because i related to them so well.
i guess i am really morbid, because reading happy
poetry about love and other drugs never made me
feel a thing. i don't like getting high for that familiar
happy feeling - because those happy feelings never
did anything for me, they were never things that i desired to feel.
just, numbness was all i wanted - all i wanted was more, more, more
to the point where i can't feel my toes, can't feel my tongue,
i'm laughing because it feels so good to not feel anymore.
i fell in love with my sadness,
i fell in love with the feeling of my chest collapsing
in and my world falling apart.
i have so much sadness pent up inside that each line of poetry
helped me pour out a drop at a time. smaller doses.
a drop in the ocean, a drop of the ocean, i don't know how
many sad poems i need to read in order to let this tightness
inside of me go. i feel like i am constantly fighting a battle
every day, and i don't know what i am fighting for anymore.
i don't know what i'm battling off at this point any longer.
it's been so long that i've felt this sadness that it's just becoming
a part of who i am. i am so bitter because i hate who i am
when i am sitting in my room at 3am, crying into my hands so
i don't wake my roommates and letting snot dribble
down my chin so my sniffles don't echo throughout the house.
what a horrible sight it must be - i can't even stand to stare at myself
in the mirror after these kinds of times, so why would i want to
bear such a face in public? i'd rather be angry and ward off the world
than allow someone to see me for who i am.