Sometimes I force myself into this certain mood
One that my therapists weren’t able to conclude
I think I would describe it as if I were on the ocean floor
Beautiful yet isolated in the dark with no door
Life is calming and depressing yet beautiful in a way
I reminded myself that I ditched reality, I wasn’t one to stay
I have these tricks that I use to make myself feel numb
Some would say they’re dangerous, but at least they make my heart drum
***** tastes like water, and cigarettes feel like fresh air
When I use too much I sometimes pull out my hair
Sometimes these mechanisms make me cry
But people just label this beautiful thing as ‘high’
Once in awhile I want to stay in that trance forever with no end
Because why should it matter when I have no one to call a friend?
No one cares in my mind but maybe it’s because I want to be alone
Maybe it’s because I force myself to feel this pain down to the bone
Why do I love to hurt myself so much?
I love the way things sting when there’s pain to the touch
Maybe it’s a dark addiction out of the many I own
One where I would love for my life to just postpone
Once again as I write this I want something to make me numb
Or maybe I just took something to think I’m having fun
To pave a smile upon my face for only a few hours at most
I’ve asked myself multiple times, ‘how much to overdose?’
I have a relatively good life but a relatively gruesome mind
When I get in these moods, happiness is the hardest to find
I don’t want to feel happy again
I feel like my body is the one to condemn
I don’t want to feel like this necessarily
But the way it comes upon me is completely involuntary
I don’t want to get better
But don’t worry because this is not my suicide letter.
h.m.w
Oct 1, 2017
Oct 1, 2017 at 12:24 AM UTC
Sometimes I force myself into this certain mood
One that my therapists weren’t able to conclude
I think I would describe it as if I were on the ocean floor
Beautiful yet isolated in the dark with no door
Life is calming and depressing yet beautiful in a way
I reminded myself that I ditched reality, I wasn’t one to stay
I have these tricks that I use to make myself feel numb
Some would say they’re dangerous, but at least they make my heart drum
***** tastes like water, and cigarettes feel like fresh air
When I use too much I sometimes pull out my hair
Sometimes these mechanisms make me cry
But people just label this beautiful thing as ‘high’
Once in awhile I want to stay in that trance forever with no end
Because why should it matter when I have no one to call a friend?
No one cares in my mind but maybe it’s because I want to be alone
Maybe it’s because I force myself to feel this pain down to the bone
Why do I love to hurt myself so much?
I love the way things sting when there’s pain to the touch
Maybe it’s a dark addiction out of the many I own
One where I would love for my life to just postpone
Once again as I write this I want something to make me numb
Or maybe I just took something to think I’m having fun
To pave a smile upon my face for only a few hours at most
I’ve asked myself multiple times, ‘how much to overdose?’
I have a relatively good life but a relatively gruesome mind
When I get in these moods, happiness is the hardest to find
I don’t want to feel happy again
I feel like my body is the one to condemn
I don’t want to feel like this necessarily
But the way it comes upon me is completely involuntary
I don’t want to get better
But don’t worry because this is not my suicide letter.
h.m.w
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