i used to
look up to you, y’know?
but it got bad
and i believed every word you said.
and every day i got into bed i didnt sleep
i talked to you
you spun stories of lies that caught my brain like a fly in a web
i was trapped
but i was okay
i thought
i was okay
even when you started telling me i was worthless what mattered to me was that you still said “i love you”
the worst part was
i believed it.

i wish i could go back in time to save myself from those cuts and lies
i wish i could give my past some confidence to stand up to you to say
i am a god
and i create things that you couldnt even dream of
because as you slept your night away in your cozy bed without a thought of me in your head i was awake
doing your work and trying to make myself good enough for you
i wrote stories and poems and letters to express my feelings
and you rejected them
my moms were prepared for big kids to bully but no one knew how to deal with you
i was broken
i was young
and i was gone
i had heard of people getting abused and i promised myself that it wouldnt happen to me
but i didnt know
no one knew
only you.

i thought when you get older you get better
so i couldnt wait to grow up
you were years ahead so i thought what you did was right
and what i thought was wrong
and who i used to be was wrong
because that’s what you told me.

i loved art
and my friends
and my family
but you didn’t want that
so i stopped loving them
i gave my life to a man halfway across the country with a keyboard and microphone to rewrite my being
to this day i still remember how late i stayed up
the stars faded to dawn and i had stopped noticing

it took me long enough to understand that
the world isnt dealt by one hand
and i am not the joker.
you cant take me out and push me aside, no
i am the king, queen, jack, ace,
i have my highs and lows but i’m my own saving grace
the world isn’t so black and white and blue
and the stars are just fine without you.