I remember a day,
it was a very rainy day,
mama told us we couldn't come out to play,
but with stubbornness in us, we hid away from her,
put our wellington boots on,
and quietly,
tiptoed outside the house,
to run away,
at that time we were brave,
so young and childish,
yet so gay,
we accepted all sorts of dares,
and created our own little silly games.
I won't forget that rainy day,
when you whispered into my ear,
I was the best est sister ever,
those words brought tears to my eyes,
that's the day I plucked a daisy and placed it in your hair,
and told you that no matter ,
how many days were filled with rainy sad weather,
you always brightened up my day,
you were the reason why the rain didn't bother me then,
when in actual fact it does now that your no longer there.

mama whispered into my ear "you can tell me anything".
how can I tell you everything when every word spoken,
is seen in obliviousness to whats in front of you,
like how papa creeps up into the room when your lost in a world of dreams,
the way his inquisitive hands find its way to areas you would not believe.
I hate the way you **** up to him,
when we both know whose the victim,
and yet you tell me,
ask me,
patronize me into speaking in the presence of him.

We lost the time,
the hours,
minutes,
seconds,
that were once ours
those moments of time can never be traced,
they can never be replayed
were they ever there?
time doesn't care,
and we proved that right,
by showing the same,
we lacked the strength,
to allow our hearts to show its nakedness,
our love,
the feeling that once shone out like light day in and day out.
so we left,
we walked away locking away our hearts in chains,
to never open up again,
we walked away with bare hands,
bare hearts,
bare minds,
bare, hours, secs spent in vain.
we lost time for each other.

Today I learnt how it felt to let people or anyone for that matter of fact know how I was feeling and you know what? It actually works out perfectly. They say to you, they understand what your going through, but deep down their hearts they know that they
wont always be there to catch a glimpse of the immense pain you carry in your heart, the tears that cry themselves to sleep oblivious to how the person letting them out feels deep inside. They wont ever get to fix your broken hurt, they wont ever get to heal you inside out and at the end of today no matter how hard you try to show them the real you, you will go home to find yourself all alone again, just the way you were when you woke up today.

I remember the first time we met.
That was the first time you and I touched each other,
more like in a friendly manner,
when you shook my hand and I shook yours too.
You smiled,
and so did I,
and we both went separate ways to our homes,
where in my house I tried to feel the warmth of your hand in mine,
I began to touch my cheeks pretending it was you brushing your warm hands against them.

There's this vital importance of touch that we sometimes as being don't notice well,
but those who do,
can tell you that it brings both lovers closer to each other especially once both hearts have melted together like super glue.
there'also that mystery of touch when it comes to intimacy,
especially between me and him.
its both a wonderful and beautiful experience,
to please the one you love both in soul, heart and body.

Unfold me...
I beg you to unfold these layers that lay within me,
removing every layer one by one,
to find a surprise,
meaning,
just so you have no reason to leave me.
This is sadly the fear you've instilled in me,
the need,
using my insecurities to make you feel guilty,
just so you can stay one night,
one more morning,
to unfold me one more time,
and find something new in me for you to love me,
to need me more than you need someone else.

I love to keep you hidden away from the world,
all to myself where no one
else can steal you away from me.
call me MISS dominating,  bossy, controlling,
but I can't help feeling the way I feel,
when your no longer in my sight.
my mind goes crazy,
can you blame me for being in love?
with a man whose heart I've placed in my trust?
as simple as these words are "I love you" to you,
they truly mean a lot to me,
that's why I could never leave you,
nor leave your side.

one day I was sitting in a park,
with wondering eyes,
a couple caught my sight,
they seemed so lost in each other,
that my empty heart,
began to fill with a mountain of anger,

for those two lovers,
melting like chocolate in the sight of each other,
they had what I had never ever felt,
or come close to experiencing,
the love I could see in their eyes,
the way they touched each other,
not only in desire,
but the care and love they felt for one another.

restless nights leave her staring at the ceiling wishing it was the sky of dreams,
she could have redone.

pain stabs her like oblivious swords as the involuntary tears drain her body,
drain her soul,
reflections playing out within a thousand crowds of friends of family that will always fail to see the suffering shes feeling inside and out,
whilst they judge her,
she fails to justify herself,
why justify yourself if you know they'll always feel sorry for the girl next door,
the girl who will never achieve more or live to see gold at the end of a rainbow.

I remember her,
shouting at me when I was a little younger.
I've out grown those days of being made to think that I am lesser than a man, or playing with boys would turn me into an lesbian whose only revenge of never having kids would be based on the fact that she, my mother Christine stuurman, lessoned herself.
with fistful of hurtful words from him,
with bruises she still loved him,
with kindness she let him in,
into our lives,
Shed her bed with them
living the same old lie,
men after men,
as if they were orbiting around her like the sun and star

What about me?
Why didn't I change she still asks today?
I did,
I changed every perception of men,
I changed how I treated them,
like dirt in sewage pipes they were to me,
I trampled on their egos, hating their existence and not understanding why my mom lowered herself so much for men. I wish she had opened her eyes, loved less and love herself more.
but life opened my eyes too, all I wished for her was to find a man so loving and understanding as the one I've found.

our hearts still beating in the midst of nights
lying next to each other,
that could mean anything,
doesn't mean we're lovers.
you might see what I don't see,
you see love and intimacy,
and I see physical touch,
yet thats what keeps us going,
asleast for my part.

I saw my ex today.
we're friends now you see,
but the attraction still lingers between us
like a magnetic field,
Even though we've both moved on.
Sometimes I regret leaving him,
because when I was with him,
like a bird soaring the sky,
I felt free.
maybe it's because deep down inside,
I want to go back to him,
but for the first time in his life,
I feel happy to see him with someone else.
His finally decided to settle down.

I used to tell myself,
I'd never become like her,
as I stare  at the oblivious mirror,
a reflection of mother,
stares back at me.
I can see her mocking at me,
saying,
"you look just like me"
she's deliriously laughing now,
the drugs are finally working,
their dancing around in head,
again, and again and again,
she needs it you see,
its her addiction,
its what makes her live,
takes away all the pain and misery.
I find myself talking just like her
saying the exact words she once uttered,
this is your life now baby,
its so beautiful how you can become so consumed,
in it that once it takes full ******* over you,
it makes it hard to turn away,
the mistake I made.

I closed my eyes,
and touched my soft lips.
tracing its shape,
I had a flash back,
to a time when he kissed me.
his kiss wasn't a benevolent,
loving kiss,
not something I would love to think about,
or reminisce,
but the flash back struck a part so deeplu hurting,
I tried to fight off the thoughts of him kissing me.
His kiss hurt me.
it was done out of desire and selfishness.
it didn't mean anything to him,
but to me it did.
like a nightmare,
that kiss still haunts me.
and to this day,
I fear to kiss anyone in fear of being *****.

I'm living in a cocoon of pain,
I have been engulfed by so much hurt that there is no space in my heart,
for love, joy, and happiness to reign.
I'm scared you see,
but I've chosen to live this way,
to accept the fact that somethings in life can never be changed.
So this is how I face each day,
breathing more air of pain,
allowing oblivious tears to flow freely,
in hopes that someday all will disintegrate away.

I see them laughing at me,
the kids at school.
they ask a lot of weird questions,
like why do I look the way I look,
or walk the way I walk.
Sometimes I go home and enter a dark lonely place,
I create friends in my head.
they don't laugh at me,
or question every movement made,
or breath breathed.
I'm human,
just like all other beings,
I wish they would stop being so nasty,
and look beyond my disability.

She is the definition of beauty,
For the first time I laid eyes on her,
I did not only melt in the sight of her beauty,
But,
The way she made me feel,
When her lips touched mine,
The way her delicate soft, gentle hands made trails around my
lips,
Body,
Touching every layer of matter,
Within me.
Oh!
The desires she filled in me,
They made me feel so weak,
Yet submissive,
And willing to feel.

I wrote this poem with a fast beating heart,
trembling hands and racing thoughts of how you make me feel.
The feeling could be modified as indescribable, tangible, a beautiful work of art created only by the best artist you my love<3
How did you do it?
What is thy artist secret?
Was it mayb thy lips painted upon mine?
Thy intense proximity against me?
Thy artist work of art with thy gentle yet inquistive hands?
What magical touch is this that I've never ever felt before in my entire life?
Because whatever this is one can surely agree with me it can only be the work of love,
if I do stand incorrect may cupid take away my beating heart for you, my longing to be with you, kiss you,
play,
lay with you in bed,
have your weight upon mine as our bodies dance to the music of love or even take away my promise to love and care for you always.
If I'm wrong may cupid do so, unless of course thy artist agrees with I? Cupid shall have no reason to eradicate such.

yeah you tell me you love me,
when I know I'm the not the only one your telling those words too,
you say I'm crazy,
when I know your words are always half-truths.
now your smiling,
forget it ,
your smile has lost its affect on me.
you look pathetic,
tryna patronize me,
you forgetting I'm not a kid,
but a woman who fell in love with a kid.
your childishly screaming at me,
childishly saying,
"I don't know anything about what your saying".
I'm saying you need to grow up,
I need a real man in my life,
face reality,
this me me facing the door,
exiting,
forgetting,
the day I took a step in our "home".

I'm just like any other butterfly,
with the same wing span,
same outlines,
I live like all the other butterflies do,
yet wish I was like you,
I wouldn't be so blue,
but happy just like you.
you see your no different to me,
despite the fact that your extraordinary,
your smile,
the way you make other butterflies laugh,
its so compelling,
yet so depressing on my part,
to want and need to be like you Mr extraordinary butterfly.

I don't blame you if you leave me,
you see,
we live in two different worlds with different thinking,
your in it for the love,
I'm in it for the experience and to **** time,
when deep down this is always what I've been looking for,
the kind of man who wouldn't walk out the door,
but stay and try to figure out whats wrong.
you often forgive me for being so difficult,
when I know I'm doing it on purpose just to give you a reason,
to leave me,
yet your not running,
I don't see you running,
I don't understand how you can love me,
when all I'm trying to do is to make you hate me,
just like I hate me.

quietly you lie next to me,
without realizing the tears flowing,
obliviously,
down my cheeks,
while I'm angrily trying,
to force them back in.
its not like you'll notice them anyways,
but,
i hate to give you the satisfaction,
of you being the reason
that they are there.

How can you say we are soulmates,
yet the pain inside my heart is hard for you to comprehend.

i remember a time,
when i was young,
about the age of twelve,
i came to a realisation with myself.
i was entering a stage of puberty then,
trying to figure out what was happening to me,
made things difficult you see,
especially,
when you have no one to talk to about these things,
not even your family.
what made me come to the realisation that i was ugly,
was the emphasis of that word placed in my life,
as i was growing up,
by my mom and dad.
it made me feel weak like a mouse,
when they always reminded me of how i won't grow to be beautiful,
or the star i someday wished to be.
and so i faced reality,
i allowed that word to sink deep inside of me,
seeping into my heart,
mind,
it made my life a misery,
i hated the reflection i saw on the mirror,
because i couldn't stand the fear,
the mirror inflicted on me.
i grew up believing that i would never be pretty,
or somebodys,
somebody.
until i met you,
my friend,
my brother,
lover to the end.
you gave me courage to believe in myself,
that i was a beautiful creation of God,
and that God placed me on earth for a purpose in life.
through you and God i found a greater love like no other,
and those words of pain no longer mattered to me anymore,
God loves me just the way i am.

fear came like an eagle,
swarming around me like honey bees.
I was sinking in,
drowning,
heart pounding,
I could feel myself dying,
the deeper I seeped in fear,
the more I lost my voice,
for a day didn't go by where I broke into tears.
until one day I heard a calling so near,
drawing my ears so near,
the closer I got to it,
the more the feeling of fear begin to disappear inside of me,
it was such a beautiful voice,
like sweet honey,
its melodies captured me,
my heart,
soul and mind,
once I heard it loud and clear,
I no longer needed to fear,
he was always right here,
so near,
awaiting for me to hear him,
to allowing myself to be surrounded by his love for me,
I did,
I finally took the step,
to allow him into my life,
here I am living a life with him in my life,
thank you God,
majesty,
creator of all living things,
you love is beyond words can compare,
thank you for always being here.

today,
I dug up a box in our backyard.
it was decorated with pictures of us,
when we were young.
you had longer hair then.
you were smiling.
that was the most beautiful smile,
I had ever seen to exist.
so  beautiful even God above,
always left the night skies open,
filled with trillion million bright stars,
just so he could catch a  glimpse,
of that beautiful smile.
Why am I crying now?
I know you always hated seeing me this way,
all teary inside out,
but then you would sit beside me,
and put your arm around me,
and cry with me,
until we'd end up laughing for no good reason,
we'd reminisce on lots of memories...
The memories and this box is all I have left of you now,
the box filled with our goals of how we'd get married,
rule the world.
and the promises of never leaving each others side,
sisters till the end we'd say.

I want more than this,
I want more than just a kiss,
more than momentary belonging,
more than texting here and there just for your quick fix!

You see I'm tired of succumbing to your needs,
when all I want and need from you is to see beyond my body,
I want to feel protected like packaged candy

I want to wake up next to you breathing,
kiss your lips, let you whisper into my ears, how you missed me while you were busy dreaming.

I guess it doesn't matter because at the end of the day your need is not my want.

You ask me to remove my scars as you stare at me,
The outlines of my body exposed to your eyes...
You are not the one I wanted to see me for me,
And yet you can feel it, the anger residing within me like a volcano waiting,
To explode.
You know me and now there is nowhere to run to or go…
You carry on exploiting me with your eyes, your body language changing,
As if you were a sculpture, you hate me and I can see it,
It’s written on the tips of your tongue,
The words won’t come out,
My mind is boggled up and I can’t even explain why.
The rooms fill up with silence, casting shadows from wall to wall,
The echoes of our breathing is all that we can hear, like children we childishly turn our heads the other way,
You grab your bag for work, and I grab mine too.
I close my eyes and open the door of our house.
We smile and the world seems like we’ve finally reached the light at the end of the tunnel.
The mask has taken its place.

Sadness lies in the sight of their morose faces,
by the wrinkles around their eyes.
The frowns on their foreheads tell a story of a broken heart.
The emphasis is placed on their upside down wrinkly lines,
they carry with them around their mouths.
They've lacked the energy to smile,
for a very long time.
These are weeping men,
who are young,
yet,
their escalating pain has aged them in time.
It's as if they await for death to arrive any day,
the way they stare at the sky,
and wait,
and wait,
and wait for death to come.
They've lost the will to dream,
for all their dreams have ceased.
They've tried so many times to adopt another mans life,
put on a visage in hope to find happiness and true love,
and in their failure to accomplish their goals of finding love,
you can tell
they've given up ,
by the way they carry themselves,
with their unused smiles and broken hearts,
The weeping men cry
and cry,
and cry,
till death do them part.

I love how we whisper at night when we're drunk,
it makes us confident to say how we feel inside.

Look at me. In these eyes innocence has been replaced with a beautiful black woman, with fully grown african curves, mother natures recipe. In her eyes reflects a mature mind whose childish thoughts have been eradicated and replaced with with adult thinking and each and everyday as she grows she ages less in her looks yet her mind gains more wisdom about the life around her and herself and others too.

My pen is like a resounding cymbal;
its loud noise ringing fills the atmosphere in my head.
The words become like waterfalls,
pouring in and out of my mind when I think of the compelling beauty of life, or simply the admiration of stars gazing at each other as their silhouette of light woes mankind to sleep at night and my blood stream inevitably filled with poetry, I become a night owl.… The letters begin making up an impregnation of words…
They grow tremendously in my mind as if one were to start a huge fire, I’m at it again,
a spark erupts,
quickening impulse,
quickening in thoughts of the life before and after me,
the life of others,
the joy and pain of living,
those whose last breaths have left legacy on earth and those unknown yet close to home.
The seasons, the months, play in my head.
The pen doesn’t hesitate,
it never does.
It speaks from the roots and stems of the heart.
At the end of the day all that matters is the God-given life of writing and most importantly,
the words that matter to you and me.

your presence is beautiful yet cruel.
the beauty of your presence makes the simplest of things shared between us mean so much  more to me,
but ,
nowadays i prefer you not to show your face because  everytime you do,
the cruelty of your presence shadows every light in the room,
including my heart,
and yet you carry on asking me foolishly why are there tear stains on my cheeks once I come back from the bathroom.

your words are swords,
stabbing in the same place,
repeating every stab the same way,
stabbing,
deeper,
deeper,
and deeper into my heart,
my mind,
my soul.
I'm wounded,
you feel like a soldier,
you smile in victory of winning,
its always my word against yours,
I'm seeping into dirt,
soil,
a quicksand of more hurt,
in your words.

your words have become like oil stains,
staining my soul,
like blades, stabbing inflicting pain,
these lines on my forehead,
have left me growing cold,
old.