Wrote and rewrote
six separate drafts
trying to describe
how much I enjoy your freckles,
as well as your company
but I'm scared
because when summer ends,
like the gorgeous spots on your shoulders
you will fade,
but I don't want to let go

Tonight at a party there was a boy who looked exactly like you,
same perfect rounded almond eyes,
same scruffy slightly curly hair,
his eyes were even green, as I recall.
While I barely even know him, I found myself trying to be in his presence more than anyone else,
If he went outside I would take note, and eventually follow,
when he came inside, the same thing.
When we would talk I would feel my heart speed up.
I do not know this boy,
I most certainly do not love this boy,
but in the moment this boy became hot summer nights in the back of a Toyota pickup,
he became initials carved into half the trails in town,
he became drunken nights of confessing everything to each other,
he became the best friend I ever had,
he became what once was my world,
and the painful wall of nostalgia hit me in the heart like a shotgun,
even though I know I'm better without you,
and even though I know things would never have worked,
I loved you more than you will ever know,
and I still do, I suppose.
And the boy tonight was a painful reminder that I will be looking for you,
in every person I'm with for a long time,
because you were great,
and together we were great,
and I wish love alone had been enough to keep us both happy,
but it wasn't,
and things fall apart,
but I wish they didn't.

I awoke from your burning casket
so abruptly,
I did not even notice
I was no longer chained to your memory.

I sing again, and laugh again
for everyone to hear,
and far more often
than I ever did with you.
I did not even see the cage you put me in,
until you were completely out of my head.

I do not think about you much anymore,
and I cannot even begin to explain
how freeing that is.

And when I think to happiness,
I do not see your stone scarred face,
or your shadowed skinny torso,

Instead I see train track bridges,
and two beautiful blonde boys
strumming a Baby Taylor guitar.
And countless days,
spent beneath the sun
in a river that felt more apart of my heart,
than a part of the landscape.

I think of the way her smoke rings
could hit your face just right,
and how contagious laughter could be,
when you are sharing memories and a bottle of cheap *****.

The good times, have not killed me yet.

In the same bed I shared with you,
I found love that was greater than you ever gave me,
I found the acceptance I never felt from you,
I made memories that mean more to me than you ever did,
and I found an extreme happiness and content
I could not have found until I was rid of you for good.

To others;
Love lost will be replenished,
maybe not in the same way,
but it will be replenished.
It all just takes time.

You gave her bouquets of branches,
because she saw more beauty
in sticks than flowers.
And today I was asked what phase
the moon would be in tonight,
to decide how discreetly
he could kayak on an overly patrolled lake,
beneath the stars.

Seven cigarettes and others,
to ease the tribulation of a
warm lonely summers night,
where unplanned contacts,
led to strange content.

A book and a boy and a pen,
and a thousand words
that had yet to be inspired,
through a faulty habit
that took paychecks and too many hours.

Darkness molded itself around my peripherals,
like the ones your grandfather watches baseball out of,
and the love that pushed through the cloudiness,
to enter my cornea with grasping motions
from pretty faces with laughter to spread but no dime to spare.
They are the reason why

In a small church parking lot
I found beauty in the delicacy of change,
and the way things can crumble
and bloom,
so very near to each other.

Falling into the sink hole brimmed with pretty flowers,
to distract your naive eyes
from the aphotic subterrane
just past the things that sparkle.
We put pretty bows on vulnerability,
and call it 'love'
pretending that it will chase the monsters away,
when it really just creates them.

I fell into your calloused hands,
yearning for them to cleanse me
of my murky insecurities,
instead they scrutinized my character,
and I saw my confidence leave me
in pretty ribbons of melted gold.

I once saw the sunrise from the back of a Toyota pickup,
by a creek with cold water and sour memories,
but there was more light in my head then,
because that was long before I started to see my father in your scarred face,
and before you asphyxiated both me and my hopes in you.

I swallowed pain and brushed off distress,
through stale promises and pretty jewels.
You told me it's better to let things go,
and I'm still not sure
why I believed in you so ******* much.

You lived by the motto 'no worries'
and so you were reckless,
and stupid,
and all wrong for the girl
who wraps caution tape over every decision she ever makes.

Things fall apart,
and people fall apart,
and ideas of someone that have been built up in your head for five years
can crumble from just one sleep deprived night,
when you 'calmed me down'
the same way my father used to.

And with bitter content,
and finally no more regret,
I hope Hakuna Matata works out for you,
and I hope she never drinks as much of your poison as I did,
because stains on the heart,
do not come out from swallowing bleach.

I kissed the boy,
with the sunny smile,
and the ocean eyes.
and when he kissed me back
I could taste pity on his lips.

And when he held my hand,
and made fun of me,
because I held it wrong,
I knew you were never mine to keep,
no matter how much I wanted too.

we once saw a movie at midnight,
caressed my hand through the whole thing
and afterwards,
when you got shaky and anxious
I packed you a bowl,
and sat with you while you smoked it.
Fell asleep in your arms,
happy and warm.

you woke me up,
with sleepy kisses
and we skipped school,
and you made me breakfast
and we went on a hike,
ventured off the trail,
and I slid on some rocks
and ripped my favorite pants,
you laughed and kissed me,
and promised you would sew them.
for a moment I thought everything would work out

but you are a complicated person,
and I wish I had known the extent of that,
before we made love,
because you never had much love to give back,
and you took a lot from me,
at a point when I had very little to keep for myself,
I guess it was all just bad timing.

But I'm good now,
and you are....
good?
And I can pretend like we never touched,
and you can pretend like we never kissed,
and that's fine
because everything is good now.

I am going to watch Fellowship of the Ring
and recite every line,
just like I always do,
and instead of feeling like a sad loser,
I will remind myself
that someday I will watch it with another,
who shares my passion,
and like Celeborn and Galadriel,
we will rule over Lorien,
together.