What does it take
     to have an honest will to
                                           stop?
     to stop regressing
                   in your patterns
                      and create the
          place you want to be

I gave up my everything
to be "free"
   and I found I was only lost
A bobbing head in the
     dark sea

But I can no longer wait for
      someone to rescue me
        I can no longer deny
                             myself freedom
                             that I need
Where is the passion
                   the automatic desire
to take my hands
from off my own throat
and stop choking
myself?

Why do I enjoy that
           so much?

I am nothing but a country in a civil war,
I cannot trust the things I say,
For I support what each side stands for,
but also what they fight as well.
I cannot trust the things I do
While I am living in my battle's hell.

I didn't stop to think.
No, really think it over.
Ask myself: Is this really what I want?
I was going for a quick fix
I thought it would make this feeling go away.
I actually thought it would work.
And the idea made me so,
expectant, I guess.
I just jumped for it.
Now my situation lies
untouched, the same,
with a side of complication.

I was in a hole
And I couldn't climb out
without possibly falling.
So I kept digging
thinking I could make it
to the other side of the world.
What a fool I was.

I shall try climbing.


Even if I could fall.

For years you question
Everything
Wonder if
Anything
Was even true at all
Intentions are unclear
And so is truth.
Truth cannot be realized
Until much later.
Must longer
Must larger
An answer than you expected
Surprise is written on every answer
Hesitation on every question
On long ago thoughts.
But with every answer
A door closes.
Sometimes slams
Sometimes locks.
But it feels as if your mind is freed
And this freedom feels so stable
From questions
No longer bouncing around in your head
They are gone.
And there is peace
Once more.
There is closure
At last.

You've been holding onto rocks
to keep yourself
from being swept away
your whole life.
None of them
were strong enough
Until one day

You thought you found
        the one

It was big
and it was sturdy
and you clung to it
But it never
clung back.

Now you've been
clinging to this rock
for a very long time
and the scenery has grown old
You've seen all
the seasons
So
many
times.
But you are not drowning
for the most part
And will take this peace
over the treacherous currant
and all its dangers

any day.

Lately you've noticed

this rock does not seem
big enough
anymore.
Have the rough waters
worn it down
without you noticing
or
have you
impossibly
grown bigger?

You cling tighter.
The rock

does not cling back.

A particularly rough storm approaches
the water is
stinging
and bites.

Suddenly

Your rock has crumbled
out
from underneath you.
You cannot
grasp all the bits and pieces
and put them back
together again.

This throws you down
the crazy stream
You bash into boulders.
They leave
Deep cuts
and
Dark bruises

You somehow make it through
rapids
But try to grasp at small stones
Hope one
could be a steady friend

But nothing sticks.

You hold the small remnants
of your lost steadiness
so tight
your skin is bleeding
Even cling to grass and twigs
won't hold
you cannot control
your pathway
anymore.

You fear
a waterfall.

Most nights I still dream about you
About a face that I know
better than my own
Or used to.
I remember how you said you rarely dreamed
And I hope that's still true,
That you are granted the small mercy
of not seeing me
when you sleep.
Of not waking haunted
by your dreams.

everywhere
from all around I see
spiderwebs
entangling me
corners that I've neglected
to dust
come back
hauntingly
how do I break free?
take the sand
from my throat
and let these words bleed,
let my star shine
and my colors come out
LET ME SHOUT
let me tell all my tales
break past these walls
and I shall avail
LET ME FREE
to speak as I speak
to know how I think
and be proud
that I can speak-
though not aloud,
and be fine
that no one hears me.

i crave
         everything you give me
          the sweet perfection
             inside the chaos
             you give me thrills
                An emotional high
      always want you near by
         or sleeping in my bed
            that weekend
            is the way I want to live
      while i am dreaming of those days
         you excite me with
                                           your hunger
                                           your lust
                                           your love
    I've never met a more
         incredible person
                      than you

                                     So I try to be
                                       GRATEFUL
                          in the empty moments
                                that
                                   I can still see
                                        your face
        feel the warmth
              of your flame
     sit still until
         our heartbeats
             are exactly the same

   My darling       you are
              inside my head
               where you live
       Every second
                     I think of you

I wonder sometimes though
      when will you
       want me to cage
            the bird that
                             sings
         'you are my
                     everything everything
                                  everything'

So that you may truly
                       call it yours?
     Or
          can  you learn to let me
             use my wings

                    and love me still?

My heart is filled with
   black clouds
                and thunderstorms
that won't blow through.
Is it not raining
        inside of you?

Am I the only one without sun?

He's transfixed by the well-spoken lyrics
of a metaphorical girl
but too tired,
too disconnected
for the feelings
of the girl in the real world right next to him.
Maybe she could text it to him
get his attention for more
than 30 seconds,
Be more like one of those videos
he swipes through
So much
that his finger
twitches to a beat.
But he's beat,
tired,
doesn't have time.

She's no long a mystery he can solve.
He put all the puzzle pieces together
but the image doesn't change.
He's not interested in things
that remain the same
Only new ideas every few seconds,
only stories he can get through in one night.
Anything else
requires too much focus,
too much commitment.

So she swallows and accepts
the few moments in time.
Tries to sum it all up in a thesis statement
Instead of rambling it up in rhyme.
But it feels so ******* insufficient
Every
single
time.

Wish from the very start
That nothing happened
You opened up possibilities
And then just closed the door again
It wouldn't have bothered me
If you hadn't struck my attention
But now jealousy
Is my new worst friend
I can see the way you flirt
Don't tell me that's just how it is
But I can't overfeel this
Since we're just
Friends with benefits

Am I looking too hard
When I shouldn't be looking in the first place?
Am I digging around for clues
In a pocket that's not mine?

How do I stop this insane racket in my head
How do I control my emotions
When we're just friends with benefits?

Once again an ant crawls in
A crack
In my solid stone foundation.

Which is suddenly reduced to rubble.

For the first time in my life
Your kiss is blank.
An empty tape with no recording
Your touch is a vast field
With nothing but cheat grass.

No flowers,
No flutters,
No feelings like there used to.
For once
I am alone.

It's incredibly bizarre
to feel your
strongest
and
weakest
at the exact same time.

Nights are set to
destroy me
covering me
in cuts, bruises,
and words
the world is
crumbling around me

I have nothing left to give
you
I have given
   everything
And you have given me
nothing in return.

Started so explosive,
two planets colliding.
Now just bits and fragments
that orbit each other.
Music you once sent me:
now radio silence.
Bodies once explored:
now pecks of kisses.

How many more ways
can you say you're not interested?
How many more days
until I start listening?

There's no bad time's a comin
There's no darkness to dread
For the darkness has set upon you, my child
And it will never end.
The pain will never end.

We gather here today
To mourn the death of a dear loved one
And although there is no body
Or no casket
We say goodbye
To who he used to be.
Hold on to your memories in your hearts, dear folks
For he might not be coming back
For he might
Be lost forever.

His laugh, his smile, his playful demeanor
We'll surely miss
What a good friendship we had
Days we shared.

And although I cannot say
He is in a better place
I just know
This is what he wanted.

Someday I'll show you,
I'll prove I'm not just some useless ******
who needs to borrow your car, mom.
Someday you'll see
I'm not just a  brainless pothead gettin
      ****** in the backyard
I'll take these working arms
And buy my own **** car
And some drugs on the side
Smoke *** in my own ride
Trip out in my own backyard
       Just wait and see
           I'll go far

I know you're confused and I know
       you don't see
But I figured out which lock goes to
        which key.
I know you're worried
    But, baby, there's no danger
I figured out the universe,
   So life is now a treasure

I want you to stop worrying
that I'm smoking cigarettes
I think those things are nasty
If you don't know that yet

Just stop worrying, stop spazzing
I promise I'll keep the noise down
And soon I'll find my own place
That I can be loud in
Don't you worry my dear,
My mind is clear, my thoughts
    are holy
This smoke helps my depression,
Helps spark my inspiration
So don't worry, ma'am  
I'll stop livin' in your basement
And I promise I'll share my riches
When I stop trippin', starin' at the wall
Cause that's all I'm doin'
There ain't no harm at all

Everything is just as it should be
I'm happy
I'm finally free,
Only light around me
So don't worry mom,
and I'm sorry I keep you up
So late at night

You were trying
To make Christmas a good thing for me again
After hating it for so long
Despising all its stupid songs
You said that you could change that

You told me December is the month of love
And I understood
As I watched the flakes fall around you
Sticking to your long lashes and hair
I understood.

We got to the root that I enjoyed Christmas songs about love.
You said that's what most were about
After all
December
Is the month of love

You told me how not to get cold
Though I'd been told how
So many times before
But I actually took the advice
And started enjoying the snow
Enjoying each path of each flake
As they fell around you


I threw away the ornaments we made for you
(One actually shattered
When I tapped them together>
I threw away our picture frames
(Surprisingly in one piece>
Too bad they were a waste of money.
I don't know what to do with the
Clay figurine I made you
Guess I'll have to give it away.
How I hate to see hard work to waste.
And I guess I don't have to worry
About buying you those numerous presents
For everyday
Of the "love" holiday
That you love so much.
Don't have to worry about making the cd
Or baking the cookies
And that card
"You put the merry
In my Christmas"
(Because you were really getting there)
Will have to eventually find its way to the trash as well

You had me going for a while there
Caught up in the "month of love"
December is none but a month of death
And you have proved this to be true
And Christmas is even more unbearable because of you
Every single song of "love"-
"Wouldn't want to spend it with any other girl"
Just makes me break down
And the snow,
Well the snow,
Just makes me think of lying down,
And freezing to death.

I must choose
Between my father's happiness
                     and mine.
Knowing all is in good cause
But lifting a finger to say
Just cause I've been raised
By this man,
In this house,
On this bridge,
For connections of heart,
I have to
Am expected to
Make the same decision?

They make sponges of young
Take advantage
And force them to believe
Make them go to church
Of the same religion
that befalls
of their parents.
etc.

But I am a free heart
destined to make my
own choice
My mother saved me
from this prison,
This brainwashing
So I will defend my right.
I see the looks of
dissapointment.
But in my mother's eyes
there is triumph.

Then I fall back to:

"You are my last chance
of not being a failure
as a father."

Your voice is ringing in my ears
Your face embedded in my eyes
I dream about you constantly
Can't sleep without you on my mind
It would not be right for me to touch
To kiss your lips or hold your hand
But your touch gives me electric shocks
And stay away, I know I can't
But impossible this fiddler's game
I cannot trust my heart
I know you'll go see her today
Oh, desire's painful art
My love is not my enemy
But not a closer friend than you
His heart loves me so sweetly
But my heart has not been true
So boy please do move on to her
She's such a better choice
And if I cry, ignore my tears
Or the dire plead in my voice
I love you but I can't have you
I'm chained to my commitments
So friends we'll be but lovers not
-

You made those nights
Ones of perfection
But now the devil's knocking at my door
And I'm afraid I have to let him in

He makes this place so miserable
When he hangs around
I wish you were back with here with me
So you would kick him out

Get rid of all this sadness
I carry on my back
Save me from when
The panic attacks.

I can't breathe with you gone
I can't smile, can't live
I am all alone
And I need you

Chase this devil out of my life
He brings nothing but misery.

I am strong
Without you.
May I be strong
With you?
Can I continue to be
The person I am
When I am alone
While I'm holding your hand?
Things change
But I refuse to change with them
Old times fade
But my life won't fade with them
My strength won't fade.
You are here
Because I allow you to be here
No more
And certainly no less
I have risen to the challenge
And the occasion
Has failed to make a fool
Out of me.
I look into your eyes
And there is no longer a mystery
I hold you in my arms
And there is no longer that feeling
That feeling I once had
Of an overwhelming love
There is only touch.
And arms.
There is only you and me
There is no longer forever.

Go on your adventures
Climb mountains
Swim rivers
Stroll along paths
we used to walk together
Howl at the moon
soak in its shine.

Traverse back down the mountain
To the tepid swamp
we call home.

Come back to my shackled sadness
I'll drown you in it.

You give me feelings I have never felt before
So complex no word describes them.
Only parts I can tell
Are if they're positive or negative
And my chest can hardly contain them.
Confusing, perplexing, amazing
As these feelings are
I am lost
At how to handle
They are something never seen before
Never dealt with before
I cannot relish in them
For they are almost an ache
Of something that needs to be fixed
But almost a relief
In something that is not broken

Some days
In dealing with you
I feel like I am another person
Dealing with myself
But then I cannot help
To feel other than that you are on a higher level than me

But

You ask me of times
Of measurements
I have yet to tell you
That I cannot answer these questions
For my mind has abandoned time
When it abandoned me
I cannot even grasp its concept anymore
Or give you an estimate

Because I guess I do live in the present, the now
And part of me feels ashamed for being so
Because I know you will belittle it
But part of me knows

You're wrong.

I want to drink myself
Into a stupor
I want to pinch the nerve
Until it no longer feels

How do I wind myself
Until I am stuck?
How did I crash land
Ont he same stranded island?

Lying ,
And loving,
Choosing
Has never been my best choice

I can't breathe
My eyes are blacked out
Swimming in this murky water

Somehow I can't drown
Yet
I think that is my only way out.

Your ghost
In everyone's words
In stories
In the drugs you commit to
In your songs
In our songs
Your pain
In your eyes
In people's eyes
In your walls
In your words

It's a slippery slide
Everyday
Any mention of you
And I'm on my way
Down
Down
Down
Any mention of you
And I can see in his eyes,
On his way
Down
Down
Down

Usually so impulsive
I hesitate
Won't follow my throat
to those words
to that place

I am very fond of you
I know
Because I am so jealous
of the things
that I don't

But those little words
imply so much
Take us much farther
than the world of  touch

And if I were to follow
That path where it leads
I would lose my footing
fall down on my knees
lost all over again
on a road
I don't know

More and less complicated
Every single day
in every sing way
          in every instance
               every frame of mind
Seeing life more as a game
                 complicated
                                       yet
                                         simple

I would want
nothing more
than to be
           the wind
Free to go
                   do
                      say
            as I please
      no consequences
      no disease

Being born an
'American'
means I want
to live the
'American Dream'?
       I don't
think so mister
      this is
hardly the land
     of the 'free'

selfish fools

I can make it on my own
I am ok
When I am awake.
But there is sadness in my dreams
That cannot be described

Making my way back to your room
Reading your notebooks.
Missing you.
"No."
With that simple statement
Turned his gaze on mine,
Challenging.
He pointed the gun to my face

And shot 3 times.

When did you become
Blank words upon a screen?
When have your three words
Meant less than everything?

I'm lost without you here
Cold and dark and lonely
Untouched,
Ignored by those around me

Where is my knight in shining armor
While I'm wasting away
I am stuck inside this dungeon
Blood on my feet,
Dirt on my face.

They eye me.
Those with their ***** fingernails and chipped teeth.
But even in this hell
I still can fight.

For there is a light
Far up above
That says maybe,
Maybe you'll come back to me.

I want to move forward
so badly
but all this time
a spire
has stood in our way.
I love you as hard
as I could imagine
loving anyone
but still
it's not enough.

I am not allowed to live with you
because they would disagree.
And
we cannot
get married
because you are not free.

You say that you're sorry
and I surely believe you
but
it doesn't change things.

I still sleep
                      alone.
And we lie
                      perfectly.

I don't want to live this way.

I cannot keep doing this.

I need to
escape
escape
escape
escape

I wish there were more evidence than this.
Of the pain so many years way.
Of your tyranny.
So that as the memories fade to grey
As the words don't seem to say what they used to say
The pain could feel like yesterday.
Not just repressed like someone else's distant past.

I wish there were more evidence
Than just the love that I don't have
Than just a hate for my dad
So maybe someone could understand
Maybe he could understand
Why I am so hesitant
Why I cannot turn that way.

Maybe if I had more evidence
He would understand my pain
And fear.

I'm not your manic pixie dream girl
I'm not the one the rules don't apply to
I'm not the one you can listen to chew
Without needing to leave the room

I'm not your blonde *** goddess
I'm not the one you can't get enough of
I'm not the one you want to put your tongue on
Everytime I get out of the shower

I'm not the one you fell in love with
I'm not the easygoing rebel
I'm not the one with it all together
That you can turn to

I want to be her
More than I want to be myself
I want your undivided attention
More than I want anything else

But I have to decide
If the reality is worth living in
If I can give up all my fantasies
And expectations
Again.

Why do I expect you to do what you say?
Why do I expect at all?
Because I think to turn off expectations
Would be to turn off all care for anything
So when you forget
Or blow off
Or make other plans
I still get hurt
Over and over and over
Go to your party
Go do your ****
I'll be at home
Bawling my eyes out.

I cannot look into your face for much longer
Than two seconds
I want to gaze into your soothing eyes
And have you catch me
I'm falling
Falling
Falling
The only thing that brings me up
Is finding myself back up high
Forgetting, repressing,
I want you to hold me
And never let me fall
Don't let me fall anymore
I don't want to fall anymore
Please look and me and understand
I'm lost without you

Only his good grace and care for others
To erase my name
Prove his love to the human race
And rid of me

Would only be doing the world much better
If I were dead and gone
There is no room for my problems here
No room for my thoughts

But then again to be my fate
To be like this
To feel all of the pain
I have gained,
I deserve.

Maybe death a too good fate for me
And I will live a life of suffer
But why not put everyone at ease
And just stick me six feet under?

The urge is more
     overwhelming
                       every day
I cannot make it
               go away.
I wake up with tears
           in my eyes
and go to bed
              just the same.


I know I am fighting
          a battle

that I will eventually
           lose.

I have the one thing everyone's pining for
Everyone's wishing for
Everything everybody is chasing after
What half the world's songs are about
His name is love.
Truly, deeply, sincerely
However you want to describe how he comes
There are no words
For when he does.
Not even perfection
Because perfect he is not
He is not a fairy tale ending
He is not a complex love poem
He is love.
His is dumb
He is clumsy
He is angry as the wind
You cannot catch him
For he is a trickster
Sometimes you may not see him
When he's been there all along.
He is not kind
He is not merciless
He will not wait for you
No, not one minute.
He will sweep you when he wills
And he will sweep you off your feet.

Never want to see you hurt
Never want to see you die
The pain is inevitable

Pain is stifled
Pain is smothered
This world will never be what you want
This life will never fill what you need.

Forgive
Forget
Live on
Regret

I am a coward.
I will never know what I want
I will never know hot to feel
How to follow my heart

I do my best to forget.
But I cannot forget you
And I cannot forget
What a fool
I am.

I'm falling in love with my dark
                                                       side
                 Giving it treats,
                                Letting it run free
                           I'm ignoring all the
                                rules
And so far it's helped me
               see
  unblinded me
taken me places I'd
    never thought I'd be

The only way I've found
  To get me closer there
Is to do what they've
     told me
           NO
                       don't do that
I break my rules
        that seem worn out
  And shake hands
      with the person in the
                        mirror
Who has always seemed
                    familiar
   but foreign

How much fruit do you want in your basket?
Take a gamble little girl
If you put them all in
They'll all be spilled over
If you put none in the basket
Your heart will suffer

So how much you want to gamble, sweetie?
How much you want to bet you'll lose
Put your money in babe, we're all high rollin
Time to put on your dancin shoes

Jump into my veins
Like a bolt of lightening
Been down this path before
So it's kind of frightening
Trying
to step carefully
Not to fall flat
on my back
Sneak quietly through this place
Without reeking havoc
Though I know the
deeper I go down
The darker it will get
But I don't fret
I see this as a game
You will not just
come be with me
Then I shall keep myself
entertained
However that may be
      Sneaking through the forest
      with the wolves right
             in front of me

I'm dead meat
And I can't stop giggling

Who shall win the game?

I wish I could be heading somewhere
Instead of peddling in place.
I wish I could get something back
Instead of what I'm giving go to waste.
How do I escape,
fly high above the birds and trees?
How is it I keep walking on
Instead of falling to my knees?
Set me free!
I don't know who I'm supposed to be.
But apparently if I'm not the right one
I'm not good enough for you to invite me.

I'm tired of all these people,
Of not being enough.
Of giving everything I can
And getting dust.
Getting to sit in the endless hours
While everyone has fun.
Apparently I'm not enough.
           Now just look at what I've done.

Often,
most of me is dark
and parts of me don't show.
But where your light
    is shed upon me:
                      I glow.

Though we may never touch
And the distance
sometimes grows
I know your light will shine
And the darkness will erode.

You are the sun, my steady constant.
And I, the moon that cycles round.
All these times of darkness
Are so worth the warmth I've found.

Although most the time
I'm dark and cold
That glimmer of light's
what's worth the show.

For where your light
    is shed upon me:
                        *I glow.

Somehow I feel like
I could have said something
If I had the chance to talk
Somehow I could have helped your brain
You came to me
With what looked like a plea
Said that you liked me
But I was scared of your identity
I fell in love with you
A little bit that day
That you told me it
was the first time
You'd ever kissed in the rain
Those were the days that you helped take
the pain away
Before you jumped onto that train
And it took away your sanity.

How could you leave like that?
Suddenly you're gone
Suddenly there's darkness
Where the moon once shone

My heart can't find it's beat
And my legs can't find my feet
My stomach's turning in circles,
I've forgotten how to eat.

Where's the chord at, Matt?
Did you finally find the free?
Did you finally find the dose
that would cure your insanity?
You used to look at me
With the most childlike of smiles
It drove my heart wild
But now the thought burns inside
Your song
Those words
That will be the last time I ever heard
Your voice.
Your choice.
And I lock myself inside my head
Grab the pen
Work out all this
Frustration.

Like I'm offered gold
But my feet are embedded in silver
I want to move forward
But I can't move my feet
Want to tell you what's on my mind
Can't bring myself to speech
Drowning, tethered.
Not sure how I feel about either.
Tangled up in webs
And left out to soak,
let for dead.
How do I stifle
these feelings of mine
I look in your eyes
and my conscience goes blind
How do I refrain from saying all that I want to say?
When I know how you feel
And I know how I feel
How am I supposed to turn away?

They say you should fix it.

It will be hard.

And I am waiting on just that.
But you cannot simply
say the word hard
Like it's just made of four letters,
Like it isn't your whole life
including
all the points in between
the helping.

I gave into suggestion
and I tried antidepressants
that ******* made me crazier
than I already am.
But when I find something
that helps me
I must take secret doses
because
it's not a prescription given
by someone
who doesn't know me.

Don't scold me
I'm doing all I can
to hold on.

I hate everything today
It makes me sick
I hate the things I've done,
The life I lived
The people I've abandoned
And those who've
abandoned me
I hate failing everytime I
               get so close
Something always happens
That keeps me locked at home
I hate that you never came
Never even bothered to
Show your face
I hate being left behind
No choice but quiet rage
  raging pain
I want to make it go away
But it consumes me
  And I
   hate.

All that I succeed at
Is making people turn
       their backs
I'm more than flawed, I know
I've got my share of evil pasts
But all I'm doing
     is stumbling through life
I can't see straight
And I hate
  all this strife.

Today you choose to haunt me
Or shall I say who you used to be
What we used to have
Your energy
Your smile
Got lost somewhere
I miss who you used to be
As if you were dead
A shining star that lost its light
A beating heart that doesn't love me anymore.
It used to be so precious to me
No matter what anyone said
No matter how badly I was treated
You were precious to me
Who you were is precious to me.

But in these days where we do not speak
Where you haunt my dreams
I cannot tell you
How much I wish I were in he past
When your voice still had that light to it
When your eyes were excited
And you were still happy about life

When you had your punk music and your rebellion
When you hated everyone
But me.

But now I will be the only one you hate.

Some days I'm ok with that.
But today it haunts me.