i try to tell myself
i only fell for you so hard
because you were the first person to ever show me affection like that,
to ever hold my hand when i was anxious
or bring me chocolate when i had stomach cramps,
or skip class with me just to wander hallways
you were this far-gone kind of crazy,
like you were on cloud 9 and you could fly
and when i was with you, that's where i was too
but my cloud got heavier and yours stayed afloat
and i fell back to earth while you drifted away
and now i can't help but feel like
no one ever fit between the spaces of my fingers so perfectly
like yours did
i could never walk so casually, swing our intertwined hands and not care that everyone was watching us
and i pass you in the hallways and i get anxious,
because you say hello and it takes me so long register that it's you
that i don't even have time to say anything back
and she can tell that i am anxious, that i'm biting at my nail as if i am trying to rip it right off of my skin, so she grabs my hand
but it's a struggle to get it just right, and even then somehow it is not right
my arm is stiff and she's trying to help me forget what made me anxious
but all i can do is notice how different it feels and the ridges of her skin are not yours
and it feels nothing like you and
oh, god please just come back because i miss you and you are right there
but we don't talk like we used to and i doubt i'll ever get to kiss you again
and the seasons are changing and you were right there with me last year when this happened
said you understood, knew how the seasons change some people like they are leaves
i turn into the prettiest of colors in autumn, but i'm slowly slowly slowly falling down, breaking off and
dying
buried beneath all of this forewarned snow
they say it's going to be a harsh winter and i can't imagine anything being harsher than
memories of getting slapped in the face on christmas eve and
remembering panic attacks on new years eve, shaking and crying and trying to clean up my basement at 1 am
somehow this all seemed easier last year,
i didn't shake all the **** time and i didn't receive that pitiful look from my therapist and the depression seemed more manageable and i seemed less detached
but now i am beginning to realize
that without your hand to hold,
the spaces between my fingers are going to swallow me up