ve always been told to not listen
to what anyone else thinks,
only to my own thoughts,
so what happens when i’m the one
who has turned against me?

the only thing i’m eating anymore
is myself, from the inside out.

i’m not a boomerang,
or a ping pong ball,
some toy that will return to you
by principle.
i don’t need to see
your drunken lips
stumbling over themselves
trying to find pretty words
that you think
will make me give in.
i’m not some prize
to be won.
i don’t want to be
the second option
when you’re feeling lonely
in the middle of the night,
and i can’t stay
based on empty promises.
(every day i am stronger.)

i met someone today
who reminded me of you:
his voice was soft and slow,
and he looked at me
with the look you once had
in your eyes,
and amidst our conversation
i realized that you have been
drained from my life
like water through a sink,
and this should have made
me fall to my knees,
cry out in desperation,
but somehow,
i was okay with it.
(every day i am stronger.)