“Expose yourself to your deepest fear;
after that,
fear has no power,
and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes.
You are free.”

a single quote,
and yet i cannot face my deepest fear,
not even for freedom.

i sit here,
watching the moon,
watching the smoke from my cigarette,
streaming from lips,
curling up into the air,
and i always wish that i was the smoke,
O the pleasure i would have floating through the sky,
flying with the wind,
winding my way through the trees,
completely free,
free of pain,
of sadness,
of loss,
free of your memory,
free of your voice,
free to let you go,
but like the smoke of my cigarette,
its smoke lingers in my lungs,
like you linger in my mind,
the smoke kills me slowly,
and your memories pull me down,

so i sit here and wish that i was the smoke,
floating into the sky.

When it is nearly over
When the pain is gone
When the lies and anger ceases
And winter is my friend

'I watch as he destroys
the one I leave behind
no power left inside
And winter takes a hold

He ruined my self respect
He ruined my childrens lives
The anger and the tantrums
Are frozen now in time

Hurting and then the sorrow
The shouting and the pain
The lies and lies and lies
Winter at its worst

Emptiness surrounds me
And walls I build to keep
My sanity is fading and I know I am on the brink
Of losing my existence and will to fight the foe

When I finally have the courage
To walk away and say
I will not be bullied and I will not lay down and die
Is when the spring will melt away all the hurt of winter time

Do not worry,
im fine,
im okay,
i do not tear at my skin,
i do not raise the razor blade,
i do not watch the blood as it flows down my arms,

Do not worry,
you do not see what i do,
you do not feel what i feel,
you do not share my nightmares,

Do not worry,
for you have not seen my past,
and you do not see my future,

Do not worry
because you do not have my heart,
and nor do you have my soul,
for that is a dark thing full of pain.

Do not worry.

I remember once in church,
when i used to go,
before i lost my faith,
a quote, one that has stuck with me all these years,

“Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.”

it was a quote which gave me strength,
and hope,
hope in the fact that i was not alone in the face of danger,
in the face of loss and death,

but the funny thing is,
hope is a lie,
as it that quote,
when we walk in the valley of death in the shadow of pain,
we are alone no one stands with us,
no one give us strength or courage,

these are forged by us,
courage,
hope,
strength,
we must build these,
we must create these to survive,

because the valley of death is a harsh place,
a place where one wrong step,
can lead you to your hearts fears,
and your souls pain,

because when,
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
we walk alone and must forge our own path.

these four walls,
they close me in,
hold me tight,
lock me away from the world,

these four walls remain,
where no one else has,
where friends and family and stepped away,
where love seeps away,

these four walls are all i have.

Lies,
sweet and sometimes sour,
but mostly sweet,
sweet as they leave the lips of those who say them,
and sweet to the ears that soak up those words,

they drip from the lips like honey,
and clog up like sout in a chimney,
they stop all the truth and let only lies through,

lies are used by all,
from couples through to lovers,
from one man to another,
from a women to a child,
they are in many cases seen as a way of hiding the truth,
the truth that bears the pain of life.

but for all who read this,
i sit here wrting these words and know to myself,
that i cannot bear the lies of others anymore,
i listen to those sweet seductive lies,
how they pour into me,
"i love you",
"i care",
i can no longer stand beside the fakes of this world,

id much rather stand alone then be flooded with lies,
be flooded with sorrow,
sorrow because i know that those words are lies.

lies all of them,
*lies