Can never pinpoint what's
making me down:
feel I want to deep down explode:
Some thing holds me back
she slaps me in the face,
snapping incoherent mutterings
to my face.
I feel this frightened baby,
when I see this cynical old lady.    

My mind moves quickly
to avoid her glazed stare.
She's always looking back
at the disappointment
than moving forward.  
She can never rest.

I wish I could really just smile
again.
Would it just be another  lie?


Just another way
to build up
unstable barriers.
I want the pain
to cease.  

Wearing another mask
to conceal what
I deep down feel.

Bottling up
the pain,
just to appear
happy and sane.

Forgetting the horrible flashbacks,
when you watched
first hand the bad things
that people have done to you:
looking in another direction
pretending it never happened.
when they were the ones that
made you feel that way.
The smashing up, fighting,    
sexist culture of pigs
who manipulate weaker minds
with constant flashbacks of  abuse,  
torture, black mail and mind games
sugarcoated with even more lies.

Sometimes wish my mind
would turn off and forget
and start a fresh
but it won’t do that.
its something in me which
keeps replaying over and over
very nasty scenes in the past
and making it worst
until your mind can’t take and
won't give no more good
to anyone else.
It turns you out and there is
just nothing left
and it ends with you
seeing more of death.