Please send him someone wonderful
To love his heart like I could not
Please send him someone beautiful
To ease the pain I left in his heart

I can't stay to pick up the pieces
Because it is not for me to do
So please send him that one someone
Who can love him too

My instability caused him pain
I toyed around with him
I feel so bad for what I've done
But sorry won't fix anything.

Please send him someone gentle, patient, and kind
Someone who can see the love in his eyes
Let her love him like he wants to be loved
Let her be the one who breaks all ties

Send him happiness
Send him joy
Send him true love
Send him all the things I couldn't

Because he deserves it.

I love you, my dear
but you impose so much sorrow
my heart cannot take
the weight
of us both.
Twice the emotions
Twice the concern
Duplication the annoyances
but
Splitting
the happiness
the love
now explain, my dear
how is that fair?
can't you ever help lift my weight
I won't stay
if you cannot bear your own soul
because mine is a dry
barren desert
The only oasis
are in moments of forgetfullness

You did something wonderful today.
After I stripped down...
You followed (birthday) suit!

Feel the weight of the world fall down on you
The pain of the past
Running through your head
But it's good for you
These tears are good for you
They are a reminder of a lesson learned,
A life destroyed.
Our unhappy family
Suffered in silence
Because of one choice,
One decision

"When we were all in heaven, I'm glad you chose to be part of our family."

I would never choose that kind of pain
And I know you were lying
You would rather have your perfect dreams
And you never let us forget that.

And maybe that's something I'm thankful for
Because I can never forget
The mistake you both chose to make.

I would not live with myself
If I voluntarily put my daughter in that danger,
If I were to give her anything but the best life I could give her.

Your voice is ringing in my ears
Your face embedded in my eyes
I dream about you constantly
Can't sleep without you on my mind
It would not be right for me to touch
To kiss your lips or hold your hand
But your touch gives me electric shocks
And stay away, I know I can't
But impossible this fiddler's game
I cannot trust my heart
I know you'll go see her today
Oh, desire's painful art
My love is not my enemy
But not a closer friend than you
His heart loves me so sweetly
But my heart has not been true
So boy please do move on to her
She's such a better choice
And if I cry, ignore my tears
Or the dire plead in my voice
I love you but I can't have you
I'm chained to my commitments
So friends we'll be but lovers not
-

If you need a replacement
I'm yours
If you need a new best friend
I'm yours
If you need a distraction
I'm yours
If you need an escape plan
I'm yours

I'm here when you have nothing better to do
I'm here when your worlds at its worst
If you need a cheap laugh, I'm your buddy.
Or a waste of you money, just call me

I'm your "better things to do" on your Saturday night
Than hang with your girl or your fam
I'm your "I'll be there later" and soon you'll forget
Cause you're lost in your own little land

When you're low on money, I'm splitting
When you're full of it I'm by your side
Which you won't cause your job you are quitting
You can't get up to get there on time

I'm your friend when you leave all your others
To hang out with me and get through
The **** that your life has been turned to
Who am I? Dear friend, I am you.

But
Who am I
If you are no longer
Yourself?

I watch the couple
walking together in the park
it's getting dark
and I wish you were here with me.
We could hold hands
and walk as they do,
me and you

but we are not free.
I wish I could share
the trees and the sun,
the sound of water as it runs,
with someone besides
all these strangers
surrounding me.
With someone I love.

A man asks me
'What are you doing all alone?"
My only answer
is a question,
"What am I doing?"

I sit in quiet mourning
And mourn his broken heart
For now I know he wishes
This will be where we part
I excited him,
Enjoyed him,
Spent wonderful time
But I ran to him
Then ran from him
Left him there behind.

Neither of you
Are the love of my life
But I love you right now

Spreading my heart
Is what feels good to it right now
What feels good to my soul

But your rejection is understandable
I don't deserve your precious heart
I don't deserve.

Today you choose to haunt me
Or shall I say who you used to be
What we used to have
Your energy
Your smile
Got lost somewhere
I miss who you used to be
As if you were dead
A shining star that lost its light
A beating heart that doesn't love me anymore.
It used to be so precious to me
No matter what anyone said
No matter how badly I was treated
You were precious to me
Who you were is precious to me.

But in these days where we do not speak
Where you haunt my dreams
I cannot tell you
How much I wish I were in he past
When your voice still had that light to it
When your eyes were excited
And you were still happy about life

When you had your punk music and your rebellion
When you hated everyone
But me.

But now I will be the only one you hate.

Some days I'm ok with that.
But today it haunts me.

I long for you
but I feel like I shouldn't.
He's been the kindness
That you couldn't
But you touched my soul
In a way
He never has.

You are the air
that I am breathing
Yet you choke me
And I feel as though
I'm suffocating
Trapped in an endless maze
Of need

How sad
That he is not the one
To whom I profess my love
Everynight while I am sleeping
That he is not the one
Who makes my heart stop beating
Just by the simple thought

Now I am stuck
In a prison I have built
With solid bars of fear
And a frozen floor of guilt
I am my own jailor
For I still hold the key
But I do not have the courage
or the surety
To make myself free

And so I sit

My choices have drained me
of my words
my freedom
my self.

I'm falling in love with my dark
                                                       side
                 Giving it treats,
                                Letting it run free
                           I'm ignoring all the
                                rules
And so far it's helped me
               see
  unblinded me
taken me places I'd
    never thought I'd be

The only way I've found
  To get me closer there
Is to do what they've
     told me
           NO
                       don't do that
I break my rules
        that seem worn out
  And shake hands
      with the person in the
                        mirror
Who has always seemed
                    familiar
   but foreign

We gather here today
To mourn the death of a dear loved one
And although there is no body
Or no casket
We say goodbye
To who he used to be.
Hold on to your memories in your hearts, dear folks
For he might not be coming back
For he might
Be lost forever.

His laugh, his smile, his playful demeanor
We'll surely miss
What a good friendship we had
Days we shared.

And although I cannot say
He is in a better place
I just know
This is what he wanted.

And ever since that dark Wednesday
Your kiss is flat and empty
Maybe you'll never be coming back
Maybe you'll never come to save me

I am constantly reminded of you sourly-choiced absense
And I will not forget
The feeling I would get with one kiss

And every night
And every day
I dream about our past
Why can't these demons let me go to sleep?
Why can't you come back to save me?

Brought me up from birth
Showed me all that I'm not worth
Scorned me for my individuality
Told me to act more like a "lady".
You've taught me nothing valuable in life.
Unless...
Crying solves nothing...
I don't know is a kindergarten answer...
And to hide in your closet when you're upset,
Are valuable life lessons.
You could never accept the fact
that I was never baptized.
Is that why you wouldn't look my way?
Is that why I cried to sleep at night?
I spent my whole childhood, growing up,
thinking that I just wasn't good enough.
But now I've realized: that's wrong.
I'm wrong? **** that.
Perfect to your community
Silent within your home.
We never knew if silence
was better than being scorned.
You always blamed her,
blamed her for this perfect life you didn't have.
You always blamed us,
blamed us for taking her hand.
Take a look in the mirror, dad.
You have some imperfections yourself.
You're life is not perfect
Because you made it that way.
Do not expect my pity.

For I am
Far better a person
Than you will ever be.

I'm sorry that you have to go so low
For just that little happy
I'm sorry that I pushed you there
Giving you no other way
For running our underneath you as your balancing post
Tripping you flat on your face
And not helping you out

I can still feel the burn on my face
The feel of your lips
The oddness and the greatness of it all
But I have to come to a decision
And the deadline's heading quickly

I've never been a quitter
So why force me to quit?
Don't give me your 'everything and nothing's
Just tell me like it is.
The universe does disappear
Time does stop
But it comes quickly
Our reluctance will be nothing but a slap back in our faces.
But reality jumps and bites
***** our blood

And at this rate we will soon
Be nothing but cold, empty-bodied, dead versions of ourselves.

Mocking
Those little squares make
Painfully long days
Seem like seconds
That they can fit
Into such a small space
Upon the wall
That such a long day
Filled with so many torturous thoughts can fit
Into a tiny part of the world
It is horrible

And now I play the opposite role
Read from the opposite script
You read the lines that once were mine
And I'll read his.

How did I become this part
The liar, sneaker,
The one who loves less
And you became who I was once
The one who
Accepted second best.

I couldn't stand the way he was,
But loved him still
You cannot help the things you do,
The way you feel

How do I go on this way
Practicing these lines.
I look into these empty eyes
And see him inside

Recite with me these endless lines
Play the timeless role
We play these all too familiar parts
In our own love show.

I hate everything today
It makes me sick
I hate the things I've done,
The life I lived
The people I've abandoned
And those who've
abandoned me
I hate failing everytime I
               get so close
Something always happens
That keeps me locked at home
I hate that you never came
Never even bothered to
Show your face
I hate being left behind
No choice but quiet rage
  raging pain
I want to make it go away
But it consumes me
  And I
   hate.

All that I succeed at
Is making people turn
       their backs
I'm more than flawed, I know
I've got my share of evil pasts
But all I'm doing
     is stumbling through life
I can't see straight
And I hate
  all this strife.

I can make it on my own
I am ok
When I am awake.
But there is sadness in my dreams
That cannot be described

Making my way back to your room
Reading your notebooks.
Missing you.
"No."
With that simple statement
Turned his gaze on mine,
Challenging.
He pointed the gun to my face

And shot 3 times.

I had the world when I had you
I always said I just wanted happiness
But was too blind by my own "faults" to see forever in your eyes
I have no one to blame but myself
So please do not pity me
Ignore my dramatization
I will survive.
I just don't believe it yet.
I will smile someday
But for today
I cannot forgive myself.
I will not die
But I feel as if the world has ended
So
Don't worry for me.
I will be ok.
Someday.

Only his good grace and care for others
To erase my name
Prove his love to the human race
And rid of me

Would only be doing the world much better
If I were dead and gone
There is no room for my problems here
No room for my thoughts

But then again to be my fate
To be like this
To feel all of the pain
I have gained,
I deserve.

Maybe death a too good fate for me
And I will live a life of suffer
But why not put everyone at ease
And just stick me six feet under?

I wish I could be heading somewhere
Instead of peddling in place.
I wish I could get something back
Instead of what I'm giving go to waste.
How do I escape,
fly high above the birds and trees?
How is it I keep walking on
Instead of falling to my knees?
Set me free!
I don't know who I'm supposed to be.
But apparently if I'm not the right one
I'm not good enough for you to invite me.

I'm tired of all these people,
Of not being enough.
Of giving everything I can
And getting dust.
Getting to sit in the endless hours
While everyone has fun.
Apparently I'm not enough.
           Now just look at what I've done.

One little step out of line
And you will flee.
But if it is this way now
Then that is the way it will always be
I cannot not be myself
Even in recovering sorrow
I may be yearning to keep you
But I am still yearning to keep myself more

And if you do
In the end
Still decide to throw me away
I will be
So far gone.

With no
More dignity or strength
Left

I sat with him in that small cottage
His lips were soft and sweet and so familiar...
His eyes said he loved me
But I saw something else.
Concern.
Worry.
He said I must be tested.
To stay here, I must pass.
I grew nervous
And frightened
He said not to worry,
H would help me.
And after one last kiss
Hi sface grew dark an dtold me I must follow him.
And not stop for anything.
We ran past the blue hills and soon I heard screaming
A woman in agony, in pain, in fear
"They're going to **** me!" I hear her wail
"Help me!"
I chased him as he gained speed
My face burning
My heart stabbing
My shoes clumsy.

I do not think he knows where he is going,
he made a mistake,
didn't take me the right way
For I hear her voice grow louder
And we must be running toward her.

And as he rounds the corner ahead of me
There she is, coming from the right.
My heart stops as her burnt pale face wails at me
Her balding head and tattered dress
I try to run faster but she cuts me off
And reaches her burnt arms towards me

And I'm awake.

What would have happened if I had passed?
Would I still be there in that happy place,
Where I had everything I could ask for?
Because everything was so unreal when I awoke
I was still stuck in the fairytale.
Would I still be there?
Would I be lost in my fantasy,
everybody's dream?
Would I be released?

My world has turned grey
My smiles all fade
Why can't you come back to me?
I hate to say
That I'm wasting away
But without you I'm definitely
Not who I used to be.

The world has turned numb
And the darkness keeps attacking
All I can say is
I need you.
You help me stand strong
From the demons
But now you are gone
And they bury me quickly.

I have your words,
your voice, your pictures;
But it's cold without you here.
I need you to come back
And take my hand

I don't know how much longer
I can stand.

Monsters in my head
And I can't stop them
There's demons in my bed
And they won't stop this I do my best
But I can't will them out
They take no rest
Until I force them out
Only on thing can cure this agony
His brother pain comes in at last
He fights my fight and stands by me
He cures dark thoughts
And painful memories

Bring pain in
And give me relief
From this endless

The world caves in
And suffocates me
Nothing will ever be
How it used to be

Can't find peace
In anything I do
My heart is unhappy

I cannot find my path
I cannot find my happiness
All I know is that I want to see you
But you don't want to see me.
All I know is that I don't want to see you
But you want to see me

The world has crashed
And I am crushed underneath it.
No air.
No escape.
No relief.

Be careful what you say,
Be careful how you act.
Cause if you make the wrong move
He might get mad.

He might get mad
And say he won't
be coming back,
You lost your one last chance.

So tiptoe carefully
And think before you speak
-keep your tongue in cheek.
Because he's holding back a lot
And he won't tolerate everything.
You get no free passes
to be how you want to be.

So be very cautious,
Pay attention to how you speak
Cause you just might lose
Your one last chance
And then
He'll leave.

It's the bittersweet irony of life
That I should find you
I tried to resist for so long
But I fell into the snake pit.
I lie in comfort while you hold me
But what about the day
When your hold
Wraps around my neck

But I try not thing think of that
Because you've got me in your grasp now
And I can't escape the boa's grip
So
Think of it this way, my friend

What's more exciting than living your nightmare
What's more insane than being eaten alive?
Let yourself free-fall and make all the wrong turns
You are embraced by the one thing you fight

I watch their worried stares
As I lie here in the snake pit
As the boa wraps himself around my heart
But I don't struggle,
No I'm not crying
For there is no stopping this once it starts.

I am not your night owl
I am not your midnight friend
You can't just come over
Late in the night
And expect to get with me

We never see the light of daytime
Me and my nocturnal love
You always say you're too busy
When you're really just out havin fun

But the world turns on
And I'm finding you turn
    at a different speed
Your reason for living
Is definitely not my creed

"Get over yourself."

**How dare you?

Want to hold you so close
But I'm stuck, they say
Love one but not both
I cannot seem to love that way

I miss both of you with
so much intensity
how can you compare
two beautiful souls
two human beings?
Choose?
Why must I pick what feels wrong
Even though
It is what feels right?
Because the other feels just
as wrong.

Maybe I'll bury my head underwater
Try not to think
About decisions
As bubbles escape
from my nose.



Cannot settle on
Such shaky surfaces.

Your actions breed my insecurities
And over all this time they have bred my definition for heartache

Who says that I am not allowed
To let myself sink down to your level?
The scores have always seemed even,
I always thought they were settled.

Never
They never were.
I am still like your dangly toy on a string
Bouncing around,
Dreaming of running around on its own feet

I am waiting
For two things
That seem important to this impact.

I cannot imagine life
If neither of them ever come

Only death.

Sometimes it sneaks up on me,
This pain of mine.
But sometimes it jumps out at me
Like a stranger with a knife.
Sometimes I do not hear its silent footsteps fall
And it startles me
When it arrives.

For this is the thing I've been dreading
My whole life that I might run into
I find the most wonderful man
Who believes in my father's beliefs
I find this most wonderful man
And he is soon set to leave.

If only, if only
But this time I cry
I make curse to this earth
and I scream at the sky
In frustration and anger
And sadness and pain
And what is it that makes me feel this way?
None other but love.

Love that holds me sweetly on my death bed.
Love that soothes the sorrows but lets the tears never end.
It is love that huts the most
And causes all the pain.

It is love in my life
That is my true enemy.

Jump into my veins
Like a bolt of lightening
Been down this path before
So it's kind of frightening
Trying
to step carefully
Not to fall flat
on my back
Sneak quietly through this place
Without reeking havoc
Though I know the
deeper I go down
The darker it will get
But I don't fret
I see this as a game
You will not just
come be with me
Then I shall keep myself
entertained
However that may be
      Sneaking through the forest
      with the wolves right
             in front of me

I'm dead meat
And I can't stop giggling

Who shall win the game?

It's been almost one whole year, my love.
When will this charade be over?
I've been quiet in the background,
hiding in the shadows,
waiting for the day they all will know.
I never thought it would last this long.

When will I be freed of this indefinite sentence?
When will we stop playing this game of hide & seek?
When will you unveil me?

I'm still waiting...

The words you left behind to
           strangle me,
           smother me
I can't get them to stop showing up in my mind
"I don't hate you..."
Are you still really that blind?
Do you still think I'm some damsel
waiting to be saved
But if you're not the hero,
This must be a tragic love story.
In your own mind,
You must have kept
a fabulous character for yourself.

Truth be told,
     I miss you.
The way you used to overwhelm me,
Touch me, kiss me,
how you could chase all my demons away

Where is that simplicity now?

Look under the board
Turn over the pieces
You know my agenda
But what game are you playing?

The sun is shining brighter
My smile's starting to grow
This load isn't so heavy
I'm just a  traveler with no place to go

Wanderer
But why not enjoy the trip
You've seen what life does
You know what love is
Just continuing in a changing direction

following the path I'm digging

But I want to know

Where's your path going?

My rage from pain is growing
You do all this without knowing
How much it really hurts me,
How deadly consequences can be.

What's with all this silence?
It brings me to the brink of violence,
To breaking all my promises
Do you think it's really worth it?

In defense of all your pride
You're pushing my heart to the side.
Is this some kind of punishment
For one thing I shouldn't have said?

Well I'd be careful baby
You don't know what you're doing, maybe
You just don't know what's in store
-How dare you say "I love you more"!

Darkness swallow me
Envelop my heart
For it needs not to beat anymore if not for him.
I needs no memory
Of everything it lost
Just numb me
From feeling everything
Just don't even  try to tell me
Everything will be alright.
I am gone
I am nothing
Lost to this world.
And it is all my fault

I will never get him back.

I look all around,
Surrounded by darkness,

What led me here again?

Now I am more alone than ever,
Where did you go?
Where have you been?

Like a reward for not ending it all
One more precious second in your company
One more touch

To not be dismissed
Is more of a blessing
Than I could ever ask for

"The sweetest lullaby in the darkest of times"

I will probably never have the sweet song I had before
But maybe I will not only have just a memory?

But a tinkling music box
With the bittersweet version of the tune
I once fell asleep to.

Back on the cutting board
Back in the hamster's wheel
nothing works quite as well
As the blissful pain I feel

****, cut, or smoke
I need one or all three
I need to feel the happiness
I need some dopamine

Fill my head with cloudy days
Fill it with that ecstasy
Let me drift away awhile
Give me that ******* free

Start a line
**** the pain away
Light me up that spliff

Then give me pen and paper
And let me write this riff

I cannot look into your face for much longer
Than two seconds
I want to gaze into your soothing eyes
And have you catch me
I'm falling
Falling
Falling
The only thing that brings me up
Is finding myself back up high
Forgetting, repressing,
I want you to hold me
And never let me fall
Don't let me fall anymore
I don't want to fall anymore
Please look and me and understand
I'm lost without you

It hurts to remember
I want to forget
But every time I think of letting go
I feel lost and confused
Like life is nothing without even a thought of you.
Want to wallow in mourning
In yearning, in pain
Rather than forget your face.
It was nothing
I am nothing to you anymore
Why are you still part of me?

I can feel it on the tip of my tongue
As you grab my hand
Or pull me close.
As I kiss you, you hold me;
I can feel your heartbeat.
I can almost say it
Almost whisper it

But I make myself wait
For now is too soon

But I feel it on the tip of my tongue
And I have to catch it when I take a breath
So it doesn't fly out.

"I love you."

Last night was very hard for me
My brain was buzzing
Racing, running
With every thought it could think of you
With every dream it could dream of you
I guess it hasn't gotten the memo yet
You left me
It knows how much I longed for you
But it's a little too late
I no longer want to think of you
It hurts
But it seems like you're the only thing it can think of
So much that I can't think
Of anything else worth thinking about
Kept up half the night
My own mind driving me crazy
With pain
And tears
And "how could you do this?"

Somebody gave it a late notice
Cause I'm way over that phase
I don't want to think about you
I don't want to dream about you

They are the muddiest thoughts
And the clearest dreams
I have
Ever had.

Today I am a deep black hole
Filled with cold and worthlessness.
I am as deep and as wide as the sky
And as shallow as a spring puddle
I have no heart, no soul
For I fear that I am nothing.
I am not worth a shoulder to lie on
Nor a person fall into.
I deserve no grace or pity
But I deserve what I have coming to me.

In the night
I dream of being happy
I dream of meeting you again,
That you are still the same
Somehow you have still held your love for me
Somehow,
My faith is restored in this world.
A world where I can touch you,
hold you,
kiss you, like I once did
Is a world I will never again take for granted
We lay and talk
Reveal our innermost secrets
I smile and
You smile.

And I open my eyes
Back to this ******* reality in which I live
Where I don't know you anymore
And you're never coming back for me
The world where you left me behind
In the dust.
Why must you haunt me like this?
Just as I begin to get up on my hands and knees
You com in the night
Push down upon my back,
Push me back onto my belly

How does on e move on
With such weight upon them?

At first she caressed me like her lover:
He held me in his arms and I forgot the world.
The only thing that existed
Was where he and I were touching,
All else was black.
The only moment that existed in time
Was where he and I were kissing.
There would be no before and there would be no after.

Then she lied to me like a distant friend:
Telling me nothing existed.
Nobody else in the world but he and I.
That where I was was not where I was.
And when I was, well,
She told me time did not exist.
And I believed her.

She put her hand around my throat and squeezed:
I relived my life every second, speeding back up to this one.
I was another person, some older woman
I lived simultaneously through my entire life
Being everything and nothing.
As if running out of air my body twitch and tweaked and jumped-
He told me, "Shhh, calm your breathing."
But I hardly heard him.
"Try to go to sleep."
But I didn't know what sleep was.
The only thing keeping me slightly tethered
To this earth, to this time
To existence
Was focusing on him
Feeling where our bodies touched
Kissing him-
But he told me
"Try to go to sleep."
And turned his head away-
"Try to go to sleep."
And at some point
I did.