BUT NOBODY TOLD ME THE FUNERAL NEVER ENDS.

IT'S BEEN ELEVEN YEARS NOW, AND THE CASKET'S STILL LOWERING.

*"LEAVE ME HERE MOM. LEAVE ME HERE. I'M DEAD TOO."

go on.

starve yourself.

as if you're not already hungry for something your flesh cannot touch.

go on.

starve yourself.

as if you have not already lost enough.

go on.

starve yourself.

as if your ego is more important than your soul.

And I sort of fell in love with plastic cups.
The ability to fall, and never break apart.
Because, as for me.
I'm just a glass positioned a little to close to the edge of the table.

Is it odd?

That I'm a little bit inlove with Death.
The only lover who would take away my breath.

A man,
far more interested than just my body,
but my soul.
Dust to dust, ash to ash.
My anatomy of coal.

            Please!
Make my heart skip a beat.
So in the pause of silence,
we'll meet.
Or make it beat no more,
And the endless questions will cease,
Like "What am I living for?"

Come Death take me!
And set me free.
For Life,
Well, Life has never let me be.

Numb?

Numb* means no pain.
Numb means no sadness.
Numb means no fear.

Numb?

Well.
Numb means happiness.

Numb only applied to the things that didn't make you feel good inside.
That made the ground crumble beneath your feet.
It applies to the things that made you cry at night, to the reasons there were slits on your wrists.

Numb meant your loneliness proceeded to not exist.
Numb meant you weren't the only one facing the world,
(a world so cold, yet equally sympathetic.)
Numb meant you didn't need pills to make you happy, or shall I say, feel less worthy of life.

The day father died.
Momma said I saved her life.

'Cause the rain of pain that came, drove this widow insane.
Death's affair with life,
only brings it to love in vein.

But momma stayed.
For me.
Though life has gone, there's life that's risen.
Listen! Your mind's a prison.
But I set you free.
From the sorrow of tomorrow.
From the tears of the years,
he will no longer kiss us goodnight.
And we'll fight.
Momma we'll fight 'till it's alright.

And we'll smile again.
I'll smile again,
'Cause momma, its your grave I saved.

The last time you were sad. -they asked

I couldn't answer.

Because you see, the thing is.

The sadness never stopped.

"Destroy what destroys you." -they said.

**NOW DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHY I'M IN RUINS.

the terrible unfairness, of how there can be no healing without pain.


- haunts me in my sleep.

smeared lipstick,
running mascara,
"you said forever",
eats a tub of ice cream,
repeatedly stabs your voodoo doll in the chest.

do you always find it this hard to love yourself?

In the homes of huts and shacks.
There were times I saw the hopefulness that consumed the people among them.

In the homes of built up mansions.
There were times I saw the hopelessness that consumed the people among them too.

And it was then I had to fathom the fact.
That sometimes, just sometimes.

The bad want it good,
             &
the good have it bad.

I am a woman, firm and strong.
A woman that will not stand for what is wrong.
I am a woman who will fight for what is right.
A woman in darkness who will shine like a light.
I am a woman who strives to do the best.
A woman who perseveres and will not rest.

I am a woman who cares for what is small.
A woman who is unique and special to all.
I am a woman filled with love.
A woman who aims to soar like a dove.
I am a woman, strike a rock, if you strike me.
A woman, yes.
A woman is who I love to be.

i felt you did not have to be buried in cemeteries, to feel dead inside.

I JUST WANNA BE THE KIND OF BLOODBATH YOU CAN BRING HOME TO MOM.

And somehow believing I could find happiness at the bottom of a liquor bottle.
Only left feeling as empty as the glass by the end of the night.
Shots.
In the form of bullets to my head.
I wish.

' You getting fat. '

Seemed so effortless,
the way in which those words floated off their tongues, and seeped through the opening of their lips.

Only to leave me feeling like a broken mirror.
               S
                  h
                      a t
                              t     e
                                         r
                                                e      d.

It became a melody within my mind.
A song containing the content of bad lyrics, with no warning of parental advisory.
(Because honestly, the mirror spoke more words than momma's mouth ever could.)

' You getting fat. '

If there was any hope for me ever finding ways around that phrase.  
It would be that I was,

getting there.

Not that I had,  

arrived.

NO NO NO BUT YOU SEE THEY COULDN'T SCRATCH BENEATH THE SURFACE 'CAUSE OF THEIR FRESHLY PAID FOR MANICURES. AND EXPENSIVE HAND LOTIONS THAT NEVER CHANGED THE ROUGH TEXTURE OF THEIR TOUCH.
I TRIED TO REACH THEIR MINDS BY RUNNING MY FINGERS THROUGH THEIR HAIR. BUT IT WAS COATED IN ARTIFICIAL BYPRODUCTS MANUFACTURED BY THOSE WHO PROCLAIM THAT WE AREN'T GOOD ENOUGH WITHOUT IT.
SO I COULDN'T FIND IT.
I COULDN'T FIND THEIR ROOTS.
I BEGGED THEM TO BREAK A NAIL FOR ME.
THEY NEVER LISTENED WHEN I SAID I DON'T MIND DRY HANDS.
WE'VE NEVER HAD OUR HAIR WASHED.

The type of girl who looks into your eyes, and instead of noticing the bright brown hue of the iris, peers into the darkness of your pupils.


The kind of girl who would apologize for being so easy to leave.


The type of girl who will write a book full of poems about you, just so she can burn the pages when she fills it up.

"She was a genius of sadness,
immersing herself in it,
seperating its numerous strands,
appreciating its subtle nuances.
She was a prism which through sadness
could be divided into its infinite spectrums..."

daddy's little disappointment.

I miss you dad.

empty.

And you can't seem to recognise that person in the mirror.

Who is she?
Where is she?
How is she?

                                              But she knows.
                                      And what she knows
                                                  saddens her.

In that mirror.

She is her insecurities.
She is her regrets,
She is her failures.

In that mirror.

She is here.
She is there.
She is nowhere to be found.

In that mirror.

She is lost.
She is broken.
She is damaged.

Wait...

Maybe I know that person.
Maybe that person,

                                                        ­        Is
                                                      ­         Me.

And there I was.
Reading the side of my Coca-Cola can.
It says; to share it with dad.
So here I am.
Offering the can to a grave.

(If only death understood patience.)

God.

Why did I not learn to treat everything like it was the last time?
Because my greatest regret is how much I believed in the future.

But I was young.
So therefore; naive.

So ******* naive, I tell you.

Told the ground I wouldn't take no for an answer.
But they buried you anyway.

"Forgive and Forget."**

We forgive,
but we don't forget.

And that's the thing,
They think because you haven't forgotten,
that you haven't forgiven either.

They say "be my valentine."
So we can wine and dine.
We'll fake the beauty of love,
pretentious eternity,
and forevers that are temporary.

He says "I should honour you today."
Let me buy you cards and roses.
Let me feed you strawberries and cream, baby dream.
While this night ignites.
When I know he's only feeding me with lies.

Tells me "I'll show you the seven wonders of the world in one night."
When I know he can never show me one love for the rest of my life.

But I believe.
See God created Adam and Eve, to love as a unity.
But even they took the apple from upon the tree.
And quite frankly,
I don't want a bite at love.

But here I am, holding on to faith and destiny.
'Cause I know my love will come on the day the Lord proclaimed for me.
Not a money-making scheme man has made it to be.

You'll see.
He'll prove.
(God Almighty doesn't need a valentine's day to do it.)

I'M OPPRESSED BY AN EDUCATIONAL SYSTEM WHERE CODES OF CONDUCT GET DRILLED UPON A BLACK INDIVIDUAL BECAUSE OF HAIR COLOUR THAT DOESNT QUITE MATCH THEIR TINT.
TO EXTENTS WHERE THEY CAN FORCE YOU TO TURN BACK ON YOUR HUMAN RIGHT TO LEARN.
WHEREAS THE SAME WHITE INDIVIDUAL WHO TRANSFER THEIR HAIR COLOUR FROM BROWN TO BLONDE CAN SIT AND RECEIVE AN EDUCATION WE BOTH PAYED FOR.