Never want to see you hurt
Never want to see you die
The pain is inevitable

Pain is stifled
Pain is smothered
This world will never be what you want
This life will never fill what you need.

Forgive
Forget
Live on
Regret

I am a coward.
I will never know what I want
I will never know hot to feel
How to follow my heart

I do my best to forget.
But I cannot forget you
And I cannot forget
What a fool
I am.

What does it take
     to have an honest will to
                                           stop?
     to stop regressing
                   in your patterns
                      and create the
          place you want to be

I gave up my everything
to be "free"
   and I found I was only lost
A bobbing head in the
     dark sea

But I can no longer wait for
      someone to rescue me
        I can no longer deny
                             myself freedom
                             that I need
Where is the passion
                   the automatic desire
to take my hands
from off my own throat
and stop choking
myself?

Why do I enjoy that
           so much?

are the strings
i thought
were holding me up
actually
tying me down?

everywhere
from all around I see
spiderwebs
entangling me
corners that I've neglected
to dust
come back
hauntingly
how do I break free?
take the sand
from my throat
and let these words bleed,
let my star shine
and my colors come out
LET ME SHOUT
let me tell all my tales
break past these walls
and I shall avail
LET ME FREE
to speak as I speak
to know how I think
and be proud
that I can speak-
though not aloud,
and be fine
that no one hears me.

Itch
Itch
Itch
Have you ever had an
itch you can't scratch
because someone told you
it was too far
on your back
arms
can't reach
that far

they tell you
but what if they had not
what if they
had not told me
that it was
not okay
to do a certain thing

but when i don't listen
and i scratch
myself
i can
scratch
and
scratch
that
itch
itch itch

until i
set my wings
free
and
the itch
shall cease

there shall
be peace
when
all my feelings
can be freed.

Most of you is truthful
But part of you is not
When you tell me something
I'm not sure which I've got
You've told me of your past
Almost your whole life story
But if you mix lies and truth
How do I know which you've told me?
I'd rather not ask
I'd rather forget
I'd rather start with a clean slate
I'm not a lie-detector test

"Hello my name is Pink."
"Is yours a lie?"

Often,
most of me is dark
and parts of me don't show.
But where your light
    is shed upon me:
                      I glow.

Though we may never touch
And the distance
sometimes grows
I know your light will shine
And the darkness will erode.

You are the sun, my steady constant.
And I, the moon that cycles round.
All these times of darkness
Are so worth the warmth I've found.

Although most the time
I'm dark and cold
That glimmer of light's
what's worth the show.

For where your light
    is shed upon me:
                        *I glow.

You were trying
To make Christmas a good thing for me again
After hating it for so long
Despising all its stupid songs
You said that you could change that

You told me December is the month of love
And I understood
As I watched the flakes fall around you
Sticking to your long lashes and hair
I understood.

We got to the root that I enjoyed Christmas songs about love.
You said that's what most were about
After all
December
Is the month of love

You told me how not to get cold
Though I'd been told how
So many times before
But I actually took the advice
And started enjoying the snow
Enjoying each path of each flake
As they fell around you


I threw away the ornaments we made for you
(One actually shattered
When I tapped them together>
I threw away our picture frames
(Surprisingly in one piece>
Too bad they were a waste of money.
I don't know what to do with the
Clay figurine I made you
Guess I'll have to give it away.
How I hate to see hard work to waste.
And I guess I don't have to worry
About buying you those numerous presents
For everyday
Of the "love" holiday
That you love so much.
Don't have to worry about making the cd
Or baking the cookies
And that card
"You put the merry
In my Christmas"
(Because you were really getting there)
Will have to eventually find its way to the trash as well

You had me going for a while there
Caught up in the "month of love"
December is none but a month of death
And you have proved this to be true
And Christmas is even more unbearable because of you
Every single song of "love"-
"Wouldn't want to spend it with any other girl"
Just makes me break down
And the snow,
Well the snow,
Just makes me think of lying down,
And freezing to death.

Can you deal with the fake happiness,
Every day a lie?
Pretending this is all you want,
Get by with every high?
Don't expect anything
And if you must, expect the least.
You got so used to being treated so well
Compared to that, this is hell.
Going from someone who wanted all his time with you
To someone who seems like he's got better things to do
Is depressing.
You always expect
So much
But is asking to get back in return what you give
Too much?
Are your expectations
Never to be fulfilled?

You thought it might make you a happier person
But only for a while
Having to sign up for a time slot,
Having no room to smile

Life will never be what you want.
Get over it.

I am nothing more
than a ring you want to wear
A burden
        you must bear
               Those painful memories

I am nothing more
than a tail you want to chase
the warmth
        of an embrace
                Your lustful enemy

I am nothing more
than a name you want to shout
The wanderer
          to your devout
                Your hidden self

I am nothing more
than a book you don't want to read
a stranger
          you don't see
                 Your dusty shelf

But you are everything to me
   And I can't see
      how you can
            ignore your heart
   I don't understand
      why you find it so necessary
  that we spend so many
              hours apart

Is it your fault or mine?
I don't know.
You find yourself annoyed
and bitter at me
more than usual.
I find myself defending
then fighting back
more times than I can count.

You're a cheerful
happy
joyful
person.
But I've seen your razor edge
all the ice you can throw
at someone with your words.
I know your cruel side
Under your charisma
is a dark shadow.
Full of criticism and judgment.

Once I do something wrong,
step an inch over the line,
you're there later
to throw it in my face
use it for your guilt-tripping
I cannot have one word
of defense.

He's pushy
jerky
and pretends to have respect
If you ask me
you guys are perfect for each other.
You have so much in common.

And then I catch myself
with a ***** tongue
speaking slander of you,
my friend.

How can I do this?


Who did we become?

You give me feelings I have never felt before
So complex no word describes them.
Only parts I can tell
Are if they're positive or negative
And my chest can hardly contain them.
Confusing, perplexing, amazing
As these feelings are
I am lost
At how to handle
They are something never seen before
Never dealt with before
I cannot relish in them
For they are almost an ache
Of something that needs to be fixed
But almost a relief
In something that is not broken

Some days
In dealing with you
I feel like I am another person
Dealing with myself
But then I cannot help
To feel other than that you are on a higher level than me

But

You ask me of times
Of measurements
I have yet to tell you
That I cannot answer these questions
For my mind has abandoned time
When it abandoned me
I cannot even grasp its concept anymore
Or give you an estimate

Because I guess I do live in the present, the now
And part of me feels ashamed for being so
Because I know you will belittle it
But part of me knows

You're wrong.

It's been a while
from when the bright sun first
rose into my heart
Replacing my thirst

But night soon creeps
And loneliness does wrap
It's hands round my neck
and sinks claws in my lap

My need for blood comes
As waterfalls fly
Deep down in my pillow
My concience it cries

I silence them all
Monsters neath my bed
Monsters in the corner
Monsters in my head

Once again an ant crawls in
A crack
In my solid stone foundation.

Which is suddenly reduced to rubble.

For the first time in my life
Your kiss is blank.
An empty tape with no recording
Your touch is a vast field
With nothing but cheat grass.

No flowers,
No flutters,
No feelings like there used to.
For once
I am alone.

Congratulations, you've succeeded
In creating a monster
In your mirror image.
Anything you do is
Much bigger than you've done before
To deserve not being talked to.
A reason won't even be provided
As to why you seem to be hated
I don't want to try anymore
Don't want to give a ****
Who needs friends?
"Not I." said the cat...
"Not I." said the dog...
Here you've wound yourself up to this spot
Hated by your most beloved
Doesn't seem worth the trouble,
Worth the work,
Worth the wait.
You were never that far on the inside
Who needs you anyway?
"Not I." said the cat...
"Not I." said the dog...

Sometimes it feels like
we're just making excuses
to not see each other.
Is that what's happening
or
am I just overthinking things?
Are we getting closer
or further apart?

Do I
still truly
have your heart?

You've become something
that I don't remember anymore
Come back,
you're far too distant
sway with me
you're offbeat
Why can't you just lose yourself
you're too controlled
be here with me
be one with me
you're far past distracted

What is this even worth to you?
You're scanning down your list
but where am I?
Where do I fit in between these lines?

I'm caught
in the web of an offset spider.
Not caring enough
to eat my heart
and make it his.

Make it yours.
Take it
if you wish.

I don't want to be
your midnight lover
And not your daytime friend
I want you to take me places
Not just lay in my bed
I want you to know
the depth of me
But I'm too scared
of your judgment

Who are you?
What am I?
Who have we become?
Our hearts
May have different beats
But they're still on
The same drum
You may still show
   your face sometimes
But I'm still out
       of luck
So hard to keep
   you by my side
If you're going to
  stay so stuck

I'm running a muck
The baddest part
            of me
Always let be
To roam around
          free
As long as it's
not in my mind
  torturing me

You could set me
                      free
Let both our
    caged hearts fly
But first you must
  make
your biggest escape
And stop the lies

Hard, isn't it?

These tiny moments with you, I cherish
Until I can have my whole piece of the pie.
I will move my foot forward
No matter what led casing it is in
Some things will break
Some things will bend
But everything will be alright

I'll take your advice and words to heart
But not to soul
For that is where only I may lie
For my soul must be free
Of any but me
My soul must be free

Maybe one day you'll be good, girl.
Maybe one day you'll have worth.
Your tortured mind will be better than just for torturing everyone else and isolating yourself.
Maybe one day someone will admire you.
Maybe one day your words will have worth.
They'll hear what you say, what you feel, what you know, what you live.

Maybe
Just maybe
You'll be a worthy friend.
A worthy daughter.
A worthy lover.

Maybe some day you'll have worth.

I've started the death race
My foot on the pedal, not the brake
(Which any sane person would)
But I took a leap
(More like step forward)
And fell upon what I've been fighting against
All this time
3 days
13 months
When you fall into a hole
do you try to climb to the top
-Scraping your hands and knees on the way falling down a few times and damaging your heart
Or do you dig yourself deeper till you can no longer see the sun?
(Out of desperation with nothing left to do)
-Because you fear the climb, the falls, the difficulty
-Pitting yourself against yourself because you've already come this far?

I must really want to see China

For I am dug, maybe (hopefully) buried.

And I fear I will never feel the warmth of sun again.

At least one heart is going to be broken

I just hope
God I hope
That it's mine.

Honestly, you're the luckiest person I've ever met
You found this girl
Who would do anything for you
So much that
You don't have to do
Anything for her.
And when you can't deal
You can just walk away
And leave her to deal with
Her own problems
You have your highs
You have a good time
Ignore life
But still gain the benefits.
You never have to compromise
Anything for anybody
And you can blame it all on yourself
But not feel the sting
Of being something low.
You don't have to care about anything.
Leave her to deal with it.

Feel it start to rise
Addiction bares its large teeth
And sinks them in me

Out on the dark street
I try hard to outrun it
But it's not easy

Take many calm breaths
I am so close to reaching-
Just a bit farther

Then you say something
Jerkish and insensitive.
I'll write you nothing.

I stand and watch the garbage man
As he grabs them
Something catches my attention
I watch my mother throw away
The lamps my father gave her.
Black metal with glass panels
Taken out.
They move one
And I turn back inside

"I believe in family curses."
She says.
Could this be ours?
As I hold my love, I wonder
Ponder
On how similar our relationship
Is starting to look
To theirs.

"You wanted to lose something you've loved for 99% of your life."
He tells her.
Could this possibly
Be my soul desire as well?
Or am I just caught
In the energy?

"Some kids want to fix their relationship
With their 'bad' parent
That's why they look for them
As partners."
Am I stuck in this hidden mind frame?
What if I oppose it?
People like my father
Cannot be changed.
But then again
Neither can you.

"I am nothing like him."
You command me.
The anger flows out of your eyes.
I no longer tell you this
Because it makes you angry
Just like her
Hiding things from him

So I quietly hold you
And wonder
If someday I will be
Throwing out the lamps
You have given me.

Tonight she sees a different kind of rage.
A color not seen before
More dangerous than she has ever known
For the rage of love
Will turn man to pure madman
No longer seeing through their own eyes, their own heart
Their vision is blood red
And it is a color she has never witnessed.

She holds up her stance against his advances
Putting her foot down where usually the line is way past drawn
For what has gotten into his head?
His actions are not coated with kindness as she used to know
Fury consumes him in a lustful fire
And his skin burns you with its touch
His burns leave more than marks upon your flesh
When you try to stand tall, he brings more
And will not stop until he has had his heart's desire
He is fire
And you are merely tall grass laid out in his path
As you try to ask what coals have fed his heart
He turns to you in unloving disgust and spits at you:
"Those simple things he did for you made your heart melt."
Like he finds it unjust, unfair
For you to have different feelings.
Love and lust and jealousy feed his rage
And the fire grows
And consumes.

Tomorrow
    I will see you
         every second that passes
                                                   is a joy
                An empty space that I
                                   no longer sit in
                                          with fear
    I embrace the empty moments
             for being full of potential
                                 you cannot write words
                      if the paper is full
    if there is no hole in my heart
        there is no room for you
                                       to fill
         you cannot have the
                          amazing capability
                                    that you do
               if there were no wrong
                                  for you to right
           see the darkness
                           not as your enemy
                   but only the opportunity
                                       for light
I hate these agonizing seconds
but my dear

I only know loneliness
so that I may
rejoice when you are here.

I keep trying to rewind
back through the track
connected to my eyes
try to find the sight
of you
trying to re-see
when you were right in
front of me
re-feel your warmth,
your frame,
your scar
try to wind back
I don't know if I've lost it
the way your kiss felt,
the comfort you once brought me

these ghosts that wander
through my house
I can hear their
padded footsteps
I must remember
the way those feet
once felt so good against
my own
the touch that was
an immediate reaction
I must find
all the little pieces of
these things I don't remember
and can't forget

So I can sew them together
And set them free.
And accept that I will never again see
the scarred boy from my memories

Is it supposed to feel like this?
I have no clue.
I have never been this sort of person.
You forced me to.
Do I need to control it?
Do I need to hold back?
Or is this just who I am now?
It feels hard
In an easy sort of way.
Sort of distant.
Sort of cold.
And so...
Full of pain.

One time I ate mushrooms
One looked like a ****
I must have had too many
Cause seeing patterns
Made me sick
But it was wonderful
At the same time
I was connected to the whole
Soul, Body, Mind
It was pretty rad
Except when I yacked
Now I'm yearning for more
So I can go back.

Caps

What would you do
If a voice was calling you
(One that you knew)
Telling you to stand
And cheer for the trees
...The grass, the bees
and you.
Cheer for yourself
With utmost joy
Cheer for this completeness.

Could you be a lone voice
Causing such noise?

I woke next to you this morning
Your warm skin and scruffy face
           -which I find incredibly ****
And usually just this
Can make me skip
   throughout my day

But not today.
I woke with
       the silent wild fire
  from last night - and several days before -
still quietly burning
still slowly consuming
            my heart.

The night before this one
     you promised
things will change
But how can I wait
with my forest turning into ashes
        tree by tree
        branch by burning branch?

How can I wait for you to stop this fire
by throwing bucketfuls of water at it?

Here it come around the bend again
Hope it doesn't lead to just another dead end
Something's stuck inside my mind and it needs to come out
Something buzzing in my brain an I gotta get it out

Who knows
When the pen hits the pad
What it will lead
Maybe how I'll wind up alone again
Or
that there's something there that I can see
Much more than you're letting me see

Something's buzzing
And I gotta spill the beans
Cause until I let it out
I'm ripping at the seams
Brain aching like a broken heart
So I gotta let it out

Brain buzzin like mosquitoes inside
Need my only vice to what ills me
Need to let it out before it kills me
Before it tears me apart
Oh my aching heart
Before it tears me apart

She doesn't know what to do.
The world has forced her on her knees
In front of you.
Leaving her with the pain of asking please.

What will you say?
What will you do?

She doesn't want to do it.
But she has no choice
besides reaching out her empty palms
full of shame.
Begging.

What will you say?
What will you do?

She doesn't want to ask
For things that should be offered.

just like everyone else
sometimes the dark rock
seems too hard to handle
but i don't think
my shoes are much cleaner
or even dirtier
than yours
your shoes might be
a bit bigger
or smaller
or have more holes

but in the end
our soles
are usually worn
in the shape of a foot
walking through
glass and flowers
everyday

As a child
I held a smile on my face
I knew nothing about
the dangers I'd face
by just being alive,
trying to survive
have to bust my ***
to work nine to five
so that when I came
home
I could be all alone
And take a hit of
what they told me was
bad for me
But they lied
So I learned I was
overshadowed by
a system
That could make people
believe them
And what a powerful tool
that is

On the day they came to
take my brother away
For an incident 1 year prior
They told us they constructed
the whole **** thing
And as a prison bird my
brother now would sing
Mom paid the bail
With special money saved away
Which was more than
1 month of pay
And they put him in jail
      for 3 months
      5 years parole
And I learned that this system
Could also make you caged
they'd set you up
and send you away

So in my adolescence
I lost all hope for
the world
And the place they told
me was free
my rage and sadness
         uncurled
like a blossoming
          flower
It stung like a thorn
but it showed me
it's power

Change can be possible
Just use the right tools
Be cool, secretly
break all their rules
And maybe one day
I can do what I please
Without them making
and "example" out of me.

It hurts
When you don't talk
It hurts
When you don't touch
It hurts
When you're first on my list
But I'm only seventh or such
It hurts
When you don't care
Or even seem to like it
When I'm not there
It hurts
when you give your day away

She says there is always someone
Who loves the most and someone
Who loves the least
And
I believe her

Cause it hurts
When I come second
Or
You don't bother
To think about me
It hurts
That I love the most
And it hurts
That you love the least

To You,
I feel betrayed
I was patient and I waited
And you're still not here
Will you ever be?
You gave me excitement
I wanted to see you
  But all you have given me since
Is silence
No apology
for not arriving on time
No mention
Of when you may actually arrive

It makes me feel
unimportant

It always did.

I feel paranoid
Like you're watching
every move
I can't
hear the door creak
or the air shift
without my heart going off
like the shot has been fired
and the race has started

the need has only been intensified
And it chokes me.

The shrill reaches my ears
And I'm in tears
        Solid stone shaken by
a gust of wind
        Solid bone shattered by
a whispered secret

My pendulum swaying
             balance broken
How can you walk around
    when the walls are shaking?

Steady peace
is what I'm trying to reach
  struggling
     when all my flat feathers
have been ruffled
     when all the outside has
           been muffled
by the silent storm within

by the breaths caught
       short and fast
more choked back
            than the last
try to remain steadfast

try to recover
when all the noise is over
when the pain is really gone
    why does it linger?

Why am I still trying to
            figure out
How to turn the ****
                             thing off
  when the task has been
              accomplished
when the ringing
          has already stopped?

I hate that the words
Don't come anymore.
I despise how desire
Has fled.

I cannot create anything,
No inspiration,
No relief.

Nothing releases me.
And I'm stuck
In the empty nothingness.

He's always there
You see him from the corner of your eye
He's ust livin there
to put you down
So when you come around
he can let your words
hit his invisible
force field,
change to steel,
and pelt in your direction.
You want ot give him
that box of poisonous crackers
he deserves
But that will just earn
you another invisible bruise
on your left arm.
So give him all you got
In your heart, your mind, your soul
but make sure it stays there
To
The sad little guy that lives in the corner.

I have the one thing everyone's pining for
Everyone's wishing for
Everything everybody is chasing after
What half the world's songs are about
His name is love.
Truly, deeply, sincerely
However you want to describe how he comes
There are no words
For when he does.
Not even perfection
Because perfect he is not
He is not a fairy tale ending
He is not a complex love poem
He is love.
His is dumb
He is clumsy
He is angry as the wind
You cannot catch him
For he is a trickster
Sometimes you may not see him
When he's been there all along.
He is not kind
He is not merciless
He will not wait for you
No, not one minute.
He will sweep you when he wills
And he will sweep you off your feet.

I'm a dog
choking at the end
of my leash
A bird
trying to squeeze
through the bars in my cage
and be free
I can't argue
Can't speak
Can't write
For the life of me

The greatest joy and love
And the greatest sorrow
Why can I not have you?
"I want to share my life with you."
Why can't I?
Why does life have to be so cruel?
Why does my one true enemy
Have to be my one true love?
Like some modern day Romeo and Juliet,
Our love cannot last
Our love will end too soon.
I guess I am blessed
To have you for such a short time,
To have you once, at least.
But to be so cruel as to take you way,
Am I ever to escape this fate?
Is there any way this love story
Does not end in tragic tales and tears?
Is there any way this love would work?

Because I love you
And I don't want to live without you.
I want to share my life with you.
But can it be
A life without misery?

Sit and wait for the world to crumble
Lie in waiting for the sky to fall

I hate anticipation
And I hate not knowing
When it will all be gone.

"I think I'm gone next week."
And darkness is cast upon my day
I need you
I love you
Please don't leave me

This might be the last time I get to be close to you
Might be the last time I see your true face
Before they shower you in lies
And take your true face away.

You think you're the only one who has to worry,
you're the only one
who'll have to pay

But I know for a fact
That they'll give you a mask
And you'll change.

I don't wan to have to go through this again
Look into a friend's eyes
and see a stranger
Look into their heart
and not understand its beating.

I want you to stay.

You said you would always be there to catch me
Whenever I fell
Well where are you now
When I'm falling so far?
Where are you now
When I'm falling
without you?
You said to not stress about anything
To let you worry for me
Then why did you unload
All this pain onto me
Where are you while I am worrying?

I don't know if I'm good for you
I don't even know if I'm good for myself
My underwater current
Could cause your mind's hell
I don't know how to control this
river spilling out of me
Above, below, inside of me
Sometimes it's too hard to even breathe
Other times I can ride the river's flower, make it slower
Make my heart beat softer
But it's really hard when
I'm holding my own
head underwater
When the dopamine level dips
So does my mind's trips
to the moon and the stars
And even the sun where
Everything is one
And not even these simple words matter
But when the high's done
My body need some oxygen
Some nourishment
Which is hard when all your money's spent
On the next trip to the canyon
On when you can get high again
Be closer to source
Because I can't control my own force
When my soul still needs me to free a caged bird
or a third
have you heard?
I'm legally insane
or at least I would be
If they knew how to read my brain
this pain
this insatiable thirst
to get what I want
and erase all this hurt
But it's like a bad taste in my mouth
that won't come out
It tastes like cigarettes
Sitting in a bottle of water
That I swallowed even still
So I could take a sleeping pill
Maybe I can just escape
this place for a little while.

My web, my tangled mess of lies
I cannot till the day I die
Make straight these strings
Which I have knotted

Myself, my only closest friend
For my wrong deeds I can't defend
So I must hold the very hand
That chokes me.

For years you question
Everything
Wonder if
Anything
Was even true at all
Intentions are unclear
And so is truth.
Truth cannot be realized
Until much later.
Must longer
Must larger
An answer than you expected
Surprise is written on every answer
Hesitation on every question
On long ago thoughts.
But with every answer
A door closes.
Sometimes slams
Sometimes locks.
But it feels as if your mind is freed
And this freedom feels so stable
From questions
No longer bouncing around in your head
They are gone.
And there is peace
Once more.
There is closure
At last.