I've become blind.
you have made me blind,
not just by sight,
but by body,
soul and mind,
all three in one,
entwined,
in you,
I've fallen in love,
you give me courage to love,
freely,
willingly,
beautifully,
pleasurably,
Godly.
lost in you,
I've learnt to find a place I can be
who I want to be,
lost in you,
I've find a better me,
the happier me,
a woman whose worthy,
to be loved.

our hearts still beating in the midst of nights
lying next to each other,
that could mean anything,
doesn't mean we're lovers.
you might see what I don't see,
you see love and intimacy,
and I see physical touch,
yet thats what keeps us going,
asleast for my part.

In your beautiful brown eyes,
there is no space for the sight of me,
INVISIBLE
is what you see,
like a clear crystal glass.

you say;
the view of me through your eyes,
leaves you blind,

INVISIBLE
is what you see,
with an empty heart,
you choose not to look, not see
so vain you've become,
when I beg and plead for you to notice me,
to notice the aquamarine dress I put on just for you,
the glistening eye shadow your favorite shades of blue ,
you cynical remarks make me feel ugly,
I try so hard to please you but yet,
INVISIBLE IS WHAT YOU SEE!

why cant you love me?
make me feel like the woman,
I was always proud of when I used to make you happy?
our home has become as cold as you have become,
our love has become old as shriveled up fruit,
the fruit of our discontinuous love.
all because you lost the beauty you saw in me,
you lost the long heart beating love for me,
you gave up on what could have been the best part of our intimacy,
the once escalating, growing relationship,
that's become an empty strange broken down place,
cob-webbed and gray,
you never told me what I'd done wrong to push you away,
maybe I wasn't doing enough to entertain you everyday
you'd say.

I want you to be free,
so you can no longer endure the pain of seeing me,
it wouldn't matter now anyways,
I was always invisible to you,
so this is my way of ending your malignant pain
Don't cry, be happy,
one of us had to run away and die from this misery,
I nominated myself to die,
so you no longer had to see me
now as I write my last words
I feel free from all the burden and misery
of you seeing invisible me.
Goodbye my lover, partner friend
my heart will always love you till the end.

quietly you lie next to me,
without realizing the tears flowing,
obliviously,
down my cheeks,
while I'm angrily trying,
to force them back in.
its not like you'll notice them anyways,
but,
i hate to give you the satisfaction,
of you being the reason
that they are there.

I've been going through a long battle with my mind.
You see its so hard to wake up everyday with a visage, when everything seems to be boiling up inside.
I'm filled with so much anger yet I don't know why.
There's so much beauty in life and yet I struggle each day to see  through these clouds weighing down on me.
I feel like I can't breathe yet I'm trying so hard to stop myself from drowning.
These suicidal thoughts have a way of finding its path through these cracked scars in between my soul and heart,
an ongoing battle of self love to self hate.
I have never been this lonely in my life,
yet the very same man whose heart is mine and mine his,
doesn't see beyond this broken being.
I can't do it anymore.

restless nights leave her staring at the ceiling wishing it was the sky of dreams,
she could have redone.

pain stabs her like oblivious swords as the involuntary tears drain her body,
drain her soul,
reflections playing out within a thousand crowds of friends of family that will always fail to see the suffering shes feeling inside and out,
whilst they judge her,
she fails to justify herself,
why justify yourself if you know they'll always feel sorry for the girl next door,
the girl who will never achieve more or live to see gold at the end of a rainbow.

I remember the first time we met.
That was the first time you and I touched each other,
more like in a friendly manner,
when you shook my hand and I shook yours too.
You smiled,
and so did I,
and we both went separate ways to our homes,
where in my house I tried to feel the warmth of your hand in mine,
I began to touch my cheeks pretending it was you brushing your warm hands against them.

There's this vital importance of touch that we sometimes as being don't notice well,
but those who do,
can tell you that it brings both lovers closer to each other especially once both hearts have melted together like super glue.
there'also that mystery of touch when it comes to intimacy,
especially between me and him.
its both a wonderful and beautiful experience,
to please the one you love both in soul, heart and body.

in the quietness of nights,
where peacefulness and tranquility lies,
I see a little girl,
next to her
her cousin laid,
it was alright then to share a bed with a boy.
but,
no,
he was a man in the form of a boy,
with adult thoughts,
adult hands,
for boy of 16,
he could do so much with his adult thinking..
what did I know for I was only a kid.
as my mind was slowly seeping into a world of childish dreams,
something from behind,
awakened me,
pulse raising,
heart palpitating,
he was choking me,
he was telling me I deserved this,
for misbehaving early,
when I refused to let him touch me,
even though he would still touch me aways.
his breathing was growing heavy now..
I could feel him forcing himself inside,
he was ******,
and I was screaming,
but no one could hear me,
why did no one hear my screams?
why could they not see what he was doing to me
why?
why do these nightmares still haunt me?
I fear to go back to sleep,
these nightmares;
they make me feel so weak,
for every dream takes me to the little girl,
the one  I used to be.

can I go outside,
to see the smiling sun,
wheel me around with my wheelchair in the park,
play with other kids,
just for a while,
just this last time.

can I take off my bandana,
let the breeze of wind brush against,
my cheeks,
hands,
hairless head,
just this last time,
for me,
please.

just this last time,
before I go to bed,
and never wake up again,
let me see,
the twinkles in moms eyes,
to play with the rays of sunlight,
through my fingers, feet, toes, hairy arms,
just this last time,
before lullabies of goodbyes,
are sung to me,
before I go to sleep,
just this last time
please.

for I know,
they'll be no me,
tomorrow,
I would have breathed my last breath,
and may leave those I love to cry in sorrow,
so please,
let me be,
just this last time,
just for me.

they say once you lose someone you thought truly loved, your life changes completely because maybe that one person was the reason you woke up everyday with a reason to live, smile, dance silly whilst being in the rain, the reason why your heart skipped a beat, the reason why you had a reason to be inlove, to know that no matter what happened you would be alright because every time you ran in his arms or opened up your heart and your thoughts of worry they would listen to you, guide you and be there for you through that time of joy and sadness. Its hard because its as if you have nothing to hold onto, you feel indifferent, you hide behind the bathroom door, lock it behind you and cry, cry because things will never be the same again, cry because you wish you could turn the hands of time, cry because your struggling to get over him, cry because its the only way to let the pain come out and cry because you know you've changed.

standing on top of a mountain,
my eyes like eagles travel before me,
sight to earth,
sight to skies,
I close my eyes pretending to be a bird I spread my wings,
I want to fly,
experience what birds feel,
no fear inside of them,
the luck given to them to travel,
to migrate
anywhere,
but,
then again here I am,
back to where I'm standing,
on this simple mountain,
the view looks the same,
I guess this is the reality of wanting to run away,
yet knowing and acknowledging that
there's nowhere to run to.

I saw claws that dug deep into my skin more like my soul,
they would't let go,
I tried to look up and I saw horns with thorns.
Every time they drew near to my face,
they pierced my flesh and blood dripped like a heavy rain.
This mysterious monster, fiend,
made a terrible screech which should me endlessly,
I could feel myself vibrating,
fear had gotten a hold on me,
its almost like I could hear myself screaming,
but know one could hear me,
eventually I woke up to realize it was only just a dream!

I wish you could
stare at me drawing you in my mind,
talk about artistry,
you're a beautiful vision of ecstasy,
making my teeth clench,
as body weakens in your presence freezing every word that should have come out,
flowing,
like a river,
my imagination would have run wild,
worshiping you like a knight who rescues me every night in my dreams, you oblivious to my future love.

today,
I dug up a box in our backyard.
it was decorated with pictures of us,
when we were young.
you had longer hair then.
you were smiling.
that was the most beautiful smile,
I had ever seen to exist.
so  beautiful even God above,
always left the night skies open,
filled with trillion million bright stars,
just so he could catch a  glimpse,
of that beautiful smile.
Why am I crying now?
I know you always hated seeing me this way,
all teary inside out,
but then you would sit beside me,
and put your arm around me,
and cry with me,
until we'd end up laughing for no good reason,
we'd reminisce on lots of memories...
The memories and this box is all I have left of you now,
the box filled with our goals of how we'd get married,
rule the world.
and the promises of never leaving each others side,
sisters till the end we'd say.

across the room,
I walked out of my living room door.
eyes concentrated,
drawn on the floors of my covered toes,
to the roof of my Afro.

Men stared at me with raw impure thoughts,
racing through their brains,
it was moment of galore for them,
that such exposure could have such an effect on their oblivious groins.

The clicking of my heels,
clicked on,
what could a woman do but walk on and remember that,
another like me, will soon again make him, him or even him,
turn heads
all simply because his just  being a man.

I am like a halo on your head,
glorifying your every step of the way,
as if you were dipped in honey,
sweetness in disguise,
smothered in gold,
rich in your lies,
but then again here I am holding you up,
as you milk every inside of me,
because you know I'm easy to give in,
and easy to let things go.

Sitting,
patiently,
obviously,
withering without seeing the great I AM in me.
the great things I could do if I were loving enough of myself too!

I wish I could sing you my heart with a thousand even millions choir of angels singing by my side as I accompany them with the melodic songs of my heart as each rhythm,
note and song sung sings of every emotion I feel about you in my heart, and how lucky I am to have you in my life.
What sweet melodies of love are these that come from my heart?
Its the joy and pride to say that my heart has truly being stolen by someone special in my life.
Oh how lucky I am to have fallen in love with you.

I'm just like any other butterfly,
with the same wing span,
same outlines,
I live like all the other butterflies do,
yet wish I was like you,
I wouldn't be so blue,
but happy just like you.
you see your no different to me,
despite the fact that your extraordinary,
your smile,
the way you make other butterflies laugh,
its so compelling,
yet so depressing on my part,
to want and need to be like you Mr extraordinary butterfly.

yeah you tell me you love me,
when I know I'm the not the only one your telling those words too,
you say I'm crazy,
when I know your words are always half-truths.
now your smiling,
forget it ,
your smile has lost its affect on me.
you look pathetic,
tryna patronize me,
you forgetting I'm not a kid,
but a woman who fell in love with a kid.
your childishly screaming at me,
childishly saying,
"I don't know anything about what your saying".
I'm saying you need to grow up,
I need a real man in my life,
face reality,
this me me facing the door,
exiting,
forgetting,
the day I took a step in our "home".

I wrote this poem with a fast beating heart,
trembling hands and racing thoughts of how you make me feel.
The feeling could be modified as indescribable, tangible, a beautiful work of art created only by the best artist you my love<3
How did you do it?
What is thy artist secret?
Was it mayb thy lips painted upon mine?
Thy intense proximity against me?
Thy artist work of art with thy gentle yet inquistive hands?
What magical touch is this that I've never ever felt before in my entire life?
Because whatever this is one can surely agree with me it can only be the work of love,
if I do stand incorrect may cupid take away my beating heart for you, my longing to be with you, kiss you,
play,
lay with you in bed,
have your weight upon mine as our bodies dance to the music of love or even take away my promise to love and care for you always.
If I'm wrong may cupid do so, unless of course thy artist agrees with I? Cupid shall have no reason to eradicate such.

one day I was sitting in a park,
with wondering eyes,
a couple caught my sight,
they seemed so lost in each other,
that my empty heart,
began to fill with a mountain of anger,

for those two lovers,
melting like chocolate in the sight of each other,
they had what I had never ever felt,
or come close to experiencing,
the love I could see in their eyes,
the way they touched each other,
not only in desire,
but the care and love they felt for one another.

I write when I'm happy
I write when I'm sad
Once I've written all I can
My heart fills with a wave of tidal oceans,
I feel glad.

I write words to inspire,
some words filled with desire,
as long as the message is clear,
I want to open up your mind, eyes, ears
to see what I've written
I want the whole world to hear.

my writing you see might make you sigh,
make the depths of your heart touched,
make you redden with burning anger,
or simply make you cry a river,
forgive me if I offend you in my writings,
my aim is for my words to be reached.

as long as the message is clear,
I want to open up your mind, eyes, ears
to see what I've written
I want the whole world to hear.

that's why I write.

I want more than this,
I want more than just a kiss,
more than momentary belonging,
more than texting here and there just for your quick fix!

You see I'm tired of succumbing to your needs,
when all I want and need from you is to see beyond my body,
I want to feel protected like packaged candy

I want to wake up next to you breathing,
kiss your lips, let you whisper into my ears, how you missed me while you were busy dreaming.

I guess it doesn't matter because at the end of the day your need is not my want.

My pen is like a resounding cymbal;
its loud noise ringing fills the atmosphere in my head.
The words become like waterfalls,
pouring in and out of my mind when I think of the compelling beauty of life, or simply the admiration of stars gazing at each other as their silhouette of light woes mankind to sleep at night and my blood stream inevitably filled with poetry, I become a night owl.… The letters begin making up an impregnation of words…
They grow tremendously in my mind as if one were to start a huge fire, I’m at it again,
a spark erupts,
quickening impulse,
quickening in thoughts of the life before and after me,
the life of others,
the joy and pain of living,
those whose last breaths have left legacy on earth and those unknown yet close to home.
The seasons, the months, play in my head.
The pen doesn’t hesitate,
it never does.
It speaks from the roots and stems of the heart.
At the end of the day all that matters is the God-given life of writing and most importantly,
the words that matter to you and me.

mama whispered into my ear "you can tell me anything".
how can I tell you everything when every word spoken,
is seen in obliviousness to whats in front of you,
like how papa creeps up into the room when your lost in a world of dreams,
the way his inquisitive hands find its way to areas you would not believe.
I hate the way you **** up to him,
when we both know whose the victim,
and yet you tell me,
ask me,
patronize me into speaking in the presence of him.

we see it,
experience it,
in their oblivion,
we feel the pain,
they call a phase.
they don't want to listen,
we are just children.
someday the rain will make a way,
for the sun to come out.
all the fear will disappear,
all the cracks in our broken hearts,
will be feared with a tender touch of love,
from someone to call a mom or dad.

so light brown
yet so beautiful,

as i watch her talking oblivious to my concentration,
admiring the beauty of her small pink lips,
naked long neck,
freckled oval shaped face,
small,
brown,
riveting eyes,
drawing me to want to know more of her,
to want to play a bigger part in her life,
fill a part of myself in heart beautiful beating heart,
how did i know that such a person could have this effect on me,
so compelling is her voice that like a cliché she "brings me to my knees"
legs,
shaking like strawberry jelly,
hands trembling,
she's mind boggling,
leaving me with more inquisition,
to read between the mysteries that lie behind her beautiful mind,

so light brown,
yet so beautiful.

she has stolen my heart,
a part of me has become so lost i her,
i have become so engrossed in her,
yet she doesn't even know it,
it's painful,
it really is,
how such a beauty,
will never be mine.

I remember her,
shouting at me when I was a little younger.
I've out grown those days of being made to think that I am lesser than a man, or playing with boys would turn me into an lesbian whose only revenge of never having kids would be based on the fact that she, my mother Christine stuurman, lessoned herself.
with fistful of hurtful words from him,
with bruises she still loved him,
with kindness she let him in,
into our lives,
Shed her bed with them
living the same old lie,
men after men,
as if they were orbiting around her like the sun and star

What about me?
Why didn't I change she still asks today?
I did,
I changed every perception of men,
I changed how I treated them,
like dirt in sewage pipes they were to me,
I trampled on their egos, hating their existence and not understanding why my mom lowered herself so much for men. I wish she had opened her eyes, loved less and love herself more.
but life opened my eyes too, all I wished for her was to find a man so loving and understanding as the one I've found.

I hate the way you make it hard for me to leave you.
you make me feel the way I've always wanted to feel,
needed to feel,
deserved to feel.
the thing is its kinda crazy,
that it leaves me not knowing what to do,
with this love that you implemented in my empty heart,
like a drug I've become so compelled to this addiction,
yet stuck,
because even though I know the exit door is around the corner,
I know the fear lingers in the air,
fear I won't ever find someone like you out there
I'm scared to leave you lover,
and I'm not gonna pretend,
even though I hate to say it,
for the first time I've realized that your not going anywhere,
your the first guy whose tears I've shed,
out of joy, love and happiness in years,

i remember a time,
when i was young,
about the age of twelve,
i came to a realisation with myself.
i was entering a stage of puberty then,
trying to figure out what was happening to me,
made things difficult you see,
especially,
when you have no one to talk to about these things,
not even your family.
what made me come to the realisation that i was ugly,
was the emphasis of that word placed in my life,
as i was growing up,
by my mom and dad.
it made me feel weak like a mouse,
when they always reminded me of how i won't grow to be beautiful,
or the star i someday wished to be.
and so i faced reality,
i allowed that word to sink deep inside of me,
seeping into my heart,
mind,
it made my life a misery,
i hated the reflection i saw on the mirror,
because i couldn't stand the fear,
the mirror inflicted on me.
i grew up believing that i would never be pretty,
or somebodys,
somebody.
until i met you,
my friend,
my brother,
lover to the end.
you gave me courage to believe in myself,
that i was a beautiful creation of God,
and that God placed me on earth for a purpose in life.
through you and God i found a greater love like no other,
and those words of pain no longer mattered to me anymore,
God loves me just the way i am.

Silence came creeping into my room without an invitation. She promised to love me without any expectations. I kept her word for it. She made everything seem easier for me. My cuts, the horrible dreams, my tears it was always between her and me. She told that she,d keep me safe from the world. She kept me strong even though I knew it hurt. She became my best friend. In everybodys eyes I would pretend, but in her eyes she knew the real me because she cared. Untill one day she left without leaving a letter or a trace, she never came back. My only friend left, leaving me dead. She was my only best friend

can we pretend like everything is like yesterday,
pretend the smiles on are faces are the same,
as they were the other day,
the day you met me and I met you,
back then the love was truly real,
who ever said dreams come true,
is the biggest liar I've ever met because if they were,
I wouldn't be here stuck with you,
missing you,
even though your right here next to me,
but living my dream oh happy endings,
with my prince charming.

if only,
I could let the words fly out like butterflies,
flying freely in the sky,
I lack the freedom to express myself inside,
I lack the trust and understanding in you,
the understanding that your with me not because I care for you,
but because you love me for me.
you always tell  me you,
you love me for the truth I always speak,
you love me because I'm the other half that keeps life worth living,
the other half that makes you happy,
that makes a part of you feel joy and peace,
that makes you feel like he can be who he wants to be when I'm around him.
if only I could see what you see,
if only I could feel free,
I'm scared you see,
like a baby,
I don't know what step to take first,
I'm scared I won't make you happy enough,
I don't know how to believe in myself,
I don't know where to start,
you say it takes time,
to get over the scars that once used to control your life,
the battle of trying to survive the abuse that caused you pain inside,
you say you're here for me,
I'm scared to see what you see in me,
I'm scared you'll leave,
like the rest did,
if only I could see what you see,
just maybe,
maybe it will change my perception of things,
if only.

Today I learnt how it felt to let people or anyone for that matter of fact know how I was feeling and you know what? It actually works out perfectly. They say to you, they understand what your going through, but deep down their hearts they know that they
wont always be there to catch a glimpse of the immense pain you carry in your heart, the tears that cry themselves to sleep oblivious to how the person letting them out feels deep inside. They wont ever get to fix your broken hurt, they wont ever get to heal you inside out and at the end of today no matter how hard you try to show them the real you, you will go home to find yourself all alone again, just the way you were when you woke up today.

I stood outside the white doors of the hospital.
the invitation still open.
was I really going ahead with this?
killing a life that was about to miss out,
on a future he or she could have had the chance to live out,
experienced,
feel,
in the name of love.
I could feel the tears streaming down,
I could feel myself drowning in a well,
of fears.
the fear of missing out on the beautiful sight of seeing his first crawl,
or the first time she spoke.
was I really doing this?
Giving up on what I will miss the most?
He held my hand and wiped my tears,
he kissed my forehead and whispered quietly in my ears,
"I'm here,
I'm not going anywhere."
I had to this,
there was no other way,
yet he still wanted to stay.
this was it,
we went in,
ready to let go...
the nurse said,
"its time".

I used to tell myself,
I'd never become like her,
as I stare  at the oblivious mirror,
a reflection of mother,
stares back at me.
I can see her mocking at me,
saying,
"you look just like me"
she's deliriously laughing now,
the drugs are finally working,
their dancing around in head,
again, and again and again,
she needs it you see,
its her addiction,
its what makes her live,
takes away all the pain and misery.
I find myself talking just like her
saying the exact words she once uttered,
this is your life now baby,
its so beautiful how you can become so consumed,
in it that once it takes full ******* over you,
it makes it hard to turn away,
the mistake I made.

I don't blame you if you leave me,
you see,
we live in two different worlds with different thinking,
your in it for the love,
I'm in it for the experience and to **** time,
when deep down this is always what I've been looking for,
the kind of man who wouldn't walk out the door,
but stay and try to figure out whats wrong.
you often forgive me for being so difficult,
when I know I'm doing it on purpose just to give you a reason,
to leave me,
yet your not running,
I don't see you running,
I don't understand how you can love me,
when all I'm trying to do is to make you hate me,
just like I hate me.