For the first time in eons
My lonely heart has been set ablaze
And the cold doesn't seem so cold anymore
I'm happy and the long standing dull ache in my heart has numbed
Replaced with only this blooming joy
Yet in this I feel resticted

Take me away
Where I can run free
Let me run in the fields and unmuddle my thoughts
Let me run to the horizon
So I can sleep in the sun
Where my days will be endlessly immortal
So that I may bid adieu to the dusk
And the disappearing oranges and pinks that paint the sky
So now I may bask in dreams and moon beams
My heart soaring in my new surrealism
My lullaby soft and think in the night time
Black birds dream with me
Flying beside me in my ever lasting happiness
I am free

I want to live in the midnight rain
With my skin damp filled with starlight
As my soul swims in the moon bathed world
And I can sleep in the flourishing dawn
Sun brought spring creeps up my eyes
The world becoming a beautiful thing
But Beauty is a fickle
and revolting is a lovely gossamer thing of the soul
My ugly world unsheathed in the light

What I'm finding is that
This stubborn old man,
With his withered heart and lonely soul,
and I
With my sad expression and tired sighs
Are two beautifully tragic people
Who have fallen prey to the reform know as life
But we still live

I’ve been running through the darkness all my life

It’s all I’ve ever known

But sometimes it nice to feel the sun on my face

Kiss me good night
Just hold me here in your arms
Let me bask in your warmth
I cling to you like I’ll die if I let go
And in someways I will
In someways I did
After you let go
After we ended
A bit of me died away
And now here I am
Cold and scrambling for anyone willing to hold me
Anyone willing to make me warm again
But alas, I am just a snowflake wishing she was an ember.

I am so lost
I feel like child in a sea of adults
I feel so small and helpless
I just want to crawl out of my skin
At how much I can’t do
But all I can do is cry
I’m ******* done with crying though
I’m so done with shedding tears that should have dried up years ago
I’m done with saying I’m just tires when I hurt so bad inside
Because I do hurt and I’m through with hiding it
Hiding it through false tears or just running away
Because then nothing will get done
Nothing will get fixed
And I’ll just continue to hurt
And hurt
And hurt
I don’t want to hurt anymore

I just sit here and watch you throw your life away
I just don’t know what to do
As you drown your pain in alcohol
All I can do is just sit by
Even after I went to the hospital because of your drinking problem
You still drink
And now I just don’t know what to do
I just don’t know anymore.

"Stupid *****" The words felt like daggers as they past through her lips. "****, crack head, terrible mother." I hope my words hurt equally as much, if not more.

It’s coursing through her veins
Eating away at her
Making her nothing but a hollow empty shell She has her friends and family but that just adds to it
Making her just emptier and emptier
They all seem happy
Why isn't she?
But alas, happiness still evades her
In its stead, loneliness creeps in, and the feeling that no one could ever understand or love a broken girl
who is far beyond repair
She bleeds just to feel something
Anything other then this stinking feeling that fills her with dread
Fear eats away at her heart till it is gone
Compassion is by now impossible but she puts on a face to fool the crowd
The one perk of loneliness is mastering the illusion of “its okay”
She gets a lot of practice
Till soon she herself is believing
But by then she is but a fool who weeps by herself in the darkness
All alone

Our souls are forever bound in stardust

Intertwining and dancing along with the newly born stars

Galaxies cannot stand between us

Nor can society

In the depths of my being
In the very core of my souI can feel something stirring
It’s snakes it’s way through me
There is so much of it now it hurts
Hope hurts
The hope that maybe we could be together
Across the sea
You and me
It is an irrsistable thought that nessles itself into my subcouncious
Rearing it’s beautifly stupid head when the very thought could break me
Somewhere inside of me hope lies
And no matter how much I would like to rip it out of my chest and fling it at some fool willing to listen to its soft seductive voice
But alas, I cannot
Because somewhere within me it is stirring
Cooing my name softly
Waiting for me to bite
Not I though
Long ago I fell for its tricks and charms
Now I lock it inside a box inside my heart
Sealing it forever inside me but never in control
Blind it stumbles in that box for a way out
And it found it
When you called me love
In shock, I dropped the key
Right infront of hope
Now it is free and is infesting every cell in my body
Taking over me
Knawing at my insides
So much hope it hurts
Stupid hope
Stupid stupid hope

I can feel the warm liquid flow over my tongue

There is a satisfying iron taste in my tongue

My lip stings from where I bit it worrying about you

A perfect little house on a hill with a little red mailbox
The house that I never had
Two stories not one
A big oak tree in front with a tire swing that swings in the breeze
A big white house
The one I’ve never had, the one I’ve always wanted, the one I’ll never get.

Indigo ink on the black of my heart

that stain the pages of time and wraps around my soul

As the flickering candle dwindles in the darkness
Your face darkens and you look away
I know why your upset and instead of comforting you
I blow out the candle and make a wish for you
I kiss your forehead and hope for it to come true
You touch my hand to your face once and let go
I leave
I wished for you to be happy

We met in a field of wild flowers
The sea of blue and purple were overwhelming and the smells swirled around us
I was a butterfly
Care free and happy
Newly hatched from a constricting cocoon
You were a boy who had a net
You were looking for butterflies to add to your collection
I flitted about from flower to flower
You had a pleasant smell like one of them so I came near
It turned out you had a net
And caught me with a swish
You grabbed me with your rough hands to stuff me in a jar
I didn't want to go
But I could break out of my prison  
At first I rammed the jar fiercely
Then I just gave up
For days I laid helplessly on the bottom of that jar
You didn't feed me you didn't care
I was just another pretty prize
But then one day you opened the jar with a flower
I took my chance
Into the air I flew and for the briefest moment I was free
Then you caught me again
And you crushed my wing
I was no longer the pretty full of life butterfly you sought
After you realized I was a broken toy you threw me away onto the sidewalk
Where someone stepped on me and crushed my to the pavement

My mind is always somewhere else.

Somewhere where I’m not.

Sometimes the wolves inside me threaten to tear their way out.

I’m scared

I dream of the cities far from my reach

Silently I call out for them

And the people who are long lost inside of them

My cup sat alone on a self
Not that special to anyone else
Just a little white cup with gold trim
My cup
It was the cup I used to drink tea in before she died
Now it sat on the self
The only cup of it’s kind amongst the matching china
My cup is isolated
It gets pushed to the back
And now it’s collecting dust

I stare at the girl in the mirror
Her blank expression is unsettling
The purple under her eyes has grown tremendously
And she no longer wears a smile on the corner of her lips
Then I think
"No, they have to be two separate people. This isn't’t the girl that was there three months ago. Where did she go?"
But then I realize I already know the answer
This girl
The one with dead eyes and the blank expression must have eaten the other one
Swallowed her whole
I look at her eyes again and see a flash of the other girl trying to claw her way out from this one’s stomach.
Then she is gone and I can tell she is never coming back
A single tear rolls down my cheek in empathy for her even though I’m the one that killed her.

Your right here
So close to me
I want to reach out and hold you
but you mind has drifted and now you are far
carried by the tide
Lost
but I promise to find you
Promise.

My lashes sparkle with water droplets and I can no longer feel my nose.
The sky above is gray with puffs of smoke, thick and warm.
Slowly the moon arises over the barren trees whose limbs are dusted with glittering snow.
My corduroy coat is drenched and dripping.
All over I am damp, cold, and shaking but I refuse to go inside.
I’m enjoying the clean world that smells crisp.
I’m enjoying the moon light that washes over my pale skin.
I’m enjoying the quiet darkness.
No car drives by
the snow has barricaded the roads
Alone I stand in the light of a street light
Alone I lay
I look up at the snow that slowly falls on top of me
Covering me up snowflake by snowflake
I wish that I could stay there forever
I wish that I could slowly turn numb
I wish they would find me in the morning
Then no one comes to get me so I get up and trek back to my home
A flame is burning in the fire place
The orange glow licks my white toes
the warm spreads over me and I begin to feel again
and slowly I fall
I fall into a deep sleep
With no dreams
With no cares
With no fears
And then I wake up and All the dreams
All the cares
All the fears
Return
And I wished I hadn’t come home

I can remember your face
It was the last time I saw you
I can see you clearly
With the pained expression on your face
As I read your get well cards to you
You began to mouth words
But you couldn't form the sounds
Those breathless word were the last thing you told me
I wish I knew what they were

She threw out all the memories
Without a second glance
Without even a word
All my memories
He gave that cape
The one she threw away
So many memories lost
Tossed into the velvety black abyss
The color of that silly Halloween cape
One year I was a witch and I wore it
Some days I’d pretend to be a magician and wore it
Another year I wore it when I was the ghost of my self
So many silly identities all wearing that cape
So many silly memories I had of him
Or the the him I had  now lost
You threw them all away

In my crowds I feel alone
amongst the sea of hugs
and the friendly words
I can feel the pity of their stare boring into my back

It begins life
It ends it
It hold me tight
and has no light
It fills a rabbit hole
It is always near.

I lost my childhood long ago
When I saw him
I was at the top of the stairs gripping the railing
with little white knuckled hands
I watched a you turned her face black and blue
Later on in life I lost my love for you
When you beat her still and I grabbed your massive hand and tugged you off her
I blame you
For all the **** you've put me through
for all the sadness of not having you there
For her sadness
She wants to think she hates you, Dad
But she loves you still
If she didn't she wouldn't fool herself into hating you
But I do hate you

I can just smell the changing leaves

and the sleeping trees

I can feel the analogous color schemes in the air

Under a harvest moon trees become bare

Welcome autumn finally

And all the wonderful things you bring with it.

Theroomisstuffy

and I c a  n   ’    t      b      r        e        a            t               h                   e

I can feel everyone’s eyes on me

or is that just the paranoia

I feel like my heart is

w

    e

       i

         g

            h

                i

                   n

                      g

                                     m

                                          e

                                                       d

                                                            o

                                                                 w

                                                                      n

The

world

is

turning

black

and

I

can

feel

myself

dying

black and blue words written on a thinly veiled world

in small print on a crisp white page

my story is written in red on the next page a dull used page with scribbles

and erase marks in child's hand writing.

As another sunset befalls the world

all is silently asleep

The trees cast off their summer skin and fall into their dreams

as does all life on earth

When she lays us down and numbs our minds

with her vast white blanket on our world

The moon and her phases of life after life reins this barren world

For she has been cast out into the shadow to rule a lifeless world

Then the sun rises and a new world awakens

never learning

just reliving.

Smoke dances from my lips
Out here were there is no laws, no rules
As I sit on the rough concrete steps with the moths and the ash
as my solemn companions
The street lights stare as the heat settles close,
sweat rolling heavily off my brow
The embers speak of the god I no longer care for
in pure words so ancient only the old oaks know them
Devils wretch themselves from the smoke and dance around me
Satan himself sits beside me, kissing my lips, sweet like sin
He sits silently with me
Golden eyes like slits
I bring the **** of my cigarette to my sullen lips
and take a sugar coated drag
My lungs brimming with peace
God turns his thorny head
With a wave of his pure almighty hand
A wicked grin spreads out on the fluid curve of
my lips
I am condemned

Like a shawl slipped from my shoulders
Whistling in the wind
Around my head and through my fingers
Slick like oil and pure like snow
I reached for it and it was there no more
Nothing to hide behind
A child no more
Gone from my eyes in a blink
A soft good bye
With nary a word nor sign that it had gone
And once it had, there was no getting it back

The sea
The wave
The surf
Kissing eyelashes and brushing against the skin
As the tide washes in
The only thing that matters is the temptation
How it calls to you
The seduction of it
As it taunts you with sin soaked lips
Lust brushes against you
The tantalizing touch is all but too much to bare
Pulling you under the churning waves
The dark whispers soft things in your ear
As the vastness takes you under
It creeps in your lungs and steals your breath away
Your breath is gone
Your lungs are fill with salty temptation like a mistress
All you have to do is close your eyes
And be swallowed

You smoothed the scars on my mangled skin
And brushed your finger tips to mine
You painted some sort of light in these dim eyes
And loved me when I couldn't
You sat me up straight and wiped the dread away
Now, when I close my eyes
I dream of you tomorrow

I am shallow like a kitty pool
And sad
With a youthful recklessness that makes me blind
And stupid
How moronic I've been
To think
That I deserve
Be hold the creation of decay

She has a lazy curve on her lips
Like the colour of sin
It's the true shade of her heart
Not the vibrant lie she gives
It's the real colour of years of pain and sadness
A bitter sweet smile
The one she uses when she thinks no one is looking

When I see kids in the front seat of work vans
The old beat up ones
Or old crudy pick up trucks
Their is a pang of heart ache
Where you used to be

I got hurt again
You always hurt me
It's not your fault
I let it happen
I let it get to me
Like it always gets to me
It meant more to me then it did to you
I let it in
I let you in
I always do that
You always make me feel so nice
I feel good
Then it's gone
Like you
And my happiness
I let it slip away

I can hear the drums of war
As they echo off my rib cage
In my soul, war is being waged
Between the angels and demons
It's a silent sort of war
Still but ******
My demons are getting stronger
So strong
As the angels die off
And the night is still
As I am dying

***** me for trying to makes friends
It's hard
No ***** people and their selfish ways
I'd like to see you try

So close yet so far away
Are the flitting bats
They get caught in cobwebs I can no longer see
Or do I ignore them
Trapped they die
Along with my ambition

Such a sad, silly girl who crawls out windows
So unhappy and such a lair
With her painted face to hide her withered features
She dreams of elsewhere
Far far elsewhere
Where her tainted past can't touch her
Run run
What sweet words
What sweet thoughts
Maybe she is just too afraid
She feels like she's cornered
She can't get out
What a sinking feeling
What a sinking existence
She thinks
But instead of running she lights a cigarette and goes to sleep
Praying it would **** her eventually

Its funny, as I am sitting here in the back of the auditorium, listening to all my friends on stage. The song is The Nutcracker, and suddenly it all comes back. As the bass thrums in my ear and the trupet blares loudly across the audience, I remember those winter day where She would take me to The Nutcracker. Two young girls in tow, She would cart us around, another venue every year. It was grand, the high light of my season. I could watch women with long limber legs and men in their toy soilder costumes, prance gracfully across the stage in time with th music. As I sat in that darkened auditorium it all came back to me. She used to take me to see this, to listen to this music. I had the urge to laugh madly, and cry out in anguish. Its a funny thing how precious things become long after they have ended. When the memory still stands while the erson fades. In that darkened auditorium I felt a pang of sickening nostaligia and longing. For She is dead and I am still here, and now I have no one to take me to the Nutcracker

Splintering hard unforgiving cold
Beating upon the barren ground
Like bullets from a gun
They catch what little light that manages through
They shine beautifully and sting like sin
My breath becomes puffy clouds before my eyes
Red fingers ache and groan with the chill
The world smells crisp and white
Purified of all its delightful imperfections
Snow dusts the trees in their frozen splendor
And touches the world with its bone white fingers