It's that time of the year
where I am succumbed in solitude
where everything surrounding me
is tied to love and affection
where i leave home and see happy families
go to school and see seemingly perfect friendships
and barely escape without seeing infatuated couples

It's that time of the year
when i recognize the world
for the glory it could hold
when every individual that fights
for the other 9 months of the year
can be at peace with their rival
where cheer and community are ever so present

It's that time of the year
when i realize
that all i have is coffee and a computer
that the only thing that i can call my own
is a 15 inch screen with no interesting content on it
a back-back weighed down with a number of textbooks
and a camera with no subject to photograph

It's that time of the year when i realize
that the only person who I've ever aspired to be
who I could spend every second of every day for my entire life with
has been inside the earth for six years
and that no one has taken his place
no one is that important to me
or seems to care about me to his extent

It's that time of the year when i realize
that I have spent years trying to get friends by being myself
and haven't gotten a single hit
that I am not invited to parties or sleepovers
or even the simplest company
like going to a movie and making jokes
or walking together and having a deep conversation

It's that time of the year
when I don't care about school
because the american education system
is about passing, not about learning
it's just an obstacle every child must overcome
before being set free
that time, when school can no longer be my escape
because even there, I am alone

It's that time of the year
where I am constantly reminded of Him
where I am teased with the idea of seeing someone like him
where I actually get to visit his family, my family
where my niece's chemo
is making me remember
the second I saw his bald head for the first time

It's that time of the year
when my life consists of nothing
where every person around me
complains about what they have
when they don't realize
what it's like to not be spoken to
past 3:45pm, when school is let out, every day
when peers complain about their parents
not giving them what they want
when mine will tell me to leave
after a second of my voice
when I haven't heard the words "I love you"
from ANYONE but those who pity me
for months.

It's that time of the year
when I am engulfed in solitude
forced to watch the world around me
relish in holiday cheer
family, friendships, love,
things I haven't known, or felt, for so long

It's that time of the year
when all I have to do
is sit, alone, in my room
and do that which I typically know not to allow myself:
think.