when I get sad, I told my therapist, it's like static. it drowns out my thoughts. it numbs my skin. it makes the ocean seem like a beautiful place to spend eternity, it makes blood want to rush like music and my heart wants to swell full of chords and fervor but it can't. that static drowns it all out. when I am happy there is humming, there are symphonies, in golden light I dance with friends and lovers, but the static isn't switched off. it's still there like an old TV in the back corner of a forgotten basement room and when I get sad I leave the sunlight leave the party and go and sit and I stare at the static on that TV and it fills my head and my eyes and my whole body up with fear and longing and a great big static-y void. then I wake one morning in my own bed full of static memories still fuzzy around the edges but alive. one day I will go to that place far beyond any sound and the vibrations my heart beat out will join the background hum of the universe disrupting radios the energy that once was me will be a single note a little song, a silent melody, forever, and I will be free from static.