your name still grabs me in places
and lunges at me with heavy surprise
because i am always unprepared for it's
presence when i'm not the one who's said it.

it comes at me,
like a deep, heavy incantation
it brings my guts to their knees
like a smokey hex,
it tells me something untrue.

your name has meant something for so long.
it's presence weaved through two others
becoming real in your body.
no one will wield it's magic like you.

i often wonder what it means that
i had to know two others with your name
was i always looking for you?

i will regard it like something quiet,
in my heart something of sacred chant.
i will remember what it was like
to know that you held it best.

strength of spear,
somedays i forget the reality of your distance
and how close you were
somedays both things make me want to throw up
you are not here.

*sunday, november 2 2014, 8:42 a.m./8:21 p.m.