I said goodbye to the tree that afternoon
The one I sat always sat by as a child.
As I began walking away.
I knew that night I had no intentions of waking up
The next morning
If the knife or the pills had their way with me
It was like a potent *******.

I said goodbye to my phone
As I turned it off
And stuffed it under my bed.
Maybe no one would find me, call me
And everything would turn out fine.
No one has to hurt anymore
Isn't that the point of this endeavor?

I said goodbye to my family and friends
Through chicken scratch on a bright yellow post-it note.
"Mom, I love you" really meant
Mom, you are my hero
Even if you have made a lot of mistakes
You are the gentlest person I have ever met
I can never repay you for loving me unconditionally.
Please, keep loving me even as I lay beneath the dirt.

"Daddy, I love you" really meant
Daddy, I just want you to think I am enough.
I just want to feel like you love me no matter how I look.
I just want to be Daddy's girl
That's all I have ever wanted to be.
Please, don't be mad at me.

"Heather, I love you" really meant
Heath, when you find me
And you probably will, because you're always sneaking into my room
Don't look at me this way
So decaying and lifeless and ugly
Even though I have never been as pretty as you
None of this is your fault at all
Please, don't hate me or be ashamed of me.

I said goodbye to you all
But goodbye could never say enough.
No words that I could string together
From any of the twenty-six letters in the English language
Would ever explain even the very beginning
Of how my life disintegrated within my hands
Like sand, it dissipated into the air
And became one with the wind.

I said goodbye to myself
For I no longer knew who I was
Clearly, I was meant to lose myself along the way
Because once I awoke, ****** and cut up
I decided a change must be made.
My life became a work in progress
And while I have been far from perfect
I am improving
And that is all I can expect of myself.

I said goodbye to suicide notes
Written in pages of books
My pen was my dagger
That furiously cut away at the paper beneath its blade.

I said goodbye to the pills, the knives, the abuse
And eventually, although it took another year and a half,
To the bulimia that held my life captive during the lag time.

Never again will I attempt to say goodbye to this life
That left scars on my hands and wrists
And blisters on my heart and soul.
Never again will I attempt to check out
Because I choose to live by saying
"Hello."