11/2/14

1) i am stuck reading all of this **** about getting better and waking up to a new change but I can’t ******* change when I have etched tally marks into my skin. I can’t change when my eyes are red and puffy from crying all day and night of yesterday and I can’t change when the one thing I want the ******* most is 154 miles away and claiming to not give up on me. Hey baby, I bet she tasted just like me, huh? Because if you even loved me for one ******* minute you wouldn’t have shoved your tongue down her throat and called her “baby” in the same monotonic voice you say to me.

2) i know you loved every second you spent with her, telling your boys about her, posting **** about her, making her feel special, telling the world about her, instead of me, right? I know you. I know you like the back of my ******* hand. You burned me to the ******* ground but I still look at you like you did nothing wrong.

3) i told you not to give up on me, and you said “I know not to”. Like what the **** is that supposed to mean? You know not to give up? Why? Because I’ll break down? Because I won’t be able to trust anyone anymore? That I will get bad again? Because I will never get over you? Because you know the thought of you at night will eat me alive and **** me? Because you know how much I ******* love you, so you feel as though you have the right to leave me? Because she kisses you harder and you like that? Instead of heartfelt fingertips tracing concentric circles on your spinal cord? You know not to give up, so you will continue to let my heart bleed out bursts of “I love you’s” and snippets of poems here and there? Because you want to see me destroy myself, so you don’t take the blame?

4) i can only feel the throbbing pain of the cuts on my left wrist. I can’t feel you anymore. I forgot the taste of your mouth and the touch of your skin but I know I remember it in the back of my mind I just have it find it.

5) i once told you “please don’t be in love with someone else” and you blatantly told me you weren’t in love with anyone but me. This was a week ago. Literally ten ******* minutes ago I asked you if you were still in love with me, like you were before all this **** went down, and you said yes. If you were even the slightest bit in love with me, you wouldn’t have cheated on me. I still want to hear your side of the story.

6) i am in love with you.*


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{m.j.}