i always thought saying goodnight to someone was the most romantic thing in the world,
because every night that my head hits the pillow,
it is like the thoughts in my head are knocked awake
suddenly crashing in chaos and begging to be heard-
i would do anything to shut those 2am thoughts, those 2am
thoughts that eat you alive and cry for your attention, your undivided attention-
and when i lie in bed, arguing with myself to ignore the words
that remind me
of all the mistakes i had ever made and how they will never wash off my skin,
i know that tossing and turning will do me no justice,
will not somehow shake those repeating words out of my brain.
for some reason, darling, hearing your goodnight would whisper
those thoughts asleep, rock them to bed-
those words that cut deep and laugh wretchedly in my ear are suddenly
silenced; blushing; bashful; they have suddenly lit up, and they mean no harm;
"goodnight sweetheart," you would simply say, and i could see the
way you're looking down the bridge of your nose as i
held my breath and smiled so easily-

did you know that i've been terrified to love you this entire time?

and now i miss the way we would eagerly fumble for our phones before bed,
call each other up and fill each other in about our days-
share what made us laugh, what made us mad, what made us think throughout the day-
check in and make sure you're okay, that you're staying on your grind-
make sure that you know that i still love you after all this time-
most of all, baby, i miss telling you goodnight, even if you don't let those 2am
monsters take you over like i let mine-
i just miss being the last voice you hear,
i just miss being the last thought in your mind,
i just miss you being the one to silence it all.