Numbers on the paper
Fall flat inside my head.
I can't seem to calculate
a single word he said.

Algebra's not much my style.
You cannot write a book
with numbers, fractions, percentages
of which I would want to look.

My father's big on math sense.
His goal to make me see
the greatness of these numbers
which, simply, cannot be.

So sit up in front, if you wish,
I'll take a seat in back.
Hiding behind Big Joe
With a book laid in my hands.

I must choose
Between my father's happiness
                     and mine.
Knowing all is in good cause
But lifting a finger to say
Just cause I've been raised
By this man,
In this house,
On this bridge,
For connections of heart,
I have to
Am expected to
Make the same decision?

They make sponges of young
Take advantage
And force them to believe
Make them go to church
Of the same religion
that befalls
of their parents.
etc.

But I am a free heart
destined to make my
own choice
My mother saved me
from this prison,
This brainwashing
So I will defend my right.
I see the looks of
dissapointment.
But in my mother's eyes
there is triumph.

Then I fall back to:

"You are my last chance
of not being a failure
as a father."

He's always there
You see him from the corner of your eye
He's ust livin there
to put you down
So when you come around
he can let your words
hit his invisible
force field,
change to steel,
and pelt in your direction.
You want ot give him
that box of poisonous crackers
he deserves
But that will just earn
you another invisible bruise
on your left arm.
So give him all you got
In your heart, your mind, your soul
but make sure it stays there
To
The sad little guy that lives in the corner.

The old tainted laamp
Waits on the wood
Where wall meets wall.
Waiting
for a lightening bolt to strike
in me.
Waiting for uniqueness
to flow.
Giving something as
noticable as the glow it once shed.
Yet storms are
delaying waiting for
their moment
to wake me up.
But as we both wait
for the unique
We'll just
sit
and stare
at each other.

These scarlet tears
They shrink the lies,
The pain that's crept its way inside

They hide the dark,
Make me not see.
Even when it sits right next to me

These scarlet tears
They shut my eyes
Thye silence sobs and muffle cries

Don't you know
They're my escape
From my so-called life
That is so fake

These scarlet tears
Dearly beloved friends
They'll stick with me till my decided end...

It's been a while
from when the bright sun first
rose into my heart
Replacing my thirst

But night soon creeps
And loneliness does wrap
It's hands round my neck
and sinks claws in my lap

My need for blood comes
As waterfalls fly
Deep down in my pillow
My concience it cries

I silence them all
Monsters neath my bed
Monsters in the corner
Monsters in my head

Usually so impulsive
I hesitate
Won't follow my throat
to those words
to that place

I am very fond of you
I know
Because I am so jealous
of the things
that I don't

But those little words
imply so much
Take us much farther
than the world of  touch

And if I were to follow
That path where it leads
I would lose my footing
fall down on my knees
lost all over again
on a road
I don't know

What does it take
     to have an honest will to
                                           stop?
     to stop regressing
                   in your patterns
                      and create the
          place you want to be

I gave up my everything
to be "free"
   and I found I was only lost
A bobbing head in the
     dark sea

But I can no longer wait for
      someone to rescue me
        I can no longer deny
                             myself freedom
                             that I need
Where is the passion
                   the automatic desire
to take my hands
from off my own throat
and stop choking
myself?

Why do I enjoy that
           so much?

The shrill reaches my ears
And I'm in tears
        Solid stone shaken by
a gust of wind
        Solid bone shattered by
a whispered secret

My pendulum swaying
             balance broken
How can you walk around
    when the walls are shaking?

Steady peace
is what I'm trying to reach
  struggling
     when all my flat feathers
have been ruffled
     when all the outside has
           been muffled
by the silent storm within

by the breaths caught
       short and fast
more choked back
            than the last
try to remain steadfast

try to recover
when all the noise is over
when the pain is really gone
    why does it linger?

Why am I still trying to
            figure out
How to turn the ****
                             thing off
  when the task has been
              accomplished
when the ringing
          has already stopped?

I am nothing more
than a ring you want to wear
A burden
        you must bear
               Those painful memories

I am nothing more
than a tail you want to chase
the warmth
        of an embrace
                Your lustful enemy

I am nothing more
than a name you want to shout
The wanderer
          to your devout
                Your hidden self

I am nothing more
than a book you don't want to read
a stranger
          you don't see
                 Your dusty shelf

But you are everything to me
   And I can't see
      how you can
            ignore your heart
   I don't understand
      why you find it so necessary
  that we spend so many
              hours apart

More and less complicated
Every single day
in every sing way
          in every instance
               every frame of mind
Seeing life more as a game
                 complicated
                                       yet
                                         simple

I would want
nothing more
than to be
           the wind
Free to go
                   do
                      say
            as I please
      no consequences
      no disease

Being born an
'American'
means I want
to live the
'American Dream'?
       I don't
think so mister
      this is
hardly the land
     of the 'free'

selfish fools

Jump into my veins
Like a bolt of lightening
Been down this path before
So it's kind of frightening
Trying
to step carefully
Not to fall flat
on my back
Sneak quietly through this place
Without reeking havoc
Though I know the
deeper I go down
The darker it will get
But I don't fret
I see this as a game
You will not just
come be with me
Then I shall keep myself
entertained
However that may be
      Sneaking through the forest
      with the wolves right
             in front of me

I'm dead meat
And I can't stop giggling

Who shall win the game?

I don't want to be
your midnight lover
And not your daytime friend
I want you to take me places
Not just lay in my bed
I want you to know
the depth of me
But I'm too scared
of your judgment

Who are you?
What am I?
Who have we become?
Our hearts
May have different beats
But they're still on
The same drum
You may still show
   your face sometimes
But I'm still out
       of luck
So hard to keep
   you by my side
If you're going to
  stay so stuck

I'm running a muck
The baddest part
            of me
Always let be
To roam around
          free
As long as it's
not in my mind
  torturing me

You could set me
                      free
Let both our
    caged hearts fly
But first you must
  make
your biggest escape
And stop the lies

Hard, isn't it?

Between the two of us
We have enough battle scars
To cover football fields
We've been hurt so often
We perfected
How to heal
How to control what we feel

So between us
    there lies a giant scab
All the pain we've caused
                                     each other
           lies just beneath the surface
Careful not to pick it
         Don't let the blood rise to the
                                                           top
Cause if the wound is opened up
                                      again
    I don't think
                 it's gonna stop

there are dark times
Where not even words can find me
those times
I can go weeks without writing
why do I experience such breaks?
such immense writer's block
swimming alone in a sea of company
I get lost
The passion disappears
And I feel empty
The words they just won't come
to free me of this misery

Where am I?
Where have my precious poems flown?
I must know so I can
Find a way to follow
Get myself back in sync
With the waves inside this ocean
Lead myself back to god
Try to keep myself open

And when that moment does strike
I am in the wrong place and time
I cannot stand aside
And let the words in my mind
                                             unravel
And I never get them back
They fly away without me
and I am stuck
         can't find their tracks
         And see where they have gone
For if I do not heed them
         They will leave me

Where can I find control?
     Or is that the whole point?
Not being able to have a say
     of when these words will free me
     of where these words will take me

For it seems
        I am a prisoner
           to the thing that
                        sets me free.

To You,
I feel betrayed
I was patient and I waited
And you're still not here
Will you ever be?
You gave me excitement
I wanted to see you
  But all you have given me since
Is silence
No apology
for not arriving on time
No mention
Of when you may actually arrive

It makes me feel
unimportant

It always did.

I feel paranoid
Like you're watching
every move
I can't
hear the door creak
or the air shift
without my heart going off
like the shot has been fired
and the race has started

the need has only been intensified
And it chokes me.

I hate everything today
It makes me sick
I hate the things I've done,
The life I lived
The people I've abandoned
And those who've
abandoned me
I hate failing everytime I
               get so close
Something always happens
That keeps me locked at home
I hate that you never came
Never even bothered to
Show your face
I hate being left behind
No choice but quiet rage
  raging pain
I want to make it go away
But it consumes me
  And I
   hate.

All that I succeed at
Is making people turn
       their backs
I'm more than flawed, I know
I've got my share of evil pasts
But all I'm doing
     is stumbling through life
I can't see straight
And I hate
  all this strife.

This day is taking
months to pass
Cause every new day
Is just like the last
Every dream
that I have
Is hitting repeat
and I have no choice
but to follow my feet
down the
exact same path
the exact same laugh
comes out of my mouth
And I have to
strain for ideas
drain them until
they won't come out
What's all this about?
a smile means
about as much as a frown
The days they drown me
with their continuous
                     ongoings
       where am I going?
           where have I been?

this is all the same
            **NEW GAME

Divine words
that flow right through me
Catch me in the moments
      light
race a little faster
   than my mind
          can catch
   than my mind
          can remember

Where does this flow go
after it goes through me
Does that way continue
     And touch through to you?
Is that how we are
               connected
this wave of divine art
      these words
   that seem to be mine
          have flown
   where does this urge go
When I have satisfied it?

Can I lock it inside
   Because I am divine
  Remember my rhymes
            and speed up
     on my flow
          watch it go
can I make anything
    of these words
          in waves
inside of me?
  Their rhythm,
           if disturbed
    pauses

           halts

       breaks

    sometimes
disappears
com
plete
ly


gone.

The words inside of me
setting me free
free
letting me flee
So I can run laps
on the things
       that chase
             me
Surprise what
      I fear most
  by facing it
head on

    Who doesn't say
to do such a thing?

   love what you hate
        for the hate that
                    it brings
         love the pain for
                    such things
such beautiful words
such superb
feeling

Pain is beauty
fear is love
there is nothing to
fear
nothing to
run from
It is all beautiful.

I'm falling in love with my dark
                                                       side
                 Giving it treats,
                                Letting it run free
                           I'm ignoring all the
                                rules
And so far it's helped me
               see
  unblinded me
taken me places I'd
    never thought I'd be

The only way I've found
  To get me closer there
Is to do what they've
     told me
           NO
                       don't do that
I break my rules
        that seem worn out
  And shake hands
      with the person in the
                        mirror
Who has always seemed
                    familiar
   but foreign

i crave
         everything you give me
          the sweet perfection
             inside the chaos
             you give me thrills
                An emotional high
      always want you near by
         or sleeping in my bed
            that weekend
            is the way I want to live
      while i am dreaming of those days
         you excite me with
                                           your hunger
                                           your lust
                                           your love
    I've never met a more
         incredible person
                      than you

                                     So I try to be
                                       GRATEFUL
                          in the empty moments
                                that
                                   I can still see
                                        your face
        feel the warmth
              of your flame
     sit still until
         our heartbeats
             are exactly the same

   My darling       you are
              inside my head
               where you live
       Every second
                     I think of you

I wonder sometimes though
      when will you
       want me to cage
            the bird that
                             sings
         'you are my
                     everything everything
                                  everything'

So that you may truly
                       call it yours?
     Or
          can  you learn to let me
             use my wings

                    and love me still?

Tomorrow
    I will see you
         every second that passes
                                                   is a joy
                An empty space that I
                                   no longer sit in
                                          with fear
    I embrace the empty moments
             for being full of potential
                                 you cannot write words
                      if the paper is full
    if there is no hole in my heart
        there is no room for you
                                       to fill
         you cannot have the
                          amazing capability
                                    that you do
               if there were no wrong
                                  for you to right
           see the darkness
                           not as your enemy
                   but only the opportunity
                                       for light
I hate these agonizing seconds
but my dear

I only know loneliness
so that I may
rejoice when you are here.

what is it inside
that you do to me
when I am around you
there is stillness
there is peace
You set my heart free
and I can no longer feel
it's crazy beats
that drive me crazy
when you are around
there is no need for anything else
why did I have
to go and be myself
mess everything up
Because All I Want
is to lay beside you
and count your heartbeats
until they reach infinity
start over at zero
to have an excuse to keep
you next to me

I love you
so much that it burns inside
when you are gone
Touch my skin
and I go mad with lust
You are the one thing
that sets my soul free
and brings the end to
the unending need

Itch
Itch
Itch
Have you ever had an
itch you can't scratch
because someone told you
it was too far
on your back
arms
can't reach
that far

they tell you
but what if they had not
what if they
had not told me
that it was
not okay
to do a certain thing

but when i don't listen
and i scratch
myself
i can
scratch
and
scratch
that
itch
itch itch

until i
set my wings
free
and
the itch
shall cease

there shall
be peace
when
all my feelings
can be freed.

I keep trying to rewind
back through the track
connected to my eyes
try to find the sight
of you
trying to re-see
when you were right in
front of me
re-feel your warmth,
your frame,
your scar
try to wind back
I don't know if I've lost it
the way your kiss felt,
the comfort you once brought me

these ghosts that wander
through my house
I can hear their
padded footsteps
I must remember
the way those feet
once felt so good against
my own
the touch that was
an immediate reaction
I must find
all the little pieces of
these things I don't remember
and can't forget

So I can sew them together
And set them free.
And accept that I will never again see
the scarred boy from my memories

If you could put them all together,
If you could make the pieces fit
You would see a story
Not different
From your own.

You could see
that you are
me
from long ago

and I am

well...
you perhaps
who's yet to be

You could get a partial picture
of my soul in every piece
the emotion
in words flowing
know
                that all of them
                        are me

And if you put them
all together
I can set myself free

   Understand
        that I am always
                       myself,
        Even though I've changed

How could I
not be me?

Today I thought about you
In that special kind of way
The way that we thought once
Would never, ever fade

So I guess that means it didn't
But there are so many things
That stand in the way
Of what those thoughts used to bring

Now we don't talk
I used to know so much about you
You're older, wiser now
But I know you're still you

I can't ponder at these gates
That don't even exist
Because you are only one
Of the billion things I miss

I'd call you
But I know you will not answer
I'd write you a letter
if I knew your dwelling
I'd proclaim your name to the heavens
But I know no god to hear my shame
So I shall only think
and scribble my worthless words
in which your eyes shall never meet.
I love you

As a child
I held a smile on my face
I knew nothing about
the dangers I'd face
by just being alive,
trying to survive
have to bust my ***
to work nine to five
so that when I came
home
I could be all alone
And take a hit of
what they told me was
bad for me
But they lied
So I learned I was
overshadowed by
a system
That could make people
believe them
And what a powerful tool
that is

On the day they came to
take my brother away
For an incident 1 year prior
They told us they constructed
the whole **** thing
And as a prison bird my
brother now would sing
Mom paid the bail
With special money saved away
Which was more than
1 month of pay
And they put him in jail
      for 3 months
      5 years parole
And I learned that this system
Could also make you caged
they'd set you up
and send you away

So in my adolescence
I lost all hope for
the world
And the place they told
me was free
my rage and sadness
         uncurled
like a blossoming
          flower
It stung like a thorn
but it showed me
it's power

Change can be possible
Just use the right tools
Be cool, secretly
break all their rules
And maybe one day
I can do what I please
Without them making
and "example" out of me.

Remember how you told me
that even after
That you wanted us still
to talk?

And now here we are
In the silence.

   Why do they always say that?

One time I ate mushrooms
One looked like a ****
I must have had too many
Cause seeing patterns
Made me sick
But it was wonderful
At the same time
I was connected to the whole
Soul, Body, Mind
It was pretty rad
Except when I yacked
Now I'm yearning for more
So I can go back.

Caps

What is inside
that eats at me?
The fact that you might read this
Shouldn't change a thing
But it makes me think,
Maybe I could reach you

              And do what?

Ever since that day
You walked out that door
My heart's been in a box
Underneath the floor
And when I fall asleep
I can hear it's beating
Still to the rhythm of your breathing

But what can I do
this parasitic worm
crawls its way around my organs
the poison that it spreads
Warms them
Keeps them alive
Cause everyday
     I don't hear your voice,
        don't see your face,
        don't touch your skin
Somehow I survive.

What would you do
If a voice was calling you
(One that you knew)
Telling you to stand
And cheer for the trees
...The grass, the bees
and you.
Cheer for yourself
With utmost joy
Cheer for this completeness.

Could you be a lone voice
Causing such noise?

There's little peepers in my brain
And they see me
Everyday in and out
I try to control what they might see

I try to tell them,
"you're not real,
the past is dead,
Don't tell me how to feel"

I wish I could escape,
be free
from my own watchers
whose job is to watch me

Set me free,
      You don't exist
The past is dead
      And I quit.

I looked back in the mirror
and said
"My friend
you know,
it's okay,
you already know
if you trip while you run
you can stand back
on up.
Everything will be there for you
Your palace of great joy
Where we will celebrate
by emanating
peace
We won against ourselves."

And I wiped my tears
And stood up to see
The sun
as it shone upon my eyes
It no longer burned me.
I was free.
I am free.
I have found it


the one
Unspoken Truth

the night she crawled inside my mind
i was too scared and lost
to play too much
i couldn't understand the separate
worlds
you both left
and figured it out

but you came back
and i told you in a voice
so happy it seemed scary,
fake, and childish
that i've heard you use
so many times before
"i couldn't handle
being normal anymore"

i've finally gotten over
the fact that i'm insane

just like everyone else
sometimes the dark rock
seems too hard to handle
but i don't think
my shoes are much cleaner
or even dirtier
than yours
your shoes might be
a bit bigger
or smaller
or have more holes

but in the end
our soles
are usually worn
in the shape of a foot
walking through
glass and flowers
everyday

The first time I drank away the pain
you weren't there
The first time I drank for the numbness I would
feel
It was release
It was beautiful

I passed out on the couch
And you called me
A couple times around 1 AM
But I didn't answer
Or call you back

And now I always wonder...
What would you have said?

of times when things were wonderful
                                                       ­  between you & I
when it was as simple as 'I love you'
                                                         with no 'but...'s attached
memories of sun and rain and darkness
memories of the smile you used to wear,
                                                         how you used to laugh,
who you used to be...

only memories of holding you, you holding me,
                                those silly little fights we used to have
memories of you before you became what you are
                                                             ­                            today

Seems like centuries ago when you would look
               into my eyes like I was your everything
Seems so long since you actually looked into
               my eyes at all

I had been holding on to you
as if you were those memories...
But I Finally Let Go.

He told me he loved me
As you took your last breath
Maybe if I loved you
You wouldn't have left
You wouldn't be dead
But that's a silly thing to say
Because it wouldn't make a difference
I wouldn't be able
to fix that voice in your head
Couldn't tear down your defense
Before things started spiralin'
Maybe if we could have fixed...

I wouldn't normally understand
Quite how to say it
But if you listen close
This might just start to explain it
You see, it's a secret
A tiny little world
Where a boy can be a boy
And a girl can be a girl
I had a house there
that I shared with my friends
We resided there quite peacefully
Drinking, dancing on the weekends

But an earthquake shook
the whole wide world
When my third friend
took to flight
Flew back to Earth
on a pretty pink balloon
Now he's the moon
But I don't see it out
That often
Maybe if you're lucky
One day the clouds will open
But I don't think that's
gonna happen

My second friend and I
Flew back as well
But compared to our tiny world
Earth starts to look
a little like hell
There's no bandanna in the
crack between
the bed and the wall
And I can't smoke ***
when I walk down the sidewalk

But that's okay
We're here to stay
Without the moon on our side
But we still got a whole world to change
I won't tell you how
I've told far too much already
But anyway back to the story

My second friend is lost
outside somewhere in the dark
the clouds are clocking out the moon, she
can't follow her heart
And I understand her sorrow
Cause I'm just a moth
on the wall
that was attracted to the moon's glow
Where'd it go?

But I got too close to the light
And it almost burned me
Don't get too close to it
It can burn you too
But it's beautiful
Magnificent and magical
If it would just come back
I wouldn't be
scared of the glow
I'd keep my distance
She loves the moon too much
I don't know if she can resist it
Or if she even wants to
the light burned her
so much she kinda lost it

"I wouldn't blame you
If you wanted to fly
our spaceship
Back to our little planet."
I can't tell her that
Cause I'm not sure
either of us know
exactly how to get there
Our only chance is to
take a picture,
make some changes
We just have to get out
of the dark

Which way is that again?
Well I forgot where we parked
But we can find the light again.

Someday I'll show you,
I'll prove I'm not just some useless ******
who needs to borrow your car, mom.
Someday you'll see
I'm not just a  brainless pothead gettin
      ****** in the backyard
I'll take these working arms
And buy my own **** car
And some drugs on the side
Smoke *** in my own ride
Trip out in my own backyard
       Just wait and see
           I'll go far

I know you're confused and I know
       you don't see
But I figured out which lock goes to
        which key.
I know you're worried
    But, baby, there's no danger
I figured out the universe,
   So life is now a treasure

I want you to stop worrying
that I'm smoking cigarettes
I think those things are nasty
If you don't know that yet

Just stop worrying, stop spazzing
I promise I'll keep the noise down
And soon I'll find my own place
That I can be loud in
Don't you worry my dear,
My mind is clear, my thoughts
    are holy
This smoke helps my depression,
Helps spark my inspiration
So don't worry, ma'am  
I'll stop livin' in your basement
And I promise I'll share my riches
When I stop trippin', starin' at the wall
Cause that's all I'm doin'
There ain't no harm at all

Everything is just as it should be
I'm happy
I'm finally free,
Only light around me
So don't worry mom,
and I'm sorry I keep you up
So late at night

Make up your mind,
use your own device
See with your eyes
Uncover what other things
they've blinded
Like with religion
they try to keep it hidden

Reveal the secret

Are these drugs really doing bad
     Or are they good?
Haven't you seen the smile on my face
Have you not heard my song?

I figured out the puzzle
that had a big picture of
the world on it
I put it
back inside it's box
And I put it in my closet
So I can peek at it
Now that it's all whole
You should see the light it glows

What inside your pocket
keeps you chained to this ground?
the things you identify with
Help you understand your
surroundings
otherwise your mind would
float above the ground

So put the puzzle in the box
And put it in the closet
You can put it next to my **** stash
If you know where to find it

I don't know if I'm good for you
I don't even know if I'm good for myself
My underwater current
Could cause your mind's hell
I don't know how to control this
river spilling out of me
Above, below, inside of me
Sometimes it's too hard to even breathe
Other times I can ride the river's flower, make it slower
Make my heart beat softer
But it's really hard when
I'm holding my own
head underwater
When the dopamine level dips
So does my mind's trips
to the moon and the stars
And even the sun where
Everything is one
And not even these simple words matter
But when the high's done
My body need some oxygen
Some nourishment
Which is hard when all your money's spent
On the next trip to the canyon
On when you can get high again
Be closer to source
Because I can't control my own force
When my soul still needs me to free a caged bird
or a third
have you heard?
I'm legally insane
or at least I would be
If they knew how to read my brain
this pain
this insatiable thirst
to get what I want
and erase all this hurt
But it's like a bad taste in my mouth
that won't come out
It tastes like cigarettes
Sitting in a bottle of water
That I swallowed even still
So I could take a sleeping pill
Maybe I can just escape
this place for a little while.

Somehow I feel like
I could have said something
If I had the chance to talk
Somehow I could have helped your brain
You came to me
With what looked like a plea
Said that you liked me
But I was scared of your identity
I fell in love with you
A little bit that day
That you told me it
was the first time
You'd ever kissed in the rain
Those were the days that you helped take
the pain away
Before you jumped onto that train
And it took away your sanity.

How could you leave like that?
Suddenly you're gone
Suddenly there's darkness
Where the moon once shone

My heart can't find it's beat
And my legs can't find my feet
My stomach's turning in circles,
I've forgotten how to eat.

Where's the chord at, Matt?
Did you finally find the free?
Did you finally find the dose
that would cure your insanity?
You used to look at me
With the most childlike of smiles
It drove my heart wild
But now the thought burns inside
Your song
Those words
That will be the last time I ever heard
Your voice.
Your choice.
And I lock myself inside my head
Grab the pen
Work out all this
Frustration.

I once knew a boy
Who changed my whole life
Held me in his arms
And kissed me goodbye
Didn't understand
Why he would act that way
I couldn't see
The lights of the coming train

Never again
will we
Stay up all night long
Never again
can I
Listen to your songs

Where did you go?
Why did you have to leave?
Well I hope
You found your peace
Where did you go?
Why did you leave?
Maybe someday I will
Find my peace

Lay up in bed
I can't forget
Your voice is running
Through my head
Lay down to bed
But I can't forget
The way your fingers felt
Across my skin

Never again
will you
light that ****
Never again
can you
Listen to this song

And that day
you kissed me in the rain
I fell in love
And now I feel the pain