I find myself paddling against the current.
Those ahead ask why I am falling behind.
Those behind don’t see how every stroke wears me down.
It takes everything I have just to stay afloat.
"We began this race after you and have already overtaken you, how pathetic."
I want to give up.
"You have to keep going, you’ve already made it so much farther than us!"
I want to be better.
"Then BE better."
I don’t have the strength.
"You wouldn’t have made it this far if you weren’t strong!"
I worry the current is stronger than I am.
"It is no stronger than ours surely."
My canoe strains against the pressure.
"Your canoe is a GIFT, you mustn't waste it!"
I close my eyes for the briefest of spells, try to steal just a moment of rest.
As I reopen them… I realise that it’s gone.
My goal. What was my goal again?
I have been paddling in this current so long...
Where was I going again?
All I remember is the agony of each stroke,
The words of condemnation for my failures
The presupposition of my achievements.
"You’re a disappointment, you should give up."
"If you give up, you will be a disappointment."
"You’re not good enough to be here."
"You’re too good not to be there."
"Look at your failures!"
"Focus on your accomplishments!"
My canoe breaks, and I am plunged into the icy waters of uncertainty.
I have forgotten what my own voice sounds like.
I need to hear it.
I open my mouth to remind myself, but nothing comes out.
Instead, the current consumes me; inside and out.
What could have been and what could never be are gone.
I am gone.
Jul 22, 2019
Jul 22, 2019 at 12:26 PM UTC
I find myself paddling against the current.
Those ahead ask why I am falling behind.
Those behind don’t see how every stroke wears me down.
It takes everything I have just to stay afloat.
"We began this race after you and have already overtaken you, how pathetic."
I want to give up.
"You have to keep going, you’ve already made it so much farther than us!"
I want to be better.
"Then BE better."
I don’t have the strength.
"You wouldn’t have made it this far if you weren’t strong!"
I worry the current is stronger than I am.
"It is no stronger than ours surely."
My canoe strains against the pressure.
"Your canoe is a GIFT, you mustn't waste it!"
I close my eyes for the briefest of spells, try to steal just a moment of rest.
As I reopen them… I realise that it’s gone.
My goal. What was my goal again?
I have been paddling in this current so long...
Where was I going again?
All I remember is the agony of each stroke,
The words of condemnation for my failures
The presupposition of my achievements.
"You’re a disappointment, you should give up."
"If you give up, you will be a disappointment."
"You’re not good enough to be here."
"You’re too good not to be there."
"Look at your failures!"
"Focus on your accomplishments!"
My canoe breaks, and I am plunged into the icy waters of uncertainty.
I have forgotten what my own voice sounds like.
I need to hear it.
I open my mouth to remind myself, but nothing comes out.
Instead, the current consumes me; inside and out.
What could have been and what could never be are gone.
I am gone.