THIS icy cold water sort of, almost helps
but my throat is still thick, hot, and dry
caked and clogged, choking on nicotine phlegm
and oh God, how I long to just be high...

MY skull's a million pounds; head, so heavy
suffocated with thoughts, swarming, squirming, zipping around
my consciousness' holding capacity is entirely used up, one-hundred-ten percent spent
it's matter-less though, as I've nothing left waiting out there to be found...

CRACKLING, pop-popping~ there's a ringing in my ears
and I'm nauseous, my stomach aches and aches
I can feel my face, squished and crying, though I haven't any tears
my spirit feels on the verge of a complete and massive break...

I"M overwhelmed and broken~ too much, the physical hurting
I'm psychotic, shattered and scattered~ ugly emotional and mental pains
what if I'm destined to never find a cure that would make this sickness end?
and what if I can't, either, find a way to save the little left in me that's sane...?

HOW can this filth and destruction only be seen through my eyes?
perhaps I'm delusional beyond reason, perhaps nowhere, only inside my head?
am I possessed of an illness, hideous and wicked, hiding deep inside my soul?
should I relinquish this breathing now; maybe just be better off dead...???

OR maybe I should merely write another of my nonsensical, depressing poems?
in a fantasy world where there's truth to the notion that words can heal diseases such as mine
is there any purpose or point? - do I even have any strength to hold on to a fragment, so delicate, of hope?
how sure, how certain can I be, that, in my continuance of life, the days will always pass with, still, nothing left for me to find.......???

SUCH an ancient wisdom radiating from HIS words
chiming through each syllable this wise, OLD MAN spoke
granting me visions beyond the obvious of my world
a time to uncover comprehensions that have not yet awoke...

KISS the man - the boy, then rip out his beating heart
eat his pulsating ***** as it fades, as it pumps, dripping its final blood
savor the sensation of terminated life gushing through your red, sticky fingers
watch his flesh, sprawled on the floor, die in its own flood

THE OLD MAN knew - HE could see through to the true me
though I had never encountered HIM in this life before
HE told me to, "**** the man, free, and
"Repent of all the years spent wallowing in monstrosities and sin..."

"LOVE the man before you rip out his heart
"Bite by bite, be nourished as he dies in hell
"feel his life-blood smearing on your face, dripping off your chin..."
all of this the guidance, all the OLD MAN had to tell

THE OLD MAN whisper-spoke with a cracked, arid voice
crowned tones birthed of a knowledge, a wisdom, the man never possessed
for all of this, I have cried, but now I am done
the OLD MAN, to me, also said, "now to be blessed..."

I'LL kiss the man, then, heartlessly tear out his heart
I shall shred it, destroy it, spit as I throw it to the floor
****** spatterings, glistening red, surround me
and it is by this end, le fin, that I'll reach out and grasp the **** of my new door

OR so the OLD MAN told me...

for** many years
I have dwelled
as a prisoner of
my own mind
constructing a realm
meant only to
possess nothing, but
my impenetrable cage
I was just
so very afraid
I hid myself
hid myself away
away from the
world that I
could have known
perhaps, the world
I should have
should have known...

forever to remain
camouflaged by the
by the dark
in shadows, deep
hidden from others
kept from the
the sunshine's light
kneeling in a
dark corner while
while I weep
...my rolling river's
pained, murky waters...

it was only
only no one
no one, but
myself and my
own heedless fears
I, a captive???
restrained and
tortured, tormented
by a being who
shows their face
a familiar face
every time I
I look into
her empty eyes
as they gaze
through abandoned,
forsaken abyss
into my own
where I stand
peering into my
my destructive mirror...

my innocence has
has been stolen
was ripped away
by the hand
the hand that
belongs to me
thrown into this
this strangling cage
this awful dungeon
a captive soul
made slave to
my very own
inner, quivering doubt
forced to wallow
in eternal blackness
just as one
one miserable, exhausted
sad and dying
one dying fool
... solely self-
-created void...

[ a prisoner who
who resides within
cold prison walls
in another's cell
that was made
built up around
the ground where
their feet, first, stood
fervently constructed
with very, very
very powerful
efficient hands... ]

eventually she'll meet
her cold death-bed
life's breath, wasted
wasted, worthlessly away
cruelty in her demise
the conclusion her
her own hands wrought
meticulously designed
her own personal
damnation portal
and just as her
world while living
she'd conquered nothing
nothing, but her
her dark, lonely tomb
airless wasteland
of timeless death...

SHE SAYS** I have an old soul
But I feel so young and vulnerable inside
I'm lost, weak, and very naive
All I want now is to run, to hide...

SHE SAYS I possess great faith
Why then, do I doubt within?
I feel less faith in me with the passing of each day
The hole filling up with regret and sin

SHE SAYS I'm just so intelligent
Yet I'm truly lost and confused
Just a child, broken and bent
My soul already torn up and used

SHE SAYS I'm so inspiring
How could that ever actually be?
I've surrendered to the misery paralyzing my body, my mind
So how could anyone- how could she learn from me?

SHE SAYS I will be wanted, loved
But all I've known is my own self-contempt
No one could love such a foul, loathsome creature
My future holds only a deep hate to tempt...

SHE SAYS I will thrive, that I will be great
How shall that happen since I've already given up on my dreams?
My death shall arrive with naught accomplished
Or at least presently, that's how it would seem...

SHE SAYS, again and again, I have an old soul
Tell me then, what does my soul know? What has it learned?
Is it truly worth the suffering for me to continue on?
Or will I find my fate to be a girl left abandoned and burned?
                                                         ­        .................................................................­

Hear her screaming
       paint brushes
       of sound
       an art form
       of echoing fear

                     Feel her heart
                     in her chest
                     it pounds

              And her breath
              rushed, but hollow
              can also be
              found

    Move with the
    softly thundering
    whispers
    of her feet
    running down the
    path, smeared red

                     A metaphorical
                     twine of story
                     is coming
                           Unwound...

CAPITULATE YOUR VILE EFFORTS to tempt and grasp hold of me
my eyes have been opened, and you have lost your control
you're no longer able to sneak up and confuse me
I've been granted a repossession of all that you stole ~ ~ ~

I'VE RELINQUISHED MY REFUSALS, and am now His beautiful daughter!
I surrendered and He said I am His sunshine!
I am His princess for every moment of eternity!
I am His alone, and you have been left far, far behind ~ ~ ~

GONE ARE YOUR POWERS to imprison me here
His glory has left you pitifully, hopelessly weak
He holds me, lovingly cradled in His strong arms
and vainly sought shall be all your further efforts to seek ~ ~ ~

HIS GRACE HAS REMOVED my shackles and unlocked my chains
so oh no, never again, shall I be a demon's captive
He holds a key for every lock you might use to bind
and His desire is for my soul's freedom to live! ~ ~ ~

GRATITUDE'S TEARS RAIN from my eyes as I fly in His realm
my burdens, my deep, piercing pain, my misery - He has thrown them all away
His light has overflowed me and I know only the purest peace
I have been washed of my darkness and with Him I shall stay! ~ ~ ~

HE KNOWS ME! He loves me! He wants me! He has forgiven me!
with unconditional love, He has wiped the stains from my face
I, merely a sinful, repulsive wretch and He has cleansed me!
so wholly undeserving, I am in awe of the miracle of His endless grace! ~ ~ ~

OH! HOW I MUST forever thank Him and serve Him!
I shall worship Him as I live and breathe; as I play, run, sing and dance!
I am His child and shall take refuge in His perfect embrace
so you may as well forsake your games, because, for winning, you have not a minute chance...! ~ ~ ~

       ~~ I am HIS! ~~