our hearts still beating in the midst of nights
lying next to each other,
that could mean anything,
doesn't mean we're lovers.
you might see what I don't see,
you see love and intimacy,
and I see physical touch,
yet thats what keeps us going,
asleast for my part.

I regret holding you,
when you cried in my arms.
I regret kissing you,
and telling you how much
I loved you.
I regret thinking about you,
everytime you left my sight,
after we'd spend some time together,
sharing moments of laughters.
I regret calling you my blue eyed princess,
because the moment your eyes gazed into mine,
they opened up a part of myself,
I'd never let anyone in except for your heart,
you were the type of person that could read and understand me
inside and out.
I regret touching you,
because every touch that I gave to you still lingers in my mind,
it still triggers a part of me that only you knew so welll.
I regret us making love for the first time,
that experience and many more with you in our special bedroom,
you'd always call our "love nest",
always left me wanting more of you emotionally and physically.
worst of all,
I regret meeting you for the first time and falling inlove with you,
otherwise I wouldnt be standing here crying these endless ocean of tears at your funeral.

this morning,
I hurt myself,
not by mistake but on purpose,
I wanted to feel how it felt to live again,
to breath,
to escape the pain,
that was building up inside of me..
it scares me,
to hurt mysef,
it makes me reminisce on the varies times and occasions,
I wanted to commit suicide,
end my,
God given life,
back then I wanted to give up,
to hurt myself again today,
took a lot of courage,
I was scared,
even though I've experienced the pain before,
it showed me that I've grown up,
I've become a stronger person,
within in myself.
I threw away the blade,
and smiled,
telling myself,
I'm beautiful and brave,
and life has a purpose for me.
and that giving up is the last thing on mind,
when I have so many things to achieve in life.

is it normal to feel this way,
always contemplating if this just about,
the *******,
doing everything that pleases him,
just being there when it suites him,
or just my company,
because something feels like its missing,
the feeling you once filled inside of me,
is slowly disappearing,
as if its going with the wind,
being replaced with something hollow and empty,
please tell me why do,
I feel used?
tell me why do I not feel the way I used to feel,
when I kissed you,
touched you,
made love to you,
because this, us,
feels nothing meaningful to you,
im scared,
afraid,
and the worse part of all,
is that I'm on the verge of leaving,
us,
and you.

so light brown
yet so beautiful,

as i watch her talking oblivious to my concentration,
admiring the beauty of her small pink lips,
naked long neck,
freckled oval shaped face,
small,
brown,
riveting eyes,
drawing me to want to know more of her,
to want to play a bigger part in her life,
fill a part of myself in heart beautiful beating heart,
how did i know that such a person could have this effect on me,
so compelling is her voice that like a cliché she "brings me to my knees"
legs,
shaking like strawberry jelly,
hands trembling,
she's mind boggling,
leaving me with more inquisition,
to read between the mysteries that lie behind her beautiful mind,

so light brown,
yet so beautiful.

she has stolen my heart,
a part of me has become so lost i her,
i have become so engrossed in her,
yet she doesn't even know it,
it's painful,
it really is,
how such a beauty,
will never be mine.

I love it when you love me.
not just through word of mouth, telephoning,
writing, emailing,
I love it when you love me,
with your presence.

your proximity,
compels me to you,
its as if once near to you,
I'm possessed,
lost in a world,
I never knew could exist.

How my body aches,
for your warm loving touch,
you take me higher,
like a machine being driven to places,
you take me to places.

I'm so deeply lost in you,
for you have ways of making me feel needed,
I can't explain it,
but you amaze me..
your love for me makes me happy.

I used to tell myself,
I'd never become like her,
as I stare  at the oblivious mirror,
a reflection of mother,
stares back at me.
I can see her mocking at me,
saying,
"you look just like me"
she's deliriously laughing now,
the drugs are finally working,
their dancing around in head,
again, and again and again,
she needs it you see,
its her addiction,
its what makes her live,
takes away all the pain and misery.
I find myself talking just like her
saying the exact words she once uttered,
this is your life now baby,
its so beautiful how you can become so consumed,
in it that once it takes full ******* over you,
it makes it hard to turn away,
the mistake I made.

from the time,
that i was born,
i was a walking doll,
the younger version of barbie ofcourse,
thats what mama thought.
she would dress me up,
with her best pearl collection,
and silky dresses she had bought for me,
at expensive clothing stores,
she wanted me to be the most perfect of them all.
to make sure in the eyes of many,
i was adored...
i look at my daughter,
whose four years old,
now,
she lives in her own world,
shes her own being,
my bundle of joy,
i love the fact that she is so free in around her surroundings,
my hope for me as her mother,
is to never,
make my daughter
feel that she has to live up to the expectations
of being perfect,
or better,
than anyone,
in order to be loved,
and not to make the mistake mama made,
when she wanted me to be the most perfect girl,
in her world.

I like him tall,
slim and,
built,
a man who can walk the walk,
more like talk the talk,
a man whose not afraid to sweep
me off my feet,
make love like a real man,
a man who knows how to please,
I want to wake up to breakfast in bed,
he has to always hold my hand,
when I'm feeling scared,
talk to me with respect,
and always be be prepared,
to face my unexpected moodswings,
everyday.
I need him to love me,
like his afraid to lose me,
kiss me like a hunger,
needed to be fulfilled,
treat me like his
Queen,
I want to be his first priority,
cause if he doesnt fulfill my standards,
that would make the worst thing that every happened,
in my life.

I see you,
yet
I dont really see you,
I dont see the person that loved my company,
I no longer see the smile,
that made sure everything was at ease
between us,
I keep on contemplating of playing the same game,
that your playing...
you know,
the one called hide and seek,
except with a twist,
you hide and I keep on seeking,
I'm tired of it,
I want to find you,
I need to find us,
I need to find what caused this growing distance.

he loves freely,
peacefully,
beautifully,
quietly in the middle of the night,
love making,
he loves.

he loves like chocolate ice-cream,
the mmmm...taste in my mouth,
licking lips,
warm feeling in my heart,
he loves.

he loves like mama loves her baby,
cuddling,
tickling,
lovingly,
kissing,
woeing me to sleep,
he loves<3

I love starecases
I love the different levels of them,
especially the colours,
black, brown which ever hue,
one likes or chooses.
however,
I hate the ones we have at home,
the ones covered in ****** stains,
I know
I sound insane,
but the ghost still lives and on walks on them,
the ghost of mom,
you remember dad,
you were there when she died,
in my arms,
when you shot her brains out
one,
two,
like a boxing match,
she was knocked out,
why didn't you listen to her?
when she told you to put the gun down?
she now sleeps six feet underground,
so much for the love of staircases.

your the reason I wake up at night,
sipping coffee,
hands trembling,
the fear of failing,
has got me studying
preparing
preparing
PREPARING!!!
like a owl at night,
my eyes glued to the book,
the inevitable sight,
I have no choice,
but to go through these books,
past papers,
study notes,
last minute cramming,
untill I face the dreaded cold halls of my school,
to finally face you....

can I go outside,
to see the smiling sun,
wheel me around with my wheelchair in the park,
play with other kids,
just for a while,
just this last time.

can I take off my bandana,
let the breeze of wind brush against,
my cheeks,
hands,
hairless head,
just this last time,
for me,
please.

just this last time,
before I go to bed,
and never wake up again,
let me see,
the twinkles in moms eyes,
to play with the rays of sunlight,
through my fingers, feet, toes, hairy arms,
just this last time,
before lullabies of goodbyes,
are sung to me,
before I go to sleep,
just this last time
please.

for I know,
they'll be no me,
tomorrow,
I would have breathed my last breath,
and may leave those I love to cry in sorrow,
so please,
let me be,
just this last time,
just for me.

my heart,
was a broken glass,
the other half could never be seen,
nor found,
my hands were dry as a desert,
the emptiness in the cracked parts,
could not describe the empty feeling I felt inside,
my mind,
lost in cynical thoughts of suicide,
slicing my skin with an object,
I labelled as my friend,
the blade,
that I thought could end the pain that poisoned my dying soul,
and left a stain of endless,
cries,
fears,
I tried hiding inside,
you opened up a part of me that I thought could never be healed by anyone but you,
sitting here reminiscing to myself how wonderful you are,
the epiphany of needing you in my life,
has never meant this much to me,
you changed me,
and for that I thank you so much ,
for coming into my life,
I love you God.

as I lie down to sleep,
these silent memories,
like snails,
slowly crawl into my head,
every memory stuck on replay,
memories of our last kiss
in your small silver car,
the last kiss shared before we faded  away,
like dust we dispersed into air,
memories of that day still
haunt me,
your face
it wont go away,
those beautiful eyes,
the way your touch sent waves of explosions,
inside and outside of  me
you were the only one who could release that feeling in me,
because you knew me,
you once loved me,
such memories are too precious to eradicate,
to make them go away,
how I wish it would never hurt this much to go to bed,
sleeping in a world of old memories,
and shedding oblivious tears.

what a bundle of joy these little ones are
to me,
like stars in the sky,
they always create a warm feeling of light
in my heart.

their innocent minds,
with innocent talks,
words of an ideal fairytale life
their hopes, and dreams,
make me smile,
the fact that they have the drive inside of them
that compels them to love life
and never give up
when the going gets tough

It saddens me to know that someday
I'll have to face the reality,
that this moment of their childhood will come to an end
where they will grow up
their minds compelled,
to to experience more of life,

the worst part is the epiphany
that someday I'll pick them up
and place them down,
and never pick them up again.

I remember,
clear blue skies,
mama in the kitchen singing sweet lullabies,
with the sun shining outside
I could smell the,
fresh cut green grass,
how I loved staring at the sky,
drawing pictures with my innocent green eyes,
I was only a child.

I remember,
hearing gun shots,
from the kitchen,
hearing mama screaming,
her scream,
painfully hurt my ears,
creating an ocean of  fear,
crawling in my skin.
as she ran out of the kitchen,
I'd never seen so much blood dripping.
the blue sky,
with the smiling sun,
began to fill up with an escalation of dark, grey clouds
I was only a child.

one day I was sitting in a park,
with wondering eyes,
a couple caught my sight,
they seemed so lost in each other,
that my empty heart,
began to fill with a mountain of anger,

for those two lovers,
melting like chocolate in the sight of each other,
they had what I had never ever felt,
or come close to experiencing,
the love I could see in their eyes,
the way they touched each other,
not only in desire,
but the care and love they felt for one another.

I write when I'm happy
I write when I'm sad
Once I've written all I can
My heart fills with a wave of tidal oceans,
I feel glad.

I write words to inspire,
some words filled with desire,
as long as the message is clear,
I want to open up your mind, eyes, ears
to see what I've written
I want the whole world to hear.

my writing you see might make you sigh,
make the depths of your heart touched,
make you redden with burning anger,
or simply make you cry a river,
forgive me if I offend you in my writings,
my aim is for my words to be reached.

as long as the message is clear,
I want to open up your mind, eyes, ears
to see what I've written
I want the whole world to hear.

that's why I write.

In your beautiful brown eyes,
there is no space for the sight of me,
INVISIBLE
is what you see,
like a clear crystal glass.

you say;
the view of me through your eyes,
leaves you blind,

INVISIBLE
is what you see,
with an empty heart,
you choose not to look, not see
so vain you've become,
when I beg and plead for you to notice me,
to notice the aquamarine dress I put on just for you,
the glistening eye shadow your favorite shades of blue ,
you cynical remarks make me feel ugly,
I try so hard to please you but yet,
INVISIBLE IS WHAT YOU SEE!

why cant you love me?
make me feel like the woman,
I was always proud of when I used to make you happy?
our home has become as cold as you have become,
our love has become old as shriveled up fruit,
the fruit of our discontinuous love.
all because you lost the beauty you saw in me,
you lost the long heart beating love for me,
you gave up on what could have been the best part of our intimacy,
the once escalating, growing relationship,
that's become an empty strange broken down place,
cob-webbed and gray,
you never told me what I'd done wrong to push you away,
maybe I wasn't doing enough to entertain you everyday
you'd say.

I want you to be free,
so you can no longer endure the pain of seeing me,
it wouldn't matter now anyways,
I was always invisible to you,
so this is my way of ending your malignant pain
Don't cry, be happy,
one of us had to run away and die from this misery,
I nominated myself to die,
so you no longer had to see me
now as I write my last words
I feel free from all the burden and misery
of you seeing invisible me.
Goodbye my lover, partner friend
my heart will always love you till the end.

she is infinity beyond what nature can compare. In awe she is looked upon on. Her walks, flaws so untangibly bare. Jealousy surrounds her like a thousand swarming beez. They seem not to notice that she doesnt care but humbly flaunts her beauty requiting their envy with her stares. Her heart so strong her love deeper than the ocean can reach is a hope for others. She is beauty and beauty is her.

Silence came creeping into my room without an invitation. She promised to love me without any expectations. I kept her word for it. She made everything seem easier for me. My cuts, the horrible dreams, my tears it was always between her and me. She told that she,d keep me safe from the world. She kept me strong even though I knew it hurt. She became my best friend. In everybodys eyes I would pretend, but in her eyes she knew the real me because she cared. Untill one day she left without leaving a letter or a trace, she never came back. My only friend left, leaving me dead. She was my only best friend

Today I learnt how it felt to let people or anyone for that matter of fact know how I was feeling and you know what? It actually works out perfectly. They say to you, they understand what your going through, but deep down their hearts they know that they
wont always be there to catch a glimpse of the immense pain you carry in your heart, the tears that cry themselves to sleep oblivious to how the person letting them out feels deep inside. They wont ever get to fix your broken hurt, they wont ever get to heal you inside out and at the end of today no matter how hard you try to show them the real you, you will go home to find yourself all alone again, just the way you were when you woke up today.

She looks around to see if there's anyone watching her.She quickly runs to the bathroom with tears filling her eye. The flashbacks are back again of what she used to call love. She locks herself in one of the bathroom and quietly the tears pour out, too oblivious to the pain she's feeling inside.
Out she pulls her only comfort, her friend and her relief. The blade so sharp digs into her skin cutting, cutting away the heavy thoughts, the nightmares, the fear, the pain she refuses to face yet she knows the blade she cuts with is her only protection from them.
The blade is there to take all the pain away, slowly , surely she lies to herself.
Her cuts deepen without her realising or thinking about the immense dripping of blood.
Suddenly it all disappears, the pain slowly fades away, her blade, her friend has fulfilled its job once again.
Its all over she say.

I was only a small child. He pulled me by my hair and threw me on his bed. He climbed on top of me and whispered into my ears that I was the best gift that god had ever given to him for his own use. He looked at me with so much anger, hunger, desired intensity, I could see the fire in his eyes as they began to dilate. He slapped me on my face thrice and shouted at me to stop crying and that my tears were not gonna save me now. He could see the fear in my eyes, but his cold heart so selfish of this child in front of this monster turned its back on me, the child that used to be loved, cared, and well looked after. He began tying my arms to the bed and my legs too. His proximity was too much for me because I could smell the alcohol, the heaviness of this man against my skin. He began touching me, trying to make me believe that everything was going to be okay and soon it would all go away . What could I have said? For I was only a small child back then. All I could recall was the flash of a girls innocence stripped away by her own flesh and blood, her father the man that help his wife give birth to his only child, the man whose now become her biggest nightmare. If I had to say something to him right now, questions of why he had done what he did to me would come about. Why dad? Why did you do it? Why did you **** and abuse me? I thought fathers are suppose to love and protect their daughters? Why did you make me hate you so? You have left me scarred. All I see in the mirror is an ugly, used, girl with a lot of blood on her hands. I feel so *****, you made me *****. I cant stare at any guy without seeing your face and that evil smile, that smile my worst nightmare because I always knew what it meant. I hate you, you ruined my life and now, now I cant even begin to describe how much I wanted or have tried to **** ,myself because of you. I hope your happy, proud of yourself, do feel you have achieved what you wanted? Did you honestly love me? Why why did it have to be me? I guess only God knows, after all I was the best gift that God had given to my father.

Look at me,look at me and tell me what you achieved out of hurting me? Did you not stop to think to yourself to think of how I felt? Did your cold heart not bare to listen closely, to show a single care for me? It seems as if you enjoyed inflicting your vain pain on me.its as if your inhumanity is a cover to what ever your hiding under your cracked hands. Why did you do this to me? What did I ever do to gain hate from you? All I ever did was smile at you, try to be your friend ,but you threw it back into my face. You made me feel so small, so belittled as you viciously trampled on me, slowy not realising how much I wanted to hide away from you. You never ever gave me a chance to be your friend, and all I can say now is here you are looking at me, at my grave, your lost for words, speechless. I gave in too quick to your game so there you have it, you win. Dont cry, dont feel bad, I want you to smile at the fact of getting rid of me, smile and move on but know that your the reason im dead. R.i.p amanda todd

I love him, I still do. The days have gone by so quick yet I can't eradicate the thoughts of him that linger in my head, reminiscing every smile on his face, look in his eyes, his beautiful smile that made me feel like everything would be okay, his manly smell that one scent that always drew me near to him, those times, those seconds, those hours, that minute that one moment that my mind in oblivion can not feel yet my heart in rapid beating felt in depth, in love for him and me specifically for him, I won't forget no matter how hard it will be I will always love him truly.

Look at me. In these eyes innocence has been replaced with a beautiful black woman, with fully grown african curves, mother natures recipe. In her eyes reflects a mature mind whose childish thoughts have been eradicated and replaced with with adult thinking and each and everyday as she grows she ages less in her looks yet her mind gains more wisdom about the life around her and herself and others too.

They never knew what happened to me when I was a child. They never bothered to check or even ask why I kept so quiet all the time. They never knew what he used to do to me when they weren't around. My precious tiny body, my innocence stripped away by own cousin, who always made the world his play ground. A devil, my nightmare in disguise whose favourite times with me were always at night where everyone had gone to bed and he would sneak up to my bed and do as he pleased with me as he kept telling me that everything would be alright and that this was his way of showing how much he loved me. How could I have listened to him? Believed all his lies as he told me that "this is to be kept a secret between the two of us". What did I know? For I was a little child whose world was filled with childish thoughts and silly fairy tale dreams that meant nothing. How did those dreams become my fear so quick? How can one forceful kiss or painful touch give me endless nightmares? Look at me today, look at this young woman that I have become today, still living in that fear because of my childhood. I've become such an insecure being, still questioning and trying to understand why my cousin did what he did to me. Worst of all how could they not see it? See what was happening in front of their eyes. Did they not love me enough? Did they? Even after attending so many counselling sessions why do I still feel out of place? I feel like I'm lacking something that could have made me proud to call myself beautiful or special. Almighty father forgive me for taking so long to forgive him, forgive everything his done to me, forgive him for not asking me for my apology, forgive me for finding it hard to forgive.

they say once you lose someone you thought truly loved, your life changes completely because maybe that one person was the reason you woke up everyday with a reason to live, smile, dance silly whilst being in the rain, the reason why your heart skipped a beat, the reason why you had a reason to be inlove, to know that no matter what happened you would be alright because every time you ran in his arms or opened up your heart and your thoughts of worry they would listen to you, guide you and be there for you through that time of joy and sadness. Its hard because its as if you have nothing to hold onto, you feel indifferent, you hide behind the bathroom door, lock it behind you and cry, cry because things will never be the same again, cry because you wish you could turn the hands of time, cry because your struggling to get over him, cry because its the only way to let the pain come out and cry because you know you've changed.

I want you to look straight into my brown eyes, more like straight into the misteries that lie within the person that I am inside. Guide me in a lot of righteous ways like lover to lover, making me fly as you show me the ways to reach the stars so high as we dance together to rhythmical music of love played out in beautiful harmonies as you show me what it means to be loved, how to love and and what the true meaning of love is.

Take away all those things related to love, blindon me from love at first sight so I may not fall into an early death of a broken heart all over again. Erase the moments that ever made me feel good inside because of him, those short significant hours, minutes and seconds we'd be mesmorised by each others presence because I want to forget it, I want to forget everything to prevent myself from useless tears that obliviously fall down my empty soft hands. If God is all I have, I have everything I need.

She is the exception to the rule
Does not conform to the ways of others
She sets her own path and lives by her rules.

She is unique
A light of inspiration to those who know her not and pillar of strength to those who do.
They call her weird, crazy, different
Inorder to display their lack of understanding.

She is beautiful
A beauty that goes beyond the physical
The beauty that many a lady strive for but never attain
The beauty that radiates from within
And is seen through her eyes and breathtaking smile.

Exceptional, unique, beautiful
Three words to describe my amazing friend,
Whom I will love and cherish till the very end.

A lone tear travels slowly down her cheek.
Her eyes glisten with sadness.
An aching heart beats slowly within her.
Behind that smile, there lies a solemn gaze.
Behind those bright eyes,
there lies unspeakable memories.
Behind that gentle heart,
there lies a world of experiences that most will never understand.
We all wish to see the lovely things,
we all want to see the miracles,
we all look to see the beauty… But behind those lovely things there were once awkward and ungainly roots and stalks,
Behind those miracles there were once broken pieces of lives,
tainted minds,
shattered crystal,
Behind the beauty there was once an ugliness that was not to be acknowledged.
Questions arise within minds,
but fall silent upon lips. For if we do not ask,
we will not know, and if we do not know,
we will not be held responsible.
She lives on.
The painful art of healing moves within her.
A smile plays on her lips,
there is a glance of a twinkle within her eyes,
And that gentle heart… That gentle heart waits.

No one heard my silwnt cries
Today
Tomorrow
Till my life does its part
AND I DIE

Cry with hate and sorrow
And love devine
Its my time
My time to shine

like tiny fresh petals,
slowly and gradually stretching out of their stalk, he slowly kissed me
a kiss that still haunts my memory when I touch my soft brown lips.
his kiss opened up many gate ways like new stars crawling out of darkness of night skies to show their new bright light on oblivious planets, universe and skies of day and night.
like tiny fresh petals
a world of emptiness, desperation welcomed him with eyes wide open, body soul and mind awakening ready for a place for him to fill it, to fill the pain  i was involuntary feeling.
like fresh tiny petals
his love
our kiss,
his touch,
hearts left beating
he deflowered me.