i write everyone
i love
into poetry
how telling it is
that i do not
do the same
for myself

the first time:

when she left me
i took salvation in poetry
i searched for the words
i needed someone else to say
they understood the pain
they understood the love
they understood the loss
they understood the longing
they understood the absolute chaos
i filled my life with poetry
reading it
writing it
listening to it
and to this day
my mind and my pen
crave the comfort
the salvation
the home
i found in poetry


the second time:

when i left her
i searched for forgiveness in poetry
how do i forgive myself
for leaving someone
who hurt me
who used me
who took advantage of me
how do i forgive myself
for knowing i could never love her
and refusing to lie about it
when i left her
we both cried
i resorted back to poetry
the only home i knew
the only home i still know

i wrote everything down
every thought
every voice
every story
i found some of the same poems
with new meanings
i am forever grateful
for the poems
that hold me tight
refusing to ever let go

i want to write myself 14 odes
one ode for every minute
it took for you
to break my heart
one ode for every day
in the month
it took for me to tell you
i had feelings for you
one ode for every page
you read in the book
you kept from me
for months
but maybe 14 odes
is not enough
i want to write an ode
for every time i doubted myself
to prove to myself
i have always been enough
i want to write 14 odes
because i want to change the number
i see it everywhere
and just one time
i want it to belong to me

i could have told you sooner
i made up every excuse
i created scenarios
i made myself afraid
i am not sure what to feel
relief or regret
i could have felt this sooner
coming out of the closet
was the scariest thing
i have ever done
but i do not feel
anymore brave than before
i do feel relieved
i do feel loved
i do feel grateful

mom
i am so sorry
i was not ready
and now that i am
mom
i am so scared
how can you ever forgive me
is a lie by omission
still considered a lie
mom
did you know
how long did it take you to realize
i was not going to make this life easy
even though you gave me the world
all of the privilege i could ask for
i would still find a way to make it harder
mom
will you still love me the same way
will you have to grieve the girl i used to be
will you be able to sleep at night
will you blame yourself
mom
it is not your fault
it is no one’s fault
there is nothing wrong
mom
i love this part of me
i love all of me
mommy
please
when you are ready
love this part of me too
love all of me if you can

i am stuck in a place
of so badly wanting to be happy
and doing nothing about it
it’s not that i don’t want to do anything
i do
but there is something stopping me
from changing anything
because what if
when i try to make it better
i make it worse
and i flip the small switch
that brings me back
to that terrible place
and i let myself get swallowed
over and over again
i am fighting this private war
but the battle has come to a standstill
there are no victories
there is no action
i have to do something

i keep thinking about
when she told me i was
“a lot”
she meant it as an insult
i know that
but i do not understand
how being “a lot”
is a bad thing
what she meant
was that my love
overwhelmed her
i felt emotions
she did not understand
or maybe i just understood
those same emotions differently
i loved with every part of my being
i think it is a compliment
to be able to love “a lot”
to be able to laugh “a lot”
to be able to care “a lot”
i have decided that
i am done apologizing
i am ready to wear
“a lot”
across my chest
like a scarlet letter
and embrace the woman
i am now becoming