i know you're depressed
know you just don't want to deal
with me
with anyone
don't feel like you can
don't feel like you can take anymore
don't feel like you can handle it all
it's just too much
all these people who Love you
who mean so well
who want to be the one to save you
to play the hero
be the one to make you smile again
they have no idea
can't feel what it's like
they don't understand that
for all their good intentions
their affections are just another burden
their attempts at Love and comfort just a
complicated social dance
they're forcing on you

i know you want to feel better
know you would if you could
but all their attempts to help you
just make you feel like a burden
to the people you Love
the ones you least want to burden
and why can't they see that only makes it worse
to have to choose between
disappointing them
when their attempts at cheeriness inevitably fail
or lying to them
and pretending to feel better
when you don't
not really
just to spare their feelings
can't they see that you don't have the energy
to even be responsible for your own feelings right now
much less anyone else's
why can't they just leave you alone

alone

isolated

simplified

reduced

quiet

numb

trying to let the pain fade
disappear into nothing at all
so in the blessed silence left behind
the spark may return
just maybe
to fan the flames again
to build the heat
and warm you back to life
but only if you can first get away
away from all of us
and all our Love and affections
and our mountains of best intentions
only if you can reduce all the noise
and complications
and lay still in your shallow depression

i know you're depressed
i know how you feel
i know i can't help
i know i'd only weigh you down further
and make it harder for you to get up again

but i also know
that I Love you

and that you are not alone

I love to see your smile
my heart softly
whispers your name
I will never forget
how you picked me up
when I was down
{Don't cry
I am here to stay
trust
I am here to say
I will always love you
together
we will sail through
the storm
together
we will face
the squall
together we shall walk
together....
The years go by
you are my bright sky
your face means home to me
I will never leave you
I promise, I will lead you
each day close to my heart
{Don't cry
I am here to stay
trust
I am here to say
I will always love you
together
we will sail through
the storm
together
we will face
the squall
together we shall walk
together....

It's ironic
How beautiful it is
The way it flows in a thin line
Drops of pain and sorrow
That puddle up on your bathroom floor
Drained
No longer a part of you
You start to think
*"Maybe if enough is lost
The pain will go away."

On an early September evening
we are sitting outside together under moonlight.
Above us a black velvet sky sprinkled with diamonds;
the light of the stars dazzling on that night.

The infinite in the sky, it was nothing.
Quite dull seemed the moonlight and the stars.
They could never compare to the way they reflected in your eyes.
I'll remind you darling, I got lost in them; trapping me in behind bars.

As I lost myself in the way the moonlight reflected in your eyes,
our souls coalesce into oneness.
Within our beings I was able to feel a connection,
you glowed where once lay my void and emptiness.

How do I remain awake without your light?
Where do I get lost without your eyes?
I become cold without the radiation from your heart.
An emptiness lie where your heartbeat sang in rhythm with mine.

Anger.  Hurt.
      Confusion.  Shock.

Detachment from awareness, I was vulnerable.
The Dark Place was able to shake me again.

"Darkness cannot survive in the presence of light."

I was fearing a disturbing reality
until the salvation of light pulled stronger.

Your soul, my soul, manifesting connection in light.
You are light in my life; light in my life is you.

Never again will I see the moonlight reflected in your eyes,
But looking to the sky, the moon and starts have a new luminosity.

What is it I'm hanging onto?
Why is it so hard to know?
I hate myself when I pursue you,
but I just can't let you go.

I'm not the only guilty one.
You string me along the same.
You make it so easy to hate you,
and when I leave you call my name.

I can't say I ever really knew you,
sometimes I wonder if I've made you up,
but I know we don't work,
and it's time I give you up.

Here's what's going to happen:
I'm going to kick. I'm going to scream. I'm going to hate you. I'm going to want you to cave and let me near you. I'm going to cry because you know I can't be near you, because I have Lost My Way; and I will hate you. I will fight. I will yell. I will be so stubborn, you'll wonder who this person even is. It is of utmost importance though, that you keep your distance. Be with me, but keep it during daylight hours. Don't let me descend into myself, I will stay there if you let me. I will wallow, and I will turn into a self-loathing human and I will sink deeper into depression. And I will do nothing to fight it. I will not want this. I will be bitter. I will be angry.

But please do not leave me. Talk to me. I will return to the person you love, and I will be back very shortly. I need to get a grip on my person as a whole, and I need to not be based on you. You are a human, separate from me. I want to spend my life with you, not because of you. You mean so much to me, and I hate putting you through the depressing hell I am raising. You deserve better.

Seriously. I hate that I do this thing, where I become an accessory of my own merit. I turn myself into your pet, your porcelain doll; you can do as you please to me, and I will not fight back. I will turn into a soulless human, and I will be useless. You deserve better.

Again, I wish I knew how to tell you this with my own mouth. I wish I knew how to deal with this on my own. But all reality is, I need you. I need you more than I need sleep. I just don't want to have to depend on you to be happy. Does this make sense? I'm sorry. I may be rambling again. Perhaps you'll be able to make sense of it. I don't know.