you can't be everything I need.
*"you can't be the murder weapon
and the search party."*
truth be told, most days i am 4am 911 calls and ambulance rides spent thinking about my eulogy and the look on your mother's face when she hears the news.
I am wild-haired and hollow-eyed.
I am not what I thought I'd be.
I never noticed abandoned buildings until I became one.
I am watered down whiskey and second hand smoke floating into corrupted lungs.
I am not what you need.
I am lethal, a poison you'll never forget the taste of.
"all the flowers in my dreams smell like you."
you'll remember me in 20 years as your kids run around the kitchen and one of them remarks at the sunset.
you'll remember the girl you loved all those years ago.
the girl that loved sunsets and 2am coffee.
you'll remember the girl that mourned whatever she could but never herself.
the girl that saw herself through jaded lenses and never truly fell in love with her own consciousness.
maybe then you'll see the cracks I left in your pavement.
you'll see the way I drained you,
the way I chipped away at you until you were left bleeding, exhausted, the marks of your clawing fingernails forever imbedded on my locked door.
I used to ask you why you loved me and you always replied with, "we've been over this."
do you know why I kept asking you that?
well it's because I want you to tell me that you love me because I never became a news headline of teenage promise gone wrong.
I wanted you to tell me that you loved me because I was stronger than you could imagine.
I am falling apart at the seams but I wake up everyday and I get out of bed just like you tell me to.
I am losing my battles but I am still fighting my war.
I want you to tell me that you love me because I survived.
I survived the flood and I swam my way back up.
some days you are the hand pulling me up
other days you are the rocks in my pockets pulling me down to the ocean floor.
but I guess that's what love is.
so tell me dear,
"why do you love me?"