i'm sorry
i've been selfish
sometimes
when i am drowning
in my own thoughts
and sadness and anxiety
i cannot think outside of myself
here is my formal apology
to everyone i have hurt
while i was trying to fix myself
self care is important but
not at the expense of those i love
i am learning how to separate
self care and selfishness
so i am sorry
i know i ****** up
and i know i will **** up again
here is my formal apology
to the people
i love and i hurt

i thought that writing had become
a part of me
but when i start to feel better
i stop writing
and maybe i am not me
when i am feeling better
what a terrible thought to have
is it possible to be me
and happy at the same time

when i say "i'm tired"
i do not mean
i'm sleepy
i mean
i am completely and utterly exhausted
i mean
that when i think i have nothing left to give the world finds something else to take
i mean
i want to give up, not want exactly but giving up seems almost inevitable at this point
i mean
how do i feel more drained everyday when i thought there was no water left
i mean
i am not okay and i do not want to lie so when you ask me
"how are you doing?"
instead of saying
i'm okay or i'm fine
i say
"i'm tired"

and i have to wonder
if things were ever
really good
or did i wear
rose-colored glasses
whenever you were near
love
can make my vision
so cloudy
my love
made my vision
so cloudy
and now
i am having a hard time
remembering
when
if it was ever
really good

i only asked
for you to be honest
you broke me
not in a way
that i won't be able
to put myself back together
i will
but right now
the stitches are breaking
and i am crumbling
and you cannot be honest
i asked you to talk
and you ignored me
just say no
tell me you don't want to
or you can't
tell me something
do not leave me here
sitting
waiting
hurting
reminding me
of our broken promise

you came with a list
questions you needed to ask
and i sat there
and i did my best
to give you what you were looking for
i know that is what i wanted too
someone to listen
and i am amazed
that you cared enough
to write them down
and i thought
maybe that is your own kind of poetry

i just realized
this is the first day
we haven’t talked
in over four months
i am not ready
to not talk to you
and i know you need space
but i don’t know what to do
with all of this space
because the only person
i want to fill it with
is you

i so fondly remember
laying down on the old baseball diamond
wrapped in you arms
cradled by the overgrown grass
rocked by the light breeze
sang to by the crickets
and your voice in my ear
i didn’t know i was failing in love
but i did know
the air felt kind when it brushed my shoulder

i am trying
to be happy
it might not look like it
but please, trust me
i am trying
it has not been easy
every breath i take
i try not to fall apart
every time i blink
i try not to see the black hole
i can't help but fall into
so when you tell me
i complain a lot
i have to stop myself
from screaming
you cannot see what it is like for me
you cannot see what i fight against
every day
so when you tell to be happy
trust me
i am trying

when my old best friend
casually says
"******"
while i sit in the front seat of her car
texting my girlfriend
i feel my stomach flip
i sit
in her car
silent
i do not try to correct her
i try to erase the conversation
we had about queer parents
i try to erase our memories
from when we were children
i try not to hate myself
for being hopeful that one day
she could change
i try to remember
that i am not in the wrong
she is
but i can feel the hatred
burning my skin and
cutting me open
i know that if i take too deep of a breath
i will break down
and i don't know
where to go from here
is it wrong for me to hope
one day she will be better
how do i stop
holding on
and on
to the plans we made as children
to stand up at each others weddings
is it wrong of me
to so badly want
to forgive her