"I don’t want to be beautiful with you
I want to be an ugly, wretched, bleeding thing
Pouring out on the windmills
I want to be the locked tiger they can’t lock up
Until it murders and then rages through the fields
Of wild grasses
I want to be so wild they can’t lock me up"
— Dorothea Lasky, from “You are beautiful,” Thunderbird

dear you,

hi.
you may be a stranger reading this random letter out of nowhere but to me you are a friend.
so, how is life hitting on you? i bet we’re on different edges of the boat but i’m pretty sure we’re both struggling to reach the end.  
i know we’re both on that part where fear slowly creeps our heart acupuncturing all its veins until we both become numb of the pain.
or maybe it’s just me?
this time my friend, can you stay with me until the end? it may cost our lives but please just for a while, can we stop?
can we share this moment of silence, look at each other and let our eyes speak all our feelings buried within the hidden parts of our soul?
can we pretend like we’ve known each other for a long time now and let us talk to each other for a while?
let us please share this time we’ve got and believe that it’s just the two of us in this world,
- in this world we’re both trying to escape.

my friend, please let me borrow your precious time.
let us share this moment to scream to the world our grief because really, i cannot contain it anymore.
i have long been trying to be strong but it’s not enough
i have long been trying to be brave but it’s not enough
i have long been trying to be loved but it’s not enough
i have long been trying to give up but i can’t
i have long been shouting at myself to stop thinking and expecting but I can’t
i have long been wanting to stop
but I can’t.

my eyes were shedding tears for two days now and as much as i wanted to stop it, i can’t.
forgive me for being weak and coward for sharing this to you, dear.
forgive me.
but if it isn’t too much, when words aren’t enough for us to comfort each other, when silence is all there is, when the hands of the clock are now starting to move, can you please share your tears with me?
can we cry together?
can we shout to the mountains, to the seas, to the trees, to all the living things God created, our deepest pains?
can we throw them all the words we have long been wanting to  say to the people who hurt us?
can we cry out loud, shout out loud, scream out loud until we feel our heart beats so fast because of all the ***** life had thrown upon us?
and when we’re tired of crying,
my friend,
when our knees cannot help us stand anymore,
when we can longer hear our voice..
let the gravity pulls us,
and together,
let’s look at the vastness of the sky, close our eyes and feel the last drop of tears in our face and whisper,
“**** this ****”

When I gave you that little white flower, I cried.
I cried because I know it’s the first and the last time.
When I held your hand on that day, I cried.
I cried because they’re not the warm hands that I used to hold.
They were cold- just like how I felt the
sudden winter season in  my life
when I knew you already left.

Since that day, I know I became envious.

I envy the wolf to the moon,
the moon to the sky, and
the sky to the world. I envy all the things
you saw and you held before you left
and how I pathetically wish
that I were those and that I was there for you
on that day that you were waiting for me.

You’re the man that I really looked up to-  
just like those stars. Up there. I can see the smile
and laugh of a small man in his hat and a briefcase on his
right hand calling my name in his rough and husky voice.
And I longed for all our moments. And I will forever be.

So many things I should’ve said- but I didn’t.
So many times I should’ve spent with you- but I didn’t.
So many hugs and so many kiss that all turned to dust.
Regrets. Regrets. There’s more room for regrets.

When you gave me that hug before we departed, I cried.
I cried because I thought that would be the last. But then,
I looked at those stars and I felt this cathartic feeling that
you were there. You were one of them. You were just there all long.
Forever guiding me- giving light in my darkest paths.
Then, I smiled.

I was welcomed by the strong breeze
of air that tickles my face
as my hair sways to the rhythm
of the wind saying, “Here we are again.”

It’s the hour after midnight and people
are now dealing with their own
dreams and nightmares- a monochromatic place
of one’s fears and desires- where reality
becomes a blur in the midst of our own darkest place.

And I, reminded by the same thoughts
and feelings from two years ago asked for more time
to be with her- to feel the warmth of her arms
as I bury my face with the embrace of blues and bliss
from the woman I first loved.

With this, I asked myself: Is there anything sadder
than the clock’s young hand who forever runs
to meet the older one?

Just like us, who continuously run for our time
before the battery of our life becomes dead.

Surprisingly, the moon hides its light tonight
as if she, alone in that vastness of starless night
felt my forlorn litany right now in this hour of departure,
in this bittersweet place of coming and going that its inevitability
is a cycle which we would all endure as long as
we breathe the fragrance and stench of life.

Hours left, and the light of our home will leave,
a month filled with memories have passed- memories
with love from the heroine of my life who battled
with time and distance- the hardest of all human battle.

As I stood here, I know how the sky with the infinity of its stars
will engulf my tranquility, as I again wait for her comeback,
forever looking above where we are all under,
just like how the world waits for the sun to shower its light
in the following days to come.

If dreaming is just
The way for me to see you
Then don’t wake me up