at the age of 10, I was a 25-year-old woman
life is funny in that way
sometimes you have to grow up fast
sometimes a lifetime of experience and stress
is crammed down your throat
before you even learn geometry
I used to look at the other kids
as they traded their pokemon cards
and showed off their silly bands
and I wondered
how is it fair
that they get to drift through childhood
like a dream
when my own
was so violently
ripped away from me

I will never write a love poem
never tell you about
bright summer days
or warm cups of cocoa
there are millions of those
you could find them
if you really wanted to
I want my poetry to make you uncomfortable
I want it to make you think
we have an incredible ability
to look away
from what we don't want to see
but if you read my poetry
I will make you look
I will force your eyes open
and make you stare
at the ugly thing
maybe after your forced
to acknowledge it
you'll actually do something about it

I like to think pretty girls are the luckiest
Because everyone notices them
But perhaps its me who is lucky
For not a soul notices me
And what's luckier then having the power
Of invisibility

the problem with growing up reading books
is that you seem to absorb the characters
and having so much different people inside you
makes you unsure of who you are
sometimes I am Bella Swan
or massie block
or Cathy Dollenganger
or Juliet Capulet
or huckleberry fin
somedays I fall in love with everything
then some I don't have time for it
sometimes I want to be feminine
others I rather just wear all black
is that ok
to be more than one person
is it ok
to always be unsure of who you are

!!TRIGGER WARNING!!!!

I think it's stupid
to say suicide is selfish
I know there are much more fancy words
i could've said
but in reality
its
stupid
to tell a person
who hated themselves
a person
who felt the world would be better
if they were a gone
a person
who looked in the mirror
and decided maybe
things would be better
for everyone
if they were dead
how can you look at
such a broken person
and call them selfish?
how can you tell them
their ultimate sacrifice
is selfish
their way of thinking
their actions
maybe
misguided
untrue
wrong
but never
was their choice to try and take their own life
selfish

I'm afraid
Of wolves with big hands
Gleaming teeth
And sweet voices

I'm afraid of cunning foxes
Who pretend to be your friend
But have something dark in mind
For you at the end

I'm afraid of snakes
Who after injecting you with their poison
Carry you off to their lair
And wrap their body around yours

I'm afraid of stray dogs
Who follow you down the street at night
Barking obscene words
And taking nips at bits of your body
When they can

I'm afraid
Of all the wild animals
Free to roam around
At night
As I lock each and every one
Of my deadbolts

dont you want to be beautiful
unnaturally beautiful
so beautiful
you seem to float
an angel
I wish I was beautiful
the kind where I'm unaware
unaware that everyone has fallen in love with me
but I know
that I am not
because I watched you
as you watched her
and
you
never
even
notices

I hate college
I hate my classmates
I hate my classes
I hate my extracurriculars
I hate my teachers
Why am I still here?
Because society tells me as a black female from a poor family im lucky to be here
The thing is though
I don't feel lucky
I feel trapped

I am trapped.
Inside a body that is 2 sizes too small for my soul.
It constricts me in such a way that breathing is nearly impossible.
I wish my skin could tear.
I wish it were made of something as delicate as rose petals.
For when i look in the mirror.
I find the person staring back at me a complete stranger.
I believe god has made a mistake.
I believe he bottles my soul up in the wrong vessel.
Because this body.
Although i admire its pretty face and nice shape.
Does indeed.
Belong to someone else entirely.

I long for soft breezes and golden sunlight
Eating lunch perched on a tree branch
Running barefoot through meadows of fragrant wildflowers
Instead
I am sitting in a classroom
Listening to the sound of the ancient a\c hum
Under the fluorescent lights that cause headache behind my eyes
Watching the people around me go on about their lives
Because their content
I am not

so many words
I've written in my journal
so many
typed on this site
so many
spoken to my peers
so many
sung to my cat
so ******* many
screamed at my mirror
and yet
there are so many
left unspoken

Depression is not a personality trait
Not being able to get out of bed is not quirky
Cutting off all your friends because you think they hate you is not fun
Wanting to. Succeed but not having the motivation is not #lazylife
Drug addicitons and cutting do not make you a beautiful disaster
And faking depression because you think it's romantic or edgy is disgusting
Thanks for coming to my ted-talk

i cant relate
to the people around me
who dont care about anything
unless it's about them
I often find myself
angry over things
that happen halfway across the country
I want to shake my friends
and scream
why don't you care?
don't you care about other people
I want to scream to the adults
how can you let this happen
and not give it a second thought
don't you realize
thoughts and prayers
do nothing
the very people
who are supposed to protect us
do not care enough
to do anything

you have talons attached to your hands
has anyone ever told you?
you tear the flesh from my dreams
leaving behind nothing but a dead carcass
you have knives for words
Do you know?
every word is a searing slice
your aura is a black hole
cant you tell?
the way it ***** in the light that is my happiness
and diminishes it into nothing within seconds

to be young
and free
what I would give
I am already young
I've heard 18
is a such a tender age
I've heard
that it's ok
to fall in love
with everything
to stay out at night
to watch the sunrise
what a beautiful philosophy
if only I was free
but I am not
the chains that hold me
are too strong

there are two ways
your story can end
you can live
happily ever after
or the conclusion
can simply say
the end
one is not as favorable as the other