there is so much i'm afraid to ask you.
i want to know what it means
when it feels like a knife's blade
is trailing down your back whenever
anyone says ma'am or miss
but it doesn't carve into your flesh
the way you'd assume it might
i want to understand why i want
to carve and shape my chest
but don't mind if my curves stay
if it means i could wear a corset
and compress the rest of my body
i want to know why i am afraid to tell you
even though you're my best friend
and i know that you understand
and i know that you're here for me
but i'm afraid you will think
i am making it up as i go, like this
hasn't been long enough
but i have known something was wrong
for over a year
i didn't talk to you much then
even though i knew you for years
but i couldn't figure out why i was scared
why i am scared
why i have been scared of myself
and my body
and my mind
and i don't know where i am or what i'm doing
but i'm scared if i tell you now
it will be too late.
i know you know.
i don't have to tell you anything
but at the same time i know
that if i don't, you won't mold your words
around my mind, you won't plant
the flowers of change in your collar
and it's not because you wouldn't,
it's because i haven't given you a name for it.
one is a name you said reminded you of carnations
two is a name you told me existed
three is a name that even i am afraid to utter
because i don't feel right taking it from you
even if i tick all of the boxes perfectly.
it is a name i am not familiar with yet.
it is a name that would steal my parents' daughter
away from them
and it would not grant them a son either.
i want to talk about it so badly
but my lips won't form the words
and everyone around me has already
begun assimilating their language
without my telling them
i wish you would ask me what is wrong.
and i wish you would choose
'them'
for me.
Nov 26, 2017
Nov 26, 2017 at 12:32 AM UTC
there is so much i'm afraid to ask you.
i want to know what it means
when it feels like a knife's blade
is trailing down your back whenever
anyone says ma'am or miss
but it doesn't carve into your flesh
the way you'd assume it might
i want to understand why i want
to carve and shape my chest
but don't mind if my curves stay
if it means i could wear a corset
and compress the rest of my body
i want to know why i am afraid to tell you
even though you're my best friend
and i know that you understand
and i know that you're here for me
but i'm afraid you will think
i am making it up as i go, like this
hasn't been long enough
but i have known something was wrong
for over a year
i didn't talk to you much then
even though i knew you for years
but i couldn't figure out why i was scared
why i am scared
why i have been scared of myself
and my body
and my mind
and i don't know where i am or what i'm doing
but i'm scared if i tell you now
it will be too late.
i know you know.
i don't have to tell you anything
but at the same time i know
that if i don't, you won't mold your words
around my mind, you won't plant
the flowers of change in your collar
and it's not because you wouldn't,
it's because i haven't given you a name for it.
one is a name you said reminded you of carnations
two is a name you told me existed
three is a name that even i am afraid to utter
because i don't feel right taking it from you
even if i tick all of the boxes perfectly.
it is a name i am not familiar with yet.
it is a name that would steal my parents' daughter
away from them
and it would not grant them a son either.
i want to talk about it so badly
but my lips won't form the words
and everyone around me has already
begun assimilating their language
without my telling them
i wish you would ask me what is wrong.
and i wish you would choose
'them'
for me.
~what is dysphoria supposed to feel like? do i have to mention it to my therapist? is that what this is?
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