You are a memory.
Soon we all will be too.
We are running on a thin timeline
Of brokenness and raw emotion.
You ask me, ‘are you okay?’
And I can’t say **** because it’s too hard on my voice ,
And too hard on my mind to figure out what these feelings are.
When I wake up nothing feels right,
My heart feels a certain way I can’t explain,
It’s too much.
I count,
One.
Two.
Three.
Breathe.
Because my therapist tells me that taking deep breaths lessens the anxiety
Of everyday life
Because everyday life
Is too much for my mind to handle.
My body keeps telling me ‘stop.’
Because physically I crave dangers.
I can’t relapse,
I can’t quit this,
But then again you quit me.
So what’s the issue if I quit me too.
I looked in the mirror this morning when I woke up
And I couldn’t stop,
I couldn’t stop the crying,
The racing heart,
The hate,
The pain.
We all get through and go through ****
We all have different techniques of making the hurt,
Hurt less.
I can not be fixed,
I am sorry for being me.
I am lost,
A void of emptiness.
Absent of emotion and love,
Thanks to you,
I’m just a memory now too.
hmw
Sep 19, 2018
Sep 19, 2018 at 10:27 AM UTC
Sometimes I force myself into this certain mood
One that my therapists weren’t able to conclude
I think I would describe it as if I were on the ocean floor
Beautiful yet isolated in the dark with no door
Life is calming and depressing yet beautiful in a way
I reminded myself that I ditched reality, I wasn’t one to stay
I have these tricks that I use to make myself feel numb
Some would say they’re dangerous, but at least they make my heart drum
***** tastes like water, and cigarettes feel like fresh air
When I use too much I sometimes pull out my hair
Sometimes these mechanisms make me cry
But people just label this beautiful thing as ‘high’
Once in awhile I want to stay in that trance forever with no end
Because why should it matter when I have no one to call a friend?
No one cares in my mind but maybe it’s because I want to be alone
Maybe it’s because I force myself to feel this pain down to the bone
Why do I love to hurt myself so much?
I love the way things sting when there’s pain to the touch
Maybe it’s a dark addiction out of the many I own
One where I would love for my life to just postpone
Once again as I write this I want something to make me numb
Or maybe I just took something to think I’m having fun
To pave a smile upon my face for only a few hours at most
I’ve asked myself multiple times, ‘how much to overdose?’
I have a relatively good life but a relatively gruesome mind
When I get in these moods, happiness is the hardest to find
I don’t want to feel happy again
I feel like my body is the one to condemn
I don’t want to feel like this necessarily
But the way it comes upon me is completely involuntary
I don’t want to get better
But don’t worry because this is not my suicide letter.
h.m.w
Oct 1, 2017
Oct 1, 2017 at 12:23 AM UTC
He smiled at me and said 'here, take this'
It was a happy little pill of his and it would feel bliss
I smiled and gave him a kiss saying, 'thank you baby'
But what happened next forever will drive me crazy
Next thing you know I was spinning in my head
Then he wanted to bring me to a bed
His friends walked in and wanted more
So they all called me a ***** little *****
My body was numb and I couldn’t move
I let out a scream but they didn’t approve
Everything went black but then again I woke
But to them it was nothing but a funny little joke
They locked me inside of a walk in closet
So if there was a stir I sure wouldn’t cause it
I blacked out again and woke in a different place
Treating me as if my soul were missing and my body were a case
Still I was unable to move nor speak
But he still said he loved me and kissed me on the cheek
I counted five inhumane beings on top of me moaning
One was even playfully groaning
I was disgusted and wanted it to end
But I knew that after this my mind would never mend
By now it would have been a little past three in the morning
Earlier I should have taken that adorable face as a warning
When they realized I was sobering up
They had an alibi saying they’d call this a hookup
When I could finally move my mouth again
I realized what had happened and felt heavy chest pain
They heard that I was muttering words that were incomprehensible
They saw me as nothing more than a body and that I was dispensable
They came up with a plan to hide my body in a ditch
I even heard one say, 'she deserved it, what a stupid bitch'
I hit my head when they threw me on the ground
I only saw black in front of me and around
I woke up to a woman asking if I were okay
I only said one phrase and it was that 'I was betrayed'
What happened after that is irrelevant at best
All I will say is that I was nothing but stressed
This is my story and it happened two years ago today
Nailing an image in my mind that I was a targeted prey
I know now that I hold so much more worth
And I love myself more than anything on this Earth
Just know that these words have come straight from my heart
No matter how vile and disgusting this memory is, I can never restart
So I tried to make it a poem so it seems like some kind of art.
h.m.w
Sep 28, 2017
Sep 28, 2017 at 5:56 PM UTC
It started with a fiery kiss,
Suddenly, everything went bliss.
And I felt intertwined with you,
But it felt to good to be true
It moved onto a touch
As my body craved yours that much
Your fingers ran through my hair
And my heart fell without a care
It suddenly jumped to a shove
And you told me it stemmed from love
But my mind was now telling me to run
The romance between us was overly done
It soon elevated to a punch
Now others warned me and, said they had a hunch
I wondered how my heart had deceived me
And I wondered if I would ever again be free.
h.m.w.
Sep 19, 2017
Sep 19, 2017 at 9:22 PM UTC