I want to ****** love

I can barely feel anymore
In the traditional sense of the word
My feelings have become flashes of color
Sparked by the mention of your name
(Even if that person wasn’t actually talking about you)
I see warm worn pink- the exact color of the ballet shoes of youth that would never stay tied
(nothing stays together in the long run)
I see the way you held me once
And tipped my face up towards yours
The color of your metallic tongue- kissing me first.
I hear bright red, the exact color of grandma’s lipstick on her glass,
The sound of a constant dial tone
And my many tearful messages
I feel purple with pain
It runs through me very numb, like bad music through an empty hallway,
My blood, icy in my veins
And scratching from the inside to get out
(Burst out all over something peaceful like a white picket fence I will never know)
This is not what anyone should know about himself or herself
I am ruined for other feelings
And when I smell the sunlight
It only reminds me of a warm hand
I can no longer hold
I imagine that this is what hard drugs do to the sane
A catalyst
I am incapable of remembering
And when I close my eyes
I can feel your back on my face
i would push into you until I sweated my heart out
on your dog hair covered sheets.

I can barely feel anymore
In the traditional sense of the word