You are not a stranger,
No
I know your face quite well.
I still remember
your heartbeat
As I tried desperately
to hold all the blood
inside your heart,
Tried to keep you
from falling apart.

I never succeeded.

My fingernails only cut
more holes into your delicate skin.
All your tears
Only caused me to
Slip and fall,

I had to run
to keep you from stealing it all-
I cannot pretend
as if
none of this happened
I must remember

how I had to expel
parts of you
from deep within myself.
How your pain left me with scars.
Love is not the only thing
that leaves marks.

And my nails are still too sharp

To hold your fragile heart.

You asked me what had changed
         I couldn't tell.
I couldn't let myself add
to your current state of hell.
But if I were to be completely honest
I'd have to tell you
That it's those years that I have
     completely forgotten
                                                       ­            They changed me.

I had to learn to be less wanting
I had to learn to try less "us" things.
I had to distance myself
so you couldn't hurt me
Because you did-
  over and over again -
(I cannot say this.)

I guess it's the same as I'm hurting you now,
You showed me how...

But if we both lost this
       will we lose each other?

My heart is full of want,
I'm unsettled.
I can't move.
Can't sit.
Can't meddle
In any of my business





****
I lost it.

The thoughts
like little barbs against my skin
trying still
to claw their way in,
to leave their marks.

Little pains
that never come to be
they have to get past me-
and the person
that I have learned to be

they don't know
how I've grown

They don't understand.

Or maybe I
am the one
underestimating them

They may get in
when my
resolve has
fallen too low
for it has been known
to do so
Maybe I'll buckle
Maybe I'll kneel

But until then

I will just feel
the knocking at the door,
Insisting

On me giving in,
taking that sharpness

to my skin,

feeling

Pain.

Today I realized

this year
it was only his birthday
and not

your deathdate.

The urge is more
     overwhelming
                      every day
I cannot make it
               go away
I wake up with tears
           in my eyes
and go to bed
              just the same

I know I am fighting a battle
  that I will eventually
            lose.

I think it's starting to tip
into the realm of unhealthy,
possibly dangerous.
I've always been wary
of the edge
but this time
I see myself leaning,
I see myself teetering
Making decisions
I very soon regret
That I want to forget
But I can't
and I shouldn't
because these could be the moments
That keep me in check
I need to keep me in check
or the ending
could be
disastrous.