My mind is circling
my brain aches
all I crave is love
but at a touch I break
there can be no love
when emotions are impossible
outside of your own control
so I let chances slip on by
weakening, saddened through to my soul
as a child I bore composure
but now I have none
it was stripped away from me
leaving my heart cold; cold as a black sun
my life, my world so foggy and dark
hurting silently deep, deep inside
all I wish, someone to love, to caress
though I can't stop myself
from running, every time, to hide
there is one I could blame;
make my misery belong to him
he broke me;
wronged and defiled me
but what of myself,
my own inner faith and strength?
buried too well to exist,
or just too covered to see?
there's a high chance that I
do possess it within myself somewhere
but to seek it, my lack of courage
begs me not to even try
it may hurt but its easier
to keep it bottled up
yet I must persevere, or I'll never
find freedom;
I'd miss my chance to fly...

I think that you loathe me; wish curses upon my head
I can hear you now as you scream your obscenities to my name
Just because you know I can see you twitch and squirm
I'm waiting to witness the end of your doomed survival game

I may quite likely live on awhile longer
Still kicking and running while you sink and die
This brings me a power I can't help but to hold over you
There's not a thing I could do though, and my words are without lies

It was the divine creator who made you exist as my underlying *****
And I've no responsibility for my superior advantage
Never though, would you be capable of maintaining the tiniest semblance of control over me
Perhaps it's due to my choice made some days ago, and because I have been digging my ditch...?

I see no reason I shouldn't insist on finding enjoyment in all of this
For once I'm not the weaker being, and it's a long-standing dream coming true
Nor have I forgotten your fleeting moment of success, and feel peace knowing you'll never have another chance to hurt me ever again
Now a toast to my victory, and a toast to your demise, for we're arrived at the precise time for the ending of stage blue...

...I win by my perseverance's sweat, for I did as I was instructed to, and spent the necessary years required digging my own ditch...

We write the most beautiful things
and then, so abrupt is time, we end; pass on
after our deaths, we're dead and forgotten
unacknowledged, unmissed; just simply gone
every one of us lives this life with the need to be loved
each of us goes through life craving to feel as though we're needed
so we can write our lovely sentences
but it's worthless, for we can't escape our fate, and in the end we'll still die
the beings we were to become, no more than mere ashes in the wind
not worth even whispers to carry on our memories
so hurt thus fell these, our flowing words
our hearts consumed with bitterness; grey
years will continue to pass, none will visit our graves
our pages, our legacies shall sink; take solace with us in the ground
so we mourn now, thou still alive; oh how we sit, sit and cry
we don't really make sense
for why wouldn't we be loved by another when we for another can ourselves love?
perhaps unconscious self-contempt leaves us craving to feel neglect for our return
or perhaps we're just so terrified of being broken
we use our fears, rejections, anger and abandonments to write our most magnificent verses
why punish ourselves so, when time will still in the end overbear, and we'll all eventually perish?
oh, the merest of acknowledgments to such notions may as well rip our hearts from our chests
we may have fled truth, begging, pleading as we birth rivers of our blood, sweat and miserable tears
all alone then, without another soul in sight to wander with us while we roam deaths rocky beaches
So it's all of us who are broken, after all...

I fear it from an inside
My lips ~ refusal to move
Seeking fervently, shadows to conceal
   my existence; to hide
Drowning; morbid dying in the
   sorrowed soul's tears
Scavenging for my god
Digging for redemption, for salvation
Questioning my faith

I'm told, once again, to believe
That, only then, there will be a
   hope in which to receive

He calls out to me
Audible to my ears
His beckoning reaches to even my
   recesses darkest and deep

I'm washed away in a flood
Self-inflicted, torturous death
Fading
Then the whisper
'Go back to sleep'
Still, my weary mind rambles onward
Shattering into puzzle pieces
The artistic portrayal of who I
   truly am
Though, I find no one who could
   reconnect those pieces to again
    build ~ again create, a whole
So, I am broken, shattered, crumbling
   on a downward spiral

Yet again, He beckons
Calling out my very own name
"Oh Beautiful Daughter,
"I see not, your sins."

I fall to my knees
Utmost gratitude conceived
Though I remain too afraid to believe
I trust Him; words flawless to
   every form of life
It's, alone, myself I cannot face
My mirror's as shattered as my soul
Those weak, disgracing, foul steps
   I daily take
As I trudge down my chosen life
   path of misery
A path to spawn animosity, contempt,
   bitterness throughout
Victimization

And nevertheless, He follows
Offering continually His hand
The Divine Hand

I shutter at such a notion!
Oh! How I don't deserve!
My broken puzzle has cracked
   open my mask
Lies to be uncovered ~ lies of mine
Revealed by my subconscious' truths

I collapse to the earth
Piercing my body with stones
   and thorns
Pierced flesh, it bleeds
As was once shed upon a cross

Stop my feet now, please! Oh, stop me!
I'm running... running away
The light, so beautiful, so pure
I, a stain, to be cleansed; washed away

His voice, so powerful, yet gentle
   and loving
A child's perception of her father's
   tones
And now, a message He declares
   unto this mortal me
"Quit your resisting,
"Oh Beautiful Daughter of Mine
"It was for your sake I created
   the light of day
"Come now, My child
"I've spoken, and you are worthy
"Bathe yourself in the oceans of
   My grace's eternal waters"

My shattered fragments arise
Fitting together a work of art
   too undefinable to speak of
In this new found light of grace, I bawl
In new tears, I rejoice
I have felt my Maker's unconditional love; His grace
I've been possessed by His showering of love

a soft, slow-motion like blink.......
eye lids, heavy, pulling down
then, now, raising back up
open... close... opening again
lashes gently, briefly collide; brushing
nearly inaudible whisper of sound

shivering
it's so cold
where has
the sunshine gone?
it's dark
and I'm
alone.

Words, phrases, exclamations...
great efforts to birth well-articulated strings
sentences, paragraphs going nowhere
just evaporating into the air
- after their pleading, violent spewing forth!
mad workings of mouths and lips, of tongues
raging torrents of language
worthless, pointless, meaningless...
one could say anything -
say everything!
enunciate; flowing, eloquent
or ranted, rambled
lightning-speed creation: disastrous!
no matter to be coherent -
to be nonsensical
speech is of absolutely no value;
devoid of all worth
perfectly useless, audible abyss...

So I'm finished and ******* surrender
it's been a journey traveled far too long
hope has long been departed and gone
painfully overdue, it's undeniably time
-So I'll shut my ******* blabbering, jibbering jaws
and I'll do it RIGHT NOW!