Memories kept so close at heart.
Pictures, Letters, etc.
But in all Reality, Memories are just a figment of ones imagination.
Holding on to something that time has eradicated for good.
Let it go.
Please oh please, Just let it go.

I stared catatonic nonstop and could not pull my eyes away or scream
except for the great internal scream and I felt like death was upon me, or nearly so.
And my body asleep but my mind twisted and my eyes awake wide-open
and no dream this was but real things and then my thoughts put outward
and all these things terrible formed into death-shadows
and flowed down through the fabrics above my head. 



Flesh undulating in darkness that creeped
and I found ten seconds of courage to sit up and stare
at the wall as the rippling fabric became a thousand black snakes
crawling down from the ceiling and out from my dreamcatcher
that did nothing at all but release these terrors from the wall.

And I thought it was sordid wind that came in gusting through my window that made my sheets become like a mechanical sea
but it was not so, and these vile snakes poured out like *****
from some gaping maw above and went underneath my bed
and all through the floor to the four corners of my room
and then came together again above on the center of my ceiling
and murmured death-talk and horror-faces from the walls and ceiling

and even closing my eyes would bring nothing but flashes
of demonic children and things with no jaws or eyes
hollowed out and terrible ghosts I procured and almost choked out laughter because this was it and I've finally gone and gone mad



There was a man at my closed door wearing my jacket that hung on a hook
and his face was the face of a skull that hung above my door
and from the corner of my eye the man with the door on his back with the coat still attached walked with silent step toward my bed, and I turned to look at this figure
and instead of snapping back against the wall like all nightly visions should;
he stood there, and as I stared at him I saw slow moving black legs receding against the wall

but the horrors of his feet were ten thousand worm bodies and black leathery fingers of bats and crawling things
and my carpet floor was no longer static but a creeping madness,
and my body trembled as if it were being continuously dropped
from heights a hundred times over and great odious black
pillars and monoliths slid steadily up the corners of my room with arms
that then burst out to the middle into nothing but a smiling cheshire grin
and I could not move anymore and just stared until my mind went numb

and like the first sunlight upon the last fog before dawn, I awoke.

11/23/13**
my only friend
mr.e.d.

i wish he would leave me be for awhile
maybe let me pick myself up off the ground
brush the dirt off of my clothing
take a warm warm shower
and let myself feel human again

but mr.e.d. is selfish
as am i
we both want beauty
we both want to risk it all

i dont quite remember how i met him
we must’ve shook hands one night
when i was feeling too low
because i know he lifted me up
and kissed my nose and whispered
"ill help you become yourself"

i knew mr.e.d. would become my everything
but i didn’t understand what that meant
until he had me gasping for air
between pools of half digested food
crying promises to the toilet bowl
"ill change ill change i promise"

i don’t want to leave mr.e.d.
because he helped me become
who i am
and i owe him
my
life

im sorry that my friends don’t like you mr.e.d.
im sorry that i promised them i’d leave you
but you know me better than that
im loyal
and you
are my everything

You used to say you would never Quit
You told me to stay Strong but how am I supposed to be strong when you are my strength.
You took some pills
You left a note
You lost the battle
Now you're gone and you have left me
**Alone

A gift can be so many things
Flowers, Chocolates, Diamond Rings
I received my heart renewed
When the lord knelt down
And gave me... you-
A gift of passion, a gift of strength
Til death do us part, throughout life's length
A gift of faith and a promise too
My heart forever belongs to you-
Gifts of happiness and of Joy,
A gift of trust I'll not destroy
The gift of Family and good times shared
Of understanding, with no expense spared-
At last a gift I cannot hide
A gift that comes from deep inside
The gift of love I give to you
A love that's deep, a love that's true-
A gift can be so many things
Flowers, Chocolates, Diamond Rings
I received my heart renewed
When the lord knelt down
And gave me... you

*Abdirahman

“YOU’RE NOT REAL” I screamed even as my knees buckled and I collapsed fingers gripping at the sides of my head as though I could make it all stop if only I could break through the fragile casing of my skull and force my finger tips deep into the softness of grey matter trapped within.

I cried then in the way that only children seem to be able to, I cried as I have never cried since that day with heart breaking sobs that made my chest ache even days later.
Days that I do not remember.

I know I stayed there for what felt like a life time, my body crumpled against the unforgiving wooden panelled floor shaking with each new sob that tore at my throat until I was sure that I might soon see blood as well as tears staining the fabric of my little blue jeans.

There were hands then, though I never saw them.
Large and rough with years of labour, they smelled of cigarettes and potting soil… saw dust and engine grease.
Those hands came and closed slowly over mine easing away the pressure of my tiny fingers now tipped with blood where my nails had partly broken the skin leaving red streaks through the tangled mess of sun bleached strands.

Strong arms lifted my body that felt too small… too fragile, like a hollow egg shell that has been pitted against a brick.
That was how I felt then just a shell trying to keep the world at bay.

I remember the dull sensation of eyes staring, burning into me as those strong arms cradled my shell the blur of red against the grey shirt that covered the chest that felt more like a mountain… a fortress that could hide me from the world.

There was no other sound to me then but the footsteps of my human fortress carrying my shell of a body out of the room as my pained sobs cut through the air and buried themselves deep in the psyche of every being there.

I knew somewhere in the back of my catatonic mind that I would never see that room again or the other children and their frightened glances that were always cast in my direction whenever I was caught speaking softly to the man that  paced the halls of our Sunday school.

I would never see the haggard face of our tired teacher, the horrible accusing look he always gave me when I insisted on the pacing mans existence before being sent to stand alone in the farthest corner of our class room.

We passed through the narrow doorway where above there hung a sign.
Fat sprawling letters written in a child’s hand so thickly coated in a smattering of different colored glitters… Jesus loves you.

I closed my eyes.